Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Sigh.

So much has been happening lately, its overwhelming me. I've been wanting to post, but I have been struggling with the words to express all that has been going on. Not one, but three other guys have asked me out in the past, eh two weeks? I broke one heart yesterday by turning him down and trying to gently explain my situation. Things with the boy have been progressively getting better, and I just could not ever hurt him in that way, by going out with someone else. I admit, I had really considered it. But I don't know, something is there that I know I won't find with anyone else at the moment. So I've been trying to weed out the other guys, but its much harder than one would think. Apparently, some people really just don't care.

Now for my big ol dramatic story. Last night, I came home from work and flopped down on my bed. My mother came into my room, looked at me lying there. I was exhausted. She took my face in her hands and asked if I had weighed myself lately. "No...I haven't been wanting to use that stupid thing. I'm much happier not knowing every week what I weigh." An understanding look crossed her face and she said "I know sweetie, you are doing so well. And I know you haven't been restricting at all. I see how much you eat. And I know you've been sneaking chocolate squares from my stash after the really stressful nights at work. But your face...you look like you've lost a few pounds. I don't know how. But I know."
I weighed myself this morning for my mother's sake. And she was right. This is immensely frustrating for me. I've been eating plenty every day. But I have noticed a few things that had been making me curious. I've been much warmer lately overall, but I will get cold pretty quickly at night. I've been hungrier, so on and so forth. Our current theory is that my body is going through possibly its final phase of adjustment - my metabolism is finally normalizing. And in my case, that apparently means going UP to normal speed. Sigh. Everyone has their burdens, and apparently mine is that I need to consume about 700 more calories than the average girl my age needs to maintain their weight. Live and learn I guess.

Now for an upside, I made the BEST pumpkin muffins and I am currently enjoying one with a hot cocoa as my lunch snacky. And you can bet your butts these fluffy, pillowy muffins were made with oil, eggs, and butter. Much to everyone else in the household's (most pleasant) surprise.

While I love healthy-fied versions of muffins (I make awesome apple cinnamon bran muffins!) These are a treat for this time of year, and yknow what? I have absolutely no reason to making low-cal or low fat ANYTHING. And personally, I think that even when the weight gain phase of recovery is over, it is still best to stay away from the majority of diet foods. It reminds me too much of the ED days when I couldn't allow myself to enjoy anything, and calories were always the bottom line. Food is for nourishment, but sometimes its a mental, emotional and spiritual nourishment as well as a physical one. So! I am embracing this mentality, along with my new found need and desire for real food and getting enjoyment from it.

Also - random tidbit. I haven't cut my hair since August and I currently look like a cross between "poor college frat boy" and Tegan and Sara. Awesome, right? Yes! My hair dresser sent me a coupon with the words "Please don't forget about us! Come back for a hair cut and get 20% off!"
Guess who's getting their hair done for Christmas? I am! My mom offered to pay for it. I think I may add some highlights to the bangs or do something crazy. Since by then, it'll be approaching ear/chin length. Any ideas?

10 comments:

  1. Tori, :)
    that muffin looks so delicious and perfect!... hot cocoa and a muffin cant get better ;) you are so right when you said, "Food is for nourishment, but sometimes its a mental, emotional and spiritual nourishment as well as a physical one." i couldnt agree more, i really think anything dietetic should not be allowed for anyone with a history of an ED, it is just too dangerous to have those things in your life, and food should be real and we all deserve real food, not processed low cal crap ;)
    a hair cut, ahh that is so funny because i was just talking to my mom about how i want a hair cut soon :) i love your hair, you pull off a short cut so so well, you are gorgeous...highlights would look awesome :) i dont really have any other ideas, you would look gorgeous with any cut, prob gorgeous bald too ;P lol...love you tori, and hang in there with all the boy drama.

    xx
    Eliza

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear girl,
    I'm so sorry. Weight gain is so frustrating indeed. I have no idea how too, but it seems easier to lose weight than gain. Esp since we are busy people.

    And lol, oh Tori, you heart-breaker, you! At least it's YOU who are the one who is doing the heartbreaking. People, get a grip! Tori is not a player, and things between her and the boy are going well, so lay off and stop bothering her!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You know what, your short hair has always been so awesome i think a pixie-cut with a few highlights would be awesome/gorgeous on you. Although, I think short hair is really attractive so im a bit biased.

    Your friggin ricking the deuce! Im not weighing myself either and just eating what i want when im hungry and am liking it much better. Granted, there are some times when the 'ol thoughts' sneak around in the back of the head... but they are stomped out quickly and with extreme predjudice. I feel stronger/better, and yes... that is thanks in large part to you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. tori i am glad you are always able to pull the stop break before it all goes to waste. you are very inspiring to me
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  5. i just love you and i always find that reading your blog flips my mindset back toward the positive when its leaning toward the negative. thanks for that tonight. and duh lots of guys want to go out with you! keep being picky because you can afford to.

    all love & good wishes for u.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Haha, love reading your blog, Tori! Muffin love all the way:)

    Hope you get a nice haircut, though I'm pretty sure you're stunning even with a "poor college frat boy" look as you put it ;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Muffin looks delicious. I totally love baking muffins too, you see many of them in my posts;)

    I'm sorry for your weight loss, but I also know you're so strong and determined and I've got so much faith you will reach a healthy BMI soon:)

    Good luck with all the boys stuff, boys can be so difficult (and so nice too), try to think about yourself first. That's important!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

    ReplyDelete
  8. That muffin looks INCREDIBLE.

    hang in there chica,

    x

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm so proud of you! Can't wait to see your haircut lol! :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Christmas gift you'll donate something for friends and relatives? If you want to consult the people, go to my Facebook. In my facebook has many suggestions for you on Christmas. This is a Facebook link, select the most meaningful gift for friends. I wish you a happy Christmas.
    you visit my blog: Blog for you

    ReplyDelete