Monday, June 29, 2009

Monday.

For the first time in my life, I feel as if I am without words.
There is so much going on inside my head, but I cannot seem to find a way to let the thoughts spill. It's really frustrating. I feel very guilty. Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a while, and its so silly because I had a really great day. But last night...ugh. I was on the verge of giving up because a part of me is still very convinced that I will never be normal. My head was spinning and all I could keep thinking about was how close I was to dying and was starting to believe that I would have been better off that way. Because quite honestly - while I may not be an exhuasted, emactiated corpse anymore - my life still sucks. There are no rainbows and sunshine for me - no magic burst of happiness. While I wasn't expecting that per se, I guess I was hoping that at least things would feel better than they do right now.
Being stuck at home all day is truly taking its toll on me mentally and emotionally and at times I don't know if I can deal with it anymore. I get unbearably anxious during the day and spend most of my time waiting for tomorrow to come in hopes that it will be better. Sometimes, it is better. Other times, not so much. I've noticed myself isolating more and more though. The amount of attention I've been recieving is overwhelming, especially given that I have spent nearly a year in solitude. This is where anorexia jumps in. "You can't handle this. You can't handle life. You aren't ready. Just let go. Give up. It will be easier." or the ever popular "You're just everyone's favorite whore. No one really likes you. They just see right through you. Everyone sees the truth but you. You are worthless." Even though I know these thoughts are meaningless, they are still very painful to have and it takes a LOT of energy for me to combat them. I've spent so many years believing it all to be true, so it makes sense that it will take a long time to get it to stop.

I realized the other day that my pattern of self-destructive habits has been an on-going thing, starting from when I was around eleven years old (first bout of AN). Sometimes I can't tell if anorexia was the worst of it. I suppose in terms of mortality, it is. But God, I have so many scars. Sometimes I look in the mirror and cry because they are never going to go away. I've covered some up with my tattoos. Beneath my chest piece lies 35 slash marks from when I was 15 and essentially cut my chest into ribbons. On my left thigh - 22. Most are only faint white lines that can only be seen really if pointed out. But at least six of them are thick, raised lines that are quite noticeable. At least the burn marks are gone though, right? When I was 15, after my parents realized I was cutting, I resorted to burning myself with a lighter. One night, I burned the word "disgrace" into my right calf. I am so glad that it is not visible anymore, having to explain THAT one would be a doozy. Further more,I have finally forgiven myself for what happened and realized that I was barely 15 and it wasn't my fault, I was taken advantage of. I hardly ever talk about it. Most therapists have assumed that was the starting point of my eating disorder even though I know it wasn't - I was already "spiralling back down the rabbit hole" when it happened. Maybe it made things worse, but it certainly was not the cause. And trying to explain that to a therapist who is all hopped up and gung-ho to find that singular ignition point - well. It doesn't work. And I hate when people say "Ohh no wonder!" because that's not what caused it. It's very hard to be taken seriously after people know - they focus on that one event in my life and anything I say afterwards gets disreguarded. And I don't know why I've told you all about this. I guess maybe for as much as I have forgiven myself and him alike (We are friends now actually as he has cleaned up from drugs and truly is a different person than he was 5 years ago) it has had a huge influence on my ability to have relationships or lack of such ability, at least. :sigh:

It's such a beautiful sunny day and I should be feeling so much happier but I'm not. Maybe its just that time of the month? Or maybe its because five of our fish have died in the past two days? I swear, they're suicidal. At least Crusher is still alive. His full name is actually Crusher, the Almighty Master of the 40-gallon Tank. He's the size of a quarter and my brother bought him for me in 2005. He's a survivor, kinda like me I guess. I'm crossing my fingers that he won't die too. I'd be heart broken.

I did have some cheerful-looking and comforting breakfasts the past few days. I'll share.


Cherry Pie Oats: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in vanilla soy milk, cinnamon, 1/2 banana mashed in. Topped with crushed almonds, walnuts, dried cherries, rest of the 'nana and coconut flakes.


Banana Bread Oats: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in vanilla soy milk, cinnamon, large overripe banana mashed in, 1/4 cup raisins (some cooked in, some on top) 2=walnuts (some crushed in, some crumbled on top and a scoop of cinnamon raisin swirl.
All accompanied by a cup of coffee with Vanilla Caramel cream. <3

Well, its early yet I suppose, so the day may still be salvaged. I don't know, but I'll hope. There must always be hope.

16 comments:

  1. Hey, you don't know me, but i've been reading your blog for a while now. I just want to give you a big hug, and i hope you'll feel beter soon. You may not feel like it today, but life is worth living for! x
    #forgive my english, i'm dutch *blush*#

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  2. hey tori!

    i am here for you, girl, and i am having a weird/sad time lately too. i live at home this summer and even though i had a fun weekend away, i was in SUCH a bad mood when i got home last night bc i know this week is going to be so slow and boring. sometimes i feel the EXACT SAME WAY--like i'll go to bed each night thinking the next day will be better, and then it isn't.

    Last night I had a terrible binge episode, worse than ever before. Then this morning I went for a run. Forced myself to. Because I felt guilty. And I know it's terrible and I shouldn't torture my body and my mind this way, but I still do.

    But honestly, Tori, it WILL get better. We both have to remember that. Yes, maybe life isn't amazingly exciting. Maybe it's even super boring. But it's LIFE. And yes, week after week, I keep making mistakes and falling and picking myself back up. But the important thing is that I'm picking myself back up! And you can too!

    I read some of your earlier posts and it seems like you have come SUCH a long way, even in just a few months. So, even when you feel shitty, just remember that you are so much stronger than before and that you will continue to get stronger!

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  3. Hold on girl! I know it's hard and you've had rough times in the past. But remember life moves forward, although we do learn from our past :) You can always reach out to people, and people might be more sympathetic than you think. Lots of times we feel like we can't relate at all, but really we're not all that different :D You don't have to carry all this on your own - it's a lot! Give your shoulders a break :)

    Take care! I'm really rooting for you and I wish you so much happiness.

    XO
    Katharina

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  4. Hey tori!!
    Glad to hear from you, even though you feel really down right now!
    Keep on, it will get better!! I know it's easier to say to others because I often feel really down myself and hate when everybody tells me "it will get better"... But you've come so far!! And I'm proud you did not let ED win!!

    My thoughts are with you!! Thinking of all you've accomplished makes me stronger each and every day!!
    Hugs Nic

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  5. hey girl..

    so sorry that you have been feeling kind of down lately- i know its really hard to pick ourselves up when we are feeling like this--especially when we are kind of sitting at home with 'our own thoughts' -- it can be REALLY difficult.

    thank you for sharing such personal aspects of your life-- that is NEVER easy but i am so glad you are NOT in that place anymore.

    the important thing is to keep hanging on and to try and look for even the slightest bit of sunshine in each and every situation. our life is 1% what happens to us and 99% of our reaction-- i remind myself of this each time i am feeling blue-- it really helps me to know that i have the power to CHANGE my thinking-- even though it may seem impossible-- it is COMPLETELY doable. let me know if you ever need anything lovexoxoxoxoxox

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  6. I wish I knew what to say. You are truly amazing and so fucking brave it's unbelievable. I'm here for you, whenever you need me, give me an email. xxxxxxx Maria

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  7. I can relate immensely to a lot of the words you said. I have a real problem with isolating myself as well, I'm afraid for people to see me. When I was 14 I also struggled with self mutilation, and know the toll it takes on you mentally.

    Those scars are always going to be a constant reminder, but we can't let them make us feel guilty even now, years later. I truly believe we can never move forward until we let go of our past, and that means forgiving ourselves for everything we've done. The things that haunt us in our past are like ropes, tying us down and holding us back. Every time we cut one of those ropes, we get a little stronger and and push a little harder. Stay strong, and don't give up on yourself.

    Life will keep turning, keep moving forward. Let it take you with it.

    Stay strong, lovely.

    Much love,
    Rachel

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  8. Im really sorry to hear your having such a bad day. I know how awful that feeling of just dragging each day in and waiting for the next is.
    EDs can make us very isolated from the outside world which isnt always a good thing.
    Maybe you could try finding something you enjoy doing each day that involved getting out among other people a bit more? Even a little bit of voluntary work? Its just a suggestion because I know that isolating yourself just makes the day feel even worse and gives your ED more to play with.

    I wish I could be of more help, I hope your day picks up soon,
    xox

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  9. Hey, sorry you're struggling. I can relate to just waiting for your day to end in the hopes that the next day will be better. I know how stressful it is when the next day isn't better, when it isn't the rainbows you want it to be. But it would be absoulutely useless to give up now! With ED, you'll be miserable, and things can only get worse and worse. Though you may feel miserable now, at least you're making the effort to LIVE every day. There is an end in sight to all this Tori, all the progress you've made in recovery will eventually pay off. If you keep going strong, the only place to go is up.

    Feel better! Much love

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  10. Dear Tori,

    I just wanted to let you know that I have been reading your blog for a while now and I know im not in your shoes to know just how you feel but I truly do feel for you and understand (cos im going through the same thing) and im sooo sooo proud of you for keeping strong and still hanging on girl your life is just starting think about that and your days will get better cos its just the way it is we have shit moments and good ones too its what life is and what makes us what we are, humans. sending big big hugs all the way from UK!

    <3

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  11. I think it's a general consensus that we all care for you and want you to keep on pushing through :D But we also know that ultimately it's up to you. Hopefully all our words will encourage you and give you that oomph you need on this poopy Monday.

    Cheer up buttercup :)

    -Katharina

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  12. *BIG HUG*
    Stay strong, we'll always be there to catch you before you fall (not that I think you will ;p)

    Your breakfasts look indeed comforting! It's ultimate ''Oats porn'' haha!

    I hope the rest of the day went well xxx

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  13. hey tori--
    hang in there! look at what you've accomplished so far, you said you've been re-feeding yourself, ON YOUR OWN, for more than a year now. so you see, you DO have the ability to beat this dragon (as my mum calls it :) ). it's just a little lost at the moment (hidden under some white chocolate wonderful and coconut shavings perhaps) but you'll find it again, even though that seems impossible at the moment.
    you are one of my inspirations to kick my ED... i started reading your blog back in april, when i was still very much completely stuck in ED and it made me look forward to eating (because your food always looks so good and you make it sound exciting and delicious) and recovery because of what you would write. so if you can inspire me, i know that there is the possibility for you to inspire yourself.
    we, all of us out here in blogcity, cyberspace, all believe in you. I know you can do this, you're almost there!
    lots of love and positive energy and motivation,
    jee :) xox

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  14. Aw Tori--you are in my thoughts: I am hoping for a better day for you! You are not alone. You deserve to be free. We are with you always <3

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  16. Hi angel,

    As incredibly difficult as everything may seem and as defeated as you may feel, the fact that you have the ability to share these thoughts and be honest really means something. Sometime just spitting them out in the open for others to analyze can be incredibly cathartic.

    Thank you for sharing the trials of your past...stories that window into the past can help to clarify situations. In this case, take from those experiences and those scars and reminders, and move forward. Do not dwell on them for nothing will come from it. Just take what was and turn it into something that never will be again.

    I, too, have had many nights where my head is spinning and I think to myself "would i really matter if I died? would anyone really give a shit? wouldn't it just make life that much easier?!" And then I start to rationalize that I CANNOT take that from my parents or the people who claim to love and care for me. Maybe I don't see it but they apparently mean what they say. Taking the chance of breaking their hearts could mean creating more chaos for them than what exists for us.

    I know that right now, as you said, there are no rainbows nor any sunshine. That life just sort of feels like it sucks. I'm right there with you. I try to find the happiness in little things but I cannot avoid this feeling of utter despair and numbness for the world around me. I feel alone and forgotten and I think that my life seems so menial and unimportant. It seems to me that you are feeling the same way and even more so you feel trapped. The isolation (i'm also very guilty of this) leaves you to believe the negative. Try to break free. Try to get out, do something for YOU, even if that means going to that seaside edge, having a starbucks, and just breathing. Meet up with people not because you want to but because you know its good for you. Tear down the walls of that cage you have been cooped up in for so damn long. There is a world outside of it that is calling your name. It is calling a new and healthy Tori to embrace it and to feel its warmth and to discover new treasures about it.

    You CAN and WILL handle this. Stop letting that hideous voice tell you otherwise. He hisses and lies and knows nothing of what he speaks. Find the reinforcement from within and from the pillars in your life (i.e. your mom). Trust me when I say that I have faith that you can overcome this hurdle. Shit days will come but if you can clean yourself off, tomorrow will be infinitesimally better.

    I'm thinking about and praying for you. Big hugs being sent your way!
    xoxo
    me

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