My 21st birthday is in just a few days.
I feel so afraid of this. One part of me is so, so proud. Since I was 17, every year I've been told I won't live to see the next birthday. And here I am. To be honest, I didn't expect to make it either. I've been having nightmares about dying. I think sub consciously, a part of me feels like I have some how cheated my own death by surviving so much (hello two heart failures before age 20?) And it frightens me now, to realize just how dissonant I was back then. I didn't even care if I was killing myself and I couldn't begin to conceive the idea that I was slowly and steadily losing more and more of my life.
Then I wake up now and realize what I've done. I'm glad to have grown and gotten better from it. But its still hard to really grasp that its been ten years since the ED started. Seven since I was originally diagnosed. Its just...agh. I don't know how to put into words, but everything seems surreal. Both my life entrenched with anorexia, and my life now. It feels like I've lived as two different people.
I wish I could be happier. I haven't enjoyed or celebrated my birthday in many many years - at least six? But I just can't seem to feel excited. Just lost. I should stop berating myself for all of this. I just wish I could feel the excitement that everyone else seems to feel on this day. But I have to work til 10PM and to be truthful, I don't have a group of friends to go drinkin' and dancing with. I have a few scattered friends here and there. But that's really it. I've been alone for so long. And now, here I am well enough that I should be able to have an awesome party and have a good time. But if I were to attempt such a thing, I would end up alone. So in my mind, this day isn't even worth celebrating. Its just another day. The only difference is that this one comes with an entire slew of reminders that I really don't want right now. At least I am working till 10PM so that will take my mind off of everything, and it makes me feel better about the lack of social outings that I have.
On the bright side, I'm at least planning on having a delicious bowl of chocolate brownie oat bran for brekkie. My first hot cereal of the season too!
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago