Monday, July 27, 2009

Monday Morning

So I woke up this morning, walked around the house. I am officially pain-free this morning! I am SO relieved and happy. I guess I haven't done as much damage to myself as I thought I had, and that my body is far more capable of repair than I thought.
*happy dance*

Last night was a rough one. My ex-boyfriend from this past winter was talking to me last night. Ugh. I'm not sure if I told you all this - but he really, really screwed with my head those months ago. On Valentine's Day, he called me to ask if it was okay for him to sleep with another girl. He wanted me to move with him to Rochester (where he goes to school) while I was still very early in my recovery and was quite unstable. He used to talk about me having his children and such. He was very controlling and manipulative and would use guilt to get me to do whatever he wanted. He was hurtful and would be make me feel guilty over everything. To the point where I had started restricting again (OK. 2200- 2600 calories isn't really restricting per say, but I had cut back enough to stop gaining and start losing slowly for about a month before I ended things w/ him and bolstered myself back up properly) One time, he wanted me to eat a cookie and I really didn't feel comfortable having it - he pinned me down to his bed, shoved the cookie into my mouth and held his hands over my face until I chewed and swallowed. Not cool. As much as I did like him and care about him, and as sweet as he could seem at times - he himself was rather unstable and he definitely has some anger issues.
So this boy is talking to me last night, begging me to take him back. I told him I was dating someone. He said he didn't care as long as I was still his at the end of the day. He wanted me to have his children. He said we belonged together - that I was the only girl he could ever love. At one point he asked me to marry him (wtf? Who does that on the phone?) At the same time, he was also bashing me, telling me I was a liar and that I was manipulative and that I broke his heart by not moving to be with him. That I led him on and caused him great pain by constantly letting him down and not following all of his demands and wishes. He kept saying how worthless he was and how he would never be good enough for anyone if the one girl he truly wanted wouldn't have him. I ended up talking to him for over two hours - partly defending myself and partly trying to calm his own self-hatred. It was soo frustrating. No matter what I said - he kept insisting that we had to be together no matter what. I felt immensely guilty because of what he said but you know what? I cut him off for a reason. That's the way he works - he abuses my guilt complex to get what he wants and needs. Not this time though. I told him I really, really like D. I was not going to let him try to worm himself back into my life and ruin something that was good for me. I eventually ended the conversation by telling him that us talking wasn't going to change anything and told him to have a good night.

Life is interesting, isn't it? The one thing I AM proud of is that I did not let a single one of the negative or hurtful things he said get to me. I know him - he gets angry when he doesn't get what he wants and he lashes out in attempt to make me change my mind. Its a game and he doesn't even realize he does it. I took every word he said and shrugged it off as his attempt at neutralizing his own feelings. In the past, a conversation like that would have led me to feel an immense need to punish and hurt myself. This time - I walked away feeling confident and proud of myself for not letting him get the better of me.

Well after having that happen literally just before I was going to bed, you can best bet I wanted a serious bowl of comfort (and triumph!) this morning for brekkie:

Kashi Autumn Wheat and some bearnaked granola in vanilla soy with slivered almonds, sliced banana, raisins, WCW and coconut flakes. <3 heaven. Also had my usual cuppa with Cinnamon Bun creamer. Ooh. The perfect breakfast to make you forget about the crazies in life. And a lovely way to start a Monday morning.

Love you girls! I apologize if I haven't gotten around to commenting as much, but please know that I DO read everyone's blogs almost every day. For whatever reason, I feel like I am short on words lately. It may be a twinge of social anxiety coming back as I get closer to going back to school. I always feel like I say waay too much so I think that's why I haven't been writing as much here or in response. I apologize for that - I need to work on not slipping into a shell when I get anxious.

Hope everyone's having a beautiful Monday!

11 comments:

  1. listen to your heart tori! that's what will make you happy in your life. so good to hear you are taking care of yourself and letting those people that do you good into your life
    much love from me
    xx

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  2. Ugh, I have an ex-boyfriend who is just like that. :( Manipulative, the ultimate guilt-tripper. He drove me crazy. I even had nightmare about him trying to kill me, if that's not enough of a sign! So I cut him out of my life completely. No contact. I was so relieved, so less stressed. It has been a wonderful decision :)

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  3. You go girl, I'm so proud of you for dealing with it like that! Nice oats as well ;) xoxo

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  4. Wow, sounds like you are well rid of him. Can you block his number or something so he can't verbally assault you over the phone again? congrats on how you dealt with him though - i don't know if i could be that strong.

    lovely oaties.

    l x

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  5. Im glad your toes mending up :-)
    Hmm I think you handled your ex situation well, you shouldnt feel guilty about making him mad, those things he did to you in the past and the way he treated you were awful.
    How on earth can someone be all nice to you and ask you to marry them and then suddendly turn around and start verbally abusing you like that? Really I think your much better off with this new guy :-)
    Good for you for standing your ground, leave him to sulk, you deserve better
    xox

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  6. your ex sounds like a twat, sorry
    im so glad youve found an inner strength, well proud of u tori xxxx

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  7. all this fighting ED has helped you fight other people and influences you don't want in your life!
    Good job!
    x

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  8. It took a lot of strength to stand up to your ex in the way that you did: be proud of yourself and allow yourself to find the happiness you deserve with someone who truly cares for you.

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  9. hey babydoll! What did I tell you?! I knew that little toe of yours would be aokay :) Im so happy that things are looking up and that you aren't hobbling around anymore. If it helps you feel any better, my back is KILLING me and I feel like the hunchback of notre dame. haha

    Anywho, cannot even begin to tell you how frickin proud I am of you for absolutely everything you said and did last night! I know how hard that must have been to have to "let him down" but I'm so glad that you were able to listen to that healthy rational part of your mind that KNEW he was trying to manipulate you and take advantage of the guilt factor. When it comes down to it, he thinks he knows how to make you feel badly enough to come back to him and that is simply the most unhealthy type of relationship there could possible be. I mean to shove a damn cookie down your throat isnt just overstepping one's boundaries but its abusive and incredibly disrespectful and inappropriate. My heart breaks that you ever had to endure such horrible treatment because you are simply an incredible person who deserves the best of the best. This guy is obviously dealing with some serious self issues and he thinks that by having someone he feels he can control will make his life better. He undoubtedly believes that by having you in his life he can take advantage of you but ya know what? There is NO way in this life that he will ever do that to you again. You are such an incredibly strong girl and youve come into a whole new light and realized what you ARE worth it and that you cannot let yourself believe anything other.
    Obviously im proud as hell of you! Hope you are having an amazing day lovebug! Oh and dont even worry about the commenting...we all get crazy sometime with life

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  10. Wow, well done for not biting to your ex's comments and mind games. It just shows you how far you have come and how strong you are now compared to before. What a great insentive to carry on and get better, non?
    I really need to get my ass into gear and get over the fear of coconut, I used to love the stuff! It looks delish in your brekkie :)
    x

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  11. Tori...I am so proud of you! You turned down the boy that u used to care about..that's a huge thing you know! but i guess your greater vixtory is that u didn't let his "guilt-invoking" stuff rub on to you, even a bit. go tori! huggg ;) i envy you so...wish i could be asstrong as you are.

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