Monday, September 21, 2009

Rise Against.

I know everyone has their music of choice. But truly I have got to share this album with you guys. This band, and these songs got me through the worst of days. And even now, when I am having a bad day, I pop in one of their albums and I instantly feel stronger and more capable.
My album of choice during my recovery was "The Sufferer and the Witness". Every song on that album empowered me and reminded me that I was human. A person with struggles that could be overcome. My favorite song though, is probably Survive.
"Life for you has been less than kind. Take a number, Stand in line. We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt. But how we survive is what makes us who we are."
Those words always pushed me to keep going, to stop pitying myself and berating myself for what I'd lost all these years. I have come to realize that the past does not matter anymore. Sure, its important because, yeah, I've learned a lot from my mistakes. And they have shaped me into the person I am today. But my past does not dictate my future. It doesn't determine what I'm worth now, or what I deserve to do and take for myself. The amount of stupid things I've done, the times I've tried and failed, the times I've just given up entirely - they have given me the strength to see what I need to do for myself to make things better, and the determination to stick to it.

That being said - I still struggle with myself at times just as much as I did in the beginning of recovery. Just the other day, I had an issue at work with the ED. "Those girls you just checked out were buying weight loss shakes. If they can lose weight, you can too"
Immediately after those girls came through my register, the phrase "Do you really need to eat that extra snack when you get home tonight? Really. Are you even going to be hungry? Nahh. You're fine. A little hunger never killed anyone."
AGH! I don't even know where it came from or why. It really startled me honestly. I suppose I'm still sensitive to the idea of weight loss, but only concerning people who really don't need to lose weight. The minute the ED thought entered my mind, I knew I had to rebel against it and make myself eat what I needed when I got home. And I did. After about a minute or two, the thoughts were gone, and when I got home I happily made a Nutella milkshake. But the fact that they even appeared frightened me.
I've felt many a victory before, but somehow this one felt different. I suppose it was easier for me on some level when I was at the very bottom. I knew I looked ill then. Now I just look very thin. So in my head, its not quite as necessary for me to gain as it was six months ago. But I also know that my body is freakin' weird and I need to meet or exceed the 3K mark every day or else I will start slipping. I fought too hard for too long to let little things like that bring me back.

I had a talk with my therapist for the first time in a while. He said that I had a very real belief that if I can conceive of something, then it can be done. "Conception equals implementation in your mind. You have a mentality now that says if you think you can do something - it will be accomplished." He said that kind of determination and confidence in myself would serve me well. But I'm not quite sure if its bordering on a bad belief, given that I also have black and white tendencies. I can honestly say, I have a hard time understanding why other people don't just do things. Maybe its because the real me is coming back more and more. I'm not sure. But if you talk about doing something, say you want to do it and really mean it - then fucking do it! (pardon my language) There's no reason not to. And the only thing that can ever truly hold you back is yourself. So hey! Live your life with open arms and reach for whatever is within your sights - even if it feels beyond your grasp. Nothing is ever as far away as it seems. At least that's my philosophy. ^.^

I was going to leave you all with a photo of my awesome breakfast of champions, but Blogger is being ridic. And I have to get my butt to class. So! Perhaps later I'll have the pic for it.
Be that as it may, breakfast was a darling mix of oats and Dorset Berries and cherries soaked overnight in vanilla soy and Fage, topped this morning with dried figs, sliced banana, almonds, and 2TBS of creamy peanut butter. And of course the usual cuppa with my new favorite - Hazelnut Biscotti creamer. <3


  1. Dear Tori, what an inspiring post again...thank you! Those lyrics (But how we survive is what makes us who we are) are so true, I will definetely search this song and listen.
    What you said about the 'just do it'-mentality is really what helped me do it! Your posts (on CC and here) were full of that mentality and then I realized it: I just had to do it, for real. That's some time ago and things are still going really well and I can't thank you enough for it... I don't think it's all black and white, because this is so true: it IS a matter of doing it or not. You can't recover for a bit.
    I'm proud of you for making the right decision after the incident with the two girls. Those things can be still difficult for me too (especially when me and my body are getting back to normal, just like you wrote...). But the difference is that thoughts don't change my behavior anymore, and that goes for you as well because you did great!
    Hold on, stay strong and keep fighting... And please remember that I'm also there if you struggle. I don't know if that helps or is something you like, but I just wanna say it...
    Love, xxx Julia

  2. I'll tell you what, that breakfast bowl sounds awesome! But i guarantee you the better start to the day was being on the reading end of this post. I always loved how you and i feel the same way about music, how it can inspire and take you somewhere else with something simple as a lyric or a good bridge.

    So glad to hear how well your doing as well! Oh, and to let you know, i have officially stopped counting and measuring everything and learning to let go and let God. Plus... a few pancakes along the way. LOVEZ!

  3. hey lovie,
    what an inspirational post, those lyrics are amazing, i listened to the song and wow, loved it, thank you for sharing it :) music always helps me when i am struggling.
    i am so proud of the way you handled those girls, people are so stupid with dies etc, and it can be so triggering, like i know in school the younger teachers would always be talking at lunch about this diet and that diet and idk just kinda triggering to hear while i was eating my lunch back in the fall/winter, but i still came home like you and had an adequate snack no matter what.
    you are just so amazing, do you know how amazing you are? ;) you are like the first person i think of when i need advice especially now in my life, reading your comments from the past few weeks has helped me beyond belief, after reading your comment today i read it like 3 times :) i thought about everything you said and M and I increased our cals, and are planning on just plunging in tomorrow to what we know we need to actually have a chance of putting on any weight. thank you for all your support, i love you so much, and that breakfast YUM sounds amazing!

    xo lots of love

  4. The only Rise Against song I've heard before I think was called "Swing Life Away." :) Thanks for sharing some gooooooooood lyrics.

    You can be the new sponsor for Nike commercials ;)