Friday, July 24, 2009

Recap.

I spent Wednesday in New York City, with the boy of course.
I have never been there before.

It was amazing and I think I just fell in love with the place. We went to the Museum of Modern Art. LOVED it. I don't think we walked around the whole place, but what I saw was incredible. And oh-em-gee. I did really well with eating. I was a bit disappointed though. I entirely forgot that in NY, resturaunts are mandated to post the caloric content of everything. I was all looking forward to not even thinking about calories, and there they were, posted everywhere. :\
It was OK though - it did prevent me from over-estimating what I was eating. I was really proud of myself actually - I ate what I wanted anyways. Even had a strawberry-short cake ice cream bar in Central Park.
The most amazing thing though: I recognized hunger cues. For the first time in I don't know how long. I felt hungry, knew I needed to eat more and I did! Honestly - I had to come home and make a ginormous snack since me and D split a sandwich for dinner (for the record - I could have eaten the whole damn thing plus a dessert, I was starving! But food was expensive and D refused to let me pay, so i suggested we split something since I felt a little guilty)But just the fact that I ate three meals and came home and ate again because I knew I needed to is huuuge. I'm really, really proud of myself for that.

I have been feeling a bit scared lately. I find myself not wanting to care about the calories any more, not really thinking about grams of fat and all that other formerly-obsessive stuff. It just doesn't plague my mind anymore. And while I know that is absolutely wonderful, its a bit frightening to think that the life I used to know is slowly becoming something new. Its weird to think that hey - you ate that sandwich yesterday and that ice cream and didn't even wonder about how many grams of fat or protein were in them. I don't even know how many calories or grams of this or that were in my breakfast this morning, and I don't know what I'm going to have for lunch exactly - I'll be raiding the fridge to see what needs using up.
This is liberation. I have no idea where it came from, and I won't ask. It feels amazing, new and intimidating - but amazing nonetheless. I've heard that this sort of thing happens upon reaching your body's "happy place" - the obsessive and consuming thoughts just start to fall away. I hope that's true. I admit a small part of me fears that this lack of thinking or obsessing about food is the first step towards relapse. But I do keep a general idea of how much I've eaten versus what I know I usually have in a day from when I was planning and I can tell when I haven't eaten enough. I don't think that sounds or feels like anorexia stepping back into my mind. I hope its not. I hope its just me making one more step forward in recovery, and getting one hurdle closer to being free again.

I hope everyone's having a great Friday! Remember, all things are possible as long as you don't let go. I never on my life thought I would have been able to get this far on my own - if at all. I honestly did not expect to see my 20th birthday last fall. And here I am, approaching the 21st. But I have done this, and I've done it for real this time. I've maintained a pretty healthy weight since late April (longest span of time ever for me). I've noticed a lot of girls in blog-land seeming like they are slipping back, or struggling over all. I understand this to a certain extent, but honestly even on my worst days, I still force myself to eat what I need. Even when the ED used to scream in my head that I was getting too big or that I was too close to X pounds - I kept going. That doesn't happen much anymore, but on the rare occasion that it does, I do not let it stop me. You can be damn sure I still eat three meals and 2-3 snacks every day. Because I know in my heart that one day of restriction will lead to another. And I also know now that the events and circumstances of my life should not dictate how I treat and nourish my body. Ultimately - it is YOUR choice whether you eat or not. No one makes you restrict, you choose to let the stress or sadness you feel be manipuluated by anorexia. And yeah, I'm sure you probably think that's easy for me to say given where I am now. But I've struggled a lot, with more than what I have revealed on this blog. I'm not looking for pity on those things - they are part of life. People die. We get disappointed with the way our lives our going. It is part of recovery - learning to deal with life and not take it out on yourself anymore.

14 comments:

  1. love the museum of modern art, my favorite museum! your day sounds amazing, strawberry shortcake good humor pops were my favorite as a child they are so yummy! and D sounds like a perfect guy.
    i am incredibly proud of you Tori, you have made enormous progress throughout these past months... i couldnt stop smiling while reading this post. it is so great that you are starting to be able to eat more intuitively that is a sign that you are definitely on your way to being recovered :) and it sounds so liberating not to have to worry constantly about fat grams, protein, sodium or what not...i hope one day i can be where you are...you are an inspiration to me and i know to many many other girls out there. xxoo

    love you loads
    eliza

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  2. This is such a beautiful post full of such amazing achievements. I hope everyone can take your words of wisdom - more than any therapist, you know what you are talking about.

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  3. This was such a moving post. And I can guarantee you that your desire to throw calories and grams of fat/protein out the window is a sign of recovery...NOT relapse. I'm so proud of you Tor. SOOOOOO proud!!!

    <3

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  4. tori you are wonderful with every word you said here. i can only agree with everything you have said. and the truth is if we dont walk down the road of recovery we die. sooner or later. as harsh and horrible as it sounds but we will. at some point our bodies will give up.
    i am so happy to see you and me go down the road of recovery together. of course its a hard walk and loads of challenges lie ahead but we still keep focused even when we are in times of doubts. most importantly is that you find other things in your life that replace the part that the ED has been occuping. and the best thing to do that is how you did by going to new york with your boy.
    i am proud that you are wanting to break free from all these obsessions and i can totally relate to the amazing feeling you get when you have broken them. i sleep better, i live better and i think better since i stopped obsessing about everything that i eat. and i know its so worth making this choice.
    you're doing wonderful tori
    xxx
    have a beautiful weekend and enjoy YOURSELF! (i'm sure you know now how to do that ;) )

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  5. Tori, you have no idea how happy it makes me to read this post! It's full of so many wonderful things.. for one, I'm glad you had a fun time in NYC yesterday. I've never been, but it sounds like you had a magical day!

    Also, it's so amazing that you don't want to count calories/grams of anything anymore. I stopped counting a couple months ago and it's so liberating! I know it's kind of scary to trust yourself so much, but I am positive that this is not a sign of a relapse. It's more like a sign that you're stronger that you've ever been in your life, and realize that you don't want to be held down anymore by your ED obsessions.

    Keep going strong, much love!

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  6. Your posts are just sounding so wonderful and bright now it really is lovely to read.
    Ive heard to that the obsessing over food etc starts to ease off when you reach that happy point and I dont think not counting your grams of carbs etc is a sign of relapse, rather a sign of progress. You know yourself how much to be eating etc so you are a good judge. Im glad your starting to ease up now and feel that sense of freedom with food and enjoy it as it should be enjoyed, not stressed over.

    This all sounds like your moving into a really exciting new chapter of your life, I hope it continues for you and just gets better and better.
    xox

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  7. It is so great to hear how far you are coming and how proud you are! I think what you are describing is truly a breakthrough rather than a breakdown back into anorexia. Hunger cues, freedom from strict calorie counting... this kind of intuitive, liberated approach is what many people strive for, and you are finding it :)

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  8. I totally agree Tori. I feel like sometimes people think that the way I approach recovery means that I am different to other people with eating disorders, because I don't restrict on bad days, I always force myself to look at things logically, I keep on insisting that anorexia is an illness and the thoughts it produces are symptoms. But it's just because I know what you know - recovery can't be provisional on whether I've had a good or bad day, because a little slip up can easily turn into a six month long, life threatening relapse, and I am determined to never let that happen again. I really admire your attitude :) and well done for coping so well with eating in New York!!

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  9. Oh where oh where do I begin? I dont even think there are real words that could describe what I feel right now. The pride I have for you. The happiness that is beaming out of every part of my body for you. The faith and hope I am feeling. And all the amazing things that you deserve and are finally coming together for you. I'm going to attempt to explain everything I want to say to you in numbers haha Weird but helpful!

    1. OMG NYC is incredible and full of amazing culture, interesting people, and beautiful architecture! I'm so glad you and the boy had fun together!

    2. HUNGER CUES! Holy crap that must have been the most incredible thing every to finally feel! Feeling hungry and eating what you wanted! I cannot even imagine what that must have felt like for you after so many years of rules and rules oh and more rules. You are finally able to listen to your body and follow through with what it is telling you. Tori you should commend yourself for your incredible responsibility you've shown in keeping up with your calories and making sure that your amazing body is getting what it needs. You only have one and you need to keep it as happy as possible otherwise those fun days in the park aren't as doable.

    3. Liberation is that one thing that will change your life forever. I;m sure that it feels so weird to have your whole way of life start to change but just think about how much BETTER this new way of life is. NO more sitting at a table and running numbers through your head instead of truly listening to what the person across from you is saying. No more adding things up over and over again to just make sure. No more unimportant and worthless time spent on the things that really just dont matter. As you said, this new feeling of liberation is AMAZING! Instead of knowing what you are waking up to, you can just hop on out of bed, look in the fridge and say "hmm what does my tummy feel like?" SIMPLY AMAZING!

    4. And your right, this is supposed to happen when you reach that happy place. What it means is that the part of your brain that had been tweaked physiologically during the period of time of being underweight has returned to normality. It means that the switch has flipped in the positive direction rather than being flipped on the negative side. So yes, this is one more step in the direction towards recovery.

    5. Damn right you have done this for real this time. LIfe is changed. It's better. It's amazing. It's liberated. Its FREE. If you can do it, ANYONE can do it. Yes, shit happens in life and yes sometimes things seem tough but its about pushing through. Its about realizing that there is only one person that can make things happen and that person is each and every one of us. Determination and dedication and WANTING to change your life comes from within and you Tori, possess that. I admire with you every ounce of my body. You are simply an incredible human being with a mind, spirit, and heart so much greater than you will ever know

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  10. I wish I could express how big a inspiration you are to me.
    You were so sick and now your conquering your fears and its just inspirational! haha! have you ever considered writing a book? because I'd SO read it!
    xx

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  11. im so proud of u for coming home and having somthing else, its a realy good step and its amazing :D
    you and this boy seem so great together and its defently helping u reach some new goals

    love love
    xxx

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  12. i understand where you're coming from re: not wanting to care about calories and grams of fat, protein, etc. I think it's fantastic though. Not fantastic about you feeling scared, of course not, but fantastic that you don't really want to care anymore, and it's only ED making you 'want' to care anyways. so this just shows you that the real you is starting to come out... a definite cause for celebration :)
    i'm so glad to hear that things are finally starting to look up for you after so long :)
    take care,
    jee

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  13. im just so proud of you. im speechless :) xoxox

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