Blogger is being a pain in the butt and not letting me comment on people's blogs. I'm terribly annoyed - there is so much I feel like I need to say. So, given that I have the entire day today off from school and work (yeeahhh boy!) I'm going to write a post touching on all the topics I feel need to be spoken about.
I have seen so many of us struggling lately. I empathize with all of you greatly. I truly do. This time last year - I though 95 pounds was the perfect goal weight for my height. I'm 5'8". We all know that was absurd. But it was what my eating disorder told me was the upper limit of acceptable.
It was very challenging to get past that weight. But in time, I began to see what I really looked like and realized how much more I truly needed to gain. And by time, I mean over the course of 6 or 7 months. When I was twenty pounds lighter than I am now, I looked in the mirror and saw someone ten times larger than the person that I see looking back at me now. Doesn't that tell you something? It takes time, weight restoration and continued nutrition for the eating disordered thoughts and perceptions to fade. For the time being, you have to recognize that what you see and sometimes think is not based on reality or truth - but rather a conditioned response created by the eating disorder. You can recondition yourself to think and feel differently about your life, your body and yourself as a person. But, like all things, it will not happen overnight. And it sucks to have to deal with it. I'm the first one to admit - recovering is fuckin' hard. It doesn't really get perceivably better until you are nearing the finish line. Even the last five pounds I gained recently were hard. I waffled on my decision to gain more weight for weeks. But after going back to school and work - I saw what REAL people looked like and I was far too thin in comparison. And I can tell you, it still amazes me now how much different my perception and feelings towards my body are these days as compared to ten months ago. But the point is - you do it anyways. Despite how hard it can feel. Because you know what - no matter what you do, your eating disorder is going to make you miserable. You might as well suffer on with its abuses knowing full well that it's screaming so hard because one day, sooner than you think, you will have a life to call your own again. That's how I had to look at it and it helped me a lot to remind myself that one day, all of the hurt and negativity would be gone and that I would be happy. Its hard to believe, I'm sure. But if you knew how miserable I was in my eating disorder, you'd know that for me to be able to say any of these things in truth is incredible. For the longest time, I punished and abused myself because of how negatively I felt towards my own existence. I didn't think I was worthy of the negligible amount of space I took up on the earth, I felt I was a burden and a useless one at that. I believed that the starvation and OC exercising would somehow cleanse me and make it right for me to be alive. I kept waiting for the day where I would wake up, look in the mirror and see someone who I felt was worth living for.
That day never came while I was entrenched in my eating disorder. That day did not come while I was still struggling to come around in my recovery. That day has come now that I am at a healthier weight and have long since overcome my fears and continue to do the things that I want to do for ME every single day. We have to make peace with this fact, or else we never get anywhere.
I can honestly say, I look in the mirror now and while its sometimes hard to believe its really me, I always see someone I think is beautiful.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago