Tuesday, July 7, 2009

::enter happy::

Sooo I cannot thank you all enough for all the positive and encouraging feedback on my last post! I admit, I am a bit nervous about going out to dinner. I'm going to eat as normally as possible though, and I will be reminding myself the entire time that my meal needs to be 700 calories minimum anyways, so I should enjoy the fact that I can basically eat whatever the heck I want. I am really excited and will definitely give you all a full update on that Thursday. Hugs all around to everyone!

I forgot to take a picture of brekkie this morning. But I am sooo proud of myself. I was torn between having brownie batter oats and shredded wheat. OK. Not torn. Victoria wanted brownie batter oats, but ED kept insisting shredded wheat would be better for me to have.
I wanted brownie batter oats and that was what I made. First time ever deciding exactly what I wanted right then in the morning. I have been planning at least a day in advance for a long time now - though in the past week or so I have been experimenting more and more with choosing what I want on a given day. But I was still following meal plans that I had already written out in days prior.
Today was without plan. Entirely. I had oat bran cooked in chocolate soymilk with mashed banana and 2TBS White Chocolate Wonderful. And coffee with cream. And cottage cheese with raisins.
For lunch I had figured on having a ricotta and sundried tomato wrap because that was what I had last time I had brownie batter oats. But I really wanted hummus and cheese. So I had that for lunch instead because it was what I wanted, and I knew the calories would be pretty much the same as long as I added the proper accoutrements.

I feel unbelievably proud of myself. For the first time in I don't know how man years - I can actually thinkg of what I want to eat. I honestly cannot remember the last time I ever had a feeling of what I wanted to eat versus what anorexia said was OK. This is truly liberating.

Now, I do have one slight dilemma. There is a girl I was inpatient with last winter and spring. She keeps emailing me. She is struggling a lot with the weight she gained (she had to go back to IP again this past fall) and she is insistant on losing some of it. She keeps sending me emails and I get the feeling she is trying to get me to relapse. It is really, really frustrating. Some of the things she has said to me are really upsetting - like "Me and A from Cornell were talking about it. You looked good thin. It works on you." or some odd quote from Marya Hornbacher's book. I keep telling myself that she meant I looked good when I left - because when I left IP, she said to me that it wasn't fair how I gained the same amount of weight she did and yet I looked so much "better" than her. I hate the comparitive nature of ED's by the way. But it was still really hurtful to have that idea of her (or anyone) possibly telling me that I looked fine when I was dying. I was fucking killing myself. And I hate that people think it was glamorous or beautiful. I mean honestly. Anorexia is perhaps the most cruel and grotesque of mental illnesses and to have this girl essentially idolizing me from when I was at one of my worst points is just....ahhh! I want to shake her and say "What is wrong with you? Why are you doing this to me?" She KNOWS I reached an even lower point than when she met me, and she KNOWS I have fought like hell to get my health back. And then she tells me that she is happy that I am doing better. And sends me emails entitled "losing weight is a labor of love" - never opened that one. I don't know how to get her to stop though. I want desperately to be able to help her. But she is about seven years older than myself - I cannot help her if she won't help herself. I know its toxic to me, and my ability to sustain recovery, if I keep getting messages like that from this girl. But I feel horribly guilty if I tell her I don't want her talking to me anymore. She doesn't have many friends and she is kind of lonely. And I was that girl for a long time so I have softspot for that. I guess I keep hoping that if she hears about how much better life can be without an ED ruling it, she will want to let it go.

I have no idea what I should do.

I think for now...I am not going to worry about and think of all the other happy things instead. Like that the sun came back out just now, full force. Hooray! The rain is gone.

Wow. OK So I've got my music on shuffle. This is what just came on:

"Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
I can't help but ask my self how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer.
Its driven me before, and it seems to have a vaguely haunting mass appeal. But lately, I'm beginning to find when I'm in drive, my light is found.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.
With open arms and open eyes, yea.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there. I'll be there."- Incubus

I used to listen to this song EVERY day. Multiple times. I haven't heard it in ages but it felt appropriate to be shared for some reason.
I think its beautiful to be able to think of a tomorrow again - and think of it with fondness and a feeling of knowing whatever comes, it will be survived.


  1. Yayyyyyyy Tori, congrats on not planning your meals! I've gone a little less than a year of not planning at least a day in advance, and it's so liberating. You're making progress every day!

    Ehhhh, that's a tricky situation you're in with the girl from IP. You have to keep in mind that you're not superwoman- you can't help everyone. Right now, YOUR recovery is the most important thing, and you shouldn't let the girl drag you down with her plans to relapse. You're allowed to tell her that she's making recovery harder for you, and if she really cares about you, she should back off. Right now it sort of sounds like that anorexic competition though, "I'm losing weight and you're not!" Be careful!

    Can't wait to hear about your date, much love!

  2. heh. It could only be a competition if I actually involved myself in it. But I don't. So in that regard at least, I'm safe.

  3. I am SO SO SO happy for you listening to what YOU wanted and not Ed for your eats today!!! :) :) that is huge!!! continue on with that!! :)

    Im so sorry about that girl. In all honesty if it were me I would write her to say the things she is saying is far too triggering for you, then block her email. I know it seems cruel but at this point in recovery taking care of YOU in number one!!!!
    <3 hugs!!

  4. we have to remember we're alive. if your friend from IP feels like she has to spend her life trying to die, then that is her waste. yes, you are thin even though you gained weight. yes, some people are naturally thinner, and some people are naturally curvier/chubbier. and yes, anorexia is an extreme expression of a person's pain or insecurity. but i know, we all know for a fact, that sacrificing your health and becoming sickly and skinny does NOT make people like you. it does not resolve your pain. it does not give you happiness or meaningful relationships. it exacerbates the pain, for everyone - for you, your family, your friends, for random strangers who hear about it and feel sad for you. so sure, i, erin, may have bigger thighs, may not be thin at a weight that is healthy. and you, tori, may have to eat a lot of calories and may not gain weight very quickly. but you know what, i don't think anyone cares about that. i don't go around making friends with a prerequisite in my mind of sub-15 bmi or whatever, a waist or thighs of less than so-many-inches. no one does that. i think people care about what you say and how you make them feel and the time you spend with them. a life obsessing about something that in all honesty DOES NOT MATTER (i.e., 20 extra calories, a pound on the scales, even ten pounds) is basically a life wasted. anorexia robs people of so much, but this is something that the sufferer has to figure out for themselves. it's not 'i can't possibly eat that meal...' it's 'i choose not to.' recovery is a choice, and so is an eating disorder. every minute we have a choice, and you've made choices where you actually have a life tori. your friend seems to have decided to live her misery pointlessly for even longer, and she has reasons for that, and i don't pretend to label her or understand her suffering. but it's up to her now. you can support her, but when it comes down to it, it's her choice.
    and for sure, it's hard sometimes, but you don't learn much from things that are easy.
    it's been a while, but i still think of you. it seems like you're living some good things now. everything isn't great, i know, i don't think it ever is, i don't think it needs to be. but keep going because i think it's worth it, no matter how cliche it sounds.
    you take care. eat that brownie batter oat bran. within reason, do what you want :)

  5. LOVE incubus :) such a great song!!

    i think its so awesome you are going to dinner-- you are going to have an AMAZING time girl! trust me-- you will be FINE! and if you ever need ANYTHING dont hesitate to contact me-- i eat out AT LEAST 3-4 times a week-- you have NOTHING to fear!!!!!! (i know--easier said than done)

    i also think its FREAKIN AMAZING you went 'unplanned' today with your eats-- i know HOW TEMPTING it is to eat the same food 'combos' because of their 'saftey' but doing this only keeps us TRAPPED! you should feel sooo proud of yourself :)

    lastly-- it is obvious that this girl is NOT WELL. if i were you-- i would express that her words are somewhat triggering to you and ask her to not say those things. girl-- im gona be honest-- frmo the pics you have posted-- when you are "too thin" it does not look good (NO ONE looks good when they are severely underweight)-- this girl is SPEAKING WITH HER ED! is it obvious that SHE wants to lose weight and she is PROJECTING that on to you-- which is OBVIOUSLY NOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO!!!!!

    im here for you girl-- stay strong xoxoxox j

  6. this is a powerful post Tori!
    im SO proud of you!!!

    LOVE that song too. <3

  7. That was one of the first songs I learned to play on my guitar and is still one of my favorites, i told you we needed to get together and go bowling!

    As per the meals, LET IT ROCK - LET IT ROCK - LET IT ROCK! Im experimenting with that as well and i will tell you what, the switch tp veganism is really helping that along. There is such an abunance of fresh fruit out there and it all tastes awesome, i need to make sure i eat more veggies but still.. loving it! Sometimes i pretend its like a top chef quickfire challenge and pick like three random things in the pantry and make a meal from that.

    Lastly, again something else we have in common, you have to remember to put yourself first. I know it feels like your letting someone down if you focus on you rather than someone else but at the end of the day all you have is you. Nobody else is going to do it, especially not in the longrun so keep youself a priority.. and then get anther frappuchino :P

  8. AHHHHHHHH you make me SO happy! First off, that is SOOO exciting about the dinner! You are going to do so amazingly well and everything will go smoothly...i just have such good vibes about it!

    Okay and now for a HUGE Yeeeeeee! OMg that must have been the most AMAZING thing in the whole wide world to just listen to your body and eat exactly what it wanted not what that stupid other voice says to eat. Sooooo dang happy about the intuitive eating and being able to do it twice in one day! Damn girl, you are just kicking ED to the corner and then throwing the clothes at him and saying "don't come back, ya hear?!" haha Eating out of routine, eating what you want, and not planning are normal, normal, normal and that my friend, means you are winning this battle.

    Last but certainly not least, I could not be more sorry that this girl is trying to drag you down. As you know, she is SICK! I mean she is trying to tell you that when you are emaciated, pale, and hollow that you look good. She is undoubtedly still so under ED's control and does not understand any truth to recovery right now. I would only imagine that her comments, email titles, and messages are very triggering and upsetting. If I were you, I would just let her know very kindly that you are very PROUD of where you have come and that you feel good about recovery and that you really DO NOT need someone to bring you down right now. Express that to her because you must remember that you need to put YOU first right now. I know that is SO incredibly hard for both of us but if someone is drowning and grabs onto you in order to "save' themself, you will be the one to ultimately drown. Take care of yourself and don't feel badly that you have to be blunt with her. I know that you have a place for her in your heart and you don't want to leave her alone but if she plans on continuing these pro-ana conversations, then the only thing that can come from it is bad. The competition will become overwhelming and she will continue to poke and prod until she feels that she can win. You do not need anyone like that in your life no matter how much you care about them. Please put yourself first! You have come SOOOo far and you are so amazing and look at all the great things that have happened because of it! I know you'll do the right thing babe.

    Have fun on the date! I Cannot wait to hear about it!

  9. That song is one of my favourites too, it made it into two of my recent posts!
    Seriously Tori, I think you should tell this girl how you feel. Tell her that you want to support her but you have worked REALLY hard to get where you are, and you can't have her saying all this rubbish to you. It's just not fair, and no real friend would do that. I have friends who behave in a selfish and triggering way when they are very ill but are lovely people when they are well, and lately I've taken to telling them that I don't like their anorexia using me like that. It works, too, because I don't attack them - just the illness. If they carry on behaving in the same way I just stop seeing them until they are better. A real friend would understand. You can't help anyone if you end up relapsing yourself, after all <3
    Well done for eating what you wanted, that is brilliant!

  10. Congratualtions on choosing what you wanted as opposed to what you had planned, and for breaking out for dinner ~ I really, really hope it goes well and you enjoy yourself as much as you deserve to!

    However, about the e-mails from this girl: in my opinion she's not a great influence on you right now and could even be described as 'toxic'. You are a very, very kind and thoughtful person but it's clear that at times other people have taken advantage of that and, as you have said in the past, you can't save everyone. The e-mails she has been sending to you are totally inappropriate and sound like a desperate bid to hook you back into the negative loop she has gotten herself into. From looking at the pictures in your previous post, you do *not* look better at such a low weight ~ you are still beautiful, so beautiful it's breathtaking, but you look so drawn, so ill and frail. In your more recent pics you're simply stunning so I beg you not to listen to what she has said and to seriously think about whether you need to break off contact with her ~ she's far older than you and stuck in a far worse place...there's a point where you may have to walk away for the sake of your own health.

    I hope you don't mind me saying this as I'm not part of the close-knit crowd in the blogging community but I'm an avid reader and it would be heartbreaking to see all your progress undone by one negative influence.

    Take care of YOURSELF


  11. Thats wonderful you made those meals without planning! A really huge step and kick in the ass for ED to :-).

    Its a tricky situation with your friend from IP, I know in one way you want to help and support her but at the same time the things she is saying to you could be triggering and you don't want to get pulled back after all your hard work.
    Maybe you could say to her you find some of the things she talks about triggering?

    Have a great time out at dinner,

  12. It can be so hard to say no to someone who needs help, but I agree with everyone here: you can't carry her on your shoulders. So at first notify her that what she says is triggering etc., and if she cleans up her speech, ok. But if not, you may need to just walk away completely. :/

    Your dinner date will be so much fun :)

  13. You are doing unbelievable well! I have said it so many times but I admire you so much. Eating out is a challenge, but as you say, there is no upper limit! So enjoy whatever you want to order, not what ED tells you too :)
    As for your friend from IP...I guess maybe just ignoring her and giving her some space may be the best option for both of you. Not giving her the satisfaction of relapsing may make her look upon herself and realise she should try and recover as well. You need to continue to be a good inspiration for her. Good luck! <3