Hello lovelies! So, it rained all day yesterday, and it was supposed to rain from then till Tuesday. But this morning, I have a window full of sun! Ah, so so happy for that. I have had the most fantastic breakfasts the past two days, so I simply must share.
Thursday's creation was Pina Colada Oat Bran: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in 1 cup vanilla soy with an over ripe mashed banana cooked in, topped with about a dozen almonds and a tablespoon each of coconut flakes, orange marmalade and PB& Co. White Chocolate Wonderful.
This morning's bowl was Banana-Blueberry Swirl oats: 1/2 cup multigrain hot cereal cooked in 1 cup vanilla soy with another ripe 'nana sliced in, a big scoop of blueberry preserves swirled into the middle, topped with a tablespoon of coconut flakes an two tablespoons of peanut butter (White Chocolate and natural creamy, respectively)
In other news. I have come to the conclusion that I am horrible with titles. I have never named a poem or painting unless I absolutely had to, and I can't even define my relationships with people. The only definition or title I have adhered to in the past 10 years or so is "anorexic". Coming to the realization that I truly have no friends in real life has been hard to cope with the past few days. Most of the people I hang out with are guys. But are they really my friends (no) I hate to say it but 90% of them generally only talk to me in the hopes of getting laid. I admit I have my flaws but lately I've been thinking to myself "Do you really want to be that girl?" And truth be told, I don't know. I know I am stronger in myself now than I was before - actually told off the guy who I was seeing January (not sure if I talked bout him before, but I almost relapsed then because of how he badly he treated me) He's coming back into town tonight. He called me a few days ago, asking if he could see me. At first, I said yes. Mainly because I hate feeling like I've hurt someone else's feelings or let them down. After a bit of thinking, I realized I didn't want to see him again. He called me agin and I said "I have spent the past ten years with a voice inside my head other than my own, controlling and manipulating me. Now that it's finally going away, I do not care to replace with it something else."
I felt a bit nervous after I said it, I was scared I was being too harsh at first - but I realized that I was doing something I hadn't done for myself in a long time, I was protecting me. And I feel good about it now, I feel like I am a stronger person for being able to do that.
I'm trying very hard not to let everything build up and get to me. I know I am worth more than what the ED voice says I am, and I know it lies. And I will not let other people's perceptions or feelings about me encourage my ED.
I was that girl, you know the one, the one who's talked about in locker rooms and the one that gets the 2AM phone calls (funny story bout that actually!). At this point, I feel like I still am that girl. And I admit, I've been that girl for some time. And my anorexia has both fueled and fed off of that fact. If there's one thing I can offer as advice from my experience, its that learning to value yourself inside and out is the most important thing in the world.
It's taken some time, but I am seeing now that I do not want to be that girl anymore. I want to be the girl who knows she deserves better and who believes that better is something she can obtain. So begins the new quest: Not just to treat myself and my body better in terms of physical nourishment, but with respect and regards to heart, mind, and spirit as well.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago