Monday, August 10, 2009

I don't know.

I don't know what is wrong. I feel so out of it. A few days ago, I was happy. I loved myself. I was happy with the girl I saw in the mirror.
And now its disappeared. Maybe its the stress of going back to school, going back to work, having to go for an ultrasound (I apparently have a lump on my thyroid that may be cancer. Fucking perfect, right?) and all while simultaneously managing my own recovery and trying to be the perfect recovering anorexic. Maybe its all too much to bear. But I feel like I am falling apart. I'm eating perfectly fine - no restricting. But every meal the past few days has been a struggle. I have no appetite and every time I see my reflection, I want to cry. I just hate my body so much right now and I don't know why. Actually, I do know why. It has nothing to do with anything. Its purely the stress I am putting myself under.

Logically, I know its the sheer volume of emotion that I am feeling that causes me to perceive my body as having gotten vastly larger than it really is. I know this as a fact - whenever I feel big emotions that I cannot seem to express, its like my mind shifts the weight of those emotions into the way I see my physical form. I literally see the emotional baggage I carry in a physical manifestation. I know it is not really there. But I can't seem to make it disappear, because I keep throwing myself into the fire.

Its frustrating me and I just want to cry.

Dan wants me to go swimming with him today. I do not even want him to see me, period. Let alone in a bathing suit. This self-consciousness is becoming life-inhibiting. I know I should say fuck it and just go. But I know I feel so incredibly uncomfortable that I'll just be bitchy and wanting to crawl out of my own skin the entire time.

I want to feel good again. I miss being happy. And this depression is sucking the life out of me. I need to let go of something. I don't know what. But some of these crosses need to be shed. I need to be able to stop worrying about things and just breathe. To be honest, I think that my weight has become one of the biggest stressors for me. I know how easily I lose weight and while I am eating what I want, I still find myself keeping a running tally in my head to make sure I've eaten enough. And its making me fucking crazy. I don't want to care anymore. I am so close to being free of the calorie obsession. I think I need to just say "screw this" entirely. In fact, I know I need to. I do not want to care anymore. I know what my body needs. I know what I want. I don't need to double check to make sure I ate enough, cuz you know what? If I didn't eat enough one day, chances are that I'll be hungrier the next day anyways so it will balance out.

I am so sick of ED. I am done. I don't care anymore. This is not the life I want to live and this is not the way I want to feel about myself for days on end. Anorexia in all of its obsessive nature will not become me anymore. I am saying goodbye to this illness in its entirety for the first and last time.

"These ties that bind me, I will change. Ignite this spark into flame for I will not be measured by days. I will decide my own fate." - Haste "Calendar Year"


  1. Tori, this post was so powerful and meant so much to me because I'm struggling with the same thoughts. But yesterday, I put on my bathing suit and faced my fears, and I felt ok. I thought I would break down but I didn't

    You are so right that life with ED is miserable. I'm so glad you're deciding to kick him to the curb. I'm so happy that you know what you want. And also that you know that you DON'T want to live with ED. Use your frustration as motivation to push through meals and this rough patch. I'm actually going to work on covering my mirrors with affirmations today. Maybe that would be a good idea for you if the mirror is specifically upsetting.

    Much love.

  2. Sometimes it just takes the one step of getting out the door and forcing your way through the hard wall that you want to throw up to keep yourself from going out. You know if you set your mind to the right attitude you could have a REALLY great time with the boy. It sounds like you've got the attitude to shut up the crappy thoughts and feelings, all you have to do is just GO. Do what you want and know you are YOU no matter what! You're a wonderful person who's strong and know's right and wrong when it's trying to creep up on her! Good luck Tori! Have a great monday!

  3. sometimes, you really need to say 'fuck it' & just let go. & it sounds like you really want to just be free. you can do this.

    your body knows what is best for it. we need to listen.

    i really hope that you can do this. i believe in you. that you can rid yourself of this disgusting disorder and be yourself, loving you for YOU.

    L. x

  4. You've got a lot on your mind at the minute and unfortunately thats probably why your ED is creeping back in. Theres no reason you cant go out with the boy and have a good time, since your feeling particulary self conscious though maybe suggest an alternative activity?
    Life is what you make it, you've fought this hard and come this far, now is your time to let go and enjoy your life.
    Well done for continuing to push through the feelings, I really do hope you can start to let go of this once and for all.


  5. I'm going to post this as anonymous, because I don't want you to be upset at what I'm about to say:

    I wish I could encourage you in your decision to let go of calorie counting and just eat what you want but when you want it. But Tori, that's not a good idea. It's not.

    You know better than anyone how easily you lose weight. You could easily be short 500 calories one day, and it isn't guaranteed that you will feel hungrier the next day and need an extra 500. One day of too-few calories turns into a week. Then two weeks. And suddenly, you've lost 10 pounds that you have worked so hard to gain.

    I won't even get into the possibility of ED thriving on even an accidental loss, especially given how much body-hatred you're going through. But even if you feel like it won't happen, it very well could.

    You need to keep counting calories and making sure you are getting enough. Yes, even if you hate it. Yes, even if its driving you insane. When you reach a healthy BMI- then you start start to think about intuitive eating.

    You've come to far to risk a slip!

    I'm only thinking of you<3

  6. stay strong!!! fight this, we can do it!

  7. I have no words of wisdom or advice,
    but I have plenty of love and positive vibes to send in your direction.


  8. Your blog means so much to me. The things you said in this post are so insightful, you are so strong...You know WHY you feel certain ways, you know why you often see yourself with disgust, you have been through so much and know what is happening. And you are still trudging through all the bullshit, juggling so much at once whilst being a sociable, awesome person. I admire you sooo much Tori :) Love this post :) xxxxxxx

  9. Just keep in mind- there is NO such thing as a "perfect" recovering anorexic. NO SUCH THING! You are bound to have days like this, but the fact that you're aware that it's all in your head and it's just the way you cope with things is BIG. Just keep your mind on the goal...being recovered.
    You can do this...I KNOW you can. Just don't give up, and keep living your life the way YOU want to, not the way ED wants to!


  10. you can do this. we all stumble and fall, as i have lots recently. but you said it yourself. tomorrow is a new day, so don't look back! i am behind you 100%.

    p.s. i wore the necklace today and it gave me hope and positive energy! :-)

  11. Keep moving forward girl and don't let this saddness take over you.
    Show that ED what it's worth and disrespect it, because you totally deserve better

  12. i have to agree with the first anonymous. tori, we all know how easy it is for you to loose weight - even while eating out and enjoying ice cream. i think its best to hang in there and keep with the calorie coutning (or at least a range). you dont have to consume your day with meal planning and food. just eat, and track it. because you are still not at healthy bmi. and because your newly restored weight has not had time to ''settle'' you could possibly endanger yourself with a relapse of weight loss. you have worked so hard to let that happen. so keep pushing through like you always do. you are a fighter! and good things are worth waiting for.

  13. Just keep doing what you did the last few weeks/month!!
    You're such an inspiration!! You've gotten so far!!
    Keep it up!! I believe in you!!
    And I'm so thankful that you share all this with us!!
    I know it's not only my who likes to read what it could be like in a few weeks, what to expect and what will come! Thank you sooo much!!
    And of course... Have a nice night and day!! :) xo