Friday, October 30, 2009


Long time, no write lovelies! Sorry for my absence. Things have been SO crazy lately. Mostly in a good way, of course. but yes, very hectic. I've been building a rather gigantic sculpture out of recyclables and paper mache (woo!) and its coming along OK, but it does require a lot of prep and care. Plus, I'm trying to maintain my now barely-passing grade in algebra. Its hard but I believe I am a C- right now and I really don't want that to slip back down again. Most importantly though - I am surviving. Ups, downs, and in between.

I spent almost the whole day with the boy yesterday. We went out for dinner, and went to a show at Toad's Place in New Haven. We saw The Get-Up Kids (<3) and a few other bands. I had my first legal alcohol! I'm so proud of myself too - I had liquid calories! And I didn't even order a diet cola mixer. I had rum and regular Coke. I may or may not have had some of the boy's Long Island Iced Tea. Not a big fan of those I learned. A bit too sweet for my liking. Anyways! it was a really good time. I'm also proud of me for another reason. I usually go to the gum Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Well, I came home around 1AM. I'm working 10 to 6 (which means leaving home at 9:30 and getting home at 6:30). I have decided NOT to go to the gym today, but perhaps Saturday instead. I know it sound ridic, but I have been faithfully going to the gym those three days every week for months. With the exception of when I got a horrible cold - I've been pretty routine about it. But today, I'm doing what's best for ME and not rushing around like a nut when I'm tired. I can say that it feels a bit weird and I feel like I'm missing something. But, I also know I would be entirely miserable all day if I went this morning. So I'm not going. Learning flexibility! Woo.

I will be honest - I am getting slightly paranoid about eating. I'm so frustrated with myself because I've started to maintain my weight on what I've been eating. And now I find myself over-estimating the calories on things quite frequently. Not by a lot, but maybe by 5-10 calories. I never thought much of it until it hit me that 5 to 10 calories overestimated at several meals on multiple things can add up really quickly. I'm making myself nuts over it! I've decided that the best way to fix it is to just stop doing it. Between today and tomorrow, I'm trying to figure out where and what I've been chronically over-estimating and just not do it anymore. Its one thing to say to myself "If the serving of cereal is 1 cup/205 calories, and I'm having 1/2 cup in my yogurt - Its 103 calories, I'll add it in as 105." Its just and easier number to keep track of in my mind. But its entirely different for me to consistently be rounding numbers up to the nearest 10,50, or 100. And I just need to force myself to stop doing that. Because if there is one thing I've learned, its that even as a mostly recovered anorexic - my portions do not err on the side of generous. I can admit that if I have a TBS of peanut butter, its not a heaped scoop. Or if I have a handful of raisins, it is not a packed handful. Yes, these may be things I need to work on. But for the time being, my biggest thing is to learn that I can trust myself to eat enough, without going overboard. I know with my history, that sounds ridiculous to be afraid of. But it is something I have always feared. I KNOW I can trust me, now I just need to put that into practice. And so today - I make a change. No more being nervous that I put too much peanut butter on my bread, no more fearing that the strawberry short cake a friend's mom made has a bit more calories than I intended to eat for a snack (cause you know, its never as much or as big a piece as we think!)

Today, I declare myself free from worry. I Today, I have decided that I will trust myself that much more, and that I will not be afraid of eating more one day than another. Because it all balances out eventually.


  1. Oh, that overestimating counting calories shizz. :( It's true that it does add up in the long run--what we OVERcount, but it IS easier to keep track with 'whole' numbers. Sigh. It's best to just eat intuitively, I guess? I know you can do it, Tori! That bit about where you decided not to go to the gym because you were tired... :) You're not letting ED and any routine get you down!


  2. This made me realize that it's EXACTLY what I do.
    I round basically anything about 70 calories up to 100 calories to make it easier to count in my head. But I do that all day WONDER I've been unable to maintain on a maintenance amount of calories. DUH LAURA!!

    I'm glad to hear you're doing well though!!! Keep up the amazing work, and try not to disappear from us for TOO long =]


  3. Just a tip on rounding/estimating-because it IS totally logical to not want to ocunt XX2,3 calories: you can continue with the "reasonable thinking" non-ED style and know that "one half of 205 is about 100" [like a PERSON would think..
    ...or stick with ED-style and say "closer to 105."

    Just something to think about as you choose how you make use of your tools...calories your way or ED's way, ya know?

    hugs, Nell

  4. I'm so proud of you for all of this! For living your life and enjoying it, for having fun with the boy, for drinking some nice calories, for being honest to yourself about overestimating and for doing something about that. I agree with you; just stop doing it before it becomes a new habit. You're doing great and I'm sending you lots of virtual hugs for it! You're special and you're strong:)

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  5. I know exactly what your talking about with the overestination thing, and I can tell you that with me, that meant it was time to trust myself, take a dive, and stop counting. I still measured certain things, but when the counting stopped, so did the worry. It brought me that much closer to trusting my own body to tell me i've had enough, rather than a number.

  6. Tori, nice to see a post from you again! I've got my blog up and running (for the most part, hahah) again too.

    Anyway, I know what you mean about overestimating. Sometimes if I'm too busy to spend time counting every exact number I'll just do something like rounding a 520 calorie meal to 550. What we may not realise when we do this is that every little bit counts, and if we "miscount" 30 calories from all our meals and snacks, it can really add up to a big loss. Heck, that would be almost 200 if you ate three squares and three snacks. I have started to really get strict with myself about doing that. If my snack needs to be 400, 370 is not going to cut it. I have just found little ways to add in extra and I've stuck to them. It's not always the most convenient, but at this point in our lives, we really need to think about what's best for us, and overestimating is not helping us out at all.

    Great job on listening to your body! Skipping the gym for me used to be nearly impossible, but nowadays I can even take an "off day" when I'm not even feeling sick. It's so freeing. I'm so proud of you girl - you are straight on the road to health, I know it!

  7. i am so happy you posted girl! your revelations are always nice to read, because you know what you need to do in order to get healthy and it seems you really try to follow through. We all need to trust our bodies more and listen to them...happiness is when we trust and never worry.


  8. Wooop this post made me so happy - sounds like your having a wonderful time right now Tori, even if you are super busy! Most importantly you're living life without compromising on your health. This is something that I have struggled with for years so its so inspiring to hear about how your coping with it all.

    Trusting our bodies is one of the hardest things to do, but its so rewarding... both physically and emotionally.

    Take care and keep smiling :)
    xo Hannah

    ps Thank you so much for your comment on my post the other day - it was exactly what I needed to read, and made a lot of difference.

  9. I know what you mean with the rounding thing... I've heard that overweight people who are counting calories tend to round down while people suffering from ED's tend to round up. I missed your posts though! I hope you're back for good. :)

  10. Tori,
    you are so amazing, 1st of all for doing what your body wanted and letting it rest when you felt exhausted and you didnt push your self today to go to the gym, you should be so proud lovie.
    and i can so relate, to the over estimating, omg, while reading this i thought wow i really must re think what i eat and that yes, through the course of my day 5 cals here and there will def be like 40 or more i find myself counting cinnamon as way more than it is and apples,and just round up... etc idk...well thank you for being so honest, like the tori i know and love :) it is so amazing how your honesty can help someone realize something in themselves...i admire you so so much!


  11. i could relate so much to the over estimating things, like i will add up like 10 calories for spices when its obvi prob like 4 if any! :/ so stupid and it adds up..prob getting like 20-40 cals less a day with everything i over estimate?!! i am def going to really think bout it... as u said it all balances out when u do the right thing!

    i am so so proud and inspired so much by u and all the things i hear that u are ED ASS KICKING :P ;) !!!! u are amazzzeeee! so much to be proud of girl! :)

    and u are making such great steps in such a great direction its astonishing!

    XO love you

    p.s good luck with the algebra(HATE MATH!!) and strawberry shortcake! yumm! i can tell u are a strawberry shortcake kinda girl ;) lol.

  12. Free of worry is amazing. YOU are amazing.

  13. Tori, congrats on taking a sip, or two or three, of that alcohol. You had a good tie and that is nothing to feel guilty about! You’re living life, actually LIVING it! Same with the whole learning to be flexible thing, ED doesn’t allow us to be flexible at all with its’ rigid rules and rituals. The fact that you are listening to your body and doing what is convenient to TORI is so admirable. Way to get in touch with yourself, my love.

    I can relate to the rounding SO much. I always find myself doing the exact same thing, and by the end of a day I’ve probably overestimated a total of 100 calories... maybe more? :/ That can make a difference. I’m always afraid of overeating and going overboard as well, or eating calories without my knowledge. It is crazy. And so obsessive.

    I think the declaring yourself free from worry will do you wonders. You deserve to be carefree. You are too smart and inspirational, and BEAUTIFUL for this illness.

    Much love,