Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Wednesday.

Wow...I am still somewhat in awe of all the comments I got on my last post. I cannot even begin to thank each and everyone of you all. I have never experienced so much support and encouragement as I have gotten through my blog, and I cannot express with words how much I appreciate the wisdom, experience and much-needed reality checks that I receive. You guys are the best <3

I've been doing alright, and reading what you guys have had to say has really helped me continue to push myself. I made myself up a meal plan to increase my calories a bit since I've been maintaining. LOL the ED voice is kinda like "WTF Are you doing?" but its making me laugh. Today I've had about 2oz of almonds AND a quarter cup of peanut butter.
And then I remember working myself up to just a single tablespoon of nut-buttery goodness. Ah. I looked through my old Xanga journal the other night. For the first time in a while, it hit me how sick I was mentally, even just eight months ago or so. In October, I had written an entry the day after my birthday. I had increased my calories by about 200 that day, 50 of which were added into my lunch. I went for a walk after that lunch, and a woman on the street approached me to ask if I was alright - she had seen me walking and I just looked so frail and sick - was I dying? I was terribly thin. Did I need food? I told her I was recovering from anorexia. She said she would pray for me.
The entire rest of the way home, I had been thinking to myself "How could she think I was so thin, I just had an extra 50 calories at lunch."

The fact that I had those thoughts horrifies me now. But it exemplifies in my mind how much progress I truly have made, and it goes to show that the only way to recover from an eating disorder is to challenge your fears and get to that healthy place. Its amazing how just eating better and getting my weight up has so drastically cleared my mind and helped me expand my world past the size of that little pin headed anorexic world. I am quite sure I am not the only one who has had that experience though - I think its part of moving on past the AN and getting your life back. Actually, I've been thinking about trying to redistribute my calories a bit differently so I only need 2 snacks a day instead of three. I feel kind of insecure about it...so I'm not 100% sold on the idea quite yet. But I might just do it, because then it would give me more time to do what I want to do instead of having to worry about eating at X time. Its weird how the ED works. It used to never want me to eat at all, but now its got me worried that if I'm not eating six times a day my metabolism will slow down or something. Blergh. Will figure it out all in good time.

But, before I go, I'll share with you some of my physical and emotional nourishment of the day:


Breakfast: 1/2 cup Dorset Berries n Cherries muesli soaked this morning in 4oz vanilla soy milk and 1/3 cup plain yogurt. Stirred in 1/4 cup almonds and a spoonful of coconut flakes and topped with a large banana and a tablespoon of creamy peanut butter. I really liked this bowl a lot, haven't had muesli for brekki in a while and it was perfect weather this morning for it. I liked how all the dried fruits in the Dorset cereal turned my cereal a pretty shade of lavender blue ^.^


And...new shoes!


Alright. I usually don't wear heels - I tend to feel like they cause me to draw way too much attention to myself. I used to wear them allll the time when I was doing better with the ED thing (in like...2006/2007 LOL long time I know) But I really loved these and the price...well, too good to pass up.
Original price: $50.00
My price: $15.00

Can anyone guess where I bought these? If not, I'm quite sure this little lady can give you a clue. My mom and I go bargain shopping together. Fun times. I highly recommend it as a method of bonding.

Well, I hope everyone is having a beautiful Wednesday. I know I for one, definitly did. First time I've seen this much sun since sometime in May. So, I'm a happy girl for the moment. I'm crossing my fingers for more sunshine tomorrow as well.

9 comments:

  1. Hey Tori!

    I'm going to try the mango and crystallized ginger combo. Actually when I added mango to my oatmeal last time I added some ground ginger. :D So I'm sure it'll be awesome.

    I read all your comment on your last post and they were inspiring for me as well. Right now, medically I'm at a weird place. I've been going to doctors trying to figure out why it's been really hard for me to gain weight. For months, no one has been able to explain to me why, but I finally went to a specialist and found out I have something wrong with my thyroid and hormones.

    I also can relate to you on the whole.. making sure you eat enough take over your life. Either way it's this overwhelming feeling of making sure I do it "right". It also sucks because I really enjoy cooking, and sometimes what other people have in mind or what they have isn't appealing to me. Shame on me, I'm a food snob I admit. It's weird.. I like to try new things, but once I know something is mediocre or bleh then I don't really want to bother with it.

    Here's a little side note, does it bother you when you hear people say like "ohh I haven't eaten alll day" so casually? When I hear that I'm like.. %#(@$* are you kidding me - how are you not lightheaded or anything?

    Annnyway, I'm glad you had an awesome Wednesday! Tomorrow is Thursday = being able to say that tomorrow is Friday :D Take care

    -Katharina

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  2. hi Tori, Im really inspired by what you have said!

    I just couldn't find any words to express myself in words like how you did. You did a great job! Keep moving on. :)

    well, what you said always encourage me so much "mentally". I hope you don't mind I add you to my blogroll?

    btw, the heels looks cute!
    take care girl!

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  3. you really are an inspiration to us all! i have only been struggling w/ anorexia/restrictive eating/overexercise for about a year, so i can only imagine what you have been through after years of it. seeing that you have gained weight and gotten healthy basically on your own makes me feel like i can do it. i have recently been struggling with ED thoughts again (when will they EVER stop), and by reading blogs like yours i am able to overcome those moments and KEEP EATING!

    it may also be because your food pictures always look SO darn tasty! in fact, im about to make myself a big bowl of oatmeal w/ random tasty things mixed in because you inspire me haha.

    P.S. I know you said you're tall, but don't be afraid to wear those heels, woman!

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  4. Hey Tori!
    You are an amazing chikadee! I know that when I am struggling, which I quite a bit atm (I saw someone I hadnt seen in a while the other day and they said I look a bit better) I think of your inspiring words and it seriously helps me. We are more than STUPID ED! We deserve to have a life and be foot loose fancy free like other girls who arent restricted to their little world of obsessive thoughts and constant anxieties. I draw strenghth from your challenges. You put my thoughts into words and philosophise them so I can see how limitive it makes my life.
    Thankyou and keep up the amaxing struggle and fight!!!!!!
    x

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  5. yayy for being a happy girl, for having new shoes, for having a great bowl for breakfast, and for beautiful weather! haha that's a lot to yay for!
    And you better believe we are here for you every damn step of the way. You are incredible, your words are so powerful, and reading this blog is an inspiration to so many people. You share with us the most wonderful stories that truly touch our hearts and remind of us certain things in life. The relateability that you are able to create with the oh so many readers you have makes you such a gem and a treasure. Amen to this post and I'm sending you a big hug!

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  6. hey lovie
    love the shoes first of all! and i must try that with my dorset berries and cherries it looks delicious and love the color :)

    that story about what the woman said to you is so sad. it is so sad how distorted our perception is of ourselves when we are that ill. when i was at my lowest, people at summer school would always ask if i wanted food, a sweater to keep me warm etc, and i was thought WHY?, its not that bad.
    well you have come so far in your life since then and i am so proud of you for increasing your cals!

    love you
    Eliza

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  7. a quarter cup of peanut butter = the best thing ever!!
    congrats on increasing your calories!! your doing great!

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  8. Goodness, Tori, you are such an inspiration to me and I look up to your strength so much.
    It amazes me how much you have improved.

    The story about the women really brought tears to my eyes. Our body image is so distorted and it is so sad. I'm really really am so glad that you have gotten so much healthier and that you are getting your life back.

    Love the shoes, by the way.
    Love you! Keep going strong.
    -Karina

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  9. Your huge encouragament will certainly be VERY helpful to me. [I don't know whats stopping me from letting go of the "power" ed gives. I know truly that I want to recover]


    I really wish to draw more inspiration from you. You're really a brave and strong girl. And its definitely going to be a positively huge impact to me.

    take care sweets!
    xo

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