Monday, August 3, 2009

Wow.

Wow. I cannot thank you guys enough for all the positive responses and encouragement from my last post. I've been trying to comment everyone back as quickly as possible but I'm afraid I may have missed some people. if I did miss you, I apologize and please know every word has been greatly appreciated and consistently brings a smile to my face <3

Today something funny happened. I was at the gym and forgot to bring a towel. But given the heat and humidity, there was NO way I was getting into my toastly little car without showered first. So, yours truly took it upon herself to use the handy-dandy hair dryers they keep at the gym to dry herself off.
Obviously, this meant having to look at my body. In the mirror. For a solid 10-15 minutes.
A long time ago, anorexia would have picked my body apart, looking over every part, scrutinizing it and finding flaws with every inch of skin.
Today, I looked in the mirror and I had some sudden realizations.
I am not fat. I have lovely muscle tone and I am getting stronger every day (woo! I can leg press 140lbs now!)
The biggest thought though, the most important one that entered my mind was that I love my body just as it is. I didn't look in the mirror and see imaginary chub on my midsection, I didn't pinch skin off my ribcage and think to myself that I needed to lose 5lbs. None of the old anorexic thoughts were there. Just a great appreciation for what I have accomplished. I remember the way I used to look and feel - when I was so weak that carrying in groceries caused my arms to ache and I fell asleep at eight o'clock every night because I couldn't bear to be awake any longer. I don't focus on those things so much anymore - I don't need to constantly remind myself of how bad I was to be able to feel good about who I am right now.
I was watching The Incredibles the other afternoon (yeah, I watch the Disney channel on rainy Sundays, so sue me) and something one of the characters said struck me.

"Never look back darling, it distracts from the now."


Who knew such wisdom could come from a children's movie? Actually, I think those Disney flicks are filled with much deeper messages and construct than people realize (did you know Aladdin was based off Othello? True story) But in all seriousness, I heard that quote and wrote it down on a scrap of paper almost immediately so I could share it with y'all. I think some times a lot of us, myself included, let our past selves dictate what we do now. I cannot tell you how many people I know who are afraid of SOMETHING because in the back of their minds, it reminds them of something from the past. I'm not saying that's bad - I do that too. I still have an irrational fear of potatoes and I cannot even figure out why (though I think having to eat a plate of semi-frozen mashed 'tatties and getting entirely sick when I was in IP has something to do with it) But! We are in recovery. We are different people now than we were months or years ago when we were entranced with our eating disorders. We are in different places in our lives. We have new goals, dreams, aspirations. We have new things to look forward to and new lives to live for. The fears and memories left over from our pasts so often distract us from who we are becoming and what we are now capable of. Its saddening to think that we may never realize our full potentials because we keep letting our former attitudes control what we do now. I never ate peanut butter or dessert or french toast when I was into my ED the past few years. Never. But I will admit - when I was in high school, I'd allow myself to have either peanut butter or dessert once a week. I couldn't tell you how much exactly I had, and it probably wasn't as much as I thought - but I always felt like I'd just binged on something bad. And for a long time, I was afraid of having things like french toast or peanut butter because I had that connatation in my head. Over time though, I have let go. I no longer think to myself "I can't eat that because I'll eat too much." I know what my body needs or wants, and I take what I think looks like a satisfying amount. I never on my life though I would be able to do that. But I can now, because without even thinking about it, I have stopped recounting every past event in my eating disordered history and I've stopped thinking about "food rules" for the most part. The past is the past for a reason - because we are supposed to move foward and make changes to better ourselves and enrich our lives. If we keep holding onto our former selves, we never truly grow out of the shell.

So today, I challenge myself and all of you: Let go of just one thing from your past today - be it an eating disordered thing, or a mistake you made or even just a consistent fear you've had. Just something that you think distracts you from living in the moment right now.

With that, I leave you with this morning's muesli:

Oats soaked over night in 1/4 cup milk and Fage 2%, banana, almonds, coconut flakes,PB and orange marmalade. Pina colada style - living's good right?

18 comments:

  1. Aww Tori this made me smile. I'm so glad you're feeling at peace with yourself. That quote is so poignant. I don't want to sound like a nagging old woman (even though I'm sure I have turned into one - I feel like I'm turning into the biggest bitch on CC because all I write is 'THAT IS NOT 2500!!!!!' Argh!) but do remember you are still v. underweight. Just needed to tell you, beautiful - you know I worry :-)
    I never knew Aladdin was based off Othello! That's so interesting - though did you know the Lion King is Hamlet? Hamlet became so much more enjoyable to study once I started thinking of Simba and Scar ;-)

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  2. i love your posts! so glad i read it just now. i am at day 1 of the camp i'm working at, and this is the only internet access i have for the time being. i moved into my house at school to live ALONE for 2 weeks. last night i was feeling lonely and sad and isolated and didn't want to eat dinner & was overwhelmed by WHAT to eat, but i pushed through it and made something (really random stuff but as long as i'm eating!).

    today, i am going to challenge myself to NOT work out. i am really tired and woke up at 7 and i think i'm going to just read a book and take a nap and RELAX. ED has been creeping in again w/ making me feel guilty if i don't move around a lot or exercise every day, but today, i'm going to let myself relax! and maybe make a mean smoothie!!!

    thanks for always inspiring me, girl! i have been wearing your necklace lots, and it reminds me to keep fighting.

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  3. That is such an AMAZING challenge Tori, I LOVE IT! It is so true that we can't hold on to past woes, as it will hinder us from enjoying the moment and moving forward to happiness in the future.

    I love the thoughts you had about your body and how grateful you are for what it can do. I've been thinking about that recently too, and I am SO thankful that I can walk up stairs, move my legs to run me down the street, swing my arm to hit a tennis ball, or hunch down to pick up a child. All sweet parts of life that you come to take for granted. Whatever my body looks like, the things it has done for me and will do for me are the most important, and I need to treat it well to reap those benefits!

    Have a wonderful monday girl!
    XO!
    Keri

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  4. Oh dear you're as bad as me trying to dry liquid eyeliner by sticking my face under the hand-dryers in department store toilets >_>
    Your posts are so inspirational and incredibly TRUE, everything you say makes so much sense and puts stuff into perspective. I love reading your blog. Every single post makes me a bit more positive towards recovery, I can't thank you enough. As for your muesli...damn I wanna try some :(
    xxxx

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  5. Mmmmm, that bowl looks lovely.

    thats a great post Tori. its an inspiring message - so many times i have admonished myself for my past that i forget that i am living my future. so many things have so many negative connotations that i am afraid of ever venturing there again. you're definitely inspiring me for my challenging dinner tonight (a fear food. eeek) thank you for persuading me that challenging this negative memory/memories is something i need to do.

    L. x

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  6. :-) Im smiling lots for you, I keep saying this every time but its so nice to read how you are moving on with life. It gives me hope!
    I like how you can explain things so well, I have the same food problems sort of, like I can eat a handful of almonds but for some reason I have an irrational fear of peanut butter and I think its because just like you explained my ED tells me I cant have that because I might end up eating to much of it or something.

    Your a real inspiration Tori, after fighting this for so long and coming so far you really desrve the happness and freedom your experiencing now.
    Have a wonderful day,
    xox

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  7. Tori: This is amazing. There isn't much more that convey the sense of happiness this post made me feel: both for you, and the wisdom you exude.

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  8. Incredibubble. Thus made me smile and get all teary. All that you said is true, so so true.
    I'm speechless, just know that your words have enabled me to move forward, your blog was the first I ever read and it was yu and your challenges and posts that made me be able to gain mre weight and experience foods that I previously though belonged in hell.

    Love you forever
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  9. This post reminded me of how scared I always was to be in my dorm because I always "over-ate". I mean, technically it was more than a normal person would have, but because I was starving myself throughout the day and overexercising at the same time- by the time night rolled around I was SO hungry that I couldn't stop. PB was one of those foods I was terrified to have ANY of because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop.

    Now though, if I want PB I have it...and I have a normal and healthy amount. I had forgotten about that feeling..of being scared to have something, and then that guilt that swarmed me afterwards. It truly does show me that I AM in a better place now. I never get those feelings any more, and if I do get guilt it's not the same. It's not the "omg I over ate I'm so disgusting" feeling...because I no longer over eat. I eat healthily and happily.

    Thanks Tor =]

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  10. Come on Tori. This Idaho girl says to GO FOR IT and EAT THoSE POTATOES!!

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  11. Just wanted to say, Tori, that I've been reading your blog for several months now. I first "met" you on the Calorie Count Weight Gain forum, and have followed your progress with great interest and admiration.
    I have the guilty feelings about eating that many ED recoverers experience. I have to say, though, that reading your blog always fills me with a new feeling of positive thinking, in that it makes me realise that eating is not a sin and food is a fuel, not a poison.
    Thank you so much for sharing your life and experiences as you do. You will never know how much help you are to me, and to others.

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  12. What a great start in my day (7.40am here) whit this entry!!
    It is soooo good to read such an upbeat post!!
    And YAY for the mirror-thing!! :) I had something similar this morning! Instead of seeing myself semi naked and thinking "oh wow... what a long way to go, xxlbs to loose" I just saw what I like "nice abs" and just thought "slowly but surely I'm getting my body back" and this is sooooo nice to start the day on a positive note!! So thanks! For continuing this positive stride of mine! Have a nice night!! xo

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  13. i am left speechless and with tears rolling down my face. I am amazed and touched. Filled with joy and endless love and admiration. You are incredible. I will cherish these words and the feeling invoked by them, forever. Thank you for truly understanding what life is all about and for sharing and reminding all of us. You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met and one of the strongest. I really don't even know what to say to this other than it was simply inspiring and more than anything heart warming to see the distance you have come and the progress you have made and the true happiness that you have arrived at. So much love for you Tori.

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  14. this post put the hugest smile on my face

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  15. great post once again tori. your progress is so amazing. i totally took part in your little challenge today. thank you for motivating me. it just made this day even more beautiful
    xxx

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  16. Nudie nudie in the locker room :P Now that's confidence.

    I bet those leg presses are helping to strengthen your bones since weight-bearing exercise is supposed to do that!

    And don't worry. I like to catch Disney flicks. Even though sometimes I recognize there can be bubble-gummy, I like how light or heart-warming they can be. Yeah, life isn't 100% roses, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate it. :)

    Thank you so much for the gift in the mail. I received it yesterday and it made my day. I wrote about it on my blog. Here I thought I was receiving a necklace, and then you surprised me with all those delicious foodie bars. Sneaky sneaky :P And I've been wearing the necklace already-- so great!

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  17. You and your blog are a complete inspiration to me, every post helps me in my journey. Thank you so much. <33

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