Sooo I cannot thank you all enough for all the positive and encouraging feedback on my last post! I admit, I am a bit nervous about going out to dinner. I'm going to eat as normally as possible though, and I will be reminding myself the entire time that my meal needs to be 700 calories minimum anyways, so I should enjoy the fact that I can basically eat whatever the heck I want. I am really excited and will definitely give you all a full update on that Thursday. Hugs all around to everyone!
I forgot to take a picture of brekkie this morning. But I am sooo proud of myself. I was torn between having brownie batter oats and shredded wheat. OK. Not torn. Victoria wanted brownie batter oats, but ED kept insisting shredded wheat would be better for me to have.
I wanted brownie batter oats and that was what I made. First time ever deciding exactly what I wanted right then in the morning. I have been planning at least a day in advance for a long time now - though in the past week or so I have been experimenting more and more with choosing what I want on a given day. But I was still following meal plans that I had already written out in days prior.
Today was without plan. Entirely. I had oat bran cooked in chocolate soymilk with mashed banana and 2TBS White Chocolate Wonderful. And coffee with cream. And cottage cheese with raisins.
For lunch I had figured on having a ricotta and sundried tomato wrap because that was what I had last time I had brownie batter oats. But I really wanted hummus and cheese. So I had that for lunch instead because it was what I wanted, and I knew the calories would be pretty much the same as long as I added the proper accoutrements.
I feel unbelievably proud of myself. For the first time in I don't know how man years - I can actually thinkg of what I want to eat. I honestly cannot remember the last time I ever had a feeling of what I wanted to eat versus what anorexia said was OK. This is truly liberating.
Now, I do have one slight dilemma. There is a girl I was inpatient with last winter and spring. She keeps emailing me. She is struggling a lot with the weight she gained (she had to go back to IP again this past fall) and she is insistant on losing some of it. She keeps sending me emails and I get the feeling she is trying to get me to relapse. It is really, really frustrating. Some of the things she has said to me are really upsetting - like "Me and A from Cornell were talking about it. You looked good thin. It works on you." or some odd quote from Marya Hornbacher's book. I keep telling myself that she meant I looked good when I left - because when I left IP, she said to me that it wasn't fair how I gained the same amount of weight she did and yet I looked so much "better" than her. I hate the comparitive nature of ED's by the way. But it was still really hurtful to have that idea of her (or anyone) possibly telling me that I looked fine when I was dying. I was fucking killing myself. And I hate that people think it was glamorous or beautiful. I mean honestly. Anorexia is perhaps the most cruel and grotesque of mental illnesses and to have this girl essentially idolizing me from when I was at one of my worst points is just....ahhh! I want to shake her and say "What is wrong with you? Why are you doing this to me?" She KNOWS I reached an even lower point than when she met me, and she KNOWS I have fought like hell to get my health back. And then she tells me that she is happy that I am doing better. And sends me emails entitled "losing weight is a labor of love" - never opened that one. I don't know how to get her to stop though. I want desperately to be able to help her. But she is about seven years older than myself - I cannot help her if she won't help herself. I know its toxic to me, and my ability to sustain recovery, if I keep getting messages like that from this girl. But I feel horribly guilty if I tell her I don't want her talking to me anymore. She doesn't have many friends and she is kind of lonely. And I was that girl for a long time so I have softspot for that. I guess I keep hoping that if she hears about how much better life can be without an ED ruling it, she will want to let it go.
I have no idea what I should do.
I think for now...I am not going to worry about and think of all the other happy things instead. Like that the sun came back out just now, full force. Hooray! The rain is gone.
Wow. OK So I've got my music on shuffle. This is what just came on:
"Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
I can't help but ask my self how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer.
Its driven me before, and it seems to have a vaguely haunting mass appeal. But lately, I'm beginning to find when I'm in drive, my light is found.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.
With open arms and open eyes, yea.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there. I'll be there."- Incubus
I used to listen to this song EVERY day. Multiple times. I haven't heard it in ages but it felt appropriate to be shared for some reason.
I think its beautiful to be able to think of a tomorrow again - and think of it with fondness and a feeling of knowing whatever comes, it will be survived.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago