So its my birthday today. And honestly, I am MUCH happier and feel 100X better than I thought I would. I went out with the boy last night and had such a great time. We went out to Panera Bread for dinner and then saw "Where the Wild Things Are" - great movie BTW. So! I've never been to Panera before, and I have to say I am really proud of myself. I polished off an entire Mediterranean Veggie sandwich whilst boy ate a half sandwich/soup combo. I also ate not one but two candy bars during the movie, because I knew I needed the calories and hell, I love peppermint patties and 3 musketeer bars. I couldn't decide between the two, so I said 'Eh, its your birthday. Enjoy it. You don't need to eat 100% clean all the time. Its just like having a larabar and trail mix. Except these aren't made with fruit." Haha I know, not *really* but hey. I enjoyed it very much. I also decided to make a Happy Birthday Breakfast this morning:
Cocoa-Coconut Brownie oatbran! Yes, I know. I admit to wondering if I was overdoing the chocolate business, but A. Its my birthday and this is possibly my fave. oat creation. And B. I hardly ever eat candy or anything like that, so once again - "fuck it". I took 1/3 cup oat bran, mixed it wtih 1TBS unsweetened cocoa powder, a pinch of cinnamon and cooked in 1/2 c. milk and a bit more than 1/4 cup water. About half way through, I mashed in a sliced banana, stirred in very well and finished cooking. Then I topped it with a handful of almonds, a scoop of coconut flakes and two tablespoons of White Chocolate wonderful. Soo good.
I really want to say thank you to all the people who left comments on my last post. I had been feeling down, but you guys really helped me remember than just because I have lost the past doesn't mean anything for what's happening right now in the present, or what may come in the future. There's still so much to live for. And if I hadn't struggled and lost the things that I had, I would never be as grateful as I am now.
The best thing I've gained over this year (other than you all of course!) is the strength and confidence in myself that recovering has given me, as well as forgiveness and acceptance. I have always been really hard on myself, as I'm sure many of us are. But recovering has taught me that we all mistakes. There have been days where I've accidently eaten more than I had planned for, and days where I haven't quite met my calorie goals. In the past, I would berate myself and be furious, or let the slip under cause me to continue under-eating more and more. Not anymore. I was 100 calories over/under yesterday? Eh, oh well. It balances out anyways. I don't let those exact numbers rule me anymore. And that has transcended into all areas of my life. I say something a tiny bit too sassy and it upsets someone? Eh, oh well. I realize now that it's not my fault if they take me too seriously. I don't hate myself for being me anymore. I also no longer defeat myself before I even begin. In my mind, I can do whatever I decide I want to do. I know that I am perfectly capable of anything I want to achieve. I cannot express how much different I feel, knowing that I've done what I've done and overcome the things I have. This time last year, if you told me I'd be eating dinner at Panera Bread and eating candy at the movies, I'd have thought you were crazy. And there it is - I did it. I truly believe all things are possible if given time, opportunity and proper dedication.
Something beautiful I want to share:
There is a man who comes to my work every week to buy a gallon of milk. He has been paying me with quarters, dimes, nickels. He's foreign and I usually help him count out the coinage. Last night, he stood in line to come to my register for ten minutes. The other registers were barren but he stayed in my line. No one else offered to check him out - I am the only one who seems to have had the patience to count coin for him. As he got to check out, a huge grin spread on his face. He pulled out a wad of cash, and said to me "I wanted you to know I don't have to pay in coins anymore." as he handed me a $20. He could have used a few singles or a five, but he was so proud of having a bigger bill, he just had to use it. He was the happiest looking man I saw my entire shift and having him be my last customer for the night made me really happy. I feel like that is the best birthday gift I've ever gotten.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago