Saturday, October 17, 2009

Twenty One.

So its my birthday today. And honestly, I am MUCH happier and feel 100X better than I thought I would. I went out with the boy last night and had such a great time. We went out to Panera Bread for dinner and then saw "Where the Wild Things Are" - great movie BTW. So! I've never been to Panera before, and I have to say I am really proud of myself. I polished off an entire Mediterranean Veggie sandwich whilst boy ate a half sandwich/soup combo. I also ate not one but two candy bars during the movie, because I knew I needed the calories and hell, I love peppermint patties and 3 musketeer bars. I couldn't decide between the two, so I said 'Eh, its your birthday. Enjoy it. You don't need to eat 100% clean all the time. Its just like having a larabar and trail mix. Except these aren't made with fruit." Haha I know, not *really* but hey. I enjoyed it very much. I also decided to make a Happy Birthday Breakfast this morning:

Cocoa-Coconut Brownie oatbran! Yes, I know. I admit to wondering if I was overdoing the chocolate business, but A. Its my birthday and this is possibly my fave. oat creation. And B. I hardly ever eat candy or anything like that, so once again - "fuck it". I took 1/3 cup oat bran, mixed it wtih 1TBS unsweetened cocoa powder, a pinch of cinnamon and cooked in 1/2 c. milk and a bit more than 1/4 cup water. About half way through, I mashed in a sliced banana, stirred in very well and finished cooking. Then I topped it with a handful of almonds, a scoop of coconut flakes and two tablespoons of White Chocolate wonderful. Soo good.

I really want to say thank you to all the people who left comments on my last post. I had been feeling down, but you guys really helped me remember than just because I have lost the past doesn't mean anything for what's happening right now in the present, or what may come in the future. There's still so much to live for. And if I hadn't struggled and lost the things that I had, I would never be as grateful as I am now.

The best thing I've gained over this year (other than you all of course!) is the strength and confidence in myself that recovering has given me, as well as forgiveness and acceptance. I have always been really hard on myself, as I'm sure many of us are. But recovering has taught me that we all mistakes. There have been days where I've accidently eaten more than I had planned for, and days where I haven't quite met my calorie goals. In the past, I would berate myself and be furious, or let the slip under cause me to continue under-eating more and more. Not anymore. I was 100 calories over/under yesterday? Eh, oh well. It balances out anyways. I don't let those exact numbers rule me anymore. And that has transcended into all areas of my life. I say something a tiny bit too sassy and it upsets someone? Eh, oh well. I realize now that it's not my fault if they take me too seriously. I don't hate myself for being me anymore. I also no longer defeat myself before I even begin. In my mind, I can do whatever I decide I want to do. I know that I am perfectly capable of anything I want to achieve. I cannot express how much different I feel, knowing that I've done what I've done and overcome the things I have. This time last year, if you told me I'd be eating dinner at Panera Bread and eating candy at the movies, I'd have thought you were crazy. And there it is - I did it. I truly believe all things are possible if given time, opportunity and proper dedication.

Something beautiful I want to share:
There is a man who comes to my work every week to buy a gallon of milk. He has been paying me with quarters, dimes, nickels. He's foreign and I usually help him count out the coinage. Last night, he stood in line to come to my register for ten minutes. The other registers were barren but he stayed in my line. No one else offered to check him out - I am the only one who seems to have had the patience to count coin for him. As he got to check out, a huge grin spread on his face. He pulled out a wad of cash, and said to me "I wanted you to know I don't have to pay in coins anymore." as he handed me a $20. He could have used a few singles or a five, but he was so proud of having a bigger bill, he just had to use it. He was the happiest looking man I saw my entire shift and having him be my last customer for the night made me really happy. I feel like that is the best birthday gift I've ever gotten.


  1. happy birthday! and i am so happy for you =)

    Gina G

  2. happy birthday!!! that is the best oatmeal birthday bowl ever! should have put a candle on top ;) but i am sure your day will be full of so much more lovely things and memories to celebrate your day. not only Tori, is this a celebration of your birthday but a celebration of your recovery and progress! i love hearing about all the challenges you have conquered and your fuck it attitude towards ed is freaking amazing! and not eating 100 % clean all the time...sososososo great thats what its all about! normalcy and just enjoying life without that ed voice being in control. :) so inspiring. i may just go get a peppermint patty today :) my fav :) love freezing them lol.

    loved the story about the man with the coins, so beautiful and touching!

    enjoy your day girl!


    that bowl of oat bran sure looks like the PERFECT b-day brekkie!!
    i am so so proud of you lovie, this post was so nice, and you just sound so happy! i love that sandwich at panera bread, its so delicious, and peppermint patties my fav! as Maya said i may have to just to go have one today, ;)
    you are so right, not eating pure/clean all the time is normal, and people shouldn't deprive themselves of things that they truly love, without ed's stupid opinion on the food :P!!
    enjoy your b-day beautiful girl, you deserve the world, for all the hard work you have conquered this year and all the progress you have made, this day should be celebrated like no other b-day you have ever had! :D sending you a birthday hug!!


  4. I'm so glad you let yourself have an amazing birthday! I'm usually like you in terms of the not eating candy thing, but I've loosened up a little bit during recovery... I love the story about the man with the coins though, absolutely beautiful.

  5. YES! "Expect the unexpected." Love Panera, and I really want to see that movie! My parents' favorite sammie is the Mediterranean Veggie, so excellent choice ;)

    Your take on the balancing of calories over a period of days is just right. I mean, sometimes we have a really busy day, expend more calories, need more calories. Sometimes we have a restful day and may not be as hungry. We aren't as rigid as calculators!

    Most importantly, thank you for sharing that story with us. I am going to save it because it lit up my entire face. We take small moments for granted so easily, but he didn't (and neither did you).

  6. Happy Birthday!!!! You've learned a lot of valuable lessons over the past year, wonderful to see the changes :-)

    That story about the man is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things Ive heard in a long time.
    Enjoy the rest of your day, xoxo

  7. Haapppppppppppy Birthday! X2...celebrating life, and then a resurrection of that life!

    WTG with the candy and're logical thinking [which takes practice to "feel" I know!] is right on--there's a time and a place for EVERYTHING. Nutritious calories are great...but when that's all that is allowed all it does is trap your life, and nothing for your health.
    Heck, I can honest to goodness say I don't care for chocolate [have always wondered how it could be so appealing to the masses-sorry!], but one day at work I just had a hankering, so why not? Bring on the candy bars...and for me it was after the trail mix.
    No difference in the big picture of life EXCEPT for being able to get more out of life!

    Thanks also for the reminder of the celebration that takes place once the change has had a chance to manifest itself. I know for me, I want to see the tables turn the day of the decision. A couple days later, if it's not the "new life" I've chosen, I want to screw it all, go back to ground 0, and try again.
    This post reminds me that I can never see that transformation if I don't stay steady and strong so the "turning of tables" has a chance to kick in!

    <3 Nell

  8. Happy Birthday girly,
    you are such an inspiration.

  9. happy bday love, and that story brought a tear to my eyes. like oh my god, how awesome it must felt to know you had something to do with that..your a kind and wonderful person and deserve so much and more :)


  10. Hapy Birthday my dear, an so glad you enjoyed it... and yes, 3 musketeers are awesome, although im more of a Reese Peices man myself. If nothing else, let the man waiting in the line just for YOU be a reminder of how you deserve special things sometimes. You get what you give... and you certainly give a lot.

    There is one thing wrong here though. You call it cocoa-coconut oats? That would be wrong. Those were totally 'Almond Joy Oats'. Sometimes you feel like a nut ;P

  11. Happy birthday!!! I'm so glad you're enjoying this day and so proud of all the progress you've made this year! And you having a good time at Panera, going to the movie: that's how it should be! Way to go Tori!

    And that story really touched me...Remember those little things, because they tell a lot about you! You're a special girl (and you know how special you are for me because you 'gave' me the first step to my new life)!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  12. happy birthday! enjoy yourself!

  13. First, happy birthday!
    I want to let you know that you have been a role model since I met you on CC :)

    And since I read your blog, I always wanted to try your oatmeal bowl with coconut! Today I didn't forget and bought some coconut :)
    Can't wait to try it.

    I loved the story with the man, so touching!


  14. happy birthday beautiful!!!! this post made my sunday morning even more beautiful than it already is. i hope you read what i wrote on your facebook wall hun ;) make it happen! its all in your hands!
    i am so proud of you!!!
    loads of love

  15. HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY!
    sounds like you had a lovely birthday :)

    i've actually been lurking for a while now, but i've finally gotten my own wordpress account so i can now COMMENT! :D Is it okay if i link your blog from mine?

    -Maggie :)
    (from singapore!!! half a world away, haha :D )

  16. HAPPY HAPPY Birthday, Tori! <3 You deserve a fantastic 21st b'day, for coming so far, you super girl :D

    (Psst, left you an award on my blog...sorta like a b'day prezzie...LOVE ya!)

  17. I'm usually a girl who is good with words, my best outlet for expression is through writing. But right now, I can't really express how happy and proud I am for you through the computer. I just want to run up to you and give you a massive hug for all your hard work, positivity and all-round amazingness right now! Have an incredibly Happy Birthday Tori, you fucking deserve it more than anyone sweetie xxxxxx

    yay for blogging giving you your strength back girlie :) thats awesome!

  19. Happy Birthday Girl! Hope u had a faaaab day, the end sounded so unexpectedly great!
    check out my new blog if u get a chance!

  20. Happy Birthday, Tori!
    I hope your day was amazing, you deserve it, beautiful!

    You have always been my role model. Since I started reading your blog.
    Your strength, your determination have been such an inspiration to me. I am not lying right now, If I would have never come across you on CC... I don't know where I would be in my ED.
    So many of the things you have said have given me that little "umph" of motivation to take small challenges that made a big difference.

    You are so right about not being EXACT to the numbers all the time. We are beyond numbers and perfection.

    That story touched my heart.

    Love you Tori!

  21. So lovely, we share the same birthday!