Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Apologies.

I apologize to anyone I may have worried yesterday. I suppose I just get frustrated sometimes because I feel like I've come so far and still can't quite seem to be able to trust myself, to feel good about myself. BUt everyone has bad days, eating disordered or not. I know it was just the stress of so many things that caused me to feel like saying "Fuck this." about everything.

Even if I tried, I don't think I could give up keeping track of what I eat. Its a habit far too ingrained in my mind, and I think on some level, for the rest of my life, I will always know how much I am eating. I think the best I can do for right now is to not care if I eat an extra 200 calories one day, or am short by fifty the next. Which I can say, has happened. I've definitely had a few days where I went over on calories (most of my friends are 21 already and everyone always seems to have a bottle of rum or a few bottles of beer lying around) and ED was definitely giving me crap for it. And I really just don't want to think about that anymore. It doesn't matter. Honestly, I took a good look in the mirror and I realized that whatever anorexia keeps trying to make me see, really isn't there. While its almost frightening to have that kind of realization - that I still don't always have the best perception of myself - I know it to be true. I still imagine things. I still transform negative or overwhelming emotions into something they aren't even related to. But as many of you said, at least I am aware of it.

By no means am I relapsing. I am just giving up my rigidity. I am letting go of that fear of taking in more than I need. Because I know in my heart, when you are a recovering anorexic, what we may believe to be too much, isn't always enough. I'm tired of worrying about the silly little things. They are insignificant, and truly, at the end of the week, it makes no difference if I had an extra 200 calories on a Saturday night. Anorexia will not make me feel guilty for being social.

I really want to thank everyone, especially the anonymous posters who gave me a solid reality check. Don't be afraid to say what you feel though - I will never get angry or offended by anything anyone has to say. I know you guys just want to help and don't want to see me lose any of the progress I've made.

6 comments:

  1. You're right. Who cares if a bit of alcohol pushes over what anorexia wants us to believe is our "calorie limit". OK, so your maintenance is X number of calories. It won't hurt to go over that occasionally. Or a bit under. It is NORMAL for that to happen, and it's good you realise this :) xxxx

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  2. Good on you for nailing another nail into ED. Keep him pinned down and suffocated so he can't breathe!

    You always give me a reality check tory, I read your posts and stuff and I am able to think "she is so right" and little bit by little bit can incorporate things to help me.

    xooooooxxooxxoxo

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  3. I love reading your blog, you're always so honest about you, about life. It's so inspiring!

    Like Majella, you gave me a reality check. Thanks!

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  4. I am sorry I missed your last post. I am really happy that you are challenging Ed and realizing that it is okay to go a little over your daily calorie allotment. Keep fighting girl, stay strong

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  5. Tori,
    First let me begin by saying I am SO sorry I missed yesterday's post! I feel so awful that I wasnt there to lend some encouraging words in a time of desparity.

    Jumping back to yesterday, I can definitely relate to you in regards to the stress factor and having it be a huge effect on your self image and all of that. I know that often when Im feeling so overwhelmed by things, I end up seeing myself less clearly than I may have a few days before. It's the must frustrating complex but it's something that we need to recognize in the moment and be able to rationalize. As you said, the feelings that you were experiencing were probably caused by an abundance of stress and emotion rather than the actual truth of those feelings.

    Know that I am right there with you. I want to feel happy again. I want this damned depression to end. I want to stop worrying about having to fit xxxx calories in because if I dont, Ill drop in a damn second. I think that you and I can relate a lot on this subject because I know that the second I stop tallying, BAM I'm down x pounds. It's awful! Yes I can eat what I want but I have to make sure that what I want is enough and if it's not well up up up we go! I want to say "fuck it" and never think about it for another minute but at the moment I cant. I have to keep moving upward otherwise I will lose and that would be bad. But you, you I think are in a different place. You are in the maintaing period and I think that if you listen closely enough to your body and follow eating the foods that you know are high in calories and will generally add up to your needs, you will be fine. My N said something really important to me the other day and she reminded me that when your body requires a great amount to fuel it, it is all about learning how to keep up with that amount and always be able to supply it. Its such a learning process and with every little bump in the road or loss here or there, we learn how to correct it and change it from happening again.

    As you said it, a life with Ed isn't one worth living. I think that you are incredible and I know that you want to be free from the past that was your life for was so many years. You are coming into a new era of your life and there will be challenges but there will be such amazing highs that you won't even know what hit you. ED will cease. Recovery IS 100% possible and I have all faith that you will achieve that. Just keep reminding yourself that you are close to attaining it and with continual practice, you will get there.

    I knew yesterday was just a bad moment. A feeling of confusion and anger and resentment. But I had no doubts that you would jump back and say "fuck you ED, You will NEVER win with me again"

    Im proud of you and think the world of you!
    xoxo

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  6. You certainly don't have to apologies on your on blog!!
    Of course I know that damn "fuck it" feeling too well... It just leads to overeating on my side and not under... I wish! (Sorry, a little inappropriate!)
    As you wrote it, it is such a big step to be aware of all those things!! And again I have to say, I really look up to you!! And I'm alwasy looking forward in reading a new post of yours!! You are so inspireing with all your honesty! Love you (didn't think I'd write this on a blog!!)!

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