I don't know what is wrong. I feel so out of it. A few days ago, I was happy. I loved myself. I was happy with the girl I saw in the mirror.
And now its disappeared. Maybe its the stress of going back to school, going back to work, having to go for an ultrasound (I apparently have a lump on my thyroid that may be cancer. Fucking perfect, right?) and all while simultaneously managing my own recovery and trying to be the perfect recovering anorexic. Maybe its all too much to bear. But I feel like I am falling apart. I'm eating perfectly fine - no restricting. But every meal the past few days has been a struggle. I have no appetite and every time I see my reflection, I want to cry. I just hate my body so much right now and I don't know why. Actually, I do know why. It has nothing to do with anything. Its purely the stress I am putting myself under.
Logically, I know its the sheer volume of emotion that I am feeling that causes me to perceive my body as having gotten vastly larger than it really is. I know this as a fact - whenever I feel big emotions that I cannot seem to express, its like my mind shifts the weight of those emotions into the way I see my physical form. I literally see the emotional baggage I carry in a physical manifestation. I know it is not really there. But I can't seem to make it disappear, because I keep throwing myself into the fire.
Its frustrating me and I just want to cry.
Dan wants me to go swimming with him today. I do not even want him to see me, period. Let alone in a bathing suit. This self-consciousness is becoming life-inhibiting. I know I should say fuck it and just go. But I know I feel so incredibly uncomfortable that I'll just be bitchy and wanting to crawl out of my own skin the entire time.
I want to feel good again. I miss being happy. And this depression is sucking the life out of me. I need to let go of something. I don't know what. But some of these crosses need to be shed. I need to be able to stop worrying about things and just breathe. To be honest, I think that my weight has become one of the biggest stressors for me. I know how easily I lose weight and while I am eating what I want, I still find myself keeping a running tally in my head to make sure I've eaten enough. And its making me fucking crazy. I don't want to care anymore. I am so close to being free of the calorie obsession. I think I need to just say "screw this" entirely. In fact, I know I need to. I do not want to care anymore. I know what my body needs. I know what I want. I don't need to double check to make sure I ate enough, cuz you know what? If I didn't eat enough one day, chances are that I'll be hungrier the next day anyways so it will balance out.
I am so sick of ED. I am done. I don't care anymore. This is not the life I want to live and this is not the way I want to feel about myself for days on end. Anorexia in all of its obsessive nature will not become me anymore. I am saying goodbye to this illness in its entirety for the first and last time.
"These ties that bind me, I will change. Ignite this spark into flame for I will not be measured by days. I will decide my own fate." - Haste "Calendar Year"
Living the Crazy Life
4 weeks ago