Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thankful.

My family is not really celebrating Thanksgiving as my brother is not coming home for the weekend as I had hoped. I haven't seen him in about a year. Last time he saw me, I was very, very sick with my ED. He told me stopped several times on his way to and from our home up here in CT (my brother works/lives in Virginia) because he couldn't stop crying at the thought of seeing me. And after seeing the reality of what I still looked like, it broke him. I wish very much that he was coming home this weekend, so I could show him how much better I am. I'm glad that we are able to at least talk online. But still, I know a part of him won't believe that I could really be so much better until he sees it.

I have many bad memories of Thanksgiving, especially over the past years. When I was 18, I tried to kill myself on Thanksgiving day. I have a tattoo (as seen back in May I believe) that was a tribute to this. I remember it very clearly. After my attempt at suicide, I sat in my room crying. My brother was the only one in the family who wanted to take care of me. He sat there in my room, watching me, crying with me for hours. After we talked for a bit, I got up the courage to go into the kitchen and drink two Ensure Plus's to make up for the meal I had not eaten earlier. And it was on that night that I was determined not to let anorexia consume me anymore. Its been three years since, and I had many more struggles to deal with since then. But I will always remember that my brother has never let me give up hope. Even when everything seemed bleak and without light, he never fought with me over the AN or treated me like an invalid like my parents did. He always wanted me to remember that I was human, that I would make mistakes and do things I wish I hadn't done - but that it was OK because as long as I tried to fix it, better days would be possible.

What am I thankful for this holiday?

~My family's patience and strength to carry on with me after all these years.
~Finally being well enough to eat and enjoy a slice of strawberry cheesecake (oh yes, I am)
~Having friends, a job, and school to look forward to every single day.
~ Having "met" all you wonderful and lovely people. Even if it was through not so pleasant means, I consider you guys to be some of the best people I've ever come into contact with.

Most importantly, I am grateful for my life. As silly as it may sound, I spent many years wondering what my life was even worth, questioning my existence and purpose. I used to believe that I suffered like I did because I didn't deserve to live. But now I have come to the conclusion that my eating disorder took the path that it did because the powers that be knew I could survive it, learn from it and eventually be able to help other people. Every single time one of you guys say how I've helped you, even in some small way - it brightens my day and makes me realize that this has all been worthwhile and that there was a reason for it all. I am thankful to have you girls and the comfort you offer me.

<3 Tori

12 comments:

  1. I am thankful for a number of things in my life. I am also thankful for your existence. You are amazing, beautiful, important + much much more, don't ever forget that! :]

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  2. Tori,
    this post was so touching, so amazing! this day brings back alot of bad memories for me as well. But i am so proud of you and i know your amazing brother is so proud of you as well, if he saw you or came home i bet it would make him the happiest man in the world to see how happy you are now, and how far you have come in life!

    i am so thankful for you :) honestly i really am so thankful for you tori. love you so much and enjoy your day!

    love you!
    ~maya

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  3. Am thankful for YOU <3

    Take care...and enjoy that strawb cheesecake:) Love you so much, Tori!

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  4. It's inspiring to see how much you have been through yet can still be so positive. Although I'm in the UK so obviously don't celebrate thanksgiving it's always good to think about what we're grateful for- the love I receive, happiness around me and peace I know exists in my heart.
    Have a super day xxx

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  5. What a beautiful post...this brought me to tears. Although I only know you online, I feel as if I know you so close and personal... I'm so proud and hope you will enjoy every minute of this Thanksgiving.
    I've said it before, but you're one special girl Tori!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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  6. i am so thankful for you, tori! joining the blog world has given me so much hope and strength. i am SO glad that you will be able to truly enjoy the holiday this year. happy thanksgiving :-)

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  7. Tori,
    OMG this was so touching and amazing. The whole thing about last year, then making the realizations that you need to keep moving forward, the whole last paragraph, wow. Hope your thanksgiving is better this year girl!
    XO
    Laci ;)

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  8. Hi Tori! im new to the blogging comunitty but i have read your blog so many times! that was such a beautttiful post[: your brother is so lucky to have you and you are so lucky to have him ENJOY THANKSGIVING xoxxo

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  9. beautiful post Tori, we are all thankful for you! have a wonderful Thanksgiving girl =)


    mariannag@live.com

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  10. Tori,
    this post was so touching, your brother sounds like an amazing person, and an amazing brother...i hope he gets to see you soon, because i Know he will be the happiest guy ever to see how well his beautiful sister is doing and how far you have come.
    Tori, you are such an inspiration to me you have no idea...i am so thankful to have "met" you, you have impacted my life in so many ways.

    hope today is perfect lovie, and enjoy your day.

    love you
    Eliza

    ps: good luck tomorrow with work! :/ i know it will be tough but you are a star, and you can do it! :)

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  11. What a wonderful post! It's nice to reflect on all the things we have to be grateful for! Hope you start a new Thanksgiving tradition that is all about joy, creating new memories, traditions, and feeling love! I think you should celebrate by yourself! Candles, nice plates, and just enjoy YOU and being alive, coming this far..
    Hugs!
    Barbara

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  12. I really hope you had a great day. And that you will get to see your brother soon. I have an amazingly supportive brother too, and I understand the strength of that bond.

    I am thankful for you blog because your words always make me want to fight ED harder.

    love.

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