So much has been happening lately, its overwhelming me. I've been wanting to post, but I have been struggling with the words to express all that has been going on. Not one, but three other guys have asked me out in the past, eh two weeks? I broke one heart yesterday by turning him down and trying to gently explain my situation. Things with the boy have been progressively getting better, and I just could not ever hurt him in that way, by going out with someone else. I admit, I had really considered it. But I don't know, something is there that I know I won't find with anyone else at the moment. So I've been trying to weed out the other guys, but its much harder than one would think. Apparently, some people really just don't care.
Now for my big ol dramatic story. Last night, I came home from work and flopped down on my bed. My mother came into my room, looked at me lying there. I was exhausted. She took my face in her hands and asked if I had weighed myself lately. "No...I haven't been wanting to use that stupid thing. I'm much happier not knowing every week what I weigh." An understanding look crossed her face and she said "I know sweetie, you are doing so well. And I know you haven't been restricting at all. I see how much you eat. And I know you've been sneaking chocolate squares from my stash after the really stressful nights at work. But your face...you look like you've lost a few pounds. I don't know how. But I know."
I weighed myself this morning for my mother's sake. And she was right. This is immensely frustrating for me. I've been eating plenty every day. But I have noticed a few things that had been making me curious. I've been much warmer lately overall, but I will get cold pretty quickly at night. I've been hungrier, so on and so forth. Our current theory is that my body is going through possibly its final phase of adjustment - my metabolism is finally normalizing. And in my case, that apparently means going UP to normal speed. Sigh. Everyone has their burdens, and apparently mine is that I need to consume about 700 more calories than the average girl my age needs to maintain their weight. Live and learn I guess.
Now for an upside, I made the BEST pumpkin muffins and I am currently enjoying one with a hot cocoa as my lunch snacky. And you can bet your butts these fluffy, pillowy muffins were made with oil, eggs, and butter. Much to everyone else in the household's (most pleasant) surprise.
While I love healthy-fied versions of muffins (I make awesome apple cinnamon bran muffins!) These are a treat for this time of year, and yknow what? I have absolutely no reason to making low-cal or low fat ANYTHING. And personally, I think that even when the weight gain phase of recovery is over, it is still best to stay away from the majority of diet foods. It reminds me too much of the ED days when I couldn't allow myself to enjoy anything, and calories were always the bottom line. Food is for nourishment, but sometimes its a mental, emotional and spiritual nourishment as well as a physical one. So! I am embracing this mentality, along with my new found need and desire for real food and getting enjoyment from it.
Also - random tidbit. I haven't cut my hair since August and I currently look like a cross between "poor college frat boy" and Tegan and Sara. Awesome, right? Yes! My hair dresser sent me a coupon with the words "Please don't forget about us! Come back for a hair cut and get 20% off!"
Guess who's getting their hair done for Christmas? I am! My mom offered to pay for it. I think I may add some highlights to the bangs or do something crazy. Since by then, it'll be approaching ear/chin length. Any ideas?
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago