So, the past few days they've been predicting nothing but rain.
This morning was full of sunshine. No complaints here. I just hope it lasts. I've been feeling so much better the past few days, and I am soo grateful for the good. This morning was absolutely wonderful. I had my first cup of coffee in months this morning. For the longest time, I had it in my head that it was a waste of space in my stomach due to how much I needed to eat. And as sad as this will sound, ED insisted that cuppa joe would be calories - however few- that were unaccounted for.
This morning I made coffee. In my pretty glass tea cup (ironically, a friend had sent it to me when I was inpatient last winter. Where I was not allowed to consume any non-calorically dense beverages).
This cup was special though. It wasn't black with artifical sweetener, like in anorexia's ruling days. Oh no. I decided if I'm going to have this, I'm going to have it. I had coffee with cream for the first time, ever.
It was great. Especially alongside perhaps my newest oat creation. Ladies and gentleman, I give you:
Double-Chocolate Banana Oat bran.
How to make: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in 1 cup chocolate soy milk, 1/2 TBS cocoa powder, 1 tsp cinnamon. Slice up 1 banana, thinly and mash in while stirring. After its all cooked and yummy looking, top with a liberal 2TBS of PB&CO White Chocolate Wonderful.
This definitely made my morning.
I am really hyper from the coffee now though...its been so long since I've had caffiene! I feel so awake. I think coffee is going back into my daily routine. Yep yep. Definitely going to have a cup tomorrow morning too.
Totally wishing I'd had a mug of coffee yesterday actually. I had to go for a DEXA scan yesterday morning, 8:30AM, right? Okay. So I got in my car at about 8:15, drove about three miles, was almost to the Osteoporosis Clinic on Silver Lane. Then I realized two very important things. First and foremost - It turned out my insurance wasn't accepted there, and I was supposed to be going to Advanced Radiology on Main Street (on the other side of town) and secondly, that I had left all of my paper work on the kitchen counter.
Yours truly somehow managed to make it back home, grab the paper work and get half way across town by 8:30 that morning.
I haven't gotten the results back yet but I'm crossing my fingers. I was diagnosed with osteopenia at seventeen, when I was a senior in high school. I'm hoping that my diligent consumption of calcium supplements and yogurt has helped remedy it, even if only partially.
Well, I hope everyone is having a great week so far. I can't believe its almost July already. Time passes, no matter what we do. I can't believe its been over a year now since I started refeeding myself. It doesn't matter how many weeks or months it takes though. As long as you're learning to love and care for yourself properly, I think that's the most important thing. And its definitely something I never learned in inpatient. So while yeah, I could have gotten healthier much more quickly in a hospital setting, its not real. Its like putting a pause on reality, changing just one variable, and then throwing you back into play. For some people, it truly may work. But I think for the vast majority, its just a stopgap to prevent death.
Does anyone remember the tortis and the hare? Slow and steady wins the race?
I think that recovery needs to be viewed in those terms. I think from now on, I am going to stop pressuring myself to be at X weight by X time, and I'm going to stop telling myself that I need to do X,Y,Z by next week. Goals are good, and they are helpful. But when there is so much pressure to meet them or else - I think it almost becomes detrimental in its own right. So no more beating myself up for not going out to eat last week, no more getting mad at myself because oops! I told myself I was only going to cut my sandwich in half today, not fours and I forgot. Big deal. Everything will come in time. As long as I know in my heart that each day is getting a bit better than the day before, and I keep my goals in mind as I go about each day - they will all be accomplished eventually.
"Freedom may not come as soon as you would like, but you will have it sooner than you think."
-My father, in one of his rare-but-brilliant moments.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago