Friday, November 6, 2009

Sigh.

Blogger is being a pain in the butt and not letting me comment on people's blogs. I'm terribly annoyed - there is so much I feel like I need to say. So, given that I have the entire day today off from school and work (yeeahhh boy!) I'm going to write a post touching on all the topics I feel need to be spoken about.

I have seen so many of us struggling lately. I empathize with all of you greatly. I truly do. This time last year - I though 95 pounds was the perfect goal weight for my height. I'm 5'8". We all know that was absurd. But it was what my eating disorder told me was the upper limit of acceptable.
It was very challenging to get past that weight. But in time, I began to see what I really looked like and realized how much more I truly needed to gain. And by time, I mean over the course of 6 or 7 months. When I was twenty pounds lighter than I am now, I looked in the mirror and saw someone ten times larger than the person that I see looking back at me now. Doesn't that tell you something? It takes time, weight restoration and continued nutrition for the eating disordered thoughts and perceptions to fade. For the time being, you have to recognize that what you see and sometimes think is not based on reality or truth - but rather a conditioned response created by the eating disorder. You can recondition yourself to think and feel differently about your life, your body and yourself as a person. But, like all things, it will not happen overnight. And it sucks to have to deal with it. I'm the first one to admit - recovering is fuckin' hard. It doesn't really get perceivably better until you are nearing the finish line. Even the last five pounds I gained recently were hard. I waffled on my decision to gain more weight for weeks. But after going back to school and work - I saw what REAL people looked like and I was far too thin in comparison. And I can tell you, it still amazes me now how much different my perception and feelings towards my body are these days as compared to ten months ago. But the point is - you do it anyways. Despite how hard it can feel. Because you know what - no matter what you do, your eating disorder is going to make you miserable. You might as well suffer on with its abuses knowing full well that it's screaming so hard because one day, sooner than you think, you will have a life to call your own again. That's how I had to look at it and it helped me a lot to remind myself that one day, all of the hurt and negativity would be gone and that I would be happy. Its hard to believe, I'm sure. But if you knew how miserable I was in my eating disorder, you'd know that for me to be able to say any of these things in truth is incredible. For the longest time, I punished and abused myself because of how negatively I felt towards my own existence. I didn't think I was worthy of the negligible amount of space I took up on the earth, I felt I was a burden and a useless one at that. I believed that the starvation and OC exercising would somehow cleanse me and make it right for me to be alive. I kept waiting for the day where I would wake up, look in the mirror and see someone who I felt was worth living for.

That day never came while I was entrenched in my eating disorder. That day did not come while I was still struggling to come around in my recovery. That day has come now that I am at a healthier weight and have long since overcome my fears and continue to do the things that I want to do for ME every single day. We have to make peace with this fact, or else we never get anywhere.
I can honestly say, I look in the mirror now and while its sometimes hard to believe its really me, I always see someone I think is beautiful.

19 comments:

  1. first off, you are absolutely beyond Beautiful! that is the cutest picture and you are just amazing!

    this post was so great, as always, and you really help me through my feelings as you know i am struggling with :/

    body image is so tricky and ed lies so much and its so messed up...
    this morning i did that thingy where u trace ur body laying down... after drawing what my/ed's perception of my frame is..and you know what? i was shocked, its crazy how much larger i think i am..it was a good 'wake up call'

    but i know that I dreaded last time through re-feeding and gaining, getting to 17.5 bmi, and THEN when i was maintaining that in May-June...i felt so great once i got there,
    ed tells me i didnt feel good, but if i force myself to remember i relle felt good about my body and appearance..the way ed screws around with our heads is so abusive and i hate it!
    as you said to see what "real" people look like is a wake up call, like my cousin she is 5'4 and 110 lbs and she looks so great!

    to see how amazing you are feeling NOW in life, after such a hard battle, it makes me have so so much hope!!

    love you. have a great day off! :)

    xxo
    ~maya

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  2. You are so beautiful. And this is a beautiful post; one I really needed at the moment. So thank you. I've been reading and following your blog for awhile and I am cheering you on.

    xx
    Heather

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  3. Recently I've agreed to gain more weight because I can see myself and it's not a healthy image.
    I was going to stay at 17.5 but I started to see myself, still far too thin, bruised like a peach and had terrible bones, and I decided it needed to go up.
    I'm really glad you saw that and noticed 95 at 5'8 is really just getting into an anorexic comfort zone!
    xx

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  4. Tori you never cease to amaze me. This post was exactly what I needed to read today.

    While we're in recovery and battling with the body image/distortion issues, its so difficult to think that there will ever be a day when we'll look in the mirror and be proud of the person staring back at us. Or that that person will ever be good enough. But reading this has given me so much hope.

    And btw, you are so beautiful its crazy! I hope you dont find this offensive but I find it hard to believe that you can be at a healthy weight, because you are still so thin. But that just proves how much EDs mess with your mind - my ED tells me that I will look huge at anything even resembling a healthy weight, but you are living proof that thats simply not true.

    Keep smiling you gorgeous girl!
    <3
    Hannah

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  5. hi tori! i dont know if you remember me, but i have commented before, im just always a little shy when it comes to speaking up. but i just wanted to say thankyou for all of your beautiful posts, i have been a loyal reader for quite some time now. I am soon to be 18 and have felt every emotion you have mentioned in this post, i dont even know how many times i have apologized to my parents and wrote in my journal about how i felt like i was such a burden. I'm still not at your level of recovery but i have definetly come a long way. i just want to say thankyou for giving us readers such hope =)

    Gina G
    g8erra@hotmail.com

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  6. Tori,

    While I've never "met" (I guess internet met haha) you before, I HAVE followed your story throughout the gaining forum on CC, and also visit your AMAZING blog quite a bit.

    It makes me so happy to read things like this. I'm so proud of how you're feeling right now, and everything you've accomplished.

    Please, DONNOT take this the wrong way, but I hope that you still are continuing to gain... even though ED is fading, a tad bit more weight would just make things THAT MUCH SAFER. A few insurance pounds, if you will.

    I'm sorry if I'm sounding like a downer. It's just, I relapsed before, after a REALLY hard fought recovery that landed me in the hospital, nearly losing my life and everything.

    To find myself slipping back into old ways after everything I went through was not only heart breaking, but so preventable. If I would have regained just a few more pounds, I could have prevented that relapse.

    But... what happened, I got pnuemonia. My weight dropped. Danger zone set it, thus, ED thoughts returned....

    Again, I'm not trying to rain on your parade, by any means. I'm trying to keep the parade going! I know you can do this, and I want you to hold onto this happiness. Keep on pushing through, and stay strong!

    Sincerely,
    Julia

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  7. love your photo! and thank you for this inspiring post :)

    (I'm 5 ft 8 too! okay, actually 5ft 8 minus 1 cm...)

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  8. Tori, you are gorgeous. And brave and strong and all the good things that I wish I could tell you face to face. In short, you are just WOW. Thank you for letting us know that life without ED is so much better, and I am just so, so SO happy for you.

    Sending you hugs and kisses!

    xoxo

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  9. What a beautiful post and it's so, so true!
    I'm so proud of you, reading this brings tears in my eyes. You're so beautyful and strong! Thanks for sharing and hope you'll have a wonderful weekend you special girl!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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  10. Your writing is always a refreshing perspective in the blog world. :) I look forward to hearing how you are doing because, judging from your past writings, I know you have fought for your life so hard and you deserve to live to the fullest!

    Not because of ED, but well I'm not even sure why... when I was little I used to feel like a "burden," too, and I wrote my parents a note about how I'm sorry I existed and I'd move out as soon as I could to make life easier for them. (wtf?) It's important that we realize we have a right to live for the sake of our happiness.

    I also love that you referenced how you take time to observe REAL people. I am technically at a healthy BMI, but sometimes when I start thinking I'm "too big," I look around at those REAL people and realize wow, I'm not as big as I thought. And it helps keep me on track :)

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  11. Oh wow, this post was just too amazing. You are an incredibly talented writer! I have never struggled with disordered eating but you gave me a glimpse into what it must be like, I can't believe how much you conveyed in such a short post. I'm really moved and amazed. Thank you for sharing this, I'm glad you are on a healthy and joyful road to recovery.

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  12. Can you post more? I almost forget what my smile looks like sometimes but always remember when you post something... mostly because I remember the writings from 10 months ago and am already looking forward to what the mere next month will bring. Friggin AWESOME my love.

    Also, i believe that pic was taken inside of a starbucks. Can i assume that D is still the luckiest man in the state of connecticut?

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  13. You are fucking gorgeous.
    And hearing you say that when you were underweight, you saw someone bigger than you see now....that gives me SO much hope. SOOOO much! Thank you thank you thank you <3

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  14. hey girlie...
    I'm new on here but this post was absolutely amazing. it inspired me so much. you are so beautiful <3 and knowing that you can see that too gives me so much hope. thank you so much :]

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  15. Tori, Thank you for sharing your life. My step daughter had a eating disorder in her young life, so sad, now as a happy married woman, she still is having stomach problems. Many of the problems are from the disease, it has been hard on her organs.

    Come by for a visit sometime: http://www.teatimeconsultants.blogspot.com

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  16. Hi, it's a very great blog.
    I could tell how much efforts you've taken on it.
    Keep doing!

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  17. Tori, Tori, Tori! It has been too long since I've commented. But I have to tell you, I'm still reading. Your words are just so wise, so beautiful and powerful. You ARE beautiful Tori, even without that picture of a smiling pretty girl, I just can tell the beauty within you.

    That was some god-damn amazing writing, and I seriously think you should compile everything into a single book. It would help tons of ED-recoverers out there!

    p.s. Why won't you switch to Wordpress? It practically transfers all you blogger files at a touch of a button!

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  18. you won a friggin Jager-Bomb off?!!?!?!? that is so friggin extreme!

    So, i think its official that you and I need to hit up the all you can pancakes when they happen. I asked the last time I was there and apparently they are not existing at the moment... luckily i think im caked our for a bit. But only a bit.

    Lastly... looking friggin HAWT in the pic. Dont act like you dont know it!

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