Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Wednesdays, Worries, and Wonders.

Hello lovelies.

I will be honest here. I am struggling with myself lately. I am petrified of weighing myself. I am eating the same amount of calories that I have been but I can tell I am losing weight and I don't know why. i have my first real doctor's appointment in months on June 15th. I am scared of going and finding out that something is wrong with my digestive system. I have been experiencing some rather concerning mornings in the bathroom, remniscent of when I first started eating again and my body was flushing everything out before it was even digested (TMI? Probably, but now y'all now how serious things can get with AN, not that you didn't already...) I think I am still digesting for the most part at least, which means a good portion of the calories I am eating are being absorbed. There is a history of IBS, ulcerative colitis and celiac sprue in my family. I am hoping its just a side effect from being sick, perhaps my body is just devoting more energy/focus into getting well as opposed to taking care of my GI tract? But due to this being something that has happened before, and more than once, I am concerned it might be something more. Its really frustrating. I have this massive fear now that one of my rather vital organs is failing again and that the progress I've made will be lost. For now though, my plan is to stick to a higher-fat diet and hope that will salvage me.

Today's breakfast was a lovely bowl of chocolate-banana peanut butter oat bran.

In ze bowl: 1/3 cup oat bran cooked in vanilla soy with 1/2 a mashed banana, 1TBS each creamy peanut butter and Nutella with the rest of sliced 'naner on top. After I tok the picture, I took my spoon and swirled it all up. Sooo good. Unpictured is my glass of OJ and 1/2 oz of almonds that I had on the side.

I also had dark chocolate coconut oats for snack before bed.

In this bowl we have 1/3 cup multigrain and flax cereal cooked with vanilla cream coffee creamer, 2TBS unsweetened cocoa powder, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp brown sugar and topped with a heaped tablespoon of coconut flakes. This was sooo fudgy and good - felt like a real, true dessert. ^.^

Sorry for not having more pictures today. I really meant to take more! But food wasn't terribly interesting, though quite yummy. Lots of peanut butter today (I think I've had a quarter cup total, and an ounce of almonds lol). And hummus and other lovely things.

I had therapy today, which meant bringing a snack. Soo, for giggles I went to Starbucks and got a mocha frapp with topping. Walking in the door with the drink in my hand...oh I wish I'd had a camera. The awe-struck expression on my therapist's face was entirely amusing. We did a lot of talking today, about past experiences and such. I talked to him about my (brief) time at Pratt in 2006. It was a bit hard, recalling everything. I look back now, and wonder why I didn't let the friends I had made there help me. I remember D coming into my dorm, plateful of pasta, wanting me to split it with him, or K offering me one of her poptarts every night. And I always refused. I think the worst memory is when a bunch of us were helping this woman/teacher, Josephine, with a huge installment she was doing for some project. I remember spending Saturday morning there. And S went to go grab lunches for everyone. He asked me what I wanted. I said nothing, not hungry. The boy brought me back not one, not two, but THREE pie-plates filled with different salad combos because he "wasn't sure what I'd like." And I remember feeling my face flush, mostly in disbelief that anyone could ever care that much to do that for me. And I felt so afraid that I shrunk away. And S's face...he had this huge smile, like he felt so proud of himself, so happy that he was bringing me food, and I turned it down. I regret so much, and I wish I had let them help me more. I guess I just wasn't ready - I just couldn't understand why anyone would care that much.I remember before I got sent home, I was starting to try to eat more. And my body had stopped processing food by that point. Curling up on the floor in front of the bathroom door in tears as you beg one of your room mates to finish doing her hair in five minutes because your body has decided to reject any and all solid food you try to consume is NOT glamorous and it is not pleasant. Nor is looking at yourself in the mirror and having it hit you that you've never been that thin before, or having this conversation after coming out out a shower. You ask your roomies if you look OK, and and they say "Yeah, that shirt looks great with those jeans!" You say, "No. I mean, do I look okay?" And then they hug you in their arms and say "Sweetie, no. No. You don't. You've lost so much weight." And then you cry bcause you don't know what to do.
Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and fix those mistakes, and make myself garner the strength and courage I had this time around. But then it hits me - the reason why I was able to be strong now is because of what I lost, and what I suffered and experienced. If not for those memories of falling down, of all those things haunting me, I would not be the person I am today, and I would never have been able to do what I am doing now. Maybe I would have salvaged some of my life, but I don't think that at that time, even if I had gained enough weight to sustain myself at school, that I would have been recovering. I would have just been skating by, and existing then. This though, this is recovering and it is real. I know it in my heart this time that it will be okay. No matter how many times I question it, or how many bad days I have where I feel like giving in, I know that this time I will make it work. Because honestly, its the only choice I have.

Do you ever feel like your ED is standing outside, waiting for you to come back to it? Sometimes I feel like mine is. Like its just waiting for something horrific to happen to me, so it can swoop in and "save" the day. Albeit, given some of the rather poor choices I've made recently, I think ED would have tried swooping in right now by way of proclaiming me a horrible little tramp and wicked human being. But I know I am not those things, and I am accepting myself and my life for the way it is going. Maybe one day, I'll change. But for right now, things work well for me. I don't want to get too personal, but I'll say this much: I make mistakes in my relationships with friends. And sometimes, the mistakes really don't matter. Other times, I get afraid its going to blow up in my face because well, now my friend thinks we are more than friends. And we aren't. (this would be where "tramp" comes in) I have my flaws, and I am aware of them. I kind of talked to my therapist about this (its rather hard since he's, well a he) but we decided as long as I wasn't doing damage to my self-esteem or leading anyone on, that it wasn't really a bad thing. I've been thinking about it though, and I think its my way of having control over other people (this would be the horrible person part). Soo bad I know. I need to behave myself. And stop telling you all far too much information. But at least now we all know that I'm not perfect and that I do have issues I need to work on outside of my ED. Yay for something else to think about? Hm. Maybe.

Night loves.


  1. i'm new to the blogging thing and haven't even blogged yet but i recognized you from the caloriecount weight gain forum and i read your latest entry. i can completely relate to EVERYTHING you just said. i feel completely lost because i haven't met with a nutritionist yet and i haven't been counting calories (trying not to, at least) because it brings back my ED tendencies, but I am worried because my weight gain has halted/fluctuated and i'm afraid i'm not eating enough. however, i only started refeeding myself in late april so the fluctuations could also be due to water weight and other stuff.

    p.s. by pratt do you mean sheppard pratt in baltimore? i live 30 minutes from there and the reason i haven't met with anyone yet is because they were booked until june 12th, at least for the outpatient counseling that i'll be doing. it sounds like you were inpatient so i'm sure it will be different for me, but do they have a good program? i'm really nervous about my first appointment and have no idea what to expect, but i heard they had a good reputation!

  2. Dear Tori!

    Your posts never fail to move me. Don't be so hard on yourself, your strenght and compassion shines through your words. You're a major inspiration to me and a million others I bet.
    I'm sorry you're having problems with digesting. Wish I could be of more help:( But since you already gained, and your body is so much stronger, I doubt your organs would fail you now. Perhaps it's a minor problem (well, minor relatively) like an intolerance?
    About the boy thing: I kind of have the opposite problem, no-one notices me and even if someone does, I'm bound not to notice it! But I think there are always 2 people in a relationship, whatever the nature of that relationship, and it can't all just be 'you leading people on', they consent to that themselves or want to understand your behaviour in a certain way. BTW, everybody has horrible person parts! Nothing to be ashamed of really.

    Hope you feel better soon,

    love, Myrte

  3. and once again you've done it again. I think this post left me somewhat speechless and I'm not quite sure what I could say in return other than that I respect you, I commend you, I think you're amazing, and I am so incredibly proud of you. Your ability to share via words is beyond impressive and I can't thank you enough for always offering those little stories that do mean so much.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers that everything is a.o.k. I'm sure that things are a bit scary right now but I have faith that all will turn our alright. But as I said, I'll be sure to keep my fingers crossed.

    And yes, this time it is for real. You will feat the demon for good.

  4. tori, i am so glad you choose to see a doctor about your problems and that you care about what is going on with your body. i can feel you are worried and that your health is more important than being stick thin. this is wonderful sign and shows how real you are in this recovery. i know you can make it hun, you are amazingly strong and have come a long and hard way. but remember that a beauiful life is waiting out there for you.... dont miss it
    big hug

  5. I know what you mean completely: my ED is convinced recovery is just a "phase" I'm going through and in a few weeks time I'll be back in his arms where I belong.
    But your strength is amazing Tori, and as you said, this time it really will be ok for you. What a beautiful post this is.
    I hope your doctors appointment goes well and that its nothing too serious. You'll be in my thoughts <3 xxx

  6. Well hey there girly!!
    WoW! What strong words!!
    I really enjoy reading your posts and look all day forward to it (because your posts are usually on the end of my day ;) ).
    I really envy your courage and strength and I so hope you will successfully overcome all this! But I strongly believe you will!! Really!!

    Just keep up all this good work your doing, although I hope it won't always feel like work and soon become just a lifestyle!!

    I wish you all the best and I think this won't be my last comment ;).

    the Swiss-Girl

  7. It's scary how much I can relate to the thoughts you experience. I don't know, but I think I feel similar, like I feel recovery is just a sort of "trip" or "holiday" that won't last forever, I'm just sort of "having a go" at it, not fully flung into the idea. Its not so much like that anymore, I'm a lot more motivated and focused and know what I need to do now, but at first it is a lot like that. You are one of thebravest people I know, and I haven't even met you girlie! Your food looks awesome btw :)

  8. Your posts always tend to bring tears to my eyes because what you write is so heartfelt and so real. Your words are so strong.
    I can relate to alot of what you said. I too feel like ED is standing there for me with open arms waiting for me to get over this "recovery phase." But ED has it coming... because there will be no returns. You are so strong and brave, Tori! Just keep up the good work, girl. You have a life to live! <3
    I hope you start feeling better and that all is well.

  9. Hey hon! I'm sorry youre struggling but I'm so proud of you for keeping up with the eating, and getting out more and living life! I know how scary it is to realize all the damage we may have caused our bodies. I tend to worry sometimes that something more is also going on with mine that doctors haven't found. But looking at the changes you've made more recently, you're going out more, may be burning more than you think. Especially with our bodies that still dont quite know what to do with the calories we give it, it tends to burn through more than usual with even the slightest changes to our routines. I hope this is the case with you and everything is fine, and in the meantime, dont stress about it!
    You're doing so well, and I can really see that there is no turning back for you now, this is the real deal- RECOVERY!!!
    Hope you have a great weekend and check out my very first blog entry!