Monday, October 12, 2009

Counting down.

My 21st birthday is in just a few days.

I feel so afraid of this. One part of me is so, so proud. Since I was 17, every year I've been told I won't live to see the next birthday. And here I am. To be honest, I didn't expect to make it either. I've been having nightmares about dying. I think sub consciously, a part of me feels like I have some how cheated my own death by surviving so much (hello two heart failures before age 20?) And it frightens me now, to realize just how dissonant I was back then. I didn't even care if I was killing myself and I couldn't begin to conceive the idea that I was slowly and steadily losing more and more of my life.

Then I wake up now and realize what I've done. I'm glad to have grown and gotten better from it. But its still hard to really grasp that its been ten years since the ED started. Seven since I was originally diagnosed. Its just...agh. I don't know how to put into words, but everything seems surreal. Both my life entrenched with anorexia, and my life now. It feels like I've lived as two different people.

I wish I could be happier. I haven't enjoyed or celebrated my birthday in many many years - at least six? But I just can't seem to feel excited. Just lost. I should stop berating myself for all of this. I just wish I could feel the excitement that everyone else seems to feel on this day. But I have to work til 10PM and to be truthful, I don't have a group of friends to go drinkin' and dancing with. I have a few scattered friends here and there. But that's really it. I've been alone for so long. And now, here I am well enough that I should be able to have an awesome party and have a good time. But if I were to attempt such a thing, I would end up alone. So in my mind, this day isn't even worth celebrating. Its just another day. The only difference is that this one comes with an entire slew of reminders that I really don't want right now. At least I am working till 10PM so that will take my mind off of everything, and it makes me feel better about the lack of social outings that I have.

On the bright side, I'm at least planning on having a delicious bowl of chocolate brownie oat bran for brekkie. My first hot cereal of the season too!


  1. I totally oversaw you did a post!? Hmm.. I hope you will have a lovely day nonetheless!! I don't like celebrating my bday and most of the time just spend the day or evening with my mom!
    Btw take a look at my blog *hinthint* ;) Hope you have a good time!! Hug n.

  2. I wouldn't say not being excited about your birthday is an ED-related side effect or anything. Most of my birthdays have been rather boring or just like cake with my family. For some people, it's a big celebration and for others, it's just a day. I usually pick something I *know* I will be excited about and claim it as my "birthday gift," even if it's not really near my actual birth date. You make of it what you want to make of it.

    It's mostly perspective. I like to be reflective on my birthday and be grateful that I am alive. No one has to share in that. It's private and peaceful.

  3. Who says you have to celebrate on the exact day of your birthday? Have a nice cozy family celebration on a night you don't work, a nice dinner, some cake, some singing and presents. You deserve it more than anyone!
    I've never been too excited about my own birthday either. To be honest I think I just don't like all the attention, but I do like spending time with my family and actually love the chance to get together with everyone on OTHER family member's bdays haha. In fact we're celebrating my aunt's birthday on saturday by going to see Where the Wild things are and I'm so excited!
    Don't get too down about not having a ton of friends to go out with either, it's over rated anyways and so much nicer to spend your time with the few people you truly do care about. And of course me and everyone else here I"m sure are more than happy to celebrate with you! Virtual party?!

  4. Maybe you could pick another day and celebrate it then, in any way you like. Maybe you wanna have a nice dinner with some friends or just hang out...Maybe you wanna have a birthday cake with some people you love. Just do whatever feels right for you. A birthday is special, but it's only special if you're enjoying doesn't have to be a big party with 10000 people;)
    What's the date of your birthday? Because I would like to be able to 'celebrate' it online with you. I'm so proud of you and your situation this birthday...that must be so different than last year. You will turn 21, but have lived for more than 21 years already and have the wisdom and power of more years too

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)...

  5. Ummmmmm, WHAT!?!?!?!
    Not to be mean, but are you friggin kidding me! Its your berfday! That day you need to just not invite some 'peeps' to the party if you know what i mean. Homestly, if you dont drink in every minute of that wonderful day im going to be forced to get uber schwasted for the both of us, lol.

    Seriously though, i understand about it feelin like another day. Its like, you go through so much more inportant things in your life and something like a birthday kind of looses lack-luster. But, you need to know that without you these past few months would be really hard for so many people. You have been such an inspiration to so many and should celebrate that if nothing else. Who can say they have saved a life at the end of the day?

  6. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Am I too late?!
    Wow...we both have October birthdays! Cool!

    But honestly, haha, the older we get, the less thrilling birthdays are. nevertheless, I hope you had a good one, Tori! I think the world became brighter when you were born! :-)