I will be honest here. I am struggling with myself lately. I am petrified of weighing myself. I am eating the same amount of calories that I have been but I can tell I am losing weight and I don't know why. i have my first real doctor's appointment in months on June 15th. I am scared of going and finding out that something is wrong with my digestive system. I have been experiencing some rather concerning mornings in the bathroom, remniscent of when I first started eating again and my body was flushing everything out before it was even digested (TMI? Probably, but now y'all now how serious things can get with AN, not that you didn't already...) I think I am still digesting for the most part at least, which means a good portion of the calories I am eating are being absorbed. There is a history of IBS, ulcerative colitis and celiac sprue in my family. I am hoping its just a side effect from being sick, perhaps my body is just devoting more energy/focus into getting well as opposed to taking care of my GI tract? But due to this being something that has happened before, and more than once, I am concerned it might be something more. Its really frustrating. I have this massive fear now that one of my rather vital organs is failing again and that the progress I've made will be lost. For now though, my plan is to stick to a higher-fat diet and hope that will salvage me.
Today's breakfast was a lovely bowl of chocolate-banana peanut butter oat bran.
In ze bowl: 1/3 cup oat bran cooked in vanilla soy with 1/2 a mashed banana, 1TBS each creamy peanut butter and Nutella with the rest of sliced 'naner on top. After I tok the picture, I took my spoon and swirled it all up. Sooo good. Unpictured is my glass of OJ and 1/2 oz of almonds that I had on the side.
I also had dark chocolate coconut oats for snack before bed.
In this bowl we have 1/3 cup multigrain and flax cereal cooked with vanilla cream coffee creamer, 2TBS unsweetened cocoa powder, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp brown sugar and topped with a heaped tablespoon of coconut flakes. This was sooo fudgy and good - felt like a real, true dessert. ^.^
Sorry for not having more pictures today. I really meant to take more! But food wasn't terribly interesting, though quite yummy. Lots of peanut butter today (I think I've had a quarter cup total, and an ounce of almonds lol). And hummus and other lovely things.
I had therapy today, which meant bringing a snack. Soo, for giggles I went to Starbucks and got a mocha frapp with topping. Walking in the door with the drink in my hand...oh I wish I'd had a camera. The awe-struck expression on my therapist's face was entirely amusing. We did a lot of talking today, about past experiences and such. I talked to him about my (brief) time at Pratt in 2006. It was a bit hard, recalling everything. I look back now, and wonder why I didn't let the friends I had made there help me. I remember D coming into my dorm, plateful of pasta, wanting me to split it with him, or K offering me one of her poptarts every night. And I always refused. I think the worst memory is when a bunch of us were helping this woman/teacher, Josephine, with a huge installment she was doing for some project. I remember spending Saturday morning there. And S went to go grab lunches for everyone. He asked me what I wanted. I said nothing, not hungry. The boy brought me back not one, not two, but THREE pie-plates filled with different salad combos because he "wasn't sure what I'd like." And I remember feeling my face flush, mostly in disbelief that anyone could ever care that much to do that for me. And I felt so afraid that I shrunk away. And S's face...he had this huge smile, like he felt so proud of himself, so happy that he was bringing me food, and I turned it down. I regret so much, and I wish I had let them help me more. I guess I just wasn't ready - I just couldn't understand why anyone would care that much.I remember before I got sent home, I was starting to try to eat more. And my body had stopped processing food by that point. Curling up on the floor in front of the bathroom door in tears as you beg one of your room mates to finish doing her hair in five minutes because your body has decided to reject any and all solid food you try to consume is NOT glamorous and it is not pleasant. Nor is looking at yourself in the mirror and having it hit you that you've never been that thin before, or having this conversation after coming out out a shower. You ask your roomies if you look OK, and and they say "Yeah, that shirt looks great with those jeans!" You say, "No. I mean, do I look okay?" And then they hug you in their arms and say "Sweetie, no. No. You don't. You've lost so much weight." And then you cry bcause you don't know what to do.
Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and fix those mistakes, and make myself garner the strength and courage I had this time around. But then it hits me - the reason why I was able to be strong now is because of what I lost, and what I suffered and experienced. If not for those memories of falling down, of all those things haunting me, I would not be the person I am today, and I would never have been able to do what I am doing now. Maybe I would have salvaged some of my life, but I don't think that at that time, even if I had gained enough weight to sustain myself at school, that I would have been recovering. I would have just been skating by, and existing then. This though, this is recovering and it is real. I know it in my heart this time that it will be okay. No matter how many times I question it, or how many bad days I have where I feel like giving in, I know that this time I will make it work. Because honestly, its the only choice I have.
Do you ever feel like your ED is standing outside, waiting for you to come back to it? Sometimes I feel like mine is. Like its just waiting for something horrific to happen to me, so it can swoop in and "save" the day. Albeit, given some of the rather poor choices I've made recently, I think ED would have tried swooping in right now by way of proclaiming me a horrible little tramp and wicked human being. But I know I am not those things, and I am accepting myself and my life for the way it is going. Maybe one day, I'll change. But for right now, things work well for me. I don't want to get too personal, but I'll say this much: I make mistakes in my relationships with friends. And sometimes, the mistakes really don't matter. Other times, I get afraid its going to blow up in my face because well, now my friend thinks we are more than friends. And we aren't. (this would be where "tramp" comes in) I have my flaws, and I am aware of them. I kind of talked to my therapist about this (its rather hard since he's, well a he) but we decided as long as I wasn't doing damage to my self-esteem or leading anyone on, that it wasn't really a bad thing. I've been thinking about it though, and I think its my way of having control over other people (this would be the horrible person part). Soo bad I know. I need to behave myself. And stop telling you all far too much information. But at least now we all know that I'm not perfect and that I do have issues I need to work on outside of my ED. Yay for something else to think about? Hm. Maybe.
Why Can I Only Love the Broken?
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