Friday, September 11, 2009

Amalgum.

Its 9/11. I know everyone is doing posts in honor of it. I hate thinking about that day. My cousin Kelly was in one of the towers as it collapsed. She is fine, she survived, though she had to go through therapy for PTSD. But we are very close, and just thinking about this day reminds me of how terrified and how sick I felt at school that whole day. I also have cousins and uncles in the military. So my feeling on this day is generally "Remember how lucky you are, and hope it stays that way."

So I've had a cold the past few days. Its been making eating very hard for me - I keep drinking so much tea that I feel full without eating anything. The added cough and sneeze miseries aren't helping. I've been sticking to calorically dense foods and that seems to be working out perfectly fine. New favorite thing to snack on: Black and White sandwiches. What is that you ask?
Dark Chocolate and White Chocolate peanut butters on whole wheat bread. <3 I'm sure you all can imagine just how awesome that is.

Also have been enjoying muesli a lot lately. Though, with the quick and sudden change in temperature, I believe some hot oats may in store for breakfast very soon. Also lots of pasta lately too. I'm thinking tofu casserole tonight perhaps since its cold and rainy, and will be for a few days. Just gotta get out the penne, some sauce, blend up some tofu, walnuts and spinach, add some spices and some olive oil and bake away. Will post a picture if I manage to find my camera beneath my mass of books, sketch pads and work clothes.

I am really frustrated to be honest. I apologize if my rant seems triggering. I can NOT find a single pair of khaki pants on the planet that will fit me. I bought TWO pairs of khaki crops in my usual size and I swear, the back pockets are sagging down to my knees! Its so silly looking. I found ONE pair of actual long pants at Target that were two sizes too big out of desperation since its getting cold up in New England. I look ridiculous. People tell me its cute that I'm always pulling up my pants....but I feel like its such an AN thing. It reminds me of back in the day, when nothing fit because I was emaciated. I am not emaciated anymore. I want clothing that fits. My jeans are OK, they fit good. Khakis must run bigger. But its upsetting. And then when I put jeans on after work, I admit to having to reassure myself that they are not too tight - its just that my work pants are too big.

End rant about clothing.

More and more of my guy friends and coworkers are hitting on me. A guy at work bought me dinner a few nights ago. Another one wants to go to the movies. One friend of mine travels from two towns over to come to the store I work at, just to visit me. A friend of mine in Florida wants to date me when he moves back to CT. Another friend who's studying abroad keeps messaging me, telling me how much better everything about France would be if I was there with him.

i want to be flattered. Part of me is. Part of me wants to hide. I know I should be used to the attention. But it feels like so much pressure. I feel like a lot of people around me seem to expect that somehow, I can fix their problems and make things better. But I can't. I don't have that capacity. On top of that is the fact that I cannot reciprocate their feelings. The boy and I are not really in a relationship anymore - we both consider ourselves single. But neither of us seem to really want to let go either.
Conversation from the other night:
D - "One of us is going to have to move on at some point. I think its going to be you."
T - "How do you figure that?"
D - "There are at least 5 guys who want to date you right now. You could be with anyone."
T - "Just because I could be with anyone does not mean that I want to be with them."
T - "Besides, who's to say you won't find someone else soon either?"
D- " Because I haven't met anyone else and I am happy and content with you."
T - "Did it ever occur to you that I might be content too?"

Blah. How's that for confusin, eh? We also have constant arguments over his paranoia that if I'm not with him, I'm out with another guy. (Newsflash Daniel: we aren't technically dating!) It just bugs me. I feel like there is something going on with him that I can't see, and that he won't talk about. Maybe its in my head, I don't know.

I don't know why, but I keep having this urge to move. Like this need to spread my wings so to speak - find out what else there is out there. I love my school - for a community college, its great. But that's all it is - community college. I know I can do better, go somewhere more challenging. I don't want to school myself into debt though. But I desperately want to go back to art school. It aches being stuck in this small town, working retail. I love the people I work with, don't get me wrong. But that is not the life I want to lead. I want so much more. And I will be damned before I let anything keep me down again. I feel so determined to rise above my circumstances. I don't even care what it takes, but next year I will be somewhere better.

8 comments:

  1. of course you can do anything you put your mind to! if you want to study art, you'll find a way. if you want to move somewhere exotic, you will! i am in college and people keep asking me what my post-grad plans are next year, and honestly, part of me just wants to hop a plane to europe and sit on a bench in paris and eat pastries and write! and maybe i will. if we've learned anything from EDs, its that you only get one life and one body, so we better cherish it and live it the way we want to. not the way anyone (including our disorder) tells us to.

    it sounds like you are doing well though. keep it up.

    also, i cant believe its been 8 years since 9/11/01. my brother is a military pilot, and i definitely appreciate holidays like this as well because i am glad and lucky to have my family!

    have a great weekend

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  2. Dear Tori, I totally understand you...the only thing I can say is follow your heart. Live your life the way you wanna live it. Date the persons you wanna date, go where you wanna go. And make mistakes, you're only human. But do what feels right for you. You've come so far and you are so powerful...I'm always here for you. Although I don't know you IRL, maybe that still means something...But remember: you are an inspiration for me:) xxx Julia

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  3. Tori!! First i want to know who your friend in Florida is... so i can find him and take him out! The role of guy in FL who wants to date you has already been filled, THANK youuuuuuuu.

    Second, D is an idiot for being so confusing (men...)

    Third, you deserve and will get so much out of life. If you get a life in return for helping one... then think about helping one hundred! I know i feel stronger and better each time i read what you write and how you overcome the trials that hit you. Know you deserve it, and know were all behind you!
    (im going to dedicate my next pancake to you, name what you want and theyre yours.)

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  4. of course he doesn't want to let you go you are the definition of amazing

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  5. Hope the boy situation works itself out...don't get too stressed out!

    Black and white sandwiches<3

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  6. this is beautiful tori! i love your last senstence. next yeat we can be somewhere better! i'll come back to that in one years time with you!!! :)
    the more we let go of what he held onto for so long the more we are able to see all the posibilities that are out there. think scolarships etc. i am very sure you will be at a place next year where you are more than happy.
    living, breathing, eating is all we need to do to get where we really want to be.
    we cna do this
    xx

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  7. hmmmm... he seems very insecure!!!!! dont let him get you down!! if you wanted to date someone else.. wouldnt you have by now?

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  8. oh oops i forgot to add.. try shopping in the girls department.. i know its weird.. but when i was super tiny, i could wear the girls sizes...they are cut for a more petite person.. im only guessing you arent 5'11" or something?! lol

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