Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Sweet Morning Sunshine

So, the past few days they've been predicting nothing but rain.
This morning was full of sunshine. No complaints here. I just hope it lasts. I've been feeling so much better the past few days, and I am soo grateful for the good. This morning was absolutely wonderful. I had my first cup of coffee in months this morning. For the longest time, I had it in my head that it was a waste of space in my stomach due to how much I needed to eat. And as sad as this will sound, ED insisted that cuppa joe would be calories - however few- that were unaccounted for.
This morning I made coffee. In my pretty glass tea cup (ironically, a friend had sent it to me when I was inpatient last winter. Where I was not allowed to consume any non-calorically dense beverages).
This cup was special though. It wasn't black with artifical sweetener, like in anorexia's ruling days. Oh no. I decided if I'm going to have this, I'm going to have it. I had coffee with cream for the first time, ever.
It was great. Especially alongside perhaps my newest oat creation. Ladies and gentleman, I give you:

Double-Chocolate Banana Oat bran.
How to make: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in 1 cup chocolate soy milk, 1/2 TBS cocoa powder, 1 tsp cinnamon. Slice up 1 banana, thinly and mash in while stirring. After its all cooked and yummy looking, top with a liberal 2TBS of PB&CO White Chocolate Wonderful.
This definitely made my morning.
I am really hyper from the coffee now though...its been so long since I've had caffiene! I feel so awake. I think coffee is going back into my daily routine. Yep yep. Definitely going to have a cup tomorrow morning too.

Totally wishing I'd had a mug of coffee yesterday actually. I had to go for a DEXA scan yesterday morning, 8:30AM, right? Okay. So I got in my car at about 8:15, drove about three miles, was almost to the Osteoporosis Clinic on Silver Lane. Then I realized two very important things. First and foremost - It turned out my insurance wasn't accepted there, and I was supposed to be going to Advanced Radiology on Main Street (on the other side of town) and secondly, that I had left all of my paper work on the kitchen counter.
Yours truly somehow managed to make it back home, grab the paper work and get half way across town by 8:30 that morning.
I haven't gotten the results back yet but I'm crossing my fingers. I was diagnosed with osteopenia at seventeen, when I was a senior in high school. I'm hoping that my diligent consumption of calcium supplements and yogurt has helped remedy it, even if only partially.

Well, I hope everyone is having a great week so far. I can't believe its almost July already. Time passes, no matter what we do. I can't believe its been over a year now since I started refeeding myself. It doesn't matter how many weeks or months it takes though. As long as you're learning to love and care for yourself properly, I think that's the most important thing. And its definitely something I never learned in inpatient. So while yeah, I could have gotten healthier much more quickly in a hospital setting, its not real. Its like putting a pause on reality, changing just one variable, and then throwing you back into play. For some people, it truly may work. But I think for the vast majority, its just a stopgap to prevent death.
Does anyone remember the tortis and the hare? Slow and steady wins the race?
I think that recovery needs to be viewed in those terms. I think from now on, I am going to stop pressuring myself to be at X weight by X time, and I'm going to stop telling myself that I need to do X,Y,Z by next week. Goals are good, and they are helpful. But when there is so much pressure to meet them or else - I think it almost becomes detrimental in its own right. So no more beating myself up for not going out to eat last week, no more getting mad at myself because oops! I told myself I was only going to cut my sandwich in half today, not fours and I forgot. Big deal. Everything will come in time. As long as I know in my heart that each day is getting a bit better than the day before, and I keep my goals in mind as I go about each day - they will all be accomplished eventually.

"Freedom may not come as soon as you would like, but you will have it sooner than you think."
-My father, in one of his rare-but-brilliant moments.


  1. Glad you got tons of sunshine as well as me! That chocolate oats thing looks so good. Pity I don't have choc soy milk on me, I think my new Choc Chip Peanut butter would go well with it! And coffee is gooood. I'm trying to cut out caffiene (quite successfully!) but I still allow myself the odd cup of like fresh brewed coffee and it's SO good when you haven't had it in ages! You're so right about recovery btw. It is a whole mental experience...Like a complete overhaul of changing your lifestyle, thoughts, feelings and the way you respond to everything. It is learning to appreciate food normally. It is learning to find different ways of controlling ourselves. Not just the physical recovery. xxxxx<3

  2. Glad you're having sunshine your way!

    That bowl of oats look so decadent and yummy, and speaking of.. you've NEVER had stove-top oats?! Blasphemy! :) You must try them when you get the chance, really. Do it for me, haha.

    Oh and I totally support the introduction to coffee in your life! It's nice to enjoy a cup every morning.

    I think the transition from numbers and certain goals to how you feel is a wise one. I find when I view things in that light, it takes the pressure off and makes changing easier to accept.

    Have a wonderful day!

    Much love,

  3. i LOVE coffee and can't live without it! also am a sucker for starbucks' calorie-packed mocha lattes, caramel macchiatos, and frappucinos. don't be afraid to go crazy! flavored coffee creamers are your friend, for sure!

    P.S. I agree that slow and steady wins the race. one day at a time! that's what i tell myself. glad it's sunny and that you're feeling good! it's sunny here too yayyyy

  4. I just so happen to have ALL of those ingredients for that yummy bowl of oatbran and I'm already excited for breakfast tomorrow! I hope your dexa scan comes out well... I'm working on lessening my osteopenia too. Lol about the tortoise and the hare metaphor! I am definitely a turtle!

  5. first of all, yayyy for being happy and for having good weather! You deserve sunshine and happy days and moments filled with glee and excitement.
    Wohoo for coffee in the morning again...I have it occassionally and ALWAYS need milk and sweetner in mine...in my opinion its the only real way to drink coffee! haha
    Double Chocolate Oats...you really outdid yourself this time darling!
    And I couldn't agree more that the process is about taking steps and actually moving forward not just taking the step and moving right backward agian. You, however, have manged to put one foot in front of the other for a full year and look where you stand. Miles from that rainy, dark, and treachorous place. You are enjoying new little life wonders and the simple pleasures of being happy and healthy! I couldn't be more proud of you nor happier that your life is on track and in the right direction.
    Oh and of course my fingers are crossed for positive results! You are in my prayers!

  6. i also want coffee back in my life but at the moment i think my stomach would give a really really hard time :( so i decided to live a caffeine free life instead :)
    i am happy to hear you are feeling better today and have a more positive outlook. recovery always has ups and down and some days are always harder than others. the most important thing is that we keep the engery to get out of a low and dont stay there too long.
    have a beautiful wednesday tori

  7. This was a really insightful post. Not beating yourself up is hard to do when there's so much emphasis on achieving a certain goal. Yet you are achieving so much at a steady ascent! Mmm coffee ;) That's gotta be worth it.

    Amazing you made it to that clinic on time. I'm pretty sure I would've failed :P

  8. hey girl!!
    thank u thank u thank u so much for your sweet comments :) i am so happy you commented on my blog because i've actually been stalking yours for about a week :) heheh!

    glad you mad it to your appt on time-- i am ALWAYS late hehe!! and LOVE your bowl of oats!!
    yay for havin coffee and enjoying it! i LOVE when i have something that i havent had in a while and i fall in love all over again!!

    have a great day beautiful xoxox

  9. How wise you are! I totally agree with what you said that there is no need to stress ourselves out with reaching x by x day. I realized that being so rigid only sets me back because it's just another form of control. I love that you said as long as you know in your heart that you are improving and keep your goals in mind, you WILL accomplish them one day. I hope that day comes soon for you! meanwhile, all we got to do is stay focused and towards that goal, and enjoying each moment as we walk progressively towards it!
    Well said!

  10. i love your quote! and way to go on your coffee drank girl <3