Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Epic Postage.

Hello again all,

I really wanted to thank you guys for all the support and positive reinforcement and encouragement. You have no idea how much it means to me to have so many people who believe that I can overcome this too. I know its treatable, but I admit to being skeptical. I suppose I've been having a hard time lately with the staying positive. Not just with the osteoporosis business, but with my life in general. Its very frustrating as I'm usually not like this. ED hasn't been making an appearance per say, but the past day or two have felt endless.

I'm sure a big chunk of that can attributed to my immense lack of nicotine yesterday. Yep. Yours truly is working down to quitting. I'm not proud of this, but I was smoking about a pack a day. I've halved that amount thus far. I know I feel better physically already, but mentally I am sort of freaking out. I have a history of anxiety and panic. In high school, I would literally leave school after I had my art and english classes for the day (no, I wasn't supposed to) because I couldn't handle being there. Somewhere between then and college, I picked up smoking and the anxiety ceased. It became like a crutch. Feel anxious? Smoke a cigarette, feel better. *sigh* I'm doing OK though. I've taken to keeping only 10 cigs in a pack and smoking each one half way at a time.

Another big feat for moi: I bought JEANS. Three pairs. At the mall.
Jeans that actually FIT.
Huge deal, no? I haven't had a pair of jeans fit me since I was 15. Well, they fit when I came out of inpatient treatment of course, but you know what I mean.
Imagine me, coming out from the dressing room, looking in the mirror. Standing there. Twirling and turning and looking, trying to gauge whether or not the aforementioned jeans fit or not.
An attendant comes up to me. "Hi, how are you? Need any help? Those jeans look fabulous on you. Are you nervous about the wash or the cut? They're a new style but they look really chic."
Victoria responds "Oh no, I love the color. I'm just not sure if they fit."
"Oh? Do you like your jeans tighter usually?"
"What? Oh no. I was nervous they were too small. I haven't really owned a pair of jeans that actually fit me in a while so I'm not sure how they are supposed to look when they fit."
"Oh! No, sweetie. Those fit you perfectly. They look really great. Let me go get you a few other pairs to try on."

I don't think that woman knows what relief and comfort she gave me. I truly was at a loss as to how pants were supposed to fit. Its weird. On some level I *knew* that's what a pair of good-fitting jeans should look when worn, but I couldn't quite believe it until someone else actually said it. So I'm very grateful.
I also ended up having to spend $140 on three pairs of pants.
Oh, I hate being tall. Ok. Don't hate it. But having to spend an extra however many dollars to find longer-lengthed jeans kinda sucks sometimes. I ended up giving my debit card to my mom and asking her to take them to the checkout for me. I knew if I went up and saw how much money I spent on myself, I'd chicken out and still be pants-less. Its something I need to work on, I know.

Oh! The boy brought me flowers yesterday. Red roses. Aww, I know right? It was so cute. He took me into his work to "show me off". Hah. Like three older/elderly men came up to us throughout the day and said to him "You need to treat her good, she's a keeper. As long as you treat her good, she'll take care of you. Hold on to her." Soo funny. Its so weird though. We've literally known each other for two weeks. Yet, I like him so much and feel so good when I'm around him. I suppose its not that strange - but two weeks? I don't think I've ever felt this way around someone I've known for that short an amount of time.
I feel badly because these past few days have been hard for me. So I've really not felt all that comfortable with going out to eat and such and just felt more secure sticking to figuring out for meals at home. At the moment, I feel like I need to do that at least a few times a week until I trust myself a bit more to be able to eat enough everyday without a plan. D wanted me to eat a cookie this afternoon and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I mean, in my had, I knew it would be OK for me to eat the damn cookie. But I really didn't feel like I wanted it. I wasn't hungry and I don't really care for chocolate chip. Much prefer oatmeal raisin personally but I felt really badly. Like on some level my brain also says "You're so anorexic right now. You would have eaten the cookie if you didn't have an ED." So I never know what to do in those situations. Not hungry. Not really a necessary meal or snack time - do I eat anyways just because its offereed? I really have no clue.
On top of that, I know he worries about me. *sigh* I hate when people worry. It always makes me feel so guilty. I know I don't force them to be concerned and its their choice. But i still tend to think that people shouldn't care about me that much. Years of self-loathing will do that I suppose. I'm getting better. I know that. I wish I could get better with all these things much faster though. Some day I suppose. Some day it will all be a memory.

Anddd since I've been lacking in the photo department lately, here's this morning's breakfast:

Bircher-Muesli, cherry pie style. Made by soaking 1/2 c. oats overnight in 1/4 cup vanilla soy, very thinly sliced banana and a fage 2%. This morning added 1/4 c. dried cherries, handful almonds, and a good scoop of WCW. This was sooo good. Letting the banana slices soak in the oats overnight made it almost-melt into muesli so it got super thick and creamy, and it sweetened up the yogurt just perfectly.

And here's what I drew up for the boy the other day:

Hope everyone is enjoying their week so far. Despite the struggle I've felt the past few days, I know its a good week and that it will only get better. As long as I stick to my guns, all things can become good again. I know its really easy to fall into the trap if despondancy and despair. And sometimes, I admit, I wish I could just go back to it because, yeah, it was a hell of a lot easier than trying to constantly keep on top of myself and push forward no matter what. But in the end, its truly the only choice to chose that's worth it.


  1. I'm tall too and it does have its downfalls.
    Sometimes I hate it and sometimes I love it, although it always seems like everyone is shorter than me! haha
    5 foot 7 (my height) is a very confusing height :P

  2. you are a really great artist! glad you got some cute jeans--post some pics!

    also, roses?! this guy's a keeper :-) hang on to him, girl! i'm jealous. ED totally effed up my 2-year relationship and it sucks. *sigh* i'll find somebody someday haha. after all, i'm 21, so it's not like i'm an old maid or anything! (yet)

  3. Congrats on cutting down on smoking. Like quitting any addiction, it's obviously rough but you got it :)

    I totally feel ya on the finding jeans that fit. I guess I know what's supposed to fit but on me it's a total mystery. It almost makes me wish I got picked for one of those makeover shows so not only will they pay for a new wardrobe, but they'll help me find proper fitting clothes too :P

    And the boy sounds super sweet! I'm so glad you found such a wonderful guy, you deserve to be happy with him :). As for the cookie situation, it's all a guess and check type thing. There really is no "right" way even though our minds go to "what's the normal person's response?" first. With time it will switch from that to "what do I really want?"

    I hope you have a great night
    <3 Jenn

  4. Okay first off be SOOOO proud of yourself for quitting smoking! Its a horrible habit that Im sure you know is definitely not good for you. I know it must be hard esp since its been around for so long but I really admire you for pushing away and trying to stop the habit. Bravo darling, bravo!

    And yayyy for finding jeans that fit and look great. I know it must have been really weird to try on jeans and kind of not know what to expect/think but you did an absolutely amazing job. So much love for the sales lady, too, for helping you get through it and reminding you that sometimes its all in your head. Im sure the jeans looked amazing on you and fit the way jeans should fit...nice and snug around the booty ;) Oh and girl, if you think you have issues finding jeans try to fit someone who is 6ft+ and has a 36+ inseam. Let's talk about 250-350 a pair just to fit me. Its the worst ever! I pretty much only wear rolled up jeans haha just because otherwise I have to spend a fortune. Oh well, guess I better spend the money rather than go without pants! haha that would be quite the site to see now wouldn't it? But enough of me, Im happy that you were able to treat yourself to something you both needed and deserved.

    This boy of yours sounds like an amazing find. Not only do you have this incredible chemistry and ability to just click with one another but he really genuinely cares about your and does things just to make you happy...ie the flowers. He is so thoughtful and Im sure feels SO lucky to have someone as amazing as you around in his life. I know that you might feel badly that you cant always do all the things he might want to but you are still going through a really huge transition and Tori needs to come first. If that means saying no to going out to dinner because you want to be able to stay on top of your calorie intake then so be it. Its OK. You arent letting anyone down. Youre the only one that seems to think that so you just have to brush those feelings aside and remember thats sometimes you come first. We all worry about our loved ones so PLEASE do not feel bad when he worried for you...its simply out of care and adoration for you. It shouldnt make you feel anything other than special and loved. I mean I feel bad too when people worry about me but we just have to learn how to turn it all around and see the positive in it.

    oh and the cookie thing, I really think that its normal to say no to something when you dont feel like it. its not by any means an ED thing, I just think that you didnt want to eat it because you werent hungry plus you didnt love the type. I think people should eat things that they want when they want it. Imagine had it been an oatmeal raisin cookie and an hour later, you probably would have eaten the cookie but given that it was earlier, you werent ready for a snack because your body told you so and you werent all that fond of what was being offered, it seems perfectly rational not to accept the cookie. I think youre in the clear on this one :)

    Before this post gets to be an epic, let me just say that you are an amazing artist and thats one special drawing your boy received. That and your positive attitude is stunning on you. Keep on keeping on. :)

  5. I'm "too" short and all jeans drag on the floor ;) so I have to roll up the bottoms like a hobbit. Glad you found some you like! Jeans can last such a long time; it's a good feeling to find the right ones.

    Good luck on quitting smoking! I bet it's unimaginably hard, but I think it'll be worth it. My aunt quit cold-turkey and she just looks way healthier, and my uncle got some sort of shot that killed the cravings.

    I actually think your refusal of that one cookie was more like intuitive eating than anorexic eating. If the reason had been, "I don't want the cookie because I don't want to be fat, even though I'm hungry," then that's cause for suspicion. But if it was "I'm not hungry because I ate not long ago and I'm not a fan of this flavor cookie," that sounds your like intuition knows its favorites. :)

    Great art. I love pictures of trees for some reason.

  6. Congrats on finding jeans that fit you well! I'm sure they look fabulous on you. I honestly have no idea how jeans are supposed to look on me. I need a helpful salesperson too!

    Good luck on quitting smoking too. I know it must be so hard since it's been a habit for so long, but I'm confident that you can kick this for good.

    Glad things are going well with the boy! He sounds so sweet, you really deserve a guy like him. I bet he loved his painting!

    Enjoy your day, love!

  7. I know how much clothes that fit can mess with your head - I went and bought a swimming costume earlier! Well done for allowing yourself to buy them, that is wonderful :) I hope you enjoy wearing them. Congrats for cutting down on smoking too. I've never smoked but I have given up other addictive behaviours that I used to cope with my anxiety, so I do kind of understand. Hang in there and try not to overreact if you do start feeling anxious. I've had panic attacks for years and I am totally used to them now, I can deal with them and get rid of them in minutes. You can teach your brain to react differently to situations :)
    Your boy sounds so cute! You guys totally deserve eachother
    Katie xx

  8. You're doing so well! :)
    That's such a good pic, you have a real talent for drawing Tori. It's great that you're enjoying life and hanging out with "the boy" right now ;) It's definitely going to do you some good. And so will cutting down on smoking, although it's a stressful habit to break. Getting new jeans must have felt SO good, I love buying new clothes that fit really well. As for the cookie? I'm not sure what's "normal" to do in that situation, I don't think it's a biggie to refuse it but perhaps because of 'your history' you would assume the worst...But don't worry, there's nothing particularly bad if you just didn't feel like it! I really, really wish I could get a hold of some Vanilla soy so that I can copy that muesli recipe. Seriously, your oats are LUSH!
    Love you :)
    xo maria

  9. Lovely drawing, I wish I could draw like that, your very talented.

    Yay for jeans! They are so hard to get a pair that you like, I wouldnt feel guilty about spending the money on them, you deserve it!
    Heh your to tall for jeans, Im a shorty and always have to take my trousers/jeans to be shortened or rolled up.

    Aww roses, that is so sweet, he definately sounds like a keeper!
    I think you handled your cookie situation quite normally. As you said you didnt feel like having a cookie so then it was perfectly acceptable to not eat it. It would have been different if you actually really did want it but said no because of your ED.

    Well done with your smoking to, that is a hard habit to kick. I heard on the radio a few days ago about the fake cigarettes you can 'smoke' that generate the little puffs and stuff to try to make you feel like you are smoking, not really sure they work but anythings worth a shot!

    Have a great day,

  10. I've never been a smoker, but I know what addiction feels like and I know it can feel nearly impossible to overcome. I will say from experience that I KNOW it's possible though, and from what I've seen from you, I also know that you can break the habit. It's just another reason to stay strong. And remember, you're giving up smoking for your health and your own good - just like giving up ED.

    Aww... You have no idea how much I'd love to have a guy like that. Ever since ED came into my life I haven't even had so much as a "guy who's a friend". Well, NOW I kind of do, but I mean, I went years without anyone - even regular old "friends"! You are so lucky to have found someone who understands your situation too. When my old BFF started spreading rumors about me and my ED around school everyone just treated me really differently and didn't seem to want to be around me anymore. It's funny how sometimes the people who really need support and comfort the most are the people who most people seem to avoid.

    Anyway, have a great day girl! I'm always rooting for you!

  11. Your artwork has a very distinct style that is easilly recognized as 'yours' (from what you've shown on the blog), and is just beautiful! I think what strikes me about it is that the tree has a FEELING, an essence of sorts... It just seems alive. Keep up the wonderful creativity, you are one special person :) :) :)

  12. Hi Tori,

    I'm also a recovering anorexic. I've yet to face the fear you talk about-- jeans shopping. I just have my tiny ones in the drawer that I can't fit into anymore. I can't bare to see what size I'd fit in now... maybe one day I suppose...

    I also run a food blog (a vegetarian one) where I post pictures of my kitten, Peanut too. I hope you check it out some time!

    Take care,

  13. I don't think there's anything ED-related in not eating a cookie because you don't like that particular flavour. If anything that's 'normal' eating, eating intuitively, whatever you like to call it. Don't beat yourself up about it!

    Yay for jeans that fit : ) At least you're not a shorty like me ~ I have to pay extra to get jeans taken up (i.e have three inches of material cut off the bottom) so that I can wear them without tripping over.

    Congratulations with the progress with the smoking: it's a long, hard road towards quitting but I know in my heart you'll get there (my Dad quit so he knows what it's like ~ he's sending you supportive thoughts too!)