Tuesday, June 9, 2009


Hello lovelies! Hope everyone is having a great one today. Despite the rain, I find myself feeling especially cheerful this morning. :shrugs: No idea why. Though I bet my fantastic breakfast creation helped put me in a good mood.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in vanilla soy with a banana mashed in, topped with a big handful of chopped almonds, sliced dried aprictos and two tablespoons of White Chocolate Wonderful. I loved this breakfast <3 I haven't eaten dried apricots in ages. They were one of the few foods I allowed myself to eat when I was still restricting and it was rather pathetic. I considered 3 of them a meal. :sigh: I avoided them for ahile, though we always have a container in the house (my father eats them like candy now LOL my healthy eating habits have rubbed off!) I have a tendency to avoid eating anything that I ate whilst in my deepest relapse of anorexia, thus I no longer eat Kix, bran flakes, waffles, yoplait light, or canteloupe. Some of the things I used to do to my food make me beleive I was truly nuts. I'd make those lovely Kashi waffles in the toaster and proceed to peel it apart and throw away any part of the waffle that had touched the toaster, leaving myself with nothing but the fuzzy white insides. Did the same thing with yogurts - any part of the yogurt that touched the container couldn't be consumed. Those days make me sad, but it reminds me of how much progress I have made. Even if there are still one hundred million steps to take, I've already come half way.

I went to the gym this morning. AN girl was there again. I feel so badly for her. I can see in her face, she is not enjoying it when she exercises, it is something she does out of that malicious self-punishing drive. The same one I used to have. I know that haunted, driven look as I have seen it so many times. The light goes out in your eyes and you just go into this zone where you feel nothing. Its a frightening place to be. I admit, sometimes when I'm working out I can feel myself slipping back into that place. That's why I'm very careful with my cardio and set the timer on the machine for ten minutes. Otherwise I'd go all day without even thinking about it.
She stares at me, and watches me as I walk past her. I know why, we all know why. The anorexic competition. But I'm not playing the game. I don't care if I don't do 40 minutes of cardio every day - I don't need to do that and I have no reason to. It bugs me though, because she is comparing herself to me. And I'm sure I know what the ED voice is telling her as I walk by in my rather oversized clothing. She looks so desperate for some sort of confirmation. I wanted to talk to her, to say something. My mind kept telling me I needed to help her because she might not have anyone else who can. But it hit me today, for the first time. I cannot save everyone. And it is not my job to make everything better. This is a huge revelation for me. My whole life, I have been the person my friends came to with their problems. It has always been my "job" to make other people smile again when they are sad, to lift them up when they are down. I remember in high school, when my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, I serenaded S and essentially our entire study hall with "I Will Survive". I have always been like that - striving to help other people anyway I can. Today though, I realized that I am not so special, so important that I have the power to fix it all. I can't. I am just one person. Can I make a difference? Perhaps. Can I help people who actually want to be helped? Certainly. But I cannot keep spreading myself so thinly that I have no energy left to help myself. And that is precisely what I would do in the past. I would always put every effort into making my friend's lives better, but never took any of that time for myself. I am realizing now that in order for me to continue this road of recovery, I need to make sure I stil allow myself some "me" time as well.

In honor of my "me time", I sat down and started reading a new book today. I'm a bit annoyed at myself, as I'm already half way through. :sigh: I read far too quickly. But I love it, so I guess its okay. Reading fast means I get to read that many more books, right? Right. And it keeps me occupied in a healthy way.

I'm really nervous. I have to get blood drawn tomorrow morning. And I have the most horrific memories of that. When I was 15, I was diagnosed with very severe anemia - both iron and folate deficient. My hemoglobin level was down to 4. I had to be hospitalized that June actually, first week of summer vacation. Anyways. I spent most of that year getting weekly blood drawings. I had bruises up and down my arms for months as the technicians would spend what seemed like hours fishing around in my arms, searching for a viable vein to penetrate. :shudders: The other kids in my grade thought I had taken to shooting up coke or heroin, because I had also started to lose weight very rapidly and developed insomnia. So I looked pretty bad I guess. At the time, I'd rather have had them think I was doing drugs than let anyone know the truth.
In recent times, I had the same problems with getting blood drawn and getting tubes put in. I still have a small scar on my left arm from that damned male nurse at White Plains Hospital who refused to try my hot pack idea before sticking me with a needle. He put a ten gauge (that's really big, FYI) needle into my shriveled, malnourished veins, expecting it to work. Spent a solid ten minutes fishing while I sat there, freezing in the emergency room, pleading for a blanket. Another (female) nurse came over, looked at me, looked at the male nurse and said "What are you doing! You can't use that big needle on her veins! Let me go get the baby needles. Sweetie you look cold, I'm getting you one of the hypothermic blankets." Oh man. I loved that woman. She's also the same nurse who thankfully tested my blood before giving me the tranfusion, and saw that my iron level was stable and that I didn't actually need to be transfused. Never in my life have I ever felt such gratitude towards anyone in the medical community.

Anyways! I am a bit afraid that despite my more-nourished state and physical health, tomorrow morning will bring nothing but more fishing stories and bruising. I have no fear of needles at least. So that does make it a bit easier. But its still just really freaky. I hope it goes okay.

Well. I have done enough rambling on for one night haha. I swear, I didn't mean to write that much. I start babbling and it all comes out. That's me though - no secrets! Woo. Okay. I hope everyone has been having a great Tuesday!


  1. Wow. this post is EXACTLY me (well, minus the blood drawing and anemia part.) but the part about the gym and that empty zombielike feeling, and about spreading yourself too thin--that is me to a tee. I honestly almost started crying reading this! i went to the doc today and she told me i can start running again, but i'm going to ease into it very slowly. i love exercise and the positive things it does for your body, but i never want to be "that girl" at the gym ever again!

    good luck with your blood tests. I have to get some too blech. But I actually don't mind that kind of stuff--I've donated blood 4 times, actually!

    Sorry to ramble but I just wanted you to know that I can totally relate to you. One thing I am learning is to take care of myself BEFORE i try to take care of others. I bought myself a new pair of shorts and a beta fish today that I named Claude. At first I felt guilty for spending the money (and the shorts were only $12 anyway!), bc I am so used to feeling like I don't deserve it. But you know what, it's good to treat yourself every once in awhile. So read those books! And buy yourself a present sometime!

    Happy blogging :-)

  2. I remember the zombie like feeling - and it must be so hard to see. Parts of this post were hard to read, because the recalled so many things. I was 'that girl' at the gym, 6 am sharp every morning for several months... I know it must be painful to watch, but is not your responsibility to save everyone. I can relate to the desire to help everyone else before doing something for yourself - I definitely put other people first. But I hope that you can enjoy the books and relax a bit - all for you.

  3. Hey girl!
    I have to tell you that I am so so SO impressed and inspired by your story. I've been following your blog and recovery and it has honestly helped me in my recovery SO much you wouldn't even believe.
    I just started blogging too so I hope you can check out my blog sometime and good luck tomorrow hun! You are in a much healthier state and everything will go great =)

  4. Omg I completely relate to the blood tests. They did that to me in the hospital (the male nurse and the femalle nurse story). *shudders at the thought*
    Me time is so important especially in recovery and I think most of us learn that eventually. If we don't focus on ourselves for a while how are we meant to help, and learn to like ourselves again. God I feel so bad for AN girl and hope she gets the help she needs eventually. Some people are just not as lucky as us getting recovered. Thanks for this post I really enjoyed reading it :)

  5. hi girlie!
    Thanks so much for the comment on my last post...really appreciated it.

    So, I'm so happy that you were feeling really great this morning...its always nice to wake up on the right side of the bed!
    I'm so sorry about the AN girl at the gym, though. I'm sure that must be difficult to watch and to have to be around but I think you handled the situation beautifully. Perhaps if things continue and you genuinely believe that you could say something that might help her, you should step up and confront her. I, too, spread myself WAYYY too thin sometimes. I always put others before me and I can SO relate to everything you said about being the person everyone went to for advice and to tell their stories and pour their hearts out. As much as I love helping others, I need to remember that sometimes it is important to put myself first and remind myself that I can't do it all. I often, like you, put so much pressure on myself to be there for everyone else that I end up leaving myself in the dust. Thus, it makes me so happy to hear that you are learning to take care of yourself and realize that doing too much for others can be detrimental...its something I still need to work on.
    Ughh about the hospital! I am the exact same way with blood testing...it takes them a million times before they get it and my scrawny little arms just can't take it so they end up turning purple. Blah! NO fun! Good luck tomorrow, though, I am sure it will go better than you expect!
    Nighty night

  6. I'm so happy you're in a cheerful mood today!
    I've had a similar experience with getting blood tests... on (again, male) nurse stabbed around my arms and hands for 40 long, painful minutes after refusing my suggestion of a heated blanket, and then proceeded to stick the needle in my FOOT! Not a pleasant hospital trip at all.
    And about AN girl at the gym... I know what you mean about wanting to reach out to her. When I was still at school there was a girl in my year I was distantly friends with who to the untrained eye had simply lost some weight, but I knew she had anorexia - her behaviours, the blank look in her eyes, the grey complexion. I spent months beating myself up about not reaching out to her, but at you are right... we cannot help everyone. And at the time I was in a position where I could not even help myself. All you can do with this girl in the gym is hope/pray she finds the courage to seek help. Remember that she isn't your responsibility hun, YOU must be your top priority.
    Have a lovely day :)

  7. In reply to your comments:
    Boys are so complicated, but I think I am just going to forget this kid. He used to flirt with my best friend and even if he IS just dating other girls because I won't date him, I think I'd rather spend my time with someone who doesn't play so many games. I'm going through a stressful time in my life.. and I don't want to add more stress because I don't want aaaany relapse chances. I'm enjoying life too much right now.
    And it has been so freeing to fuck the calorie counting! I have this new sense of liberation and I almost feel normal. We can eat whatever our tummies want. I hope we both enjoy this freedom :)

    In reply to your post:
    I know what zone you are talking about.. it is so horrible. I still get that feeling sometimes too. Especially when I'm on the treadmill, that is why I try to avoid that machine. I just start running, and I can't stop, I don't want to do it, but I feel like I have to do it and I don't feel much of anything except for a force telling me that I MUST stay on the machine. It sucks that with an ED, exercise is no longer for health but for "burning calories" and punishing yourself for eating. I'm hoping to move out of that mindset. But you are right, Tori, you can't help that poor girl. I mean you COULD, but you need to focus on yourself and save your energies for YOU. Enjoy that book! It is ok to read fast, I finish my books in one day and I get upset because usually I never want the books to end!
    Good luck with your blood test tomorrow. I have to get my blood drawn on Friday and it is always hell for me too. I have the problem where they stick the needle in my vein, and nothing comes out, so I end up getting poked 5 times and get the needle wiggled around my vein. It is so painful, but you'll be ok!
    Stay this positive, I am loving your attitude. It is so inspiring. :)
    Have a wonderful day.

  8. Good luck Tori!


  9. You didn't post today so I didn't have a new post to comment on but I had to tell you thank you SOO much for your comment on my last post!!! I absolutely loved what you had to say and I'm so glad that someone is just like me in the sense that you take on other people's problems as your own...makes me feel a little more normal. haha Guess we just need to be selfish sometimes and focus on ourselves lol And thanks for the oats tips! :)