Friday, June 19, 2009

Titles are not my strong suit.

Hello lovelies! So, it rained all day yesterday, and it was supposed to rain from then till Tuesday. But this morning, I have a window full of sun! Ah, so so happy for that. I have had the most fantastic breakfasts the past two days, so I simply must share.

Thursday's creation was Pina Colada Oat Bran: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in 1 cup vanilla soy with an over ripe mashed banana cooked in, topped with about a dozen almonds and a tablespoon each of coconut flakes, orange marmalade and PB& Co. White Chocolate Wonderful.

This morning's bowl was Banana-Blueberry Swirl oats: 1/2 cup multigrain hot cereal cooked in 1 cup vanilla soy with another ripe 'nana sliced in, a big scoop of blueberry preserves swirled into the middle, topped with a tablespoon of coconut flakes an two tablespoons of peanut butter (White Chocolate and natural creamy, respectively)

In other news. I have come to the conclusion that I am horrible with titles. I have never named a poem or painting unless I absolutely had to, and I can't even define my relationships with people. The only definition or title I have adhered to in the past 10 years or so is "anorexic". Coming to the realization that I truly have no friends in real life has been hard to cope with the past few days. Most of the people I hang out with are guys. But are they really my friends (no) I hate to say it but 90% of them generally only talk to me in the hopes of getting laid. I admit I have my flaws but lately I've been thinking to myself "Do you really want to be that girl?" And truth be told, I don't know. I know I am stronger in myself now than I was before - actually told off the guy who I was seeing January (not sure if I talked bout him before, but I almost relapsed then because of how he badly he treated me) He's coming back into town tonight. He called me a few days ago, asking if he could see me. At first, I said yes. Mainly because I hate feeling like I've hurt someone else's feelings or let them down. After a bit of thinking, I realized I didn't want to see him again. He called me agin and I said "I have spent the past ten years with a voice inside my head other than my own, controlling and manipulating me. Now that it's finally going away, I do not care to replace with it something else."
I felt a bit nervous after I said it, I was scared I was being too harsh at first - but I realized that I was doing something I hadn't done for myself in a long time, I was protecting me. And I feel good about it now, I feel like I am a stronger person for being able to do that.
I'm trying very hard not to let everything build up and get to me. I know I am worth more than what the ED voice says I am, and I know it lies. And I will not let other people's perceptions or feelings about me encourage my ED.
I was that girl, you know the one, the one who's talked about in locker rooms and the one that gets the 2AM phone calls (funny story bout that actually!). At this point, I feel like I still am that girl. And I admit, I've been that girl for some time. And my anorexia has both fueled and fed off of that fact. If there's one thing I can offer as advice from my experience, its that learning to value yourself inside and out is the most important thing in the world.
It's taken some time, but I am seeing now that I do not want to be that girl anymore. I want to be the girl who knows she deserves better and who believes that better is something she can obtain. So begins the new quest: Not just to treat myself and my body better in terms of physical nourishment, but with respect and regards to heart, mind, and spirit as well.


  1. You do deserve to protect and respect yourself, Tori. And I think that telling that guy what you told him was one of the best moves you could have made. You dont need ANYONE controlling you but YOU. Not an ED. Not a stupid guy. YOU.
    And I am so happy that you realized that there is more to you than the label of Anorexic. You are a talented and beautiful girl, who anyone would be lucky to get to know.

    PS. your 2nd bowl of oats reminds me of a blueberry muffin! Yum :) I haven't had one in so long.

  2. Tori!

    Your blog keeps me going, as do your encouraging comments! Also, thanks for your food ideas on the forum at caloriecount. This morning I had a delicious bowl of oatmeal w/ bananas and strawberries and cinnamon and I just about died, it was so good. And last night I made a "dessert" out of my cream of wheat by melting peanut butter and a hershey kiss into it! haha.

    Anyway, I am so proud of you for realizing you don't need or want to be "that girl". Stay strong!!! And yes, it is SO important to nourish your brain, soul, and spirit as well as your body. In fact, sometimes I think it's MORE important to nourish your inside b/c once we learn to love ourselves inside, we won't be afraid to nourish our physical bodies!

    P.S. It was supposed to be rainy here today too but so far it's gorgeous! Hope it stays that way for my birthday weekend...haha.

  3. I'm so, so happy for you that you finally stood up for yourself, and your own well-being. That was a tough situation, and I wonder if I'd have the courage to say what you did. He absolutely deserved it though, and I believe you will be better off without him in your life at this point. It's hard to shed our comfortable skins, I have experience with this as well. I know you're going to feel great about this decision!

    You're so right about valuing ourselves inside and out as well. Love your heart, body, and mind, and they will love you back!

    Much love,

  4. I am so glad to hear that you stuck up for yourself - its one of the hardest things to do, from my perspective. You are truly a strong, corageous girl.


  5. I don't know how many times I have said this, but you are truly an AMAZING inspiration. <3

  6. Wow! You truly inspire me more and more with every post!!
    You choose such strong words that get to me, and everytime I leave your journal knowing I can do better than I have so far!!

    Thank you soo much for sharing all your thoughts!!! You have no idea how much of a help you are to me!!!


  7. That's so awesome that you stood up for what you wanted! It's so hard to communicate to get your point across.

    I totally feel you on being "that girl". It's really sad how people just pinpoint other people and call them out when someone is struggling. Keep your head up high, girl. You're a wonderful person. Have a great weekend :)

  8. You go girl! hehe
    Sorry I've been a little out of the loop with all my travels (having the time of my life though!) but I am trying to keep up with blogs to make sure you're doing ok :)
    I'm so glad you stood up for yourself! You deserve so much better and you deserve to know it. You're beautiful, intelligent, talented, and have accomplished more in your youth than most do in a lifetime. Your life is meant to be lived to its fullest, each moment savored, so why waste it with people that aren't worth it?? Spend time with those that make you happy, make you feel like the wonderful person you are and who know how lucky they are just to talk to you. I'm the same way and never know how to say no to people then I always get stuck in akward situations. But a good friend finally told me the last time it happened, it's ok to say no if you don't want to hang out with someone, they'll move on and be just fine, and there's no sense in wasting your own time when you could be hanging out with friends whose company you enjoy.

    Hope everything else is going well! Bfasts look splendid!

  9. Hey doll!
    All I have to say is hell yes! This was the best darn post I have read in ages and I absolutely loved every minute of it. You are going to shed ED and you are going to shed any traces of "that" girl because you are NOT "that" girl and you never will be. You are Tori, an incredible human being with amazing beauty both on the inside and the out. Never be afraid to say exactly what it is that needs to be said. You stood up for yourself and while I am sure you had that heart racing out of your chest pumping kind of feeling after you said it, the feeling once that settled was probably one of pride. You deserve the absolute best. Let's put it this way...your overcoming anorexia and any other emotional baggage is what we are going to call your new white rug. haha If someone is going to come in wearing dirty freaking shoes and stomp all over that beautiful pristine white rug, you have every right to scream "get out now!". (I know you just loved my goofy analogy). All in all, happiness is something intended to be in your life and for someone like you, it should be bountiful.

    So after my glorious rant, I'm just going to say holy effing yumm in regards to the oats!

    P.s. even if you don't have any friends other than guys, you sure as heck have us!

  10. hey hun,
    i am sorry to hear you are feeling this way about your relationships with other people but tori please try to remember that the Ed loves to isolate us in the first place. and then it is also an ace in making us believe no one cares about us anyways and that we dont have anyone here at all. i am very sure that there are some people out there that dont just see you as a friend to get laid but a friend who they like sharing their problems and who they like listening too.
    on the other hand even if that was the case that you only have friends who are up for that then CHANGE IT! i know it sounds easier than done. but think about it. you've been suffering since 6 years, a very long time. enough time to isolate and loose many friends but it will never be enough time TO GO AND MEET NEW FRIENDS!!! i know it is very hard to make the effort but i am sure its more than worth it. if you continue to get better and stay in recovery you will meet many new people that will naturally become your friends. they just like me will discover what a wonderful and generous women tori is and will be more than happy to spend many wonderful hours with you. dont give up yourself, give up the anorexia and then life and friends can come back to live with you.
    i believe you can do this hun

  11. This is so perfectly written, Tori. I'm so glad you protected yourself from getting hurt again, and what you said took a very strong person to say (if that makes sense?!). Learning to say "No" is so important in recovery and in development of an individual in general. I was recently in a situation very similar when I agreed to meet up with an abusive ex-boyfriend, but eventually I realised that even if it hurts his feelings that I cancel on him, that is not my problem... my emotional well being is my problem though, so that must come first.
    You are such an inspitarion Tori. Stay strong :)

  12. You rock girl! Way to go. Stay strong, I am cheering you on.