Monday, September 7, 2009

What I've learned thus far.

Things I have realized in the past week:

I work hard.
I play hard.
I can do anything I put my mind to (including increasing my calories to hault a minor weight loss, despite how busy I am)
I do not ever have to worry about being alone.

As of today, I will have worked about 12 hours over time between Friday night and 9:30PM this evening. Holy shit, right? Here's my layout for the past three days:
Friday - worked 1PM till 10:30PM
Left work. Went out with Daniel and came home at 7AM Saturday morning.
Saturday - worked 11:30 to 4:30PM. Went out for bit. Got to bed around 11PM.
Sunday - went out with Daniel in the afternoon. Worked 4:30 to 9:30. Went over to Daniel's. Came home and went to bed around midnight.
Monday - working noon till 9:30PM. Probably going out again afterwards.

I think I may be taking on too much. Daniel is rather stressing. We aren't technically dating anymore - but as you can see here, it kinda still looks like we are. He's already been asking me today what time I get off of work so we can hang out. He also keeps badgering me about other guys and if I'm going to be dating anyone else some time soon. To be honest, there are at least three guys interested in me. One of them I work with. one of them moved to France for a year to study abroad. And one of them I know from being IP (he was in the depression/SI group). But really - I'm not sure I want to be dating any of them. And I hate that Daniel seems to think that whenever I'm not with him, I must be with someone else. It makes me sad. He's so hard to read. I swear, he was texting me almost my entire shift, every day. But then he says he wants us to be able to be friends. And then he kisses me at the door (and TBH, more often than just that). So I'm kind of like "WTF". I understand not knowing exactly what you want. But its not cool to not even be able to decide on "friends" or "possibly more than friends.". (sigh)
I also have three classes (so far doing quite well in all of them) I seem to function better when I'm doing more. Its like the bigger the challenge, the more able I am to desire and push for success. I've found that I need to eat even more than I initially figured, but I'm OK with it. Hey - more peanut butter and pasta for me? Like I'd really complain about that haha. I feel like this is my final frontier. Learning to live and eat at the same time, and still getting myself to a healthy weight. I can do it. And I will.

Also: I concocted the best chocolate-strawberry smoothie shake you never had yesterday.
~Chocolate soymilk
~Vanilla greek yogurt
~ Fresh strawberries and ice (or just use frozen strawbs for the same slush-effect)
~Chocolate syrup

Blend. Pour into your favorite glass and add a neon pink straw (that's how I do it up anyways!) and enjoy.


  1. Guys are so complicated. :S
    But it's awesome to see that you're not letting ED control, even eith all the stress you're under.
    You work so much! How do you do it???! :O

    Hope you have a nice week,

  2. So good to hear from you again! And hurrah once again for the craziness of LIFE!

    But yeah- taking on too much too fast is definintely a tough thing. I face the same thing as I start to thrive off the beginnings of health! Then it feels good and you do more and suddenly having the ability to take a class, a job becomes a schedule so jam packed + a social life that the basics -the foundation you worked so hard on- threatens to suffer. hold strong and remember what got you there in the first place--and keep it moving up as necessary, cuz gah even more nutrition resources are needed to continue with healing, basic function...and now the extra LIVING!

    <3 Nell

  3. You are actually so amazing and clever. You see properly deep into things. But even guys can be too confusing, I don't blame you for not knowing what to do in all this. I wish I had some useful advice but I'm useless with guys :( Not had the best amount of experience either. At least you are aware of what you need to eat, and you are enjoying the prospect of eating lots to keep your weight up. Keep stuck in with work and classes and life will be good! :) xxx

  4. :-) sounds like your life although is very busy is getting back to being more normal, your out doing more things now. I also find that when I have more to do I function better, I guess our minds are so focused on other things we dont focus on the ED as much.

    It almost sounds like Daniel wants a relationship without actually offically calling it one, ugh boys can be so frustrating at times,I cant really offer any good advice in the relationship departments unfort.

    Glad to hear your managing everything though, xoxo

  5. hey lovie,
    ahh sounds like you are taking on a lot of different things between eating, Daniel, and your job...but i know you can juggle all these things, just take a breath, and maybe make a list or something...but it sounds like Daniel really likes you and cares a lot about you so if you need a little down time to focus on tori then i am sure he will is so hard to have an ED and do so many things normal people do without a worry :/ but our health comes first, but honestly sounds like you are doing amazing, and i know you can do all the normal fun and wonderful things and still be in recovery and still be doing great! because you are probably the strongest girl i "know" seriously, how far you have came amazes me every time i think about it! :)
    by the way LOVE the sound of that smoothie,so creative and sounds so delicious!


  6. YUM that smoothie sounds delicous!

    I'm so glad to hear that you're taking like head on, and working through your recovery. You are doing great work. It certainly does seem like you are taking on a lot...I know from personal experience that a BUSY BUSY schedule seems great at first, but you can burn out easily. Just make sure you are checking in with yourself regularly. Sometimes recovery can take a back seat when we are so busy!

    Great work girl, keep it up!
    <3 Erika

  7. Sorry to hear about the tough situation going on right now...I'm sure the boys will work it out eventually, tsk :)

    You're staying super strong, and you're really an inspiration...that smoothie sounds WONDERFUL.

  8. your post made me smile tori. why? because even though i know that you're going through a bit of a tough boy situation at the moment, when i read between the lines of everything you wrote, know what i read? that the real tori is back. ok, i know i don't actually know you, nor have i ever known the you that was there before ed, but i do get the sense that there's a real person out there now. ed no longer wears the pants! you do! so in the small picture, things are going a little up and down and around and around right now. but zoom out, take a few steps back and look at the big picture: you are you and you have a life again. how awesome is that??

  9. i absolutely ADORE your realizations!!! I feel like you have come so far and really come into your own and I could not be a happier little camper about it :)

    In regards to you schedule, you sound like a busy little bee! I'm glad you have been managing it all while still coming out on top. I know that the boy situation is probably really stressful but remember, YOU hold all the power. Unfortunately, boys are tricky little beings and they want to have their cake and eat it too. Sounds to me like Daniel is crazy for you (and why wouldnt he be?!) and that he probably called the whole "OMG we are moving too fast" card because he was worried about falling for you in a deeper way than perhaps he felt you were falling for him. It's funny how guys play things because they think they are being "cool, calm, and collected" but its all out of the crazy nerves they are experiencing. I think that you need to let Daniel know that he needs to breathe and relax and have enough confidence and assurance in himself and what you two share rather than stress about the potential of you being with someone else. I have all faith that if you were interested in someone other than Daniel, you'd tell him, not make some shady move. He's just being paranoid and trying to figure his shit out. It sucks but as I said, you have the control so make the decisions that are best for you.

    OMG i totally feel the same way about having more to do and being able to go out and tackle the world when I feel busy. It's as if there is this force that keeps pushing you to move forward and upward at the same time. I think we're moving along in the same boat girlie! ;) haha Oh and I, too, have had to realize that I need to eat more. It's called tons of pb, almonds, milk, and bread. Easy cals means easier gaining. I just want to reach that point where weight isnt an issue and I can just live. It's still our job, though, to find a place that's healthy for us and if that means having to push a little harder when life gets busier, then so be it.

    Keep up the amazing work babe, Im right there with you!

  10. Hi Tori,
    I'm glad to read a post from you:) I'm so proud of you for living your life again and at the same time giving your body the extra's that it needs now. Please give yourself some rest sometimes as well, because you don't want a burnout or something like that. Boys are difficult...they are. I just hope you will choose what YOU want and like in this relations. I admire you for the way you are living right now! xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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