Last night, I was hysterical. Tears kept coming everytime the word or thought entered my mind, no matter how hard I tried to stop it.
For a minute, I felt like giving up. Like all this past year had accomplished nothing. My eating disorder suddenly felt like something I could never truly be rid of - it left its mark on my body now, permanently and irreversibly. It has now taken more from me than ever before, more and more things that I can never get back. It shattered me honestly, hearing that news last night. I felt like saying "What is the point of all of this then? I will never escape anorexia. I give up."
Then rationality started coming back to me.
About ten months ago I had stress fractures in my feet from obsessive running. It took about a solid month for me to be able to even walk without pain. A month or so after the pain went away, I aggravated those fractures by walking around the house too much. That time, it took two weeks for the pain to go away.
I can run 3 miles at the gym now - pain free, no fracturing, nothing.
Obviously, whatever is wrong with me IS getting better. My bones have gotten stronger than they were a year ago. Sure, they aren't perfect. But they are in the process of getting better. The osteoporosis is probably only in my hip region. It is treatable, and given my age, possibly almost reversisble.
I didn't give up. I ate a full dinner with a dessert, and a snack before bed just as always. Anorexia has given me its consequences. I will not faulter and I will not be distracted by this upset.
My life can and will still belong to me.
I'm getting an appointment on Monday with a bone specialist so I can get started on some sort of treatment to help restore my bones faster.
"Fear not for consequences, fear not at all. My focus shall not fail, I shall not fall and nor shall I despair." - All That Remains
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago