Hello lovelies! Hope everyone is having a great one today. Despite the rain, I find myself feeling especially cheerful this morning. :shrugs: No idea why. Though I bet my fantastic breakfast creation helped put me in a good mood.
Breakfast: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in vanilla soy with a banana mashed in, topped with a big handful of chopped almonds, sliced dried aprictos and two tablespoons of White Chocolate Wonderful. I loved this breakfast <3 I haven't eaten dried apricots in ages. They were one of the few foods I allowed myself to eat when I was still restricting and it was rather pathetic. I considered 3 of them a meal. :sigh: I avoided them for ahile, though we always have a container in the house (my father eats them like candy now LOL my healthy eating habits have rubbed off!) I have a tendency to avoid eating anything that I ate whilst in my deepest relapse of anorexia, thus I no longer eat Kix, bran flakes, waffles, yoplait light, or canteloupe. Some of the things I used to do to my food make me beleive I was truly nuts. I'd make those lovely Kashi waffles in the toaster and proceed to peel it apart and throw away any part of the waffle that had touched the toaster, leaving myself with nothing but the fuzzy white insides. Did the same thing with yogurts - any part of the yogurt that touched the container couldn't be consumed. Those days make me sad, but it reminds me of how much progress I have made. Even if there are still one hundred million steps to take, I've already come half way.
I went to the gym this morning. AN girl was there again. I feel so badly for her. I can see in her face, she is not enjoying it when she exercises, it is something she does out of that malicious self-punishing drive. The same one I used to have. I know that haunted, driven look as I have seen it so many times. The light goes out in your eyes and you just go into this zone where you feel nothing. Its a frightening place to be. I admit, sometimes when I'm working out I can feel myself slipping back into that place. That's why I'm very careful with my cardio and set the timer on the machine for ten minutes. Otherwise I'd go all day without even thinking about it.
She stares at me, and watches me as I walk past her. I know why, we all know why. The anorexic competition. But I'm not playing the game. I don't care if I don't do 40 minutes of cardio every day - I don't need to do that and I have no reason to. It bugs me though, because she is comparing herself to me. And I'm sure I know what the ED voice is telling her as I walk by in my rather oversized clothing. She looks so desperate for some sort of confirmation. I wanted to talk to her, to say something. My mind kept telling me I needed to help her because she might not have anyone else who can. But it hit me today, for the first time. I cannot save everyone. And it is not my job to make everything better. This is a huge revelation for me. My whole life, I have been the person my friends came to with their problems. It has always been my "job" to make other people smile again when they are sad, to lift them up when they are down. I remember in high school, when my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, I serenaded S and essentially our entire study hall with "I Will Survive". I have always been like that - striving to help other people anyway I can. Today though, I realized that I am not so special, so important that I have the power to fix it all. I can't. I am just one person. Can I make a difference? Perhaps. Can I help people who actually want to be helped? Certainly. But I cannot keep spreading myself so thinly that I have no energy left to help myself. And that is precisely what I would do in the past. I would always put every effort into making my friend's lives better, but never took any of that time for myself. I am realizing now that in order for me to continue this road of recovery, I need to make sure I stil allow myself some "me" time as well.
In honor of my "me time", I sat down and started reading a new book today. I'm a bit annoyed at myself, as I'm already half way through. :sigh: I read far too quickly. But I love it, so I guess its okay. Reading fast means I get to read that many more books, right? Right. And it keeps me occupied in a healthy way.
I'm really nervous. I have to get blood drawn tomorrow morning. And I have the most horrific memories of that. When I was 15, I was diagnosed with very severe anemia - both iron and folate deficient. My hemoglobin level was down to 4. I had to be hospitalized that June actually, first week of summer vacation. Anyways. I spent most of that year getting weekly blood drawings. I had bruises up and down my arms for months as the technicians would spend what seemed like hours fishing around in my arms, searching for a viable vein to penetrate. :shudders: The other kids in my grade thought I had taken to shooting up coke or heroin, because I had also started to lose weight very rapidly and developed insomnia. So I looked pretty bad I guess. At the time, I'd rather have had them think I was doing drugs than let anyone know the truth.
In recent times, I had the same problems with getting blood drawn and getting tubes put in. I still have a small scar on my left arm from that damned male nurse at White Plains Hospital who refused to try my hot pack idea before sticking me with a needle. He put a ten gauge (that's really big, FYI) needle into my shriveled, malnourished veins, expecting it to work. Spent a solid ten minutes fishing while I sat there, freezing in the emergency room, pleading for a blanket. Another (female) nurse came over, looked at me, looked at the male nurse and said "What are you doing! You can't use that big needle on her veins! Let me go get the baby needles. Sweetie you look cold, I'm getting you one of the hypothermic blankets." Oh man. I loved that woman. She's also the same nurse who thankfully tested my blood before giving me the tranfusion, and saw that my iron level was stable and that I didn't actually need to be transfused. Never in my life have I ever felt such gratitude towards anyone in the medical community.
Anyways! I am a bit afraid that despite my more-nourished state and physical health, tomorrow morning will bring nothing but more fishing stories and bruising. I have no fear of needles at least. So that does make it a bit easier. But its still just really freaky. I hope it goes okay.
Well. I have done enough rambling on for one night haha. I swear, I didn't mean to write that much. I start babbling and it all comes out. That's me though - no secrets! Woo. Okay. I hope everyone has been having a great Tuesday!
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago