Aww, I love you guys so much! Seriously - I've never had any friends be as good to me as you all are. <3 I cannot say thank you enough. I am really glad that I have this blog - you've all helped me SO much. I don't know that I would have ever made this much progress on my own.
Speaking of progress. I decided something big today. Something huge.
I know a week or two I decided to stop counting grams of fat/protein/etc. But I was still planning out meals, still counting the calories.
As of this morning, I am a FREE woman. No more counting. Paying attention? Yes. but counting down to the nanogram - no. I know in my heart that I know what I need to eat to maintain my weight. I know what I need to gain. I am going to trust myself. How did I come to this decision? Because I have wanted to do this for a really long time. I knew no one else was going to give me the permission to go without micromanaging my diet - my family will probably always see me as their anorexic daughter. So it hit me the other night that if I want my freedom, I need to take it for myself. No one else will grant it to me, no one will hand it to me on a silver platter and say "Here, you can have this now. Its safe." No. I have to try for it and have faith in myself - even if there isn't anyone else around me who does. I can do this. I know I can.
And Victoria's first free breakfast was something she hadn't had in quite some time:
Bircher Muesli! Made by soaking 1/2 cup oats in 1/4 cup each soymilk and Fage 2%. This morning, I added the rest of the Fage, thinly sliced 'nana, chopped dried figs, a handful of almonds and a scoop of WCW. This was sooo good. I've never made bircher-muesli soaked in both milk and yogurt overnight - it definitely was much creamier this morning. I think perhaps the active cultures in the yogurt help the oats soften up?
Now, I know y'all want to hear about the second date. We went ice skating. I live in New England and I have NEVER gone ice skating before. Isn't that fantastic! I was terrified I was going to fall. But I didn't, not once.Not even when a little five year old boy clung onto my leg for about half a lap around the rink (which while adorable was slightly unnerving) And I think I fell in love with skating haha. It was soo much fun. And yes - I still really like the boy. He's quite wonderful. I don't think he quite realizes how much I have stepped outside of my "comfort zone" just in the past week or so alone. I mean really - I have had cups of ice cream with fudge and nuts several nights now since we were out and I needed a boost to make my calories for a day. Never would have done that before. I feel like anorexia is not in my head anymore. It may be that I've felt that way for a while now actually, but it took the change of routine and stepping outside of my familiars to see it. Also something HUGE happened. Third date is today. Going to the beach.
To go swimming.
Yours truly has not been in a bathing suit since 2006. :gulps: I tried on my bathing suit from all those years ago. And much to ED's dismay - it still fits perfectly and I look pretty damn good - if I may say so myself ^.^ Certainly much better than the last time I wore it when I was 17. Sooo stepping outside of the box there too. Woo-hoo!
I feel so incredibly good about everything. I read through my old journals now and it literally stupifies me - how much hate I had for myself, and how much suffering and punishment I inflicted upon myself because I believed in my heart and mind that I deserved it all. I cannot imagine going back to that life of self-persecution and torment, or having all those horrible hateful thoughts and conflicting feelings. It honestly seems like a whole different world to me now. I imagine that is a good thing. I can recall it and remember it quite vividly, but I do not forsee myself going back there. And that in and of itself feels freeing.
P.S. I will be raffling off 3 necklaces in honor of all you beautiful and incredible people. So! If you want one - leave a comment and include your favorite color (cuz you know, I need to know what will be best to send to whom) and at the end of the week, I'll pick winners. There *may* be a few other surprises tucked into the packages as well.
Have a wonderful Monday everyone!
Why Can I Only Love the Broken?
2 months ago