It looks as if everything is pretty much in my favor these days. I'm making friends at school, even at work. I go out and have fun with friends. I'm doing well in Sculpture and I'm at least passing Algebra enough to get credit for the course. I'm eating well enough. It takes some serious planning on the days I work due to the crazy hours, but I'm doing it.
And I am scared out of my mind. I'm not sure why. I cried myself to sleep last night. I don't know where the tears came from, but I got home from work, curled up with a pillow and just cried. I feel like I can't keep this up forever, and I'm terrified that the day the ball drops will be coming soon. I have such a hard time accepting that this all real. That I am truly at XXX lbs, eating XXXX calories a day, and doing okay. It just doesn't seem possible in my mind at times. It feels like I am stuck in a safety bubble, looking out from within its clear and ever so slightly rainbow tinted encasement. Touching the world through the translucent skin that protects me from damages of the everyday.
I hate planning what I eat. Its frustrating and time consuming. I usually end up eating the same thing for days at a time because I just don't have time to figure out other ways to reach what I need. And it makes me feel like I am still so, so entrenched. Like I'm just balancing myself between recovery and ED. I know in reality, its not true. I've taken myself out for spur of the moment Starbucks lovin', eaten food from the mini-food court in my store. Things I never would have done awhile ago. But still. I feel like I'm stuck. I'm scared of what will come to be when I move out from this protective zone I've managed to build that keeps me safe from reality. I cannot always be calculating to such great ends. Its just not what I want to do with my free time. But what will happen when I get fed up, and decide to just let it go? I don't know. I do know I am reaching that point. I am afraid its a sign that the AN is trying to worm back in. I'm scared that I still can't truly trust myself to eat enough day in and day out. I know at some point, I have got to try to fly. Even if I crash and burn, I know I will not create the wreckage I did last year, and that if I do start to slip, I will have the strength and resolve to pick myself up before things get bad. I KNOW this. So why am I still so depressed? And why do I keep questioning whether or not I truly have the strength and resolve to keep going?
I think a part of it may be that my birthday is in 16 days. I'm turning twenty one.
I know, I know. Traditionally, this is one birthday everyone gets excited for. And a part of me is.
Another part of me is horrified. I'm twenty one and a college freshman. It hits me now just how much time I wasted, how much I lost. Many times over the course of the last year, I literally forgot that I was even 20. I still felt like I was 18, 19. Its because I spent so much time in a world where everything was on pause. I wasn't living my life. I was fighting for it. It never struck me that the rest of the world was moving forward and changing. But I see it now. I know I can't go back and fix it. I can never get back the years I lost to this illness. I try not to let it break me up inside. But when I realize how old I am, and I remember how much different I dreamt of life being at this point in time, its saddening. I wanted things to be so much different. I do not regret my mistakes. I really don't. They've led me to be the person I am now, and they've brought me many good friends. But after seeing it all fall apart so many times, its just hard to really believe that this year can be different. Sometimes I don't even believe I'm really still alive - that's how surreal my life has become. I yearn to trust it, and to have faith that yes, this will be a good year. The year I finally eat cake on my birthday and drink (cheap) liquor with friends. The year when I finally free myself from this constraint.
I obviously still put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to excel in every thing I do. *sigh* At least I know what I want, and that should offer me some sense of direction. I just wish this would all stop feeling like a dream so I could really believe this state of health and contentment was here to stay, and not something that I was going to lose.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago