Hello again all,
I really wanted to thank you guys for all the support and positive reinforcement and encouragement. You have no idea how much it means to me to have so many people who believe that I can overcome this too. I know its treatable, but I admit to being skeptical. I suppose I've been having a hard time lately with the staying positive. Not just with the osteoporosis business, but with my life in general. Its very frustrating as I'm usually not like this. ED hasn't been making an appearance per say, but the past day or two have felt endless.
I'm sure a big chunk of that can attributed to my immense lack of nicotine yesterday. Yep. Yours truly is working down to quitting. I'm not proud of this, but I was smoking about a pack a day. I've halved that amount thus far. I know I feel better physically already, but mentally I am sort of freaking out. I have a history of anxiety and panic. In high school, I would literally leave school after I had my art and english classes for the day (no, I wasn't supposed to) because I couldn't handle being there. Somewhere between then and college, I picked up smoking and the anxiety ceased. It became like a crutch. Feel anxious? Smoke a cigarette, feel better. *sigh* I'm doing OK though. I've taken to keeping only 10 cigs in a pack and smoking each one half way at a time.
Another big feat for moi: I bought JEANS. Three pairs. At the mall.
Jeans that actually FIT.
Huge deal, no? I haven't had a pair of jeans fit me since I was 15. Well, they fit when I came out of inpatient treatment of course, but you know what I mean.
Imagine me, coming out from the dressing room, looking in the mirror. Standing there. Twirling and turning and looking, trying to gauge whether or not the aforementioned jeans fit or not.
An attendant comes up to me. "Hi, how are you? Need any help? Those jeans look fabulous on you. Are you nervous about the wash or the cut? They're a new style but they look really chic."
Victoria responds "Oh no, I love the color. I'm just not sure if they fit."
"Oh? Do you like your jeans tighter usually?"
"What? Oh no. I was nervous they were too small. I haven't really owned a pair of jeans that actually fit me in a while so I'm not sure how they are supposed to look when they fit."
"Oh! No, sweetie. Those fit you perfectly. They look really great. Let me go get you a few other pairs to try on."
I don't think that woman knows what relief and comfort she gave me. I truly was at a loss as to how pants were supposed to fit. Its weird. On some level I *knew* that's what a pair of good-fitting jeans should look when worn, but I couldn't quite believe it until someone else actually said it. So I'm very grateful.
I also ended up having to spend $140 on three pairs of pants.
Oh, I hate being tall. Ok. Don't hate it. But having to spend an extra however many dollars to find longer-lengthed jeans kinda sucks sometimes. I ended up giving my debit card to my mom and asking her to take them to the checkout for me. I knew if I went up and saw how much money I spent on myself, I'd chicken out and still be pants-less. Its something I need to work on, I know.
Oh! The boy brought me flowers yesterday. Red roses. Aww, I know right? It was so cute. He took me into his work to "show me off". Hah. Like three older/elderly men came up to us throughout the day and said to him "You need to treat her good, she's a keeper. As long as you treat her good, she'll take care of you. Hold on to her." Soo funny. Its so weird though. We've literally known each other for two weeks. Yet, I like him so much and feel so good when I'm around him. I suppose its not that strange - but two weeks? I don't think I've ever felt this way around someone I've known for that short an amount of time.
I feel badly because these past few days have been hard for me. So I've really not felt all that comfortable with going out to eat and such and just felt more secure sticking to figuring out for meals at home. At the moment, I feel like I need to do that at least a few times a week until I trust myself a bit more to be able to eat enough everyday without a plan. D wanted me to eat a cookie this afternoon and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I mean, in my had, I knew it would be OK for me to eat the damn cookie. But I really didn't feel like I wanted it. I wasn't hungry and I don't really care for chocolate chip. Much prefer oatmeal raisin personally but I felt really badly. Like on some level my brain also says "You're so anorexic right now. You would have eaten the cookie if you didn't have an ED." So I never know what to do in those situations. Not hungry. Not really a necessary meal or snack time - do I eat anyways just because its offereed? I really have no clue.
On top of that, I know he worries about me. *sigh* I hate when people worry. It always makes me feel so guilty. I know I don't force them to be concerned and its their choice. But i still tend to think that people shouldn't care about me that much. Years of self-loathing will do that I suppose. I'm getting better. I know that. I wish I could get better with all these things much faster though. Some day I suppose. Some day it will all be a memory.
Anddd since I've been lacking in the photo department lately, here's this morning's breakfast:
Bircher-Muesli, cherry pie style. Made by soaking 1/2 c. oats overnight in 1/4 cup vanilla soy, very thinly sliced banana and a fage 2%. This morning added 1/4 c. dried cherries, handful almonds, and a good scoop of WCW. This was sooo good. Letting the banana slices soak in the oats overnight made it almost-melt into muesli so it got super thick and creamy, and it sweetened up the yogurt just perfectly.
And here's what I drew up for the boy the other day:
Hope everyone is enjoying their week so far. Despite the struggle I've felt the past few days, I know its a good week and that it will only get better. As long as I stick to my guns, all things can become good again. I know its really easy to fall into the trap if despondancy and despair. And sometimes, I admit, I wish I could just go back to it because, yeah, it was a hell of a lot easier than trying to constantly keep on top of myself and push forward no matter what. But in the end, its truly the only choice to chose that's worth it.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago