Wow! Alright I was NOT expecting that many resposes to the last post haha. I will be doing my raffle draw tomorrow though and will update with the winners.
I'm sorry for not posting in the past few days, a lot has been going on. I've spent nearly entire days with D. Yours truly not only tried on her old bikini but wore it. Twice. In public. I have not worn aforementioned bikini since 2006. Soo much fun though. I met some of D's friends, we went to a swimming hole out in the woods. That was a blast. The water was absolutely freezing but jumping in felt soo good. Totally loved that. I did slip on a rock and bashed my knee pretty good, but it's alright now. I have also had to eat out a lot. And I fear my calories may have slipped because of it. Despite the boy's assurance that hey - its pretty cool that I'm a girl who can eat - I do have a tendency to feel a wee bit self conscious. There have been several nights this week that ended with me coming home around midnight and raiding the fridge for Ben and Jerrys and almonds. I've eaten a lot of "fear foods" too (Kraft Mac n Cheese, and diner milkshakes anyone?), and even eat some things that I didn't even count towards my daily calories (like the gummi bears I ate on the car ride up to the woods) I am immensely proud of myself for that. My fear is that because I have eaten out so many times, and I do still sort of tend to over-estimate on my calories when I'm not 100% sure, that I may have been shorting myself by 100-200 calories the past few days.
Today though. I am taking today, and the next few days to myself to get myself back on track. Its a little scary bringing the calories back up after several days being short. Even though its really not much at all, I am a bit paranoid that the 2-3 days of not eating quite enough totally shot my metabolism. (yeah right, I know.) But I know this is what I need to do for myself to prevent another relapse. D has told me repeatedly that its ok for me to eat around him. Well, I know that but knowing that I probably eat more than he does in a day kind of frightens me a little, even if what I'm eating each day is probably only going to be enough for me to maintain lately and I'll probably need to boost up to 3600+ to gain even another pound or two. :sigh: I know everyone wishes they had my metabolism but it is really hard to eat SO much at times. But I need to do what I need to do. I keep telling myself that and it seems to be helping.
Mega embarrassment yesterday though. D wanted to meet my mom. OK. So I brought him in. We're in the door for like five minutes maybe before my mom started interrogating me about what I ate. In front of the boy.
I was pissed. I understand that she is concerned. But really. In front of someone like that? I wanted to die. D knows I'm recovering from anorexia. But he has no idea how bad I used to be, mentally or physically. I haven't told him much about it - not about how I used to lie about going out to eat, or how I used to hate myself so much that I didn't feel I deserved to eat. I didn't even think I deserved to be seen at one point. I don't know if I want him to know that part of me. I am very afraid of those parts of me at the moment, terrified of it coming back full swing. I know that fear will help me stay on track. But its still very tough to cope with. At times I wish I could run away and live my life as if I was never anorexic. I know that's impossible but I keep wanting to forget. At the same time I force myself to remember how much pain and suffering I inflicted upon myself so I will make sure I keep eating enough and don't slip back. A few days cannot, and will not, break me. Not this time.
Oh. By the way, I'm officially someone's girlfriend now. How's that for something new and exciting, yes?
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago