So, I fractured a bone in my pinky toe this morning.
Bloody fucking perfect.
I don't deal well with feeling like I am crippled. Limping around the house and yelping every time my foot hits the floor just so is NOT my idea of fun.
I do not like this. Not at all.
It really doesn't hurt that badly to be honest - but its a big fat screaming reminder that I am physically compromised. Someone with healthier bones probably wouldn't be in as much pain. Of course, I can't be sure of that. I did drop a full weighted stainless steel frying pan on my poor little baby toe. I keep trying to tell myself that it would have hurt someone with healthy bones just as much. I'm sure of that. But I can't help but blame myself for all of this. If I wasn't so clumsy, if I hadn't kept myself at such a terribly low weight for so many many months, years, maybe. I don't know.
I hate being injured. It makes me feel so stupid and helpless. I do not like this feeling at all. I fight so hard to be strong and independent and now I can't even cross the kitchen floor for a glass of water.
I know its totally silly to get this upset over such a small injury. Its just so incredibly frustrating to feel this useless and helpless now. And I am terrfied that due to my osteoporosis, it will not heal properly or in due time. That I will be feeling this pain for weeks on end and I will grow more and more fed up with it and fall apart out of fear.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago