Saturday, June 13, 2009

Saturday with apologies.

Hello again all!

I'm sorry for not having posted in so long! I just haven't felt like myself in the past several days. it's been really hard honestly - I don't know what's wrong. I think it might have been the rain. It always seems to drain me. I've been kind of dealing with a lot of things. Too many people wanting of me, too many things I am trying to want for myself. It's been really confusing and I keep feeling like the days are never going to end. I feel really guilty right now because this morning I got really upset with my mom. I told her I was tired of having to constantly worry about my weight and I just wanted to be left alone. I feel very badly, because I know she just wants to make sure I am okay. But I spend every day worrying about if I really did eat enough or not, and every week I am petrified of getting on the scale. I know I haven't gained back all of the 2lbs I lost while sick. And I know I need to put it back. And I am trying. Helllooo quarter-cup of PB every morning! But apparently my metabolism isn't cooperating quite yet. I just...I don't know. I feel like I have come so far and no one cares. All anyone cares about is what I do or do not weigh. And I am tired of caring. I am so past all of this crap about numbers. I really don't want to know my weight anymore. I just want to be happy. And as long as I have to think about my weight, I know that will never really be.
On the bright side - I did get a hair cut and it's quite nice. I can do a bunch of different stuff with it so hopefully I'll start actually playing with my hair again (I generally just wash'n'go). I did actually attempt it this morning, just for you guys.

I haven't actually decided whether or not I like it yet or not, nor whether I'll keep it like this for the summer, or let it grow back in a bit. Its cropped down all along the sides and through the back, but the top is a bit long so I can push and play with that. I haven't had it quite this short in a while - not since I was rocking the 'hawk. I can actually spike this up too if I feel like it. Next time I have the 'hawk in action, I'll post a picture so you all can giggle over how incredibly silly I look ^.^

Oh yea! Here's breakfast:

Cocoa Mole Oatbran! After the favorited larabar, of course. I did it up using 1/2 cup oatbran cooked with chocolate soy milk, 1TBS cocoa powder,1-2tsp cinnamon, teeny pinch chili powder (yes, I was afraid of putting chili into my breakfast!) and a mashed-in banana, then topped it off with some shelled walnuts and creamy PB. For real kids - tastes just like the bar. Only better because, well, it was a whole bowl.

Hope everyone is off to a great start on their weekends!


  1. Hello, doll. It's LyraSky from back at xanga. I just wanted to let you know I've been keeping up with your recovery and it's a beautiful thing to watch. You look amazing in the picture, truly, and I love the hair, it's very cute. That's all. I would've been commenting all along but I don't have an account here and I didn't look to see if I could post anyway. :P

  2. Now THAT'S a bowl of oats! I've put the Cocoa Mole lara in before :) I highly recommend it.

    Love your haircut! And your earrings. And you shirt. Serious style 8-)

  3. Hey hey!
    Oh lovie, I know exactly what you mean about feeling that all anyone cares about is what you weigh... when I come out of my appointment each week, all my Mum asks sometimes is 'what did your weight do?!' And I can be having the worst day in the world for non-ED reasons and everyone immediately assumes 'it's because you must have lost weight.' I guess all we can do is plod on, get to a stage where weight is no longer what people are concerned about for us, and hope for the best. You're doing stunningly (a word?! my brain is mush!) and your haircut looks beautiful. I love your style - so unique and awesome :-) Love you lots and lots, keep going gorgeous!

  4. wow! you are genius! yummy looking oat bran!

    You hair is so adorable! you seriously look so gorgeous!!

    It is really tough sometimes, eh.?? But honestly, remember that in each book of life, you will definatly hit a few rough pages.. just continue reading, honey.

  5. I understand the frustration with weighing and all the stress that goes with it. Just keep on plugging, and do what's best for YOU and your well being. As much as everyone else wants the best for you, it's not up to them and you need to focus on what makes you happy, and not anyone else. Stay strong!

    I personally think your hair looks adorable, and it would definitely look great short and playful for the summer!

    Another amazingly creative oat bran, as well.

    Much love,

  6. Wow Tori, you are one beautiful lady! I'm so sorry you've been feeling like this lately. I really hope you feel better soon. I know exactly what you mean about all anyone seems to care about is the number that appears on the scale, and our emotional well-beings are seemingly not as important. Sometimes I wish scales had never been invented and then our lives wouldn't be ruled by changing numbers :(
    Take care xoxo
    ps I am trying that oatmeal bowl for sure!

  7. i need to use some of your breakfast ideas! delish!

    p.s. love the hair. not many women can pull off short hair so well!!!

  8. I am definitely trying the Cocoa Mole idea tomorrow!

    I like the new hair... cuts always take a little while to feel right, so just give it a couple of days, and I'm sure you'll love it. Its super cute.

    I'm sorry you are so frustrated right now. I know its a very hard thing to deal with, and I'm sending you as many happy thoughts as I can.

  9. I know exactly how you feel girl. It's the same thing with me and my mom. I know she cares about me (and so do I obviously) but I'm tired of worrying about weather I lost or gained all the time. Back with ED I would be afraid of GAINING and now I'm afraid of LOSING. My weight seems to fluctuate wildly due to water weight and food weight in my stomach and every little change causes more drama. I have gained pound after pound and every time the scale goes up my mom just says "that's better..." in a emotionless voice and it almost just seems like she doesn't even care about ME just that stupid digital number. I HATE SCALES. I just wish I could burn it and live my life without ever seeing one again. Aside from worrying about it, I am a totally happy person now. I just wish I could throw out that one last little burden.

    Keep going strong - we're all reading and we're all here for you.

    ~ Zeb (caloriecount)

  10. Love the hair. I always wanted a 'hawk' but everyone said 'nooo you cant get one of those' but I love them lol.
    Sorry to hear about your struggles and I really hope it will get better for you. Keep strong! x

  11. hey hun,
    uhh sorry to hear you're feeling down. but remember you know what to do to get yourself where you want to be. i know the whole 'weight game' as i like to call it is really annoying and frustrating. of course you are more than a number in life and what to move away from being treated like one. but remember people around you are just worried and i know you yourself are too. the whole number issue will only leave when the ED leaves. i am not trying to say OH look you're so ill. of course not but i right now for all of us it is important to we reach a good weight. whatever that is for you :). i dont want to add any numbers etc.
    on the other hand i love your hair. it fits perfectly with your dressing sense and your attitude. have a great sunday hun and remember that today might just be a much much better day if you give it the chence to be one
    much love

  12. Look at you and your cute new do! I was supposed to get my hair cut today but my hairdresser couldn't make it work last bummed. Regardless, You look fabulous love!
    I'm so sorry you haven't been feeling too hot these past couple of days. I think a lot of us can agree in saying we def feel you on the whole weight issue. Being constantly harassed, pestered, reminded, and classified by a number is so exhausting. Moving away from that aspect is the ultimate goal but having to deal with the process is just so frustrating. I hate that it can never be about something else. I so just want to be left alone too. I think that's why I like being isolated so much because I can just be alone and leave the world and not deal with the annoyances. I guess we just want to remind people that there is so much more to us that a damn number on a scale. Granted to them it means our life and well being, but still, it becomes such a depressing topic. It can be over soon, though, as long as we allow it to be.
    I really hope your day turned around and bloomed into something beautiful!

  13. I can really relate to all the weighing stress. At the clinic I go to, the only thing they actually worry about is my weight. If I tell my therapist I'm feeling depressed, she assumes that it's because my weight has fluctuated down. I know it's tiring, but I think the only thing to do is carry on. The way I see it is that you can stop thinking about your weight and eating enough to gain, and let everyone else worry about you for years to come. Or you can push through it and eat enough to make your body healthy, and start being happy and carefree as soon as possible.

    I was looking at your breakfast from your last post and at first glance I thought you put gummy worms on your oats! Ha how awesome would that be?

    Enjoy your Sunday, much love

  14. wow. I've never tried your breakfast. I must try it! :)

  15. and.. I also like your hair!
    and I hope you'll be OK. Good luck. I know these problems with weight.

  16. Oh Tori! I know what you mean, and I feel you...That was the same for me...I hated when other people just judged my recovery on my weight...If I have gained, that means I'm "better" in ED, or if I lost, I've "relapsed." That's SO not true, and don't let other people's expectations get to you. YOU know better whether you're really recovering or not. Recovery is not just abt weight, as you already know well. The fact is, you're trying your best, and that's what counts. You've just got to push yourself a bit harder...It def is challenging, but def not impossible. You can do it, and do it not to show for others, but do it for yourself.
    Love you and keep on the good fight, Tori!

  17. You hair looks fantastic on you! You have such a gorgeous face, Tori!
    And I'm sorry that you are feeling like that. I completely understand what you feel. After a while, you just get tired of obsessing over numbers and it is sick. Just try your best, that truly is enough.

    By the way, you are a genius for those bowl of oats. I am copying you tomorrow morning.

    Love you!