You know, its funny how one small incident can show you just how far you've come, but still how far you've got to go.
Yesterday, the boy and I went for a hike up Sleeping Giant and we had planned on picnicking.
Sounds lovely, yes?
I thought so too.
So, we did our hiking up, and back down. It was almost 2:30PM before I got around to eating my lunch.
I went 5 hours without food, expending a great deal of energy. I didn't even feel a twinge of hunger.
This frightened me so, so much. I knew I should have felt hungry. Most likely, I was too busy pushing myself physically to even notice. It caused me a bit of panic, realizing that I still don't have that ability to always known when I'm hungry or should eat. And it frightened me to know I should eat, despite not feeling the least bit of hunger. But I know myself, and I know what I need to do to stay on track. So I ate anyways. My massive wrap and a dark chocolate bar (because I didn't think fruit &PB would travel well) were consumed in entirety.
Now here come's the day's kicker.
D didn't eat. At all. Said he ate before we left (at 11AM mind you!)
So I sat there, eating. And he basically watched me. And then said "For someone who isn't hungry, you sure can eat a lot."
Usually, anorexia would have had me die right there, on the spot, with shame and embarrassment. However, Victoria stayed in control. Calmly, but ever-so-deftly said "Just because I can go days without eating or ever feeling hungry doens't mean its something I should do. I know what I need to eat to stay healthy and whether I feel like it or not, I've got to eat. For me, its a responsibility. You might not understand, but then again,I really don't need you too."
I'm not sure what kind of look I must have had on my face, but by the time I finished the sentence, D was apologizing and realized what he said was massively inappropriate. I suppose a big thing is that he's never actually seen me eat a meal that I knew had enough calories. I usually bulk up other meals when I know I'll be eating out with him, due to my own self-consciousness. :sigh: Its funny because he tells me ALL the time that I "shouldn't feel self-conscious and thinks its pretty awesome that you're a girl who can eat." And yet, he sees me eat what is enough for me, and almost seems shocked. Meh. What can ya do? I admit to still feeling slightly put off by it, especially in conjunction with him sitting there not eating a bite. But, it is what it is. I will keep doing what I need to do for me.
Shredded wheat, granola, vanilla soy milk, coocnut flakes, almonds, banana, dried cherries,creamy and WCW PB (yum!)
Oh what strenuous things I do to take care of me ^.^
No shame, no shame. And no guilt either.
I believe somewhere inside, I am figuring out that this is how to live. Enjoy what you can and do what you must to better yourself, and if anyone has anything to say about it - tough noogies.
5 weeks ago