I apologize to anyone I may have worried yesterday. I suppose I just get frustrated sometimes because I feel like I've come so far and still can't quite seem to be able to trust myself, to feel good about myself. BUt everyone has bad days, eating disordered or not. I know it was just the stress of so many things that caused me to feel like saying "Fuck this." about everything.
Even if I tried, I don't think I could give up keeping track of what I eat. Its a habit far too ingrained in my mind, and I think on some level, for the rest of my life, I will always know how much I am eating. I think the best I can do for right now is to not care if I eat an extra 200 calories one day, or am short by fifty the next. Which I can say, has happened. I've definitely had a few days where I went over on calories (most of my friends are 21 already and everyone always seems to have a bottle of rum or a few bottles of beer lying around) and ED was definitely giving me crap for it. And I really just don't want to think about that anymore. It doesn't matter. Honestly, I took a good look in the mirror and I realized that whatever anorexia keeps trying to make me see, really isn't there. While its almost frightening to have that kind of realization - that I still don't always have the best perception of myself - I know it to be true. I still imagine things. I still transform negative or overwhelming emotions into something they aren't even related to. But as many of you said, at least I am aware of it.
By no means am I relapsing. I am just giving up my rigidity. I am letting go of that fear of taking in more than I need. Because I know in my heart, when you are a recovering anorexic, what we may believe to be too much, isn't always enough. I'm tired of worrying about the silly little things. They are insignificant, and truly, at the end of the week, it makes no difference if I had an extra 200 calories on a Saturday night. Anorexia will not make me feel guilty for being social.
I really want to thank everyone, especially the anonymous posters who gave me a solid reality check. Don't be afraid to say what you feel though - I will never get angry or offended by anything anyone has to say. I know you guys just want to help and don't want to see me lose any of the progress I've made.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago