Saturday, July 18, 2009

Mulling it Over.

Last night, I was hysterical. Tears kept coming everytime the word or thought entered my mind, no matter how hard I tried to stop it.
For a minute, I felt like giving up. Like all this past year had accomplished nothing. My eating disorder suddenly felt like something I could never truly be rid of - it left its mark on my body now, permanently and irreversibly. It has now taken more from me than ever before, more and more things that I can never get back. It shattered me honestly, hearing that news last night. I felt like saying "What is the point of all of this then? I will never escape anorexia. I give up."
Then rationality started coming back to me.
About ten months ago I had stress fractures in my feet from obsessive running. It took about a solid month for me to be able to even walk without pain. A month or so after the pain went away, I aggravated those fractures by walking around the house too much. That time, it took two weeks for the pain to go away.
I can run 3 miles at the gym now - pain free, no fracturing, nothing.
Obviously, whatever is wrong with me IS getting better. My bones have gotten stronger than they were a year ago. Sure, they aren't perfect. But they are in the process of getting better. The osteoporosis is probably only in my hip region. It is treatable, and given my age, possibly almost reversisble.

I didn't give up. I ate a full dinner with a dessert, and a snack before bed just as always. Anorexia has given me its consequences. I will not faulter and I will not be distracted by this upset.
My life can and will still belong to me.

I'm getting an appointment on Monday with a bone specialist so I can get started on some sort of treatment to help restore my bones faster.

"Fear not for consequences, fear not at all. My focus shall not fail, I shall not fall and nor shall I despair." - All That Remains


  1. Chin up love, chin up. First off i havent been able to see a dr in about 8 months so God knows whats going on there. But speaking of God i know that he will take care of me, and you know what? If he cares about a screw up like me then i know your going to be well taken care of. I can recommend getting sometime outside in the sun and maybe do a little reading/painting/picnicing with D? A little vitamin D therepy if you know what i mean. Also, i googled the best foods to help with calcium and its absorbtion and all that and im not even gonna tell you that your menus are packed full of them so you have nothing to worry about. Its gonna be awesome for you and you know that your stronger than anything else i know (and that includes your bones).
    Also... i am hard core vegan now! *gulp* you dont happen to have any vegan friendly staple recipes do you?

  2. Never give up and never lose hope. I always find that after a period of doing really well my ED strikes back pretty hard and tries to pull me down, so maybe since you've been doing quite well this past week thats what came over you last night?
    You will escape from its clutches one day, its a long hard old process but look how far you have come in a year, its remarkable and every new day that comes is another day closer to you being free and healthy.

    I agree with Clay, your diet seems to be quite good with calcium so hopefully you wont have to many problems there. All the best for your appointmeny anyhow.
    And well dont for carrying on with your snacks and meals even while struggling with those thoughts, I know it cant have been easy.

    Have a great night,

  3. I just went back and read the edit at the end of your last post. I am sorry you had that news - last year when I had a DEXA I had mid-range osteopenia, so there's a good chance I have osteoporosis now too after another year with no period. There are other bloggers around who have been diagnosed with it as well, you're not alone, and there is evidence that it can be reversed in young people. I'm certainly not giving up - I'm taking calcium and vitamin D supplements and trying to get in some weight bearing exercise every day. Weight restoration goes a long way towards repairing the worst of the damage. Now is not the time to let the anorexia make you feel hopeless <3 it's such a sneaky disease, it tries to make you think that any bad news or upset is a good reason to give up but it's just not true, you can got on top of this and live a full, happy life. We all believe in you :)
    Katie x

  4. You're absolutely right: "My life can and will still belong to me." It's been unimaginably hard for you, then and now, but just your ability to process this news as you are is an amazing feat of your character. Another bump in the road just means another thing to overcome and show your triumph :)

  5. You are doing so well. You know what you have to do, keep this all up. Realise how far you've come already and how much an improvement you've already made. I love you if you need anything at all please email ^^ xoxoxo

  6. Tori,
    You are simply one of the most amazing indivuals I have been blessed to "meet." I know that the news was, to say the least, devastating and of course it left you feeling helpless and hopeless. In those moments where we feel that all he been lost and nothing can ever be won, we really truly reflect upon what types of people we are because there comes that moment where we can decide to find the silver lining and the hope or we can continue to wallow in despair and frustration. You, undoubtedly, showed to yourself and to all of us that you are a fighter. You are someone who will not be kicked when you are down. You picked yourself up, brushed off your shoulders, and knew that things were going to be okay. So yes there is some damage that was caused by years of not being all that nice to your body but things are changing and more importantly you are changing. You recognize what needs to happen in order to treat your body with love and respect and in order to live a life that is worth living.

    I'm so proud of you for tkaing things into your hands and rationalizing that things certainly have the chance of getting better. Fingers crossed that the treatment can help to reverse some of the problems.

    Big hugs babydoll! Go spend a fun day with the boy and treat yourself to some ice cream and a smile! :)


  7. Hi Tori,

    I was diagnosed with osteoporosis when I was 19 after being anorexic for almost four years. I had a bone density scan again the following two years, and both confirmed the diagnosis. Four years after my initial osteoporosis diagnosis, I began my recovery ...and last year, at age 29, I was told that I have the bones of a healthy, athletic thirteen year old :-) Moral of the story - it's reversible...but only if (1) you get to a healthy weight (i.e., your body's set point, whatever that may be), and (2) you make sure you eat lots of calcium (especially during these next few years - at your age, your body can still build bone).

    If anything, perhaps you can use this news as another motivator to get better :-)


  8. Just remember how far you've come! There's no way that you would have come this far and NOT be able to fully recover. Of course you will always have your past, but ED does not have to be a continuing issue!

    Your bone issues will most likely subside when you are completely healthy... make that part of your motivation to be fully rid of ED and have a healthy body!

    You are wonderful, young, and beautiful! Stay positive! (:

  9. You are such an inspiration to everybody and by far one of the strongest people I have ever come across.
    You're such an amazing person.
    xx Katie

  10. Some anecdotal evidence for you - Cammy at Building Beauty Beyond Body wrote this post a couple of months ago:
    She and some of her commenters have seen their bone density increase with weight restoration and time :)

  11. Tori, you have come too far and gone through too much pain to give up now. I am so sorry for your heartbreaking news, but use it as motivation to beat this illness once and for all - don't let it take away anything else from you. As you said, you have age on your side and its very likely that much of the damage can be repaired if you keep going with recovery. You know your strong enough to do it. Your courage will get you through this my love. I'm so proud of you for sticking to your meal plan <3

  12. you can beat this tori, dont let the ED tell you its all too late. you are turning around your life right now and taking care of what needs to be taken care off. i know you're a fighter.

  13. Please don't let this get you down ~ you've come so far and achieved too much for this to set you back. Osteoparosis isn't always as severely degenerative in young people as it is in older sufferers, and if anything the diagnosis should be another incentive to keep fighting!

    I have osteopoenia in my spine from my own ED experience and both the bone specialist and my physiotherapist said that the best thing I could do to help improve my condition was to maintain a healthy BMI (if I'd been a smoker the second best thing would have been to stop).

    That quote is so inspiring and appropriate: with your inner strength, I know you won't faulter and will get through this difficult time.


  14. Powerful post, Tori! It's strange how I also suddenly am gripped by fear that I shall never ever escape anorexia. I've been in that state for so long, it feels weird that I am truly and permanently free, and all of a sudden I am gripped with panic that it is just an illusion, and ironically, give up and fall BACK into ED. I'm so glad logic has taken over, and you know for sure and certain that yes, you ARE free from ED, and dwell on all the positive things you've earned from recovery.

  15. Oh Tori I'm so sorry about the news - I'm awaiting bone scan results at the moment and my last one two years ago said I have osteopenia.. I have every faith in you and I know that you will continue to nourish all parts of your body - inc. those bones! Calcium ahoy for both of us, eh? I love you like Homer Simpson loves donuts, xxxxxx

  16. Tori!

    I have been having urges to restrict lately. It's awful. But we have to keep going! Your body will thank you for it! And it sounds like your body is already bouncing back wonderfully! You are young, and that is SUCH a blessing with this illness. You WILL run again, you ARE running again, and that's great. Your bones WILL strengthen with time and a lot of TLC! SO keep on snackin, lady!


  17. Tori, I know just how you feel. Everything can be going just fine and dandy and I'll feel like I'm on top of the world, and then ED just has to come up and knock me down. It's annoying and very random - I don't TRY to revert to ED thoughts, they just come. When they do, it can be difficult to overcome them and push foward, that much I know. But girl, you've come SO FAR and I also know that you CAN defeat this.

    I suffered from plantar fasciitis for about a month from overtraining. Our bodies need respect and rest.

  18. So sorry about the news Tori. When I had my last DEXA scan a year ago I had osteopenia and I'm still a bit worried about it. But I look up to you more that you know, and I am positive that you have the strength to keep fighting . You've already taken such huge steps in getting rid of the mental side of your ED, now you just have to keep nourishing your body so all the physical signs disappear too.

    Much love!

  19. hi girl!
    im so sorry about the news that you received yesterday-- i am sure that hearing that was just awful. i think that you have LOTS of positive 'light' to be looking at in this situation however-- this IS reversible AND you ARE taking the strides that you need to get better-- i have 100% confidence you will be able to reverse this girl! just focus on what you need to do to get better and you will get there!!!!!!!! you got this!


  20. don't give up tori. you've gone this far, so really, there's no point in turning back now. if you walked to the grocery store and then decided to turn back when you were two minutes away because you had a blister on your heel, you wouldn't get the reward of a jar of WCW pb, all for the pain of a blister. ok bad analogy and that doesn't make sense at all, sorry!! what i'm trying to say is, you're almost there tori. read back on your posts and you'll see just how much progress you've made in the past year, let alone these past few weeks since you met your boy. you're young, you're getting help in every area that you need it, and you're respecting your body. you didn't respect your body for many years and the results are showing up now, but you're respecting your body now, and that's what is important, because a few years from now, or maybe even sooner, you'll see the results and everything will be worth it. so don't give up. besides, we're all here behind you. if you fall back, we'll just push you back up on your feet so you can keep going :)
    take care,