Lately, I feel haunted by memories of the past. In my sleep, I dream about all the mistakes I've made and in my waking hours, I keep thinking about last Christmas and all the others that I've ruined.
I remember last year, I ran around the house so excited for my family to open their gifts. I made it through breakfast okay. Even the morning snack was fine. But after an argument with my mother before lunch- I told her to take back everything she had gotten me because I didn't deserve anything from anyone. I remember it so vividly - all I wanted to do the rest of the day was curl up in my bed and hide from reality. I was still well under even BMI 14. Our plan was to up me to 2800 calories the day after Christmas to make the day less stressful for me. And then my mom put too many tablespoons of peanut butter on my sandwich - I freaked out. Started crying, screaming and telling her she was trying to sabotage me and hurt me, among other things. She told me the only thing she wanted to sabotage was my ED, and that it was an honest mistake. Swearing was involved and there was more crying. Things were thrown - including me. Eventually things calmed down, but it was not quite the same.
I keep thinking about that day, among others. Where my ED took control of me and turned me into something I wasn't. In my ED, I would be vicious, biting and cruel. And then in the aftermath of an outburst, I would slink into my closet, hide in my laundry basket (I kid you not!) and bawl. I would sit there, silently hating and verbally abusing myself because I was such a monster and I couldn't stand how out of control I became. My ED often used those incidents as fuel for its purpose; to punish me for the terrible person I was. But you see, I am not that person when I'm not entrenched in my ED. It was a self-perpetuating cycle.
The only way to break these cycles of self-abuse, guilt and negativity is to take the control back for yourself. So many times, I've had to set my mind on doing something no matter what the voice in my head said. Now, I don't even have to think twice about it most days. It takes time, but I eventually became more and more comfortable with taking what I needed and wanted for myself. This isn't just limited to food - though that came first obviously. It took me even longer to feel comfortable spending money on myself for things I wanted but didn't need. And from there, I even got to a point where I felt OK with gaining a few more pounds despite not really being pressured to gain anymore. I've struggled a lot, and have been in doubt many times, just as many of us are now. But just remember this song. I listen to it every time I'm down. It doesn't perk me up, per se, but it helps put things back into perspective and it reminds me that all of this has happened for a reason. This song inspires me not to let one bad day ruin the rest, and to keep getting up every morning, so that in the future I am the one making my choices and living the life I want, and not the life driven by the grips of anorexia. I hope it'll do the same for you.
(And to be honest - if looking at Brandon Boyd doesn't make you feel better - I'm not sure we can be friends anymore ;P )
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago