Thursday, July 16, 2009

Slippage.

Wow! Alright I was NOT expecting that many resposes to the last post haha. I will be doing my raffle draw tomorrow though and will update with the winners.

I'm sorry for not posting in the past few days, a lot has been going on. I've spent nearly entire days with D. Yours truly not only tried on her old bikini but wore it. Twice. In public. I have not worn aforementioned bikini since 2006. Soo much fun though. I met some of D's friends, we went to a swimming hole out in the woods. That was a blast. The water was absolutely freezing but jumping in felt soo good. Totally loved that. I did slip on a rock and bashed my knee pretty good, but it's alright now. I have also had to eat out a lot. And I fear my calories may have slipped because of it. Despite the boy's assurance that hey - its pretty cool that I'm a girl who can eat - I do have a tendency to feel a wee bit self conscious. There have been several nights this week that ended with me coming home around midnight and raiding the fridge for Ben and Jerrys and almonds. I've eaten a lot of "fear foods" too (Kraft Mac n Cheese, and diner milkshakes anyone?), and even eat some things that I didn't even count towards my daily calories (like the gummi bears I ate on the car ride up to the woods) I am immensely proud of myself for that. My fear is that because I have eaten out so many times, and I do still sort of tend to over-estimate on my calories when I'm not 100% sure, that I may have been shorting myself by 100-200 calories the past few days.
Today though. I am taking today, and the next few days to myself to get myself back on track. Its a little scary bringing the calories back up after several days being short. Even though its really not much at all, I am a bit paranoid that the 2-3 days of not eating quite enough totally shot my metabolism. (yeah right, I know.) But I know this is what I need to do for myself to prevent another relapse. D has told me repeatedly that its ok for me to eat around him. Well, I know that but knowing that I probably eat more than he does in a day kind of frightens me a little, even if what I'm eating each day is probably only going to be enough for me to maintain lately and I'll probably need to boost up to 3600+ to gain even another pound or two. :sigh: I know everyone wishes they had my metabolism but it is really hard to eat SO much at times. But I need to do what I need to do. I keep telling myself that and it seems to be helping.
Mega embarrassment yesterday though. D wanted to meet my mom. OK. So I brought him in. We're in the door for like five minutes maybe before my mom started interrogating me about what I ate. In front of the boy.
I was pissed. I understand that she is concerned. But really. In front of someone like that? I wanted to die. D knows I'm recovering from anorexia. But he has no idea how bad I used to be, mentally or physically. I haven't told him much about it - not about how I used to lie about going out to eat, or how I used to hate myself so much that I didn't feel I deserved to eat. I didn't even think I deserved to be seen at one point. I don't know if I want him to know that part of me. I am very afraid of those parts of me at the moment, terrified of it coming back full swing. I know that fear will help me stay on track. But its still very tough to cope with. At times I wish I could run away and live my life as if I was never anorexic. I know that's impossible but I keep wanting to forget. At the same time I force myself to remember how much pain and suffering I inflicted upon myself so I will make sure I keep eating enough and don't slip back. A few days cannot, and will not, break me. Not this time.

Oh. By the way, I'm officially someone's girlfriend now. How's that for something new and exciting, yes?

13 comments:

  1. This post has plastered a huge smile right across my face! I am so so happy for you Tori, and I know you are strong enough to stay on track. Keep going you amazing girl! xoxo

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  2. YAY! glad things are going so well with the boy! thats wonderful. and don't worry, 100 calorie shortage is NOT going to ruin your metabolism.

    great job for facing some of those fear foods. every post amazes me more and more. you rock!

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  3. Oh WOW! You are doing so well that I don't even know what to say! I've been going through up's and down's myself recently, but I've also really begun to "re-discover" the "old me". I have my interests back, I've made FRIENDS again, and I just might be interested in boys again. ;)

    Don't worry about 100 calories. I don't mean that in a "it doesn't matter if you lose" kind of way, I just mean that 100 calories is NOT going to make or break your day, nor will it slow your metabolism. Enjoy life to the fullest - it's too short for counting!

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  4. Yay to conquering fear foods and eating out! You're doing so incredibly well and it's such an inspiration! Wooo! It's wonderful that the boy is so supportive and helpful. I understand your fear that he'll learn about the 'old you' and maybe you're afraid he'll back away (sorry if I'm inferring). I'm sure he's seeing you for the amazing girl you've rediscovered and that, I'm sure is what he's attracted too.

    Congrats on the boy and the amazing progress! Have a fabulous day :D
    <3 Jenn

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  5. I'm so, so happy to hear all about D. He sounds wonderful. :)
    Also - I'm very sorry that your mom did that. I know she's worried about you, but sometimes backing off, or at least being considerate is better. It sounds that you are eating pretty well - even if you don't 'get enough calories' or whatnot, it sounds like you are being intuitive, which is the important thin.

    Love you!

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  6. Your progress never fails to astound me : )

    It sounds like you've been having a wonderful time getting out and living life and, despite the minor calorie shortage, that is what truly matters. There's more to recovery than weight gain (I know that's essentail but it's not the only element to tackle) and I think you're in a far better position being free and liberated at perhaps 100 calories less than stuck in a rigid regime at a couple of calories more. You're doing the right thing by getting back on track and there's no way your metabolism will have altered in the slightest. It's a healthy approach to take by finding a peaceful place with food mentally then resolving any remaining physical issues, as opposed to just gaining weight and still being stuck in the same behaviours as I was/am.

    I'm sure D didn't mind what your Mum did ~ he sounds so wonderfully kind and accepting and your mother's comments probably came from the same place. They both love you and want you to be the best person you can be.

    xoxoxoxox

    ~Jessica~

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  7. Wow, so glad you had a brilliant time!! In the end it is all totally worth it, and I bet those gummy bears were yummy :)
    Can a couple of days really do that to your metabolism?? My intake has been so random the past week or so that I'm worried now :S

    congrats on being someones other half I am so pleased to hear you are getting a real crack at life now! yay

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  8. Good for you Tori, I'm so glad you've been having fun :) and it's great that you have scheduled a few days to get back on track rather than carrying on and ignoring things. D sounds lovely, aww!
    Katie

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  9. A few days here and there won't do much damage just as long as you keep on track the rest of the time, but your smart you know that and your aware of it. I really admire your determination to stay ontop of things.

    Aww your officially someones gf, that just makes me smile so much, I can just imagine how happy and chuffed you must be to say that, its great :-), you really deserve to be happy and finally having some real enjoyment.
    xox

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  10. aw tori i understand the whole situation with your mom, similar situations happened to me several times like that too but at least D knows you're recovering and if you don't want him to know all about your past then dont tell him. you're moving on and into a whole new life and the past is yours, yes, but the future doesn't depend on it- it's whatever you make it to be. a few personal days are always needed to get back on track and into routine(i did the same thing this week and it really helps). have a lovely night and just relax, i'm so happy you met someone by the way- you deserve itxx

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  11. GIRL!!!!! i am JUST so PROUD of you that you found a guy that you like so much! and that you have made if official! how EXCITING!!not only that but your LIFE is REALLY JUST BEING LIVED!
    DO NOT SWEAT THOSE little 'extras!' those are NORMAL-- i nibble here and there throughout the day and i DO NOT count that towards my intake either! i dont even really count every calorie anyways-- i just estimate.. and even though you may have been a tad under the past few days-- you should just be SO proud of yourself about how 'relaxed' you have become with calories and all! thats SUCH an accomplishment!!

    to be honest- i think that what your mum did is uncool-- but im sure she did not realize it at the time! i would just tell her about how it bothered you-- it would definitely bother me! your mum loves u very much n she would never want to intentionally embarrass you!

    have a great night love xoxoxoxo j

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  12. WOOOHOOOOO!!! Congratulations Tor! You totally deserve this and the boy sounds incredible :)
    I'm glad you're stepping outside of the box with foods too, cute boys tend to help that along lol
    I've stopped counting as well (just general guesses to be sure it's enough) and it's very freeing, not measuring, not caring, listening to cravings, and also not worrying about what I"ll do if I'm out. Even though I also usually end up cramming it in when I get home at night because it is kind of embarrassing to eat that much in front of other people still :\
    Overall though, it's okay to fluctuate day to day, everyone does that and it all evens out in the end as long as you monitor your general health and make sure the weight stays steady. Less stress is best!
    Can't wait to hear more about D! Have a great weekend!

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  13. im so so so proud of you! and so glad you know you need to up the cals to keep the metabolism up...that is a sign of truley wanting to recover, you didnt take the opportunity to slip back and that is so inspiring!!! xxxx

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