Wow...I am still somewhat in awe of all the comments I got on my last post. I cannot even begin to thank each and everyone of you all. I have never experienced so much support and encouragement as I have gotten through my blog, and I cannot express with words how much I appreciate the wisdom, experience and much-needed reality checks that I receive. You guys are the best <3
I've been doing alright, and reading what you guys have had to say has really helped me continue to push myself. I made myself up a meal plan to increase my calories a bit since I've been maintaining. LOL the ED voice is kinda like "WTF Are you doing?" but its making me laugh. Today I've had about 2oz of almonds AND a quarter cup of peanut butter.
And then I remember working myself up to just a single tablespoon of nut-buttery goodness. Ah. I looked through my old Xanga journal the other night. For the first time in a while, it hit me how sick I was mentally, even just eight months ago or so. In October, I had written an entry the day after my birthday. I had increased my calories by about 200 that day, 50 of which were added into my lunch. I went for a walk after that lunch, and a woman on the street approached me to ask if I was alright - she had seen me walking and I just looked so frail and sick - was I dying? I was terribly thin. Did I need food? I told her I was recovering from anorexia. She said she would pray for me.
The entire rest of the way home, I had been thinking to myself "How could she think I was so thin, I just had an extra 50 calories at lunch."
The fact that I had those thoughts horrifies me now. But it exemplifies in my mind how much progress I truly have made, and it goes to show that the only way to recover from an eating disorder is to challenge your fears and get to that healthy place. Its amazing how just eating better and getting my weight up has so drastically cleared my mind and helped me expand my world past the size of that little pin headed anorexic world. I am quite sure I am not the only one who has had that experience though - I think its part of moving on past the AN and getting your life back. Actually, I've been thinking about trying to redistribute my calories a bit differently so I only need 2 snacks a day instead of three. I feel kind of insecure about it...so I'm not 100% sold on the idea quite yet. But I might just do it, because then it would give me more time to do what I want to do instead of having to worry about eating at X time. Its weird how the ED works. It used to never want me to eat at all, but now its got me worried that if I'm not eating six times a day my metabolism will slow down or something. Blergh. Will figure it out all in good time.
But, before I go, I'll share with you some of my physical and emotional nourishment of the day:
Breakfast: 1/2 cup Dorset Berries n Cherries muesli soaked this morning in 4oz vanilla soy milk and 1/3 cup plain yogurt. Stirred in 1/4 cup almonds and a spoonful of coconut flakes and topped with a large banana and a tablespoon of creamy peanut butter. I really liked this bowl a lot, haven't had muesli for brekki in a while and it was perfect weather this morning for it. I liked how all the dried fruits in the Dorset cereal turned my cereal a pretty shade of lavender blue ^.^
Alright. I usually don't wear heels - I tend to feel like they cause me to draw way too much attention to myself. I used to wear them allll the time when I was doing better with the ED thing (in like...2006/2007 LOL long time I know) But I really loved these and the price...well, too good to pass up.
Original price: $50.00
My price: $15.00
Can anyone guess where I bought these? If not, I'm quite sure this little lady can give you a clue. My mom and I go bargain shopping together. Fun times. I highly recommend it as a method of bonding.
Well, I hope everyone is having a beautiful Wednesday. I know I for one, definitly did. First time I've seen this much sun since sometime in May. So, I'm a happy girl for the moment. I'm crossing my fingers for more sunshine tomorrow as well.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago