Friday, October 30, 2009


Long time, no write lovelies! Sorry for my absence. Things have been SO crazy lately. Mostly in a good way, of course. but yes, very hectic. I've been building a rather gigantic sculpture out of recyclables and paper mache (woo!) and its coming along OK, but it does require a lot of prep and care. Plus, I'm trying to maintain my now barely-passing grade in algebra. Its hard but I believe I am a C- right now and I really don't want that to slip back down again. Most importantly though - I am surviving. Ups, downs, and in between.

I spent almost the whole day with the boy yesterday. We went out for dinner, and went to a show at Toad's Place in New Haven. We saw The Get-Up Kids (<3) and a few other bands. I had my first legal alcohol! I'm so proud of myself too - I had liquid calories! And I didn't even order a diet cola mixer. I had rum and regular Coke. I may or may not have had some of the boy's Long Island Iced Tea. Not a big fan of those I learned. A bit too sweet for my liking. Anyways! it was a really good time. I'm also proud of me for another reason. I usually go to the gum Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Well, I came home around 1AM. I'm working 10 to 6 (which means leaving home at 9:30 and getting home at 6:30). I have decided NOT to go to the gym today, but perhaps Saturday instead. I know it sound ridic, but I have been faithfully going to the gym those three days every week for months. With the exception of when I got a horrible cold - I've been pretty routine about it. But today, I'm doing what's best for ME and not rushing around like a nut when I'm tired. I can say that it feels a bit weird and I feel like I'm missing something. But, I also know I would be entirely miserable all day if I went this morning. So I'm not going. Learning flexibility! Woo.

I will be honest - I am getting slightly paranoid about eating. I'm so frustrated with myself because I've started to maintain my weight on what I've been eating. And now I find myself over-estimating the calories on things quite frequently. Not by a lot, but maybe by 5-10 calories. I never thought much of it until it hit me that 5 to 10 calories overestimated at several meals on multiple things can add up really quickly. I'm making myself nuts over it! I've decided that the best way to fix it is to just stop doing it. Between today and tomorrow, I'm trying to figure out where and what I've been chronically over-estimating and just not do it anymore. Its one thing to say to myself "If the serving of cereal is 1 cup/205 calories, and I'm having 1/2 cup in my yogurt - Its 103 calories, I'll add it in as 105." Its just and easier number to keep track of in my mind. But its entirely different for me to consistently be rounding numbers up to the nearest 10,50, or 100. And I just need to force myself to stop doing that. Because if there is one thing I've learned, its that even as a mostly recovered anorexic - my portions do not err on the side of generous. I can admit that if I have a TBS of peanut butter, its not a heaped scoop. Or if I have a handful of raisins, it is not a packed handful. Yes, these may be things I need to work on. But for the time being, my biggest thing is to learn that I can trust myself to eat enough, without going overboard. I know with my history, that sounds ridiculous to be afraid of. But it is something I have always feared. I KNOW I can trust me, now I just need to put that into practice. And so today - I make a change. No more being nervous that I put too much peanut butter on my bread, no more fearing that the strawberry short cake a friend's mom made has a bit more calories than I intended to eat for a snack (cause you know, its never as much or as big a piece as we think!)

Today, I declare myself free from worry. I Today, I have decided that I will trust myself that much more, and that I will not be afraid of eating more one day than another. Because it all balances out eventually.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Thank you Tuesday.

<3 Huge thanks and love to all of you who wished me a happy birthday. I truly did have a great one, every one of your comments brought a huge smile to my face. You all make me feel so special - its amazing and I'm so glad to have this community to be part of. Hugs all around! I think I wrote back to everyone, but if I inadvertently missed you, I'm really sorry and please know it was an accident.

So, I've been given this award by several lovely ladies here in blogland, and I figured it was about time I posted it up.
1. Where is your cell phone? Pocket.
2. Your hair? Messy
3. Your mother? Working.
4. Your father? Building.
5. Your favorite food? Oatmeal.
6. Your dream last night? Unrecalled.
7. Your favorite drink? Latte
8. Your dream/goal? Artist
9. What room are you in? Bedroom
10. Your hobby? Creating.
11. Your fear? Heartache.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Thriving
13. Where were you last night? Boy's.
14. Something you aren’t? Purple.
15. Muffins? Bran.
16. Wish list item? Long-sleeve-tees.
17. Where did you grow up? So.CT.
18. Last thing you did? Text.
19. What are you wearing? Uniform.
20. Your TV? Living room.
21. Your pets? Crusher
22. Your friends? Few.
23. Your life? Chaotic.
24. Your mood? Content.
25. Missing someone? Nah.
26. Vehicle? Corolla.
27. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes.
28. Your favorite store? Art-o-rama
29. Your favorite color? Turquoise
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Sunday (long story short: Angry customer tried to get me fired for no reason)
33. Your best friend? Katie.
34. One place that I go over and over? Seawall.
35.One person who emails me regularly? Katie
36. Favorite place to eat? RolyPoly (don't judge! They are the Panera Bread of wraps)

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Twenty One.

So its my birthday today. And honestly, I am MUCH happier and feel 100X better than I thought I would. I went out with the boy last night and had such a great time. We went out to Panera Bread for dinner and then saw "Where the Wild Things Are" - great movie BTW. So! I've never been to Panera before, and I have to say I am really proud of myself. I polished off an entire Mediterranean Veggie sandwich whilst boy ate a half sandwich/soup combo. I also ate not one but two candy bars during the movie, because I knew I needed the calories and hell, I love peppermint patties and 3 musketeer bars. I couldn't decide between the two, so I said 'Eh, its your birthday. Enjoy it. You don't need to eat 100% clean all the time. Its just like having a larabar and trail mix. Except these aren't made with fruit." Haha I know, not *really* but hey. I enjoyed it very much. I also decided to make a Happy Birthday Breakfast this morning:

Cocoa-Coconut Brownie oatbran! Yes, I know. I admit to wondering if I was overdoing the chocolate business, but A. Its my birthday and this is possibly my fave. oat creation. And B. I hardly ever eat candy or anything like that, so once again - "fuck it". I took 1/3 cup oat bran, mixed it wtih 1TBS unsweetened cocoa powder, a pinch of cinnamon and cooked in 1/2 c. milk and a bit more than 1/4 cup water. About half way through, I mashed in a sliced banana, stirred in very well and finished cooking. Then I topped it with a handful of almonds, a scoop of coconut flakes and two tablespoons of White Chocolate wonderful. Soo good.

I really want to say thank you to all the people who left comments on my last post. I had been feeling down, but you guys really helped me remember than just because I have lost the past doesn't mean anything for what's happening right now in the present, or what may come in the future. There's still so much to live for. And if I hadn't struggled and lost the things that I had, I would never be as grateful as I am now.

The best thing I've gained over this year (other than you all of course!) is the strength and confidence in myself that recovering has given me, as well as forgiveness and acceptance. I have always been really hard on myself, as I'm sure many of us are. But recovering has taught me that we all mistakes. There have been days where I've accidently eaten more than I had planned for, and days where I haven't quite met my calorie goals. In the past, I would berate myself and be furious, or let the slip under cause me to continue under-eating more and more. Not anymore. I was 100 calories over/under yesterday? Eh, oh well. It balances out anyways. I don't let those exact numbers rule me anymore. And that has transcended into all areas of my life. I say something a tiny bit too sassy and it upsets someone? Eh, oh well. I realize now that it's not my fault if they take me too seriously. I don't hate myself for being me anymore. I also no longer defeat myself before I even begin. In my mind, I can do whatever I decide I want to do. I know that I am perfectly capable of anything I want to achieve. I cannot express how much different I feel, knowing that I've done what I've done and overcome the things I have. This time last year, if you told me I'd be eating dinner at Panera Bread and eating candy at the movies, I'd have thought you were crazy. And there it is - I did it. I truly believe all things are possible if given time, opportunity and proper dedication.

Something beautiful I want to share:
There is a man who comes to my work every week to buy a gallon of milk. He has been paying me with quarters, dimes, nickels. He's foreign and I usually help him count out the coinage. Last night, he stood in line to come to my register for ten minutes. The other registers were barren but he stayed in my line. No one else offered to check him out - I am the only one who seems to have had the patience to count coin for him. As he got to check out, a huge grin spread on his face. He pulled out a wad of cash, and said to me "I wanted you to know I don't have to pay in coins anymore." as he handed me a $20. He could have used a few singles or a five, but he was so proud of having a bigger bill, he just had to use it. He was the happiest looking man I saw my entire shift and having him be my last customer for the night made me really happy. I feel like that is the best birthday gift I've ever gotten.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Counting down.

My 21st birthday is in just a few days.

I feel so afraid of this. One part of me is so, so proud. Since I was 17, every year I've been told I won't live to see the next birthday. And here I am. To be honest, I didn't expect to make it either. I've been having nightmares about dying. I think sub consciously, a part of me feels like I have some how cheated my own death by surviving so much (hello two heart failures before age 20?) And it frightens me now, to realize just how dissonant I was back then. I didn't even care if I was killing myself and I couldn't begin to conceive the idea that I was slowly and steadily losing more and more of my life.

Then I wake up now and realize what I've done. I'm glad to have grown and gotten better from it. But its still hard to really grasp that its been ten years since the ED started. Seven since I was originally diagnosed. Its just...agh. I don't know how to put into words, but everything seems surreal. Both my life entrenched with anorexia, and my life now. It feels like I've lived as two different people.

I wish I could be happier. I haven't enjoyed or celebrated my birthday in many many years - at least six? But I just can't seem to feel excited. Just lost. I should stop berating myself for all of this. I just wish I could feel the excitement that everyone else seems to feel on this day. But I have to work til 10PM and to be truthful, I don't have a group of friends to go drinkin' and dancing with. I have a few scattered friends here and there. But that's really it. I've been alone for so long. And now, here I am well enough that I should be able to have an awesome party and have a good time. But if I were to attempt such a thing, I would end up alone. So in my mind, this day isn't even worth celebrating. Its just another day. The only difference is that this one comes with an entire slew of reminders that I really don't want right now. At least I am working till 10PM so that will take my mind off of everything, and it makes me feel better about the lack of social outings that I have.

On the bright side, I'm at least planning on having a delicious bowl of chocolate brownie oat bran for brekkie. My first hot cereal of the season too!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Pushing Up.

I am exhausted. I think all together, in the past week I've gotten about 5 hours over time on top of my 25 hour work schedule. That's a lot considering I have class five days a week and also go out with the boys at least three nights a week as well. Its all good stuff truly, I feel happier than I have in ages. But, I am still tired.

I really wanted to thank everyone for the support on my last post. I admit, I had been struggling in finding the strength to keep gaining and get a few more pounds on. It just seemed too difficult with my schedule. So I decided to just amp it up a notch for the next few weeks so I can gain a bit faster. Sure, it's a bit harder for right now, but it means I'll have it done with that much sooner and can get to a more normal life a bit more quickly. Sometimes I kick myself for not pushing right along through up to XXX back in April, because I have so much more to do now. But at the same time, I think taking the time to adjust, and to learn to appreciate my body more has helped prevent me from relapsing. I've not weighed as much as I do now in about seven years. I don't want to sound triggering, but it still amazes me that people consider me to be so thin. Every now and again, I catch a glimpse and I realize that yes - I am still very, very thin and do need to gain weight. But when I'm eating as much as I am - I sometimes actually forget that I'm anorexic (I ate THREE peanut butter sandwiches yesterday. In addition to 3 meals and two other snacks) because many of the people I know now have no idea about my ED. And even those who do tend to forget about it entirely. For instance, dear D wants to see me do battle against one of his friends at the All-You-Can-Eat-Pancakes day at IHOP. o.0 I might actually go for it though. I reminded him that I do kind of have an ED and don't generally eat THAT much in one sitting, I tend to spread it out over the course of a day. D's response - "Well, just don't eat as much earlier that day so you can beat C and show him who's boss." I love that he is slowly making me more normal in terms of eating habits. I'm learning that while part of recovery is preparation (like bringing snacks every where you go) - part of it is also learning to eat like other people do; when they have the time and opportunity to. It doesn't matter if I eat a 600 calorie breakfast and a 900 calorie dinner or vice versa - as long as I eat enough throughout the day to sustain myself.

To prove my point, here's what I ate as a snack at 11PM last night after work:

Oh yes I did. DCD and banana sandwich. Because girl needed an extra little something, and why the hell shouldn't I eat after my 6 hour shift? The only reason I usually don't is because my anorexic mind screams "Its too late for food." Well, too bad. BTW I melted it in the microwave after I took the picture. Best. Idea. Ever.

Friday, October 2, 2009

I Can't Lie.

It looks as if everything is pretty much in my favor these days. I'm making friends at school, even at work. I go out and have fun with friends. I'm doing well in Sculpture and I'm at least passing Algebra enough to get credit for the course. I'm eating well enough. It takes some serious planning on the days I work due to the crazy hours, but I'm doing it.

And I am scared out of my mind. I'm not sure why. I cried myself to sleep last night. I don't know where the tears came from, but I got home from work, curled up with a pillow and just cried. I feel like I can't keep this up forever, and I'm terrified that the day the ball drops will be coming soon. I have such a hard time accepting that this all real. That I am truly at XXX lbs, eating XXXX calories a day, and doing okay. It just doesn't seem possible in my mind at times. It feels like I am stuck in a safety bubble, looking out from within its clear and ever so slightly rainbow tinted encasement. Touching the world through the translucent skin that protects me from damages of the everyday.
I hate planning what I eat. Its frustrating and time consuming. I usually end up eating the same thing for days at a time because I just don't have time to figure out other ways to reach what I need. And it makes me feel like I am still so, so entrenched. Like I'm just balancing myself between recovery and ED. I know in reality, its not true. I've taken myself out for spur of the moment Starbucks lovin', eaten food from the mini-food court in my store. Things I never would have done awhile ago. But still. I feel like I'm stuck. I'm scared of what will come to be when I move out from this protective zone I've managed to build that keeps me safe from reality. I cannot always be calculating to such great ends. Its just not what I want to do with my free time. But what will happen when I get fed up, and decide to just let it go? I don't know. I do know I am reaching that point. I am afraid its a sign that the AN is trying to worm back in. I'm scared that I still can't truly trust myself to eat enough day in and day out. I know at some point, I have got to try to fly. Even if I crash and burn, I know I will not create the wreckage I did last year, and that if I do start to slip, I will have the strength and resolve to pick myself up before things get bad. I KNOW this. So why am I still so depressed? And why do I keep questioning whether or not I truly have the strength and resolve to keep going?

I think a part of it may be that my birthday is in 16 days. I'm turning twenty one.
I know, I know. Traditionally, this is one birthday everyone gets excited for. And a part of me is.
Another part of me is horrified. I'm twenty one and a college freshman. It hits me now just how much time I wasted, how much I lost. Many times over the course of the last year, I literally forgot that I was even 20. I still felt like I was 18, 19. Its because I spent so much time in a world where everything was on pause. I wasn't living my life. I was fighting for it. It never struck me that the rest of the world was moving forward and changing. But I see it now. I know I can't go back and fix it. I can never get back the years I lost to this illness. I try not to let it break me up inside. But when I realize how old I am, and I remember how much different I dreamt of life being at this point in time, its saddening. I wanted things to be so much different. I do not regret my mistakes. I really don't. They've led me to be the person I am now, and they've brought me many good friends. But after seeing it all fall apart so many times, its just hard to really believe that this year can be different. Sometimes I don't even believe I'm really still alive - that's how surreal my life has become. I yearn to trust it, and to have faith that yes, this will be a good year. The year I finally eat cake on my birthday and drink (cheap) liquor with friends. The year when I finally free myself from this constraint.

I obviously still put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to excel in every thing I do. *sigh* At least I know what I want, and that should offer me some sense of direction. I just wish this would all stop feeling like a dream so I could really believe this state of health and contentment was here to stay, and not something that I was going to lose.