Sunday, June 7, 2009

Scattered.

"Five hundred dollars a day is what baby gets paid for being just another pretty face" -juliana hatfield
These words keep repeating in my head. I have gotten four modeling offers in the past two days. Two of which are offering me upwards of $300-500 dollars. Being broke and not having a job makes it really hard. I know I need to take myself away from that world, but at the same time I love it, and I am good at it (shameless) But. I feel like it might be bad for me. There is something oddly depressing to me about the idea of making money purely off of my appearance. Society puts too much value on that sort of thing and I think its causing our generation to deteriorate. I mean - how many people sneer at someone just because they aren't dressed as well, or look down on someone because they don't have perfect hair or flawless skin? Big fucking deal. There is so much more to a person, yet all anyone seems to care about is whether or not they are trophy material.
I am guilty of this too. We all are. And we are bred that way I suppose. But deep down, I know I don't want to just be the pretty girl. That's a good part of what caused my ED. The attention frightened me. I wanted to make myself unlovable, untouchable. I never wanted anyone to want to me. I wanted someone to care about me, for more than just a knotch in the bedpost. The sad part is, no matter how low my weight got, it didn't make a difference. I still had the same face.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that no matter where I go or what I do, I cannot escape myself forever.

I'll be honest - this weekend has been really difficult for me. I am not sure as to why, though I'm certain getting my period has made me half-crazy. Yesterday, I had the headache to end all headaches. I was wearing sunglasses indoors because the lights were making me dizzy - it was that bad. I actually popped some Tylenol - which I NEVER do because back in the very old ED days, I would take it religiously to ward off the headaches and nausea I would get from the starvation and anemia (I developed very severe anemia - had to be hospitalized twice for it). So Tylenol and I are not good friends.
The obsessive-compulsive nature of my eating disorder has been making me nuts lately - with the meal planning and constantly counting how many grams of protein, fats and carbohydrate and making sure it equals out - if I get a gram more here, there has to be a gram less there and vice versa. It is so, so frustrating and stupid. I know it, I feel it and I hate it. I am beginning to think the best thing for me is to stop planning meals all together. I am very, very afraid of this concept, but I believe it may be what is best for me right now. I plan on talking to my therapist about it first, just to get some support in my decision. My mom wants me to see a nutritionist, to see about working on getting an exchange plan, or having them to help me make up meal plans or something. I'm not entirely comfortable with it though, partly because I have done this independently for so long. It almost feels like a step backwards to start asking for outside help now. I'm really just a stubborn pain in the ass and prefer to take care of myself, and I do have a slightly hardened view of any medical professional these days due to my past experiences. I know I shouldn't hold grudges, but in my head, its like "These people wouldn't help me when I was at my sickest and in desperate need. Why in hell am I going to pay them money to "help" me now, after months of enduring this on my own and succeeding?"
It also seems to me that it is trading one evil for another, to start working off exchanges again. I'd still be counting, calculating, thinking. I want to be able to just eat what Victoria decides she wants for breakfast, everything else be damned. I don't know if its a good idea or not though. I am slightly afraid that part of my feeling of being fed up and tired is stemming from anorexia, trying to worm back in and send me right into restriction and weight loss without me realizing it. I suppose this would be why I intend on talking to my therapist about it, in hopes of figuring out if I am safe enough now to stop planning every bite.

In spite of all these minor inconveniences, I managed to have some indulgences today.

Breakfast:

Multi-grain hot cereal cooked in vanilla soy, big over ripe banana, strawberries, White Chocolate and natural creamy peanut butters. This was sooo good. Tasted just like banana bread, and I loved it. Definitely need to ripen my bananas more often - makes the bowl so much creamier and sweeter. How does one make a banana ripen a banana you ask? If you happen to have apples on hand, putting the banana with them over night will make it ripen up faster. Little tidbit of info from my old man. He works in construction, but he's a farmer at heart. I'll have to show y'all our garden when its in full growth. I went an entire summer and fall eating ratatouille for dinner with produce from the garden. I miss those days. I was still deeply entrenched in ED then, but oddly enough I never counted calories really. Its an obsession born between my last inpatient and my attempt at self-recovery. I suppose I did count back in the day, to a certain extent. I always knew if I was having more than the day before and I knew what to balance with, but it was never as compulsive as it is now.

However, I also never allowed myself to eat one of these with lunch:

Dove 70% Dark Chocolate squares
So. I suppose in spite of what I feel is now holding me back, I have still made progress. I think recovery is funny like that. Sometimes, you have to trade one bad habit for another to start getting yourself better. But eventually, you can overcome everything. Eventually, it will all get better and life won't feel so scattered and I won't feel so out of place. Maybe one day, this will all be a memory.

9 comments:

  1. Stay strong Tori! I love reading your insights, and I know you will do what's right for you. Take care!

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  2. i love that banana + apple in a paper bag trick, works every time. I'm sorry you've been having a rough patch lately, it must be frustrating to have that resentment towards medical professionals because of your past experience, but i hope u can move forward and keep getting better! <3

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  3. Sweetheart, I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now. Stay strong - I know you can get through this rough time and come out even better.

    The oats do look amazing. :)

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  4. I love that even if you are not so okay, you still know which way should you go---no restrictions! ;)

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  5. hey hun,
    i am sorry to hear you are having a hard time. first of all i want to agree with you on the modelling part. i modeled too here in singapore for some time but decided to quit as i knew it was feeding my ED and not actually making me feel better about myself. you have to weigh out the pros and cons and see what works for you i guess.
    with the nutritionist i think is answer if it'll help you is actually really up to you. i have been seeing one for some time now and honestly the first few weeks were just not helping at all. i was always waiting for the when will this help me? when will i stop obsessing. well only then did i realise that i will only stop when i finally decide to trust her and give up this whole i need to control my food. if you trust him/her that she will make you healthy rather than fat than you will move away from you obsessions.
    hope this helps a little
    feel better love
    xxx

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  6. Hi Tori
    how are you??
    You should be very flattered with the modeling jobs. Though, follow your heart with whatever you choose to do.
    I have done a lot of modeling jobs as well. Paid and unpaid. I personally see it as a form of art and an expression of your body. OTHER people may see it differant. But YOU DO whatever YOU feel is right.

    Your strong and stunning. Keep your head on your shoulders honney!!

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now. I think that maybe you should think about the nutritionist and really talk to your therapist about it. Your obsessive tendencies might spur your ED and that could be really detrimental. Just do whatever you need to get through these difficult times so that this time at recovery can be the final deal. You can do it, I have NO doubts.
    Although the modeling offers may be tempting, that industry can be very dangerous esp for you, who is recovering. I am rather familiar with that world for a number of different reasons and I think that given your circumstances, it would be much beter for you to find money from elsewhere. And yes, there is SO much more to someone than a stupid pretty face, a good body, or nice skin. Those things are completely materialistic and have nothing to do with the person residing within. Your inner person is wayyy better than that and deserves the world's best.

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  8. Hi, just a random person commenting again.

    I just want to say that it's absolutely amazing to see how you always manage to pick yourself up. I always see you posting about struggling and having hard times, but at the end of the day, you always remind yourself about the beautiful sides of things, and you pull through! Even though I do not have an ED, I still find your posts inspirational.

    Continue and fight! I will probably be commenting randomly.

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  9. I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time, but I am glad that despite all the stress you are still doing what you need to do to stay healthy- eating! You are so strong and I know that the decisions you make will be the ones that are best for you.
    *hugs*

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