Thursday, July 30, 2009

Fear and Confessions.

I haven't been posting much lately, I know. I've been spending a good deal of time out with D. But its not just that.
I haven't weighed myself in about 2 weeks now. I am terrified of getting on the scale. In my heart, I know I haven't been eating enough. Still well above what I would consider to be restriction - but I know that the fear foods, the fear of gaining while cutting down on my smoking and the lazy days spent watching movies - have probably caused me to not really eat what I should be eating. I know I probably over estimate at times.
The other day I looked in the mirror. I don't see weight loss per se. But I could swear certain parts of my body used to have a bit more "padding" than they do now. I'm not sure if I was just not seeing myself properly before, or if what I am seeing is real. Its so hard to know. I'm giving myself two solid days of eating at home, and then I am going to get on the scale and see what, if any, damage has been done.

This is not to say no progress has been made. Quite the opposite honestly. Yesterday, me and D made breakfast at his house. I ate french toast made with white bread, whole milk, butter and powdered sugar. I ate scrambled eggs. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the use of a measuring spoon. I ate dinner at Olive Garden and I finished my plate (OK I took my appetizer home in a box. But I figured it was more important for me to eat all of my meal as opposed to filling myself up on a 100-calorie soup.) I ate bits and bites of food that I couldn't account for and drank about a quarter of a rum n coke (because D apparently cannot handle Bacardi 151 like your girl here can) all things I didn't even count towards what I need to eat in a day. I don't know if I can express how huge it is for me to eat or drink a little bit of something and not look at it as more calories consumed. I admit - by the end of the night and D was trying to get me to eat some of his dish - ED started acting up because I had been eating bits and bites all day and I just couldn't do it anymore. I ended up needing to have a long with the boy and explaining things to him - why I suddenly seemed anxious and all that. He still doesn't understand. But I at least got him to see that this was all good for me - that I need to feel anxious and afraid at times or else I will never get better.

I have come to so many new revelations. Like it doesn't matter if the food I eat is the 100% perfect and healthy meal every time. Its okay to eat white bread and butter some times. It won't kill me, and it won't kill anyone else either. In fact, its quite enjoyable (especially when your sitting on the front steps eating breakfast with a cute boy) and that its OKAY to let yourself enjoy the indulgence once in a while. Its good to not eat just what seems safe and perfectly healthy - you've got to branch out into the foreign territory if you ever want this illness to end. And you know what I figured out too? Its OK if I lost a bit of weight. Because I know in my heart that I have the ability and mindset now that I can increase my calories if I need to, that I can gain when I need to and that I do not need to be afraid. Because like everything else - mistakes and steps backwards can be fixed. As long as you learn from what you've done, that's all that matters.

I am making peace with myself - shortcomings, mistakes, and all. Nothing is ever going to perfect, and I am OK with that. As long as I never give up - I can let go.

I feel happier already, just writing that down with permanency.


  1. Your attitude is perfect. Sometimes, nothing else is available but white bread'n'butter. Or a slightly repulsive bar of chocolate (maybe you don't even LIKE caramel ones, but you might be hungry!) etc. And if we are hungry or there is nothing else and the situation calls, we need to realise ITS NORMAL TO JUST EAT THE BLOODY THING. It won't kill us. We shouldn't spend the rest of the day punishing ourselves for it, but to just accept it and enjoy it. Oh and you're looking very beautiful btw :)

  2. I love that cliché - making peace with yourself - because so many people are not at peace with themselves. if you can find that, that is truly awesome.
    love the picture and i love your style.

  3. Adorable outfit :P Is it weird that I just want to hug you, that picture, and this whole post?

    I still have moments of "it's not healthy enough!" too, but you're right. What is truly healthy is how we can mentally enjoy the experience shared with others, like you with a boy eating breakfast-- NOT whether the bread is white or wheat.

    AHHH you're so awesome ;) I don't know, just the rationality of you facing your fears, understanding them, and moving on makes me so happy.

  4. Tori you are so amazing..your mindset is so inspiring..the fact you knw you havent been reaching your intake and knowing something needs to be done is an amazing step forward...and wow all to the extra bites here and there! your a star keep moving forward, ED is going to hell :) xxx

  5. You look beautiful - is that a tattoo on your chest? because it is rockin'. i love a girl with a tatt.

    what a positive, lovely post. you are so right that we have to branch out and experience fear if we are ever to have a life without ED.

    that strength you have inside of you to know that if needs be, you can re-gain any possibly lost weight is awesome. you have come so far & its inspiring to see your confidence blossoming and your life becoming more and more full with every passing day.

  6. you are truly amazing, tori! and you look great. i want to get a tattoo but i'm afraid it will hurt haha. i'll get over it!

    i know what you mean about not eating enough. right now i am avoiding my afternoon snack like the plague, but because of you i am going to go eat one of the delicious bars you sent me with my necklace! which i LOVE by the way! the package made me SO happy that i cried (i have my period). lol. anyway seriously, ED took away a lot of friendships, and i feel like you and a lot of the other blogging girls have become friends to me, even if we have never actually met! haha.

    also, congrats for eating out and having french toast and all that. and i'm glad things are going so well with the boy :-)

  7. I can't remember if I have ever commented on your blog, but I've been following it for some time, awed by your progress,
    and proud of you, despite not knowing you.

    There is currently a giveaway running on my blog, and your more than welcome to enter, everyone loves new clothes, right?!

  8. I really look up to you Tori, your words are full of such wisdom and hope.
    To me recovery isnt just about gaining weight, its about breaking down those food barriers like you described: eating white bread etc, its about learning to live life again and enjoy food esp in sociable situations such as eating out.
    I think its wonderful your facing these fears and learning to embrace life fully again.

  9. Hey Tori

    I have my own blog now! Only two posts but really nice to write things down.

    You are amazing for coming to that realization. Gorgeous post, really brightening. Its so good that you and D are doing good, it must be so nice to have him and experience that normality.

    Btw, very cute pic, you are really pretty.


  10. your picture is so stunning!
    I wish I had your hair
    It totally suits you!

  11. Way to go girl!! I'm so proud!! Even though you don't know me, I kind of think I know you from reading all your posts!! And I'm so glad to read that you're doing so good!!
    Love the pic by the way and oh... Did you ever post more about your tattoos?! As I have a few myself I'd be really interessted to see them and maybe even get to know a little backstory?
    Anyways... Just continue on what you're doing!! hug

  12. i am loving that smile of your face hun. you can do this. email me if you need anything xxxx

  13. Tori,
    You have absolutely no idea how excited I am that you are 'enjoying' your time with D.
    Relationships in general, are such pesky little things as it is, and having to deal with them while also dealing with an eating disorder and all the lovely little perks of social anxiety and feelings of unworthiness that are more than often accompanied by it, is outstanding!
    I haven't picked up the phone to call anyone in ages, and as I'm sure you know, breaking habits causes such much unneeded anxiety that having relationships, even one kept as simple phone conversings, is terrifying. Because you've been away from things like it for so long.

    Boys are also pesky little things, and my experiences with boy-relationships and chats about my disorder have all led me to the conclusion, that no matter how much they care, respect, want to be there for you, they just don't get it.
    I think it would be very beneficial for you to talk to him every once in awhile about what you're going through, though, even non-ed related bothers.
    Even if the feelings, thoughts, etc. you're talking about, don’t click with him, I think it's important to let him know. And this way he'll feel comfortable confiding in you as well.
    But don't give up on him because you get that umm-sure-yea-whatever-you-say feeling. It sounds like he’s been good for you and I know how nice it is to have something positive to look forward to and enjoy spending your time with. :]

    The one thing I can’t stand about treatment in general, is the amount of focus spent on calories. Pre-treatment, during treatment, and post treatment; it’s all about the numbers. And sadly, sometimes you just can’t get away from it. It’s your job to make sure you’re being accountable for your health and food intake. But it’s also your job to make sure you are healthy in other areas of your life as well.
    I feel that, as long as you’re trying your damnest, and it sounds to me like you definitely are, don’t beat yourself up about some lost calories here and there. But, on the other hand, if the calories seem to increasingly lessen with a little initiative on your part, then it’s time to start really paying more mind to it.

    To me, it sounds like you’re doing everything possible to get yourself well, and that is so amendable. Irrational thoughts will always be there, but at least now you’ve got some positive ones in there too!

    Girl, I want to share this with you. My nutritionist gave me this article a few years back and I still take a peak every once in awhile at it, because it is so unbelievably true. I found a copy online, I think it might be a good thing to check out. Here’s the linkage,

    Eating good ol’ bread and butta is what many people I know eat every day, and honey they are as fit as a fiddle and healthy to boot. :] As long as your intake is normal, varied in nutrients, and right for you and your body, having a few pasteurized pleasures, even more than every once in awhile, is really, really good.

  14. You are one amazing lady, Tori. Your whole attitude to food and your recovery in general is spot on, and I have absolutely no doubt that your recent change in routine won't affect your journey through recovery. Oh and you are stunning. So beautiful. I hope this boy realises how lucky he is :)

  15. This is majorly late commenting because life has been bonkers but all I have to say is that I want to give you one GIANT hug right about now for all the amazing things you have been doing in your life! Despite what might be a little setback in terms of fear and a small amount of weight loss, you KNOW how to move right back and correct anything that may have been changed. Of course this time of getting accustomed to a new life with a new boy and new eating is going to be a bit hard and take time but you will be fine. I have so much faith that while you might be overestimating or cutting back a bit here and there, you CAN and WILL get right back to where you were.

    The simple fact that you have made progress in other arenas of your life is HUGE. I mean to finally not worry about things like white flour and sugar that used to always be an issue for you is something to be so proud of. No measuring spoons, eating bits and bites and not counting, and just learning how to live a normal life...these are all incredible strides and represent so greatly what amazing changes have come about through your recovery.

    Oh and I completely agree on this whole eating 100% healthy concept. I think that the blog world is far too focused on making sure to eating super duper clean and healthy when in a normal life, there is NOTHING wrong with eating the fun stuff or the not all natural stuff. As you said, it just ain't gonna hurt us!

    All in all this post is absolutely amazing. To see you coming into your own and finally recognize all of the amazing attributes that you posess, is heart warming on an inexplicable level. I have watched you come from the midst of your recovery to finding the light and embracing a new life. Nothing can nor will ever be perfect. To strive for something that doesn't exist is exhausting so its such a relief when that moment of clarity comes and you realize that you ARE good enough. I could not be more happy for you and wish you all the health and happiness in the world!

  16. FREAKIng EXACTLY what I mean!!! High five for the revelation, Tori! A lot of times, I find that...well, some of the blogs...focus TOO much on health...Like, "it's the end of the world to eat something white" kind of obsession. And that's just not healthy, or practical. It took me awhile to get that realization that a bit of sugar, or refined carbs here and there won't kill me. In fact, it LIBERATED me. It made my social life SO much easier and much tastier xp

    Fight on, Tori! You're getting back on track, and no matter what, you ARE progresing so don't ever give up!

  17. Hi beautiful!
    I keep my fingers crossed for you. You are so brave, you know that? I like your blog and all the photos! And you become more and more beautiful every day. What a great change :)