Saturday, June 20, 2009

Honesty.

Today has not been my best day. I am scared to death right now actually. I feel like I am losing my grip on reality.
I look in the mirror.
"Thiry pounds thirty pounds thirty pounds"
I say it out loud. Thirty pounds.
I am in a public bathroom.
The woman standing next to me looks at me and says "What?"
I say "I've gained thirty pounds."
She says "Oh I know that time of the month can be rough, but trust me you haven't."
I say "No. I truly have gained thirty pounds over the course of the past year."
She says "Oh..my. Well, it certainly doesn't look like it. You could gain another thirty!"

I want to curl up in a ball and hide. I am so sick of this life. I know, I know. The only way out is up. But what do you do when up feels beyond your reach or comprehension - when the new life seems unimaginable and intangible? I know everyone tells me I am stronger and that I deserve more from life than the small, pathetic reapings of my eating disorder. I hear it and I know it. But believing and embracing that knowledge are two different things.
Anorexia's new favorite weapon - "If you were meant to beat this, you would have a long time ago."
I keep trying to force the thought out of my head. Pushing it out, reminding myself that I am older now, I have learned and experienced so much more that could give me the strength to beat this now.
Today it feels like I am threadbare and barely keeping it together. The majorty of this started with some extremely unnecessary commentary from my mother this morning - before breakfast no less. And now the whole day has perpetually gone down hill, my head filling with thoughts about how none of this has been worth the effort because in all honesty - I am still every bit as self-destructive as before, just through new means. I feel like I am the greatest pretender, the greatest liar and like everything about me is false. Maybe its just an identity crisis from moving so far away from my eating disorder. Maybe this is another one of anorexia's last ditch "efforts" to keep me within it's grasp. I don't know. I just wish that I felt like I had something to believe in. I know so many people believe in me, and that makes this all the harder to say. But after everything, I am beginning to find it harder and harder to believe in myself, in my life and my ability to live it. I have so many questions, so many unanswerable questions. I know that I shouldn't let the abstract aspects of life prevent me from moving forward. But at the moment, they are. I keep hoping things will be better when I can go back to school and am no longer confined to the house the majority of the day. but I am petrified things might just get worse.I suppose the bright side here is that at least I'm not drugging myself into oblivion like I would have a year or two ago. That's at least some progress, right?

In short - I am a wreck.


"I've been traveling on this road too long, just trying to find my way back home. The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone."
101.3 has perfect timing.

18 comments:

  1. Tori, all I want to do is give you the biggest, biggest hug. I know, I KNOW how this feels, so, so well. It will pass, I promise you, you beautiful, beautiful girl, it WILL pass and these feelings are transient. I wish I could say something inspirational.. but I feel the same way at the moment, a lot of the time. Please keep going, keep fighting, because I love you loads and loads and you have come SO damn far - whatever anorexia tries to tell you.

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  2. I know how irritating consolation would be for you right now. The last thing I like hearing when I'm feeling down and hopeless is that 'things will get better.' I mean, duh of course they'll get better! But right now I AM NOT OKAY. Right now, I feel defeated, helpless, alone. Right now I don't want to deal with this anymore. Right now I can't.
    In this moment, all of those self-doubts, confusion, and loss are REAL. They aren't just feelings. I always find it so aggravating when people try to reassure me things will get better. I KNOW they will, but in moments like these, it just doesn't seem possible.
    Right NOW, Tori, I want you to sit down and find something or someone in your life that you love. Think about that person or memory that always makes you smile. I know you've got to have something. :] Put yourself in that moment, that moment when that certain person looks at you with compassion or with respect, that moment when your so content with your art or reading or whatever pastime makes you the most happy, that moment when the breeze from the ocean blows into your hair, that moment when you feel at peace. Put yourself there, whatever it might be. And stay there. Stay in that peaceful moment for as long as you have to. Because right now, things aren't okay. Right now you won't feel better. So, for right now, push that all aside. Relax, for this moment. And then deal with those thoughts and inner-conflicts. They should have to wait for you to be good and ready to fight them off! You are strong Tori. But right now, you need to focus in on some of the strength. And to do that you need to rest. Rest your mind, and your body.
    There will always be time to fight and prove yourself, but I think sometimes, it's harder to realize and allow ourselves to step away from the chaos for a moment and let it live on without us present. Just long enough that we are able to face it.
    Right now, just be Tori, just be.

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  3. i hope you are okay, sounds like you are having a really hard time and honestly the way you talk about how much weight youve gained sounds to me like you are just bragging that you still look ill yet you have gained so much, it sounds like you really like this, and take anorexic pride in hearing things from strangers, ive noticed a trend in your recent posts, talking about strangers telling you how thin you are. we get it you are thin, you have nothing to prove, i guess you are just trying to make yourself feel better? well 101.3, i dont get it, are you telling us your weight, well if so that is not really the most appropriate thing to be saying.

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  4. Anonymous, Jesus sweetheart, I really feel like you are purposely misinterpreting things. So. Stop.
    You nor I know Tori personally, but from what I've read of her from her blogs, she IS NOT SELFISH, CONCIETED, OR IN ANY WAY PROUD OF HER DISORDER.
    If you feel that way about what she writes, I highly recommend not reading her blog any longer. Because I feel that you might be in the depths of an eating disorder or likewise, to have these feelings of ‘anorexic pride’.
    This young woman is struggling and does not need your reckless, unnecessary comments. Please, sweetheart, get help instead of trying to give it.
    Tori please do not let this comment bring you down. This person is obviously doing this just to get a rise from you. Do not give it to her. You are so much better than her. And so much sweeter, more caring, more intelligent, and worth so much more than to be treated badly by unnamed commenters.

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  5. Don't let that stupid comment affect you. I dont read your struggles as being conceited or proud of how thin you are. That person is just someone else who is struggling with their own demons. Pay no mind to them.

    I am really sorry to hear that you are struggling.
    Just keep fighting, Tori.
    I am sending you big, big hugs from Texas.

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  6. Umm...Anonymous. I believe Tori is referring to 101.3 FM, a Top 40 radio station in CT. That would make more sense as she had just quoted some song lyrics.

    Hi Tori. I've been reading your blog for a while, but haven't commented before today. You have come a long way in recoving from your eating disorder and you deserve happiness. I wish you well in finding it.

    Take care,
    ~Elizabeth

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  7. Tori, I'm so sorry you feel like this right now. I know what it's like to have so many people are rooting for your recovery while you're convinced it can never happen for you. I've been feeling like that so much recently, so I know that no words can make this better. I wish there was a magic spell to make all these feelings disappear but there isn't, so in the mean time you just have to keep pushing yourself. You've come a million miles and are so tremendously strong, and I know that soon, you'll find the strength the believe in yourself. Love you lots!

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  8. tori. that anonymous person doesn't know what they are talking about, i hate these anonymous comments people have been getting lately. urg! they make me so mad, that these people or maybe its the same person who knows, well it makes me made that they think they know us and presume these ludicrous things about us. and 101.3 what a stupid comment obviously you werent refering to your weight. ugh, dont let her get to you!
    you are doing so well lovie and i know you can keep going and i believe in you, you have come such a long long way.

    love you
    eliza

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  9. You can get through this. I cannot really convey what I want to say to you right now through words, but I think I've found a song that can, for the most part, cover it.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJwlmb4V-0Y
    xoxoxo
    Okie

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  10. Wow, anon got it all wrong... you are so wonderful sweetheart, we all have days of struggle unfortunately. Just work through the day and try to do what you think you would do if you weren't feeling so crummy.

    We all know you're gonna make it through this rough spot! Learning and growing is what we are all doing, and trials are what help us do that!

    XXX,
    Keri

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  11. don't let that f*cking ridiculous comment get you down. we're all here for you. we've all been there before - you know, at that moment where "giving up" seems like the only way out. it's not, believe me... keep fighting. let your beauty shine! we've only got one life and it's "ending one day at a time" - shed yourself of the negativity and put on a smile. we're all here for you :)

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  12. IGNORE that anonymous comment. There's been an outbreak of them recently and they're a) thoughtless b) WRONG c) stupid and d) misinformed. I wonder whether it's the same person doing it. Either way, they're cowardly and pathetic hiding behind anonmity - unlike you, beautiful girl, who has laid herself bare on the internet in the hope of helping others, and in the most courageous and inspiring way I've ever seen.

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  13. Wow Anonymous reader needs to get a life and get a much better understanding for what type of a person you are. Undoubtedly, she hasnt been reading for long because if she had she NEVER would have had the audacity to make such an outlandish and inconsiderate comment. Do NOT let that ignorance get you down!

    Now onto your post...I know that consolation is not what you need right now. What you need right now is one of those sort of kick me in the ass type moments and trust me, we've all been there.
    So yes you have gained 30 pounds but unfortunately, you had gotten to such a dangerous place that even 30 pounds above isn't healthy enough. That "new life" may seem unimaginable, scary, and impossible but with anything new and different, there will be a level of fear and anxst. Granted being at a legitimately healthy weight is something you haven't experienced in years and thus, I can only imagine that the idea of getting there is daunting and overwhelming. What is crucial in this moment is to recognize how much distress, disgust, hate, sadness, frustration, and lack of life there is in a life with your ED.
    Just because you didn't "beat it" the first time around doesn't mean you were never meant to. Think about everything we do...the first time you picked up a paint brush or learned how to write. If for everything we try to do, we simply give up after a failed first attempt where would we be in this life?! When I first picked up a basketball and took that shot and...missed...I didn't tell myself that I wasn't meant to be a player but rather I told myself "Damn, I need some practice." That's all you need love is some "practice." If you keep at it, keep following your meal plan, keep gaining, and essentially keep "practicing" the steps of recovery, you will become the all-star. You WILL recover. You WILL gain your life back. You WILL recognize that there is so much more to a life that soon awaits death.
    ED wants to hold onto you but do not be fooled by his trickery or lies. He thinks that 30 pounds means the end but you know, your loved ones know, and your doctor's know that the move upward is only one of necessity. Today may seem hopeless and depressing but I promise that you can start tomorrow with strength, determination, and will to regain a life for Tori.
    You CAN do this...just keep on saying "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can"

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  14. tori,
    i ma sorry you received a uncalled for ananomomous comment, i hate these commenters, so upsetting. but dont let it get you down, you are doing great! we all see how wonderful you are doing, and have come so far. just keep going and as the person above me said just keep saying that you can do it! :)

    love
    maya

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  15. I love you, and you're so close. Don't let ED's last pathetic rasping attempt consume you. You are so strong, I can't even put it into words, and I know you can overcome this final last hurdle of recovery. You are nearly there.
    Embrace yourself. You are beautiful, strong, deserving. You can beat ED. I know it <3
    (big hugs)
    Maria xxx

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  16. you have given me so much courage to fight ed and i know you can do it...you have come so far and given me so much hope..i know you can do this...please dont gie up....your worth the most beautiful life filled with friends, family, happiness ans most of all health...we all need a healthy body to carry us to our dreams xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  17. Hi Tori,
    I've been reading your blog for a while but never commented. I think you are amazing for coming so far, and without treatment. I found myself in a similar position at the beginning of this year and it's been far from easy - but I absolutely believe that it is worth every single pound. What I mostly wanted to say is, I've been ill for over 10 years now and I don't think that not having recovered yet is a sign that I never will. I have seen and heard of people who were ill for far longer make full recoveries. I don't believe that it is too late for you, or for anyone else. Hang on - it's a cliche, but this will pass and things will get easier <3

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