Long time, no write lovelies! Sorry for my absence. Things have been SO crazy lately. Mostly in a good way, of course. but yes, very hectic. I've been building a rather gigantic sculpture out of recyclables and paper mache (woo!) and its coming along OK, but it does require a lot of prep and care. Plus, I'm trying to maintain my now barely-passing grade in algebra. Its hard but I believe I am a C- right now and I really don't want that to slip back down again. Most importantly though - I am surviving. Ups, downs, and in between.
I spent almost the whole day with the boy yesterday. We went out for dinner, and went to a show at Toad's Place in New Haven. We saw The Get-Up Kids (<3) and a few other bands. I had my first legal alcohol! I'm so proud of myself too - I had liquid calories! And I didn't even order a diet cola mixer. I had rum and regular Coke. I may or may not have had some of the boy's Long Island Iced Tea. Not a big fan of those I learned. A bit too sweet for my liking. Anyways! it was a really good time. I'm also proud of me for another reason. I usually go to the gum Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Well, I came home around 1AM. I'm working 10 to 6 (which means leaving home at 9:30 and getting home at 6:30). I have decided NOT to go to the gym today, but perhaps Saturday instead. I know it sound ridic, but I have been faithfully going to the gym those three days every week for months. With the exception of when I got a horrible cold - I've been pretty routine about it. But today, I'm doing what's best for ME and not rushing around like a nut when I'm tired. I can say that it feels a bit weird and I feel like I'm missing something. But, I also know I would be entirely miserable all day if I went this morning. So I'm not going. Learning flexibility! Woo.
I will be honest - I am getting slightly paranoid about eating. I'm so frustrated with myself because I've started to maintain my weight on what I've been eating. And now I find myself over-estimating the calories on things quite frequently. Not by a lot, but maybe by 5-10 calories. I never thought much of it until it hit me that 5 to 10 calories overestimated at several meals on multiple things can add up really quickly. I'm making myself nuts over it! I've decided that the best way to fix it is to just stop doing it. Between today and tomorrow, I'm trying to figure out where and what I've been chronically over-estimating and just not do it anymore. Its one thing to say to myself "If the serving of cereal is 1 cup/205 calories, and I'm having 1/2 cup in my yogurt - Its 103 calories, I'll add it in as 105." Its just and easier number to keep track of in my mind. But its entirely different for me to consistently be rounding numbers up to the nearest 10,50, or 100. And I just need to force myself to stop doing that. Because if there is one thing I've learned, its that even as a mostly recovered anorexic - my portions do not err on the side of generous. I can admit that if I have a TBS of peanut butter, its not a heaped scoop. Or if I have a handful of raisins, it is not a packed handful. Yes, these may be things I need to work on. But for the time being, my biggest thing is to learn that I can trust myself to eat enough, without going overboard. I know with my history, that sounds ridiculous to be afraid of. But it is something I have always feared. I KNOW I can trust me, now I just need to put that into practice. And so today - I make a change. No more being nervous that I put too much peanut butter on my bread, no more fearing that the strawberry short cake a friend's mom made has a bit more calories than I intended to eat for a snack (cause you know, its never as much or as big a piece as we think!)
Today, I declare myself free from worry. I Today, I have decided that I will trust myself that much more, and that I will not be afraid of eating more one day than another. Because it all balances out eventually.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago