Monday, October 5, 2009

Pushing Up.

I am exhausted. I think all together, in the past week I've gotten about 5 hours over time on top of my 25 hour work schedule. That's a lot considering I have class five days a week and also go out with the boys at least three nights a week as well. Its all good stuff truly, I feel happier than I have in ages. But, I am still tired.

I really wanted to thank everyone for the support on my last post. I admit, I had been struggling in finding the strength to keep gaining and get a few more pounds on. It just seemed too difficult with my schedule. So I decided to just amp it up a notch for the next few weeks so I can gain a bit faster. Sure, it's a bit harder for right now, but it means I'll have it done with that much sooner and can get to a more normal life a bit more quickly. Sometimes I kick myself for not pushing right along through up to XXX back in April, because I have so much more to do now. But at the same time, I think taking the time to adjust, and to learn to appreciate my body more has helped prevent me from relapsing. I've not weighed as much as I do now in about seven years. I don't want to sound triggering, but it still amazes me that people consider me to be so thin. Every now and again, I catch a glimpse and I realize that yes - I am still very, very thin and do need to gain weight. But when I'm eating as much as I am - I sometimes actually forget that I'm anorexic (I ate THREE peanut butter sandwiches yesterday. In addition to 3 meals and two other snacks) because many of the people I know now have no idea about my ED. And even those who do tend to forget about it entirely. For instance, dear D wants to see me do battle against one of his friends at the All-You-Can-Eat-Pancakes day at IHOP. o.0 I might actually go for it though. I reminded him that I do kind of have an ED and don't generally eat THAT much in one sitting, I tend to spread it out over the course of a day. D's response - "Well, just don't eat as much earlier that day so you can beat C and show him who's boss." I love that he is slowly making me more normal in terms of eating habits. I'm learning that while part of recovery is preparation (like bringing snacks every where you go) - part of it is also learning to eat like other people do; when they have the time and opportunity to. It doesn't matter if I eat a 600 calorie breakfast and a 900 calorie dinner or vice versa - as long as I eat enough throughout the day to sustain myself.

To prove my point, here's what I ate as a snack at 11PM last night after work:

Oh yes I did. DCD and banana sandwich. Because girl needed an extra little something, and why the hell shouldn't I eat after my 6 hour shift? The only reason I usually don't is because my anorexic mind screams "Its too late for food." Well, too bad. BTW I melted it in the microwave after I took the picture. Best. Idea. Ever.


  1. so proud of you girly for recognizing that you have to gain a few more lbs...i have seem pics of you, and yes i do agree you do look super thin and it is unbelievable that you were ever so much less...i hope that wasn't triggering lovie, but you know what i mean...its just like some girls i have seen in IP that are getting discharged and i am like urgg no fair they look like they could be coming in. :)
    well ha a pancake eating contest, go for it girly! :) that would be so fun and amazing, an anorexic winning would be such a cool thing!!!
    you are too cute. and dcd and banana sounds delicious as hell! and warmed in the micro i got that idea from you ;) from other posts, and it is so goood, also lara bars in the micro amazing! haha


  2. Tori! you are soo inspiring! everything you wrote about just made me smile, it just seems like with every day every new update on your life on your blog, you are getting farther and farther from ed and it just makes me so happy to see how strong, determined and dedicated you are..not to mention your new freedom, and all your fun opportunities!(umm..pancake eating contest!) GO FOR IT GIRLY! i wanna see this ahha...i should came JK...but seriously that would be so awesome if you won! :P
    love that DCD and nana putting pbj's in the micro and laras too ;) inspired by you! :)


  3. Gah, Tori! You are amazing and inspirational and I just want to hug you!
    You know what? There IS nothing wrong with eating late at night and there is nothing wrong with having those 900 cal meals.
    My ED sometimes tries to make me think it is bad to have a certain amount of all my calories in one sitting so sometimes I won't make the calories that day because it is not "okay".. but I NEED to make my cals, don't I?
    And you wanted that DCD sammie and you had it!
    Good Job, Tori. I admire you so much. You just inspired me and have given me the extra push to eat what I want WHEN I want and HOW I want.

    thank you for the comment the other day, it helped me.. as always.

  4. I read about your doubts on CC and I'm glad you made the choice to push a little extra. I think it's great you decided this yourself to get yourself to a truly healthy state of being.
    There's nothing wrong AT ALL with eating late in the evening, I always do it myself and have always done it before. It's normal. And you're totally right about the balance between preparing yourself with taking eats and finding foods 'on the go' and change things a bit, as long as it's the same amount at the end of the day.

    I love that you're living and doing all these things and I'm so proud of you for that! You're honest and always an inspiration:) Never forget that you're a special girl...

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  5. Tori this was such a beautiful post to read. You are so inspiring and strong - you deserve to gain those few extra pounds and all the happiness that they will bring you!
    I'm in awe of how you manage to juggle all the things going on in your life on top of your recovery! Superwoman? I think so. Oh and for what its worth, I totally think you should show those boys who'd boss in the pancake contest :P
    Hope you had a good start to the week :)
    xoxo Hannah

  6. Wow! I just started reading your blog, and you are so inspiring. I understand about how people "forget" you have an ED. It's happening to me too, like bc I've been in recovery for 2 yrs and maintained a healthy weight, that people don't realize it still makes me crazy when someone is commenting on how calorie-dense my snack is, when in fact, it really is not. But I'm glad you're starting to adjust to a "normal" people lifestyle. Food should be fun, it's part of social life and enjoying friends. :-) Have a good day

  7. This is priceless:

    "part of recovery is preparation (like bringing snacks every where you go) - part of it is also learning to eat like other people do; when they have the time and opportunity to"

    Exactly what I'm realizing-and embracing-as I determine to ditch ED for good...yet realize just completely "winging it" leaves me hanging.
    Prepare for "my needs."
    But flex for the life I am choosing.


  8. I love how you have a positive outlook on everything. It's really inspiring, and leaves me in such a positive mind set.
    Thank you so much.

  9. Your positivity and outlook...WOW. Thank you, Tori:) You're like a reminder to all of us that we CAN eat the things we like, do what's best for our body. NO matter what ED screams.

    Go for the IHOP challenge! My bet's on you:)

    Have a great week ahead, you wonderful girl!

  10. good for you tori! so happy to hear you are realising what needs to be done. i can imagine that it nust be damn hard when having a metabolism like yours to gain all that weight but love remember you are one lucky person to be that way. i guess most people on this planet would die to have that. so just try to see the postivie side of it that you never need to worry about eating too much cause you know your body works really well in metabolizing food.
    i am right behind you every step of the way and i respect you so much for everything you do.
    keep pushig forward!
    loads of love


  11. Oh Tori, I love you and you're amazing, girl! I know I haven't commented in a while, but I think that's a good thing. You've just been doing so well I haven't needed to post! I'm sort of in the same place, I go back and forth between forgetting about ed entirely but then realizing I still need those last 5 lbs. It just sucks that to get there it takes so much damn food that you kind of have to get sucked back into thinking and planning.
    I also have recently started dating an amazing guy (yayayayay!!! message me if you want to hear more juicy details =D ) and that helps so much. I can't always stick to my schedule, we go out, we eat at odd times, he cooks for me and he also pokes fun at how much I can eat and I have to learn to laugh at it. At the same time it's making me a lot more body conscious that I have been in a while but I think it's also good to confront those issues too.
    I hope everything keeps going well for you and tell Walmart to let you off once in a while!

  12. Yay Tori!! I'm so glad to read that you're doing so much better!!! All-You-Can-Eat *shudder* sounds interesting!! You should definitely do it!! Even if it's just to punch ED in it's face!! :D
    Your entire post sounds so positive!! I'm so happy for you!!! Keep going!! You're just awesome!! Hug n.

  13. Okay, i may be jealous but D is okay in my book. Also, what is this IHOP challenge you speak of? Is it going on now? cause i might have to fly up there and partake of this wonderment. You know how i love the p-cakes!

    Also, i made a dedication to you on my last video post. Check it out and know THAT is how much you inspire me!

  14. Oh man, I think we have that down here too. I might have to take another shot and of I do I will not fail. also do you have an email account? I would Love to keep in touch

  15. Hi Tori. I read what you said about being tired all the time, and I can only suggest one thing. This has nothing to do with denying yourself or dieting. I'm just saying that some people, like me, find that sugar and refined carbs sap their energy. I'm fond of saying that I don't eat sugar, it eats me. Nothing in the way of fresh fruit and veg will ever bother me, nor things with strong ingredients like Larabars, nor protein foods like cheese and eggs, but things like granola, nutella, white bread, potato chips, soda pop, will leave me yawning within minutes, so I avoid them if I have to get a lot done or take a test. I hope that helps. I wish you a beautiful journey toward recovery, discovery, joy and success.