I am exhausted. I think all together, in the past week I've gotten about 5 hours over time on top of my 25 hour work schedule. That's a lot considering I have class five days a week and also go out with the boys at least three nights a week as well. Its all good stuff truly, I feel happier than I have in ages. But, I am still tired.
I really wanted to thank everyone for the support on my last post. I admit, I had been struggling in finding the strength to keep gaining and get a few more pounds on. It just seemed too difficult with my schedule. So I decided to just amp it up a notch for the next few weeks so I can gain a bit faster. Sure, it's a bit harder for right now, but it means I'll have it done with that much sooner and can get to a more normal life a bit more quickly. Sometimes I kick myself for not pushing right along through up to XXX back in April, because I have so much more to do now. But at the same time, I think taking the time to adjust, and to learn to appreciate my body more has helped prevent me from relapsing. I've not weighed as much as I do now in about seven years. I don't want to sound triggering, but it still amazes me that people consider me to be so thin. Every now and again, I catch a glimpse and I realize that yes - I am still very, very thin and do need to gain weight. But when I'm eating as much as I am - I sometimes actually forget that I'm anorexic (I ate THREE peanut butter sandwiches yesterday. In addition to 3 meals and two other snacks) because many of the people I know now have no idea about my ED. And even those who do tend to forget about it entirely. For instance, dear D wants to see me do battle against one of his friends at the All-You-Can-Eat-Pancakes day at IHOP. o.0 I might actually go for it though. I reminded him that I do kind of have an ED and don't generally eat THAT much in one sitting, I tend to spread it out over the course of a day. D's response - "Well, just don't eat as much earlier that day so you can beat C and show him who's boss." I love that he is slowly making me more normal in terms of eating habits. I'm learning that while part of recovery is preparation (like bringing snacks every where you go) - part of it is also learning to eat like other people do; when they have the time and opportunity to. It doesn't matter if I eat a 600 calorie breakfast and a 900 calorie dinner or vice versa - as long as I eat enough throughout the day to sustain myself.
To prove my point, here's what I ate as a snack at 11PM last night after work:
Oh yes I did. DCD and banana sandwich. Because girl needed an extra little something, and why the hell shouldn't I eat after my 6 hour shift? The only reason I usually don't is because my anorexic mind screams "Its too late for food." Well, too bad. BTW I melted it in the microwave after I took the picture. Best. Idea. Ever.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago