Monday, July 13, 2009

Leaps and Bounds and Beads.

Aww, I love you guys so much! Seriously - I've never had any friends be as good to me as you all are. <3 I cannot say thank you enough. I am really glad that I have this blog - you've all helped me SO much. I don't know that I would have ever made this much progress on my own.
Speaking of progress. I decided something big today. Something huge.
I know a week or two I decided to stop counting grams of fat/protein/etc. But I was still planning out meals, still counting the calories.
As of this morning, I am a FREE woman. No more counting. Paying attention? Yes. but counting down to the nanogram - no. I know in my heart that I know what I need to eat to maintain my weight. I know what I need to gain. I am going to trust myself. How did I come to this decision? Because I have wanted to do this for a really long time. I knew no one else was going to give me the permission to go without micromanaging my diet - my family will probably always see me as their anorexic daughter. So it hit me the other night that if I want my freedom, I need to take it for myself. No one else will grant it to me, no one will hand it to me on a silver platter and say "Here, you can have this now. Its safe." No. I have to try for it and have faith in myself - even if there isn't anyone else around me who does. I can do this. I know I can.

And Victoria's first free breakfast was something she hadn't had in quite some time:

Bircher Muesli! Made by soaking 1/2 cup oats in 1/4 cup each soymilk and Fage 2%. This morning, I added the rest of the Fage, thinly sliced 'nana, chopped dried figs, a handful of almonds and a scoop of WCW. This was sooo good. I've never made bircher-muesli soaked in both milk and yogurt overnight - it definitely was much creamier this morning. I think perhaps the active cultures in the yogurt help the oats soften up?

Now, I know y'all want to hear about the second date. We went ice skating. I live in New England and I have NEVER gone ice skating before. Isn't that fantastic! I was terrified I was going to fall. But I didn't, not once.Not even when a little five year old boy clung onto my leg for about half a lap around the rink (which while adorable was slightly unnerving) And I think I fell in love with skating haha. It was soo much fun. And yes - I still really like the boy. He's quite wonderful. I don't think he quite realizes how much I have stepped outside of my "comfort zone" just in the past week or so alone. I mean really - I have had cups of ice cream with fudge and nuts several nights now since we were out and I needed a boost to make my calories for a day. Never would have done that before. I feel like anorexia is not in my head anymore. It may be that I've felt that way for a while now actually, but it took the change of routine and stepping outside of my familiars to see it. Also something HUGE happened. Third date is today. Going to the beach.
To go swimming.
Yours truly has not been in a bathing suit since 2006. :gulps: I tried on my bathing suit from all those years ago. And much to ED's dismay - it still fits perfectly and I look pretty damn good - if I may say so myself ^.^ Certainly much better than the last time I wore it when I was 17. Sooo stepping outside of the box there too. Woo-hoo!
I feel so incredibly good about everything. I read through my old journals now and it literally stupifies me - how much hate I had for myself, and how much suffering and punishment I inflicted upon myself because I believed in my heart and mind that I deserved it all. I cannot imagine going back to that life of self-persecution and torment, or having all those horrible hateful thoughts and conflicting feelings. It honestly seems like a whole different world to me now. I imagine that is a good thing. I can recall it and remember it quite vividly, but I do not forsee myself going back there. And that in and of itself feels freeing.

P.S. I will be raffling off 3 necklaces in honor of all you beautiful and incredible people. So! If you want one - leave a comment and include your favorite color (cuz you know, I need to know what will be best to send to whom) and at the end of the week, I'll pick winners. There *may* be a few other surprises tucked into the packages as well.

Have a wonderful Monday everyone!


  1. Wow... It's unbelievable how happy I am after reading this post!!
    You have no idea how much cheering up you can do with just one post!!

    I'm really glad to read you stopped counting!!! This is a big thing!! And I'm really proud you decided to do this!! Keep this up-beat attitude!! It really suits you!!

    Oh... And by the way... My favorite color is (dark) purple! ;) xo

  2. Reading these posts is like seeing a whole new person-- the REAL you! I am so excited that you haven given up counting to the exact calorie. Now food can be more about taste and experience (like sharing ice cream with your date) rather than numbers & figures.

    Ice skating is so much fun :) Glad you got to try it! I bet the beach will be fun, too. Well, kind of sounds like anything would be with you and your date ;P

    My favorite color is orange x)

  3. I am so so proud of you, wow tori you have made HUGE progress, you are an inspiration!

    love you

  4. wow, i am SO happy for you. seriously. i would be SO afraid to get in a bathing suit in front of a guy i liked, even before my ED! so props to you, sexy lady! strut your stuff haha

    ....and my favorite color is blue/turquoise! just in case. lol

  5. How come every time I read your entries I am absolutely speechless?!? You have inspired me to stop counting least for today. One day at a time right?!

    It's hard to explain my favorite color. A lot of people call it marigold but I think it's a little more on the yellow side. Regardless, it's bright and full of life- just as I hope to be some day!!

    Have fun on your swimming date. Knock him off his feet with how beautiful you are! <3

  6. tori you did it!!!!! i am so so proud of you. how beautiful is life when you are free?? i love all the progress you're making!
    i would absolutely love to have one of those necklaces. and just becasue they are made by you i'd wear any colour. but my favorite colour would be turquoise.
    enjoy your swim hun

  7. Yay! Way to go on giving up counting! That's amazing :D!!! Also, yay for the boy :) I'm glad you had fun on your second date, and knock him dead for the third, you sexy mama you :P My fave color is orange, in case I am so lucky :P

    Have a fantastic day!
    <3 Jenn

  8. I look up to you so much. I have been desperatley wanting to just EAT and not have to worry about counting calories and such, but I'm terrified of LOSING weight on accident! I've come so far with my weight gain and don't want to un-do my hard work.

    Anyway, you're doing great though! It must feel wonderful to finally be "you" again.

  9. hi tori...i have been lurking around your blog for sometime and am very excited to hear about your new independence with regard to counting. i know you can do it! also, super excited to hear about the new boy, ice skating, ice cream....and the beach! have a certainly deserve it!!

    my fave color is green!


  10. Oh my goodness Tori I am so so proud of you! For all your recent achievements - the dates with the boy, ice cream, freeing yourself from calorie counting, WEARING A BATHING SUIT!! You deserve every ounce of happiness that this boy brings to you :D Have a wonderful third date honey <3
    Ps I'm with beautiful Neela, my favourite colour is turqoise too!

  11. The progress you've made is amazing! I truly hope that you find happiness with this boy and he treats you with the love and care you deserve.

    I'm not brave enough to ice skate (one of the few sports I don't enjoy!) as the last time I tried I fell over so many times that I ended up a bruised and bloody mess ~ I'm so envious of your ability to keep your balance. Have fun swimming ~ you've got nothing to worry about.

    My favourite colour is black (not sure if the giveaway is open to UK bloggers ~ disregard this if not as there's no way I'd want you to have to pay international postage rates unnecessarily)


  12. Tori, I always make sure to read your posts but usually don't comment, but I just have to tell you how incredibly happy I am for you! You are so right that we have to make the choice to stop counting calories and all because nobody else can just give us that freedom. We choose it. You're such a strong and beautiful person, and I'm so glad you see that fully now! Good luck with your next date <3

  13. I'm so happy life is going so well for you right now! You ARE awesome and you HAVE accomplished a lot, not because of everyone here, but because YOU took action! Go girl!

    Fave color= sage green/blue/red... I have lots... any color! Oh I think orange, yellow, and red are great together!

  14. Oh Tori! This makes me so happy - you have come so far, and shown such courage, strength, and inner beauty. I'm so happy to hear that you have given yourself the freedom that you deserve. :)

    My favorite colors are grey, dark blue, and purple. :)

  15. Victoria...Tori...girl, you are truly AMAZING. You are honestly one of the most ambitious, strong and wilful people I know, not to mention BRAVE AS FUCK! Your determination and will to kick ED in the ass and help others do the same, the time and patience you have, is awesome. I think you have come through an enormous amount of shit and become the most amazing person...Look at the number of fun things you are doing now, meeting new people and enjoying and properly living life. It's so good. You're an inspiration. Not only that, but you're also stopping counting calories, which is a major step I know and also one of the best to make, it shows you are nearly there, your recovery is going so well ^.^
    I hope you really enjoy swimming and spending time with the boy ;)

    I would truly love a necklace, just cause it would remind me of you and I'd probably wear it all the time as a little inspiration :) Colour-wise, I don't particularly mind, but I love purple, greys, black, blue...any colour really I don't actually mind ^^ Love you dearie

  16. Wow Tori, this is all so great <3 you are doing so well! I hope you had a really good time at the beach too. The ice skating sounded like fun, I've been a couple of times and enjoyed it a lot.
    I can't wait to give up calorie counting, I am all awe for you. Best of luck with this.
    My favourite colours are blue and green :)

  17. i am so happy for you!
    my fav color is skyblue =)

  18. Tori,
    it's so great that you're doing so well!
    You're go beautiful inside and out and i wish you all the BEST!
    have awesome time at the beach!

    i like all the colors, but light blue and silver are so pretty!

  19. Girl you have come so far in this last few months I have been reading etc, and I am so glad you have finally made the step to not counting that is truly amazing and inspirational. I hope to be where you are one day. Well done!

  20. I am sooo happy for you! Like I said in my last comment, I would LOVE to have one of your necklaces-made by a truely inspirational person. I am so proud of you- and your inspiration is so important to me! Any color would be beautiful-whatever your fav. is.

  21. First time commenter here. Just wanted to say I love your blog and really enjoy reading. You are an inspiration! My favorite color is purple!

  22. hey girl!

    wow i am just so proud of you for so many reasons in this post! sooo glad you are starting to eat intuitively-- that is HUGE and SOOO freeing!

    yay for the second date-- that is sooo exciting! as well as the third date :) yay!!!!! and double yay for you conquering the bathing suit fear-- its never easy!

    have a fabulous day xoxoxox

  23. are you kidding girlie, we should be the ones thanking YOU! We are all SO blessed to have you in our life because you are amazing, wonderful, smart, talented, determined, inspiritationl, and the list goes on!

    AHHHHHHh Tori, look at you goooo! Dates, loving yourself more and more, and now NO MORE COUNTING! You should be so damn proud of yourself. If there is one person who knows what's up and has the world's best attitude that person is YOU! You are so strong and so bright about everything and you truly get it. I couldnt be more proud or delighted that you have achieved the beginning of what will be the most blissful freedom ever!

    As I read over and over this post I get more and more giddy with excitement for you! Stepping out of your little box and letting all the beautiful adventure and light soak in. It's been calling your name for SO long but you had little earmuffs that made the sound way too muffled to really understand. But now those ear muffs are gone and you are listening and the sound is oh so amazing. It's so great youre actually dancing to it and damn does it feel good! Yayys all around for breaking free, eating ice cream, kissing cute amazing boys, hopping in a bathing suit and LOVING the way you feel in it, for recognizing how mean you were to yourself and for starting to fix that, for coming into your own and learning how to relove (haha no pun intended) the amazing person you've always been, and finally for knowing truly in your heart that you will NEVER go back down that hideos road again. My heart is filled with warmth for you and so much respect and love for all the things you have achieved! Big hugs doll, big hugs!

  24. i am so happy for you tori! wow! amazing! because i know that you have been wanting to take this next step for the longest time. and i completely agree - freedom is not something that can be given out, we have to work hard for it (ed or not). ive noticed that the less i count every single calorie, gram of sodium, fat, protein, etc i am feeling more comfortable with myself and my anorexia, too. i know you can do this! you can, and you will succeed. but right on. we will always be anorexic to our family (odd, i was having this discussion with my parents the other night) but that does not mean that i will be brooke the anorexic forever. its just something we will have to except and move on with our lives (that goes for our friends, family, loved ones too). only now we can try to live a normal life and be happy and healthy.

    sorry for the long comment! im just really, really elated/proud/inspired/all of the above!

    love you beautiful,
    xo brooke

    p.s the beach! wow, you go girl! i know you look stunning. and i know that you will have a great time! keep living in the moment and start each day with a smile :) this boy really cares about you, and you should care about you, too. you are a beautiful girl inside and out.

  25. I havent been ice skating in years, its so much fun though isn't it? I usually spend more time flat on my ass than skating though!

    Swimming and a bathing suit, ohh go you! Im so happy to hear your trying out these things now and feeling confident enough to do it. Thats just wonderful and so is your new no counting method, thats a huge step, gosh its really good to hear all these things you are doing.

    I love that your starting to get your life back and push your ED away, there are better things to focus on.

    Have a great day,

  26. I LOVE orange :-) Would love to win a necklace of yours!!

    Girl, all I have to say is that I'm so so proud of you. You are one is going to 'give' you your freedom - you have to take hold of it yourself. And you are absolutely doing that. Love you, girl!

  27. Tori - what a wonderful post - you truly are an inspiration to all of us who suffer from ED!!!!! THank you for being so honest i all of your posts and for giving each of us the inspiration to keep fighting!!
    Its so great to see how awesome you are doing!!!!
    My favorite color is green!!!!!!! I would love a necklace!!
    from aimee -

  28. You are such an inspiration to everybody.
    Your so strong and you should be so proud of yourself, I know we all are :)
    xx Katie