Monday, November 2, 2009

Such Coincidence.

"You are more attractive than you realize, and someone is going to make it their job to help you understand that today. Be happy and gracious when someone calls you beautiful. You should believe them -- after all, why would they lie? Your self-esteem has been taking a hit lately, mostly because you are listening to the tiny voices of doubt in your head. Stop it -- those voices are full of lies." - Yahoo Astrology.

The amazing amount of truth behind my horoscope this morning is almost unsettling. Lets hope that its real and that it does get better.

As the days draw by, I'm getting more and more fed up with this way of life and I think I am getting closer and closer to finally, truly, breaking free from anorexia. I know I've said it before, and every time I do say that - I seem to make another step forward. I'm getting to a point where I hate the counting and checking and portioning. Its a major stress, as I'm sure we all know. And I'm slowly beginning to see that its not necessary. My body knows when its hungry. It knows when its not. I've had days where I eat a 700-calorie breakfast, feel hungry an hour later and make a PB sandwich. But then I won't be the least bit hungry in the afternoon. I've had days where I eat a 500 calorie breakfast because I'm just not hungry in the morning, but then in the afternoon I'll have a snack baggie of trail mix or a yogurt with granola after lunch or (god forbid!) a few squares of dark chocolate with some dried figs after dinner.
Do you see what I see? I used to have to eat X calories at X time. Not anymore. I still count what I need to eat in a day, but it has progressed to a different, more healthy level. Slowly but surely, flexibility is coming through. I know we often rush ourselves and want to be happy, healthy and normal overnight. But it just doesn't happy that way. Its hard to have the patience to see this all through. Believe me, I've lost my patience with myself many times. But for some reason, I just never give up. I'll talk the talk and say I hate my life and that I'm giving up. But the next day, I wake up and do it all again. Because its the right thing to do, because the real me is becoming more and more present and in power over the ED. And I do not want that to change. I want my life back. No matter how long it takes for this to pass on in entirety - I will be my own free person again some day. I know I'm already so close (actually just ate a fun-sized Milky Way bar after lunch. Heyy!) No amount of negativity or misperception of myself in my mind is going to take this away.

We may be born into circumstance, but we are always free to take control of what we are given and to change it. We do not have to play like passive victims. Its an unfortunate illness, one that is insufferable and cruel. But it can be overcome. It takes time and determination. But all you need is just to face that one first REAL challenge (I don't mean eating a TBS of peanut butter instead of a teaspoon. I mean eating a real frickin' candy bar or having pizza) and allow yourself to feel good about it and to enjoy what you've just accomplished. That's all you need and suddenly - the whole world becomes possible. And you start to realize that nothing is ever as scary as the ED makes you believe. And all the eating disordered rules start to come crumbling down as you see more and more truth and reality in the world. And as the rules bend and break - you find yourself settling into normalcy. Its frightening at first, yes. But it too will become familiar. Each stage of this recovery process will take time, but it always becomes the new familiar place - the new comfort zone. And as that "zone" gets bigger - your life begins to get better.

My newest comfort zone: being able to eat at whatever time I feel hungry and not caring if its 2 hours after breakfast or two hours before bed.
Next place I hope to get to: Being able to eat without wondering about portions/calorie content. And just eating for satiety.

Edit: A random guy followed me up the stairs at school to tell me I had a pretty face. LOL. I love community college.

11 comments:

  1. WOW! I'm so proud of you for all the progress and the next step you're gonna take! It's wonderful that you are in a state where you can really listen to your body's needs. (as long as that will be enough to get you to a perfect healthy BMI, but I've got so much faith in you!). It's great that you battled all these fears and look how far you've come! Challenging myself is something I did and am still doing (even wrote a post about it, talking about coincidences;) ) and you were and still are an inspiration in that for me! Stay strong girl!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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  2. Haha thats cute, he just follows you up!

    With every post I can feel your determination and it like... vibes through to me and gives me determination!
    x

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  3. loved reading this ;)
    isn't it amazing that when we feel like we have a purpose in life all the little tricks of anorexia seems to become annoying and simply pathetic? i feel you in everyway. its great to listen to what our body has to say and not just what the mind has to say

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  4. YOU ARE MY HERO.

    <3<3<3<3<3!!!

    I loved this post,your determination is amazing. You have come such a long way, it's INCREDIBLE.

    :)
    xoxo

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  5. i love horoscopes. they really can be so telling. i'm so proud of you for how far you've come. you are truly an inspiration to all in the blogworld. thank you for always posting honestly- your words are so helpful. i appreciate everything you have said, and am touched that you feel you are finally breaking free.
    love,
    lexi

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  6. Oh wow, I was so happy to read this post. You have grown so much as an individual through your recovery journey, and its so beautiful to watch/read about!

    I have so much faith in you, Tori, and your progress brings hope to myself as well as many other girls struggling. So thank you. I hope you realise how great an influence you are in the blogging world!


    Oh and that randomer following you up the stairs... how adroable! He obviously has good taste :)

    Take care
    Hannah xo

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  7. Im just getting flooded with memories from this time last year. Not to be a downer but we were all in such a worse off place and now i KNOW that you are taking the world on one day at a time and inspiring me to do the same. So thank you for that.

    Immediately after i read this i went to WF and took down the best cookie i have had in a while (Note, raisins and oats and chocolate need to have a baby now!

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  8. This post made me smile the biggest smile ever

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  9. This post spoke so much to me, Tori. But most importantly it made me feel so happy for you! You are definitely getting extremely close to breaking free from ED. But don't let your guard down, either!
    You are doing so well, gah, I am just ecstatic for you :)
    I may have a piece of carrot cake tonight. Your words of advice were very inspiring.

    The part about to boy also put a smile on my face... too cute!

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  10. Sorry but I cant believe that. You are not pretty. You are stunning! x

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