So I woke up this morning, walked around the house. I am officially pain-free this morning! I am SO relieved and happy. I guess I haven't done as much damage to myself as I thought I had, and that my body is far more capable of repair than I thought.
Last night was a rough one. My ex-boyfriend from this past winter was talking to me last night. Ugh. I'm not sure if I told you all this - but he really, really screwed with my head those months ago. On Valentine's Day, he called me to ask if it was okay for him to sleep with another girl. He wanted me to move with him to Rochester (where he goes to school) while I was still very early in my recovery and was quite unstable. He used to talk about me having his children and such. He was very controlling and manipulative and would use guilt to get me to do whatever he wanted. He was hurtful and would be make me feel guilty over everything. To the point where I had started restricting again (OK. 2200- 2600 calories isn't really restricting per say, but I had cut back enough to stop gaining and start losing slowly for about a month before I ended things w/ him and bolstered myself back up properly) One time, he wanted me to eat a cookie and I really didn't feel comfortable having it - he pinned me down to his bed, shoved the cookie into my mouth and held his hands over my face until I chewed and swallowed. Not cool. As much as I did like him and care about him, and as sweet as he could seem at times - he himself was rather unstable and he definitely has some anger issues.
So this boy is talking to me last night, begging me to take him back. I told him I was dating someone. He said he didn't care as long as I was still his at the end of the day. He wanted me to have his children. He said we belonged together - that I was the only girl he could ever love. At one point he asked me to marry him (wtf? Who does that on the phone?) At the same time, he was also bashing me, telling me I was a liar and that I was manipulative and that I broke his heart by not moving to be with him. That I led him on and caused him great pain by constantly letting him down and not following all of his demands and wishes. He kept saying how worthless he was and how he would never be good enough for anyone if the one girl he truly wanted wouldn't have him. I ended up talking to him for over two hours - partly defending myself and partly trying to calm his own self-hatred. It was soo frustrating. No matter what I said - he kept insisting that we had to be together no matter what. I felt immensely guilty because of what he said but you know what? I cut him off for a reason. That's the way he works - he abuses my guilt complex to get what he wants and needs. Not this time though. I told him I really, really like D. I was not going to let him try to worm himself back into my life and ruin something that was good for me. I eventually ended the conversation by telling him that us talking wasn't going to change anything and told him to have a good night.
Life is interesting, isn't it? The one thing I AM proud of is that I did not let a single one of the negative or hurtful things he said get to me. I know him - he gets angry when he doesn't get what he wants and he lashes out in attempt to make me change my mind. Its a game and he doesn't even realize he does it. I took every word he said and shrugged it off as his attempt at neutralizing his own feelings. In the past, a conversation like that would have led me to feel an immense need to punish and hurt myself. This time - I walked away feeling confident and proud of myself for not letting him get the better of me.
Well after having that happen literally just before I was going to bed, you can best bet I wanted a serious bowl of comfort (and triumph!) this morning for brekkie:
Kashi Autumn Wheat and some bearnaked granola in vanilla soy with slivered almonds, sliced banana, raisins, WCW and coconut flakes. <3 heaven. Also had my usual cuppa with Cinnamon Bun creamer. Ooh. The perfect breakfast to make you forget about the crazies in life. And a lovely way to start a Monday morning.
Love you girls! I apologize if I haven't gotten around to commenting as much, but please know that I DO read everyone's blogs almost every day. For whatever reason, I feel like I am short on words lately. It may be a twinge of social anxiety coming back as I get closer to going back to school. I always feel like I say waay too much so I think that's why I haven't been writing as much here or in response. I apologize for that - I need to work on not slipping into a shell when I get anxious.
Hope everyone's having a beautiful Monday!
5 weeks ago