Thursday, December 17, 2009

Drive.

Lately, I feel haunted by memories of the past. In my sleep, I dream about all the mistakes I've made and in my waking hours, I keep thinking about last Christmas and all the others that I've ruined.
I remember last year, I ran around the house so excited for my family to open their gifts. I made it through breakfast okay. Even the morning snack was fine. But after an argument with my mother before lunch- I told her to take back everything she had gotten me because I didn't deserve anything from anyone. I remember it so vividly - all I wanted to do the rest of the day was curl up in my bed and hide from reality. I was still well under even BMI 14. Our plan was to up me to 2800 calories the day after Christmas to make the day less stressful for me. And then my mom put too many tablespoons of peanut butter on my sandwich - I freaked out. Started crying, screaming and telling her she was trying to sabotage me and hurt me, among other things. She told me the only thing she wanted to sabotage was my ED, and that it was an honest mistake. Swearing was involved and there was more crying. Things were thrown - including me. Eventually things calmed down, but it was not quite the same.

I keep thinking about that day, among others. Where my ED took control of me and turned me into something I wasn't. In my ED, I would be vicious, biting and cruel. And then in the aftermath of an outburst, I would slink into my closet, hide in my laundry basket (I kid you not!) and bawl. I would sit there, silently hating and verbally abusing myself because I was such a monster and I couldn't stand how out of control I became. My ED often used those incidents as fuel for its purpose; to punish me for the terrible person I was. But you see, I am not that person when I'm not entrenched in my ED. It was a self-perpetuating cycle.
The only way to break these cycles of self-abuse, guilt and negativity is to take the control back for yourself. So many times, I've had to set my mind on doing something no matter what the voice in my head said. Now, I don't even have to think twice about it most days. It takes time, but I eventually became more and more comfortable with taking what I needed and wanted for myself. This isn't just limited to food - though that came first obviously. It took me even longer to feel comfortable spending money on myself for things I wanted but didn't need. And from there, I even got to a point where I felt OK with gaining a few more pounds despite not really being pressured to gain anymore. I've struggled a lot, and have been in doubt many times, just as many of us are now. But just remember this song. I listen to it every time I'm down. It doesn't perk me up, per se, but it helps put things back into perspective and it reminds me that all of this has happened for a reason. This song inspires me not to let one bad day ruin the rest, and to keep getting up every morning, so that in the future I am the one making my choices and living the life I want, and not the life driven by the grips of anorexia. I hope it'll do the same for you.



(And to be honest - if looking at Brandon Boyd doesn't make you feel better - I'm not sure we can be friends anymore ;P )

12 comments:

  1. I wish for you that this Christmas will be so different. And I have so much faith that it will be, seeing all the amazing progress you've made and you strength and determination... Looking back shows you also how far you've come and you can be so proud. Hope you enjoy every minute of this Christmas because you deserve it!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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  2. tori,
    i've heard you write about the horrid pasts of xmas and holidays where ed really ruined so much, it is just heartbreaking to hear that someone as beautiful, wise, intelligent and so amazing as yourself could hate herself so much, at a time... and secondly, u so so do not deserve what Ed has done to you in the past, your just too wonderful.
    this year will be so so different, so amazing, i KNOW it! ;) you deserve so much happiness, love and joy. and TLC ;) if anyone deserves the world, i'd say YOU do :)!!

    love you so much!

    and happy early xmas! your a true inspiration.

    ~maya

    p.s. love that song :)

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  3. Hey Tori!

    It pains me to read about the level of self loathing you've had to deal with. You're a beautiful, smart, and kind person, I wish you could see that all the time! It's great that you can turn to music to pick you up in those low moments. And yes everyone loves Brandon Boyd :)

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  4. It sounds like you've been through such torment, it's aboslutely incredible how much progress you've made and your strength and determination in kicking ed out of your life are truly inspiring. You deserve happiness not pain and self-loathing and I really hope this xmas is so much better, I'm sure it will be.
    Love xx
    (P.S I have never heard of BB before but gosh is he beautiful!)

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  5. Tori,
    reading about last Christmas and all about your past memories of being in your ed was so sad to hear that you had such strong self hatred...and felt as though you didnt deserve anything. you are just the most amazing, beautiful inside and out, lovely, strong, insightful, inspiring, intelligent.... long list, and believe me i could go on and on!!! well you are all of those things +++++ and i love you to bits, and i know this Christmas will be spectacular for you! this year of your life has been quite the battle, but you have made so much progress, your strength and determination is beyond amazing, and i admire you SO much lovie...
    and ahh that song, love it...love how songs can just boost your spirits and change your whole mood! :) and yes Brandon Boyd made me very happy ;)

    love you
    Eliza

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  6. You know what? I think Christmas will be different for everyone in the blogworld this year :)
    I can relate a lot to your feelings of self-loathing and not "deserving" anything. I still find it hard to accept gifts/compliments/praise etc. But I'm so glad you are realising what an amazing individual you are! You have overcome so much in the past year, it is truly inspiring to see. Just think where you will be in another 12 months time! While we are in recovery, the only place we are heading is upwards to a happier life... isn't that a wonderful thought?

    Wishing you a very happy holiday!
    Love, Hannah xo.

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  7. You are such a brave,beautiful person and I appreciate your vulnerability and willingness to share your story.

    I hope you have the very best holiday, you deserve it.

    Don't ever forgetthat you are a rock star.
    becxo

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  8. Tori,
    that post was honestly heartbreaking and I can totally relate to these horrible feelings of self hate, worthlessness and ruining things for the whole family. But try to focus on progressing for the future- it will keep getting better for know, I know it! You write such honest, raw and deep posts it is inspirational, thank you.
    happy early holidays, hang in there hun!
    xo
    Laci ;)

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  9. Can you be under my christmas tree this year? I think that is the only way that im going to be happy this holiday season. I cannot tell you how much stronger i feel after reading a post from you. I mean that litterally to... i was a the gy yesterday and think i was putting up more weight than last time... awesome.

    I still need to find the balance in my life and am a little worried about all the Eating out im going to be doing during the holidays... but its about pushing through, finding balance, knowing that i will have people like you in my corner whether im 150lbs or 350. Love you girl, and seriously... get under the tree.

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  10. I hope that this Christmas is much, much better for you. It is truly incredible and inspiring just how far you have come so far
    <3

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  11. Who is Brandon Boyd? Um, I hope we can still be friends. I'm just kinda ignorant, tee hee. >.<

    Hm. This post...it could have been written by me. I clearly understand what you mean about that self-disgust and self-hatred...the thing is that ED doesn't only ruin our body, but it ruins our entire self. I turned into a complete monster during my ED days.

    But I think you're getting these nightmares, because holiday season is nearing, and it brings back a lot of unhappy memories...but my dear..it is just a NIGHTMARE. and guess what? nightmares are unreal, and it never comes true. So I think this holiday season...you're gonna do well, and it'll get rid of any nightmares you have had! In fact, may you create more beautiful memories that will obliterate any bad memories you had!

    Love you, Tori!

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  12. I can so relate to this post. I think holidays make us more aware of our misery and self loathing because they are supposed to be a time of celebration. But hopefully this year your Christmas will be filled with love and joy. While memories of the past are unavoidable, I hope they only make this years fun sweeter and more appreciated. I know you don't need any Christmas miracles, because you ARE one ;)

    Rachael*

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