Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Blergh.

You know, its funny how one small incident can show you just how far you've come, but still how far you've got to go.
Yesterday, the boy and I went for a hike up Sleeping Giant and we had planned on picnicking.
Sounds lovely, yes?
I thought so too.
So, we did our hiking up, and back down. It was almost 2:30PM before I got around to eating my lunch.
I went 5 hours without food, expending a great deal of energy. I didn't even feel a twinge of hunger.
This frightened me so, so much. I knew I should have felt hungry. Most likely, I was too busy pushing myself physically to even notice. It caused me a bit of panic, realizing that I still don't have that ability to always known when I'm hungry or should eat. And it frightened me to know I should eat, despite not feeling the least bit of hunger. But I know myself, and I know what I need to do to stay on track. So I ate anyways. My massive wrap and a dark chocolate bar (because I didn't think fruit &PB would travel well) were consumed in entirety.
Now here come's the day's kicker.
D didn't eat. At all. Said he ate before we left (at 11AM mind you!)
So I sat there, eating. And he basically watched me. And then said "For someone who isn't hungry, you sure can eat a lot."
!!!!
Usually, anorexia would have had me die right there, on the spot, with shame and embarrassment. However, Victoria stayed in control. Calmly, but ever-so-deftly said "Just because I can go days without eating or ever feeling hungry doens't mean its something I should do. I know what I need to eat to stay healthy and whether I feel like it or not, I've got to eat. For me, its a responsibility. You might not understand, but then again,I really don't need you too."

I'm not sure what kind of look I must have had on my face, but by the time I finished the sentence, D was apologizing and realized what he said was massively inappropriate. I suppose a big thing is that he's never actually seen me eat a meal that I knew had enough calories. I usually bulk up other meals when I know I'll be eating out with him, due to my own self-consciousness. :sigh: Its funny because he tells me ALL the time that I "shouldn't feel self-conscious and thinks its pretty awesome that you're a girl who can eat." And yet, he sees me eat what is enough for me, and almost seems shocked. Meh. What can ya do? I admit to still feeling slightly put off by it, especially in conjunction with him sitting there not eating a bite. But, it is what it is. I will keep doing what I need to do for me.


Shredded wheat, granola, vanilla soy milk, coocnut flakes, almonds, banana, dried cherries,creamy and WCW PB (yum!)

Oh what strenuous things I do to take care of me ^.^
No shame, no shame. And no guilt either.
I believe somewhere inside, I am figuring out that this is how to live. Enjoy what you can and do what you must to better yourself, and if anyone has anything to say about it - tough noogies.

18 comments:

  1. I had a VERY similar situation the other day with my sister and her boyfriend. My sister ate a yogurt in the morning, and then we spent the ENTIRE day at the beach. Meanwhile I ate my lunch, and my afternoon snack, but neither her nor her boyfriend even MENTIONED being hungry. While I was having my snack her BF simply said "didn't you JUST eat lunch?!". I didn't know what to say. He knows that I suffer from an ED but they just don't understand. So I just smiled and said "Yeah...but I'm still hungry!!" and the conversation shifted quite casually.

    I'm glad you didn't let his comment get to you, and you were able to voice how you felt. And seeing as he was apologizing so genuinely shows that he didn't mean to make such a hurtful comment.

    Stay strong!! <3

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  2. There can DEFINITELY be no shame in that bowl of goodness! Nor in anything you eat! (: Good for you for stickin to what you knew was right! Especially being around someone else and that someone else ISN'T eating, that makes it super hard! I admire ya!
    XO!
    Keri
    http://hopskipleap.wordpress.com
    http://operationbreakingglass.wordpress.com

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  3. Sometimes I'm not hungry right after I do exercise like that. I think it influences appetite, and then the real hunger hits a bit later. But that's just my speculation!

    It's so great to hear that you not only ate what you knew your body needed, but also stood up for yourself! It's good to remember that other people just don't.. quite get it unless they've experienced something similar themselves. My bf has made comments before that he realized were possibly hurtful after such a response. When my parents said something, I've flat-out said, "That's inappropriate." I love your kickass attitude, not gonna lie :)

    Especially the tough noogies part

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  4. I am so incredibly in awe at the way you stood up for yourself like that! That took so major courage, girlie. :]
    You're right, it is a responsibility. And, just like anything else considerably 'bad', because it's there for you, begging to be utilized, provoking you and taunting you with what you 'could be doing', doesn't mean you have to do it.
    That was such a well-put comment! I am so glad he was able to take the hint and recognize that he was wrong in saying that. But you know, things like this will more than likely happen again, and by proving to yourself that you can come out of the situation strong, you’ll be even more prepared to do it again.

    -Edie

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  5. Good for you Tori :) situations like that can throw people off sometimes, well done for staying calm and doing what you needed to do anyway. I'm glad D realised what he said was pretty stupid!

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  6. Hi Tori,

    I think D's comment would have upset a lot of non-eating disordered people, so I wouldn't worry about what your reaction means about your recovery. In D's defense, I think we have all had experiences when we've said something that has come out completely wrong :-) Regarding you not feeling hungry, I think Mitri's comment about not being hungry right after exercise is a good one. Also - and this is purely my experience...not sure if others share this - but even after being at a healthy weight and fully recovered for eight years, my hunger signals remain off kilter. Oddly enough, I often don't feel hungry until AFTER I've finished a meal. Pre-anorexia, my hunger signals were normal, so I think the starvation must have screwed up my wiring. It took me years to learn my own variation of "intuitive" eating ...and to trust that for one reason or another, I continue to require many more calories than the average woman.

    The most important thing is that you didn't let your lack of hunger be an excuse to slip back. You're doing awesome - keep it up! ...speaking from experience, full recovery is completely, unquestionably, ABSOLUTELY 100% better than being sick.

    Elizabeth

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  7. That is just such an amazing step,
    you didn't let your anorexia influence you,
    I know I've said this about a zillion times, but I so believe it
    you're an inspiration,
    x
    Katie

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  8. You handled a difficult situation BEAUTIFULLY. Seriously, you're an incredible inspiration and keep working hard.
    Thanks for sharing, and have a fabulous day!
    <3 Jenn

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  9. hey girl!

    ok i can totally relate to not necessarily feeling hunger if ive been on my walking outside all day-- but its SO important to keep ourselves nourished because we really NEED it!!!!

    and i can also relate to my bf making comments about 'how much i eat'-- a lot of people do-- most poeple dont realize that the a wrap/salad might LOOK big compared to 2 slices of pizza or a burger-- but it has a different effect on hunger!
    im so glad that you pushed passed this-- girl your body is THANKING you right now-- amazing girl xoxooxxo

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  10. Tori, you amaze me day in and day out. First off, hell yes for sticking up for yourself and being blunt when the moment called for it. Obviously the boy didn't realize what he was saying while he was saying it but im glad you reminded him and gave him the reality check he needed.

    I definitely feel you on the timing thing and eating. It's SOO easy for me to go hours on end without really feeling hungry but that wouldnt be smart by any means. Sometimes I get too busy and am all over the place and just dont realize that I might even be hungry. Thats why sticking to eating when you know you should is important. It takes a long time for the body to adjust again and get used to that "hey youre hungry so eat" feeling. All in good time, though, babe. All in good time.

    In regards to him not eating and you having to sit there while he didnt have a bite, you did the right thing and you def know that. It's easy to forget that while we need our calories every so often, people who have never suffered from being underweight, just sort of eat whenever and whatever. My little bro is the perfect example. I get up and eat breakfast, then eat a snack later, and then lunch at some point after that. My brother will get up and wont eat until either a) he goes and gets it, b) has my mom make him something, or c) gets off his butt and actually makes himself something. He might go 6 hours without anything but when he does eat, he'll have three grilled cheeses with chicken, two gatorades, an apple, and some oreos. It's just all over the place! haha Then he may not eat for another 5 hours and he'll eat a ton again. Sometimes he eats every couple of hours. Its just super random. For us, however, its super important that we are always getting that fuel our bodies really need.

    Youve come so incredibly damn far and I couldnt be more jovial or proud. It's simply wonderful to see you have confidence in yourself and to be able to stand up for what you truly know is right. You are amazing in and out and i love ya!

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  11. Hey Tory! I think you handled the situation really good!! I don't think I'd have reacted that well!! Kudos!!
    And to see how far you've come!! It's pretty amazing!!
    I remember ther first posts I've read... And now this!! I'm in awe!
    Keep it up like this and he seems really cute and caring!! A keeper?! ;)

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  12. Yeah, I agree with some of the others, I think sometimes walking around or doing other exercise can stop you from feeling hungry even though you are. And then you still get hungry later if you haven't eaten to cover it, so try not to worry? That bowl looks delicious!

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  13. Sometimes, like others have said, been busy/doing physically draining things distracts from my hunger cues. You did 100% the right thing!

    <3 Laura

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  14. Well done Tori, you handled the situation so well. You are so responsible and patient and clearly have come such a long way; especially mentally. xxxxx

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  15. i think a lot of the time, at least from my experience, people make comments thinking they are "helping", or just not realizing how our minds work and therefore not seeing these comments the same way we do. good job for pushing through it and for standing up for yourself.

    also, you are right about my intake--i need to up it. i am going to work very hard on this!!!

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  16. i'm really pleased that you managed to deal with what D unintentionally said. it shows that you have come on leaps and bounds.
    could you take what he said as an indication that he doesn't see you as a girl with anorexia but sees you as just Tori and the wonderfulness of you? he can forget that you have anorexia because he so enjoys being around you.

    L. x

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  17. I've never commented before, but I've read your blog a few times recently, and I just wanted to say that I'll definitely be following it from now on :)
    Good for you for dealing with the comment as you did! I think, and I hate to stereotype but I find it true, that men tend to just simply say what comes into their head, without even considering the connotations it has for us - especially those of us with eating disorders! It isn't a criticism of them, it is just their straightforward way of thinking :p
    I really admire that you have come so far and now have a boyfriend (who sounds lovely!) and on top of that, can manage to keep your calm and do what you need to do in a situation such as that. It definitely shows your strength of character...plus, I might have to borrow the "You might not understand, but then again,I really don't need you too." phrase for regular usage with my father/grandparents/friends! :)
    xxx

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  18. Tori, I just randomly read this post. And I'm glad I did. Its really amazing how you did whats right for YOU. I know its the hardest thing in the world. Feeling like a weirdo because, oh gosh, you have to eat! What a human you are. No worries. I'm happy for you :D

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