Tuesday, June 30, 2009

From the Bottom.

Thank you all so, so much for all the support and encouragement you've given me the past few days. Honestly - words are not enough to express my gratitude. I feel so incredibly fortunate to have you all. Who knew so many beautiful people could be part of the same community?

That being said - I learned something tremendous today.
In the darkest moments, the ones when we feel most desperate and afraid, is where we find ourselves, our inspiration to move forward. Its when we feel most incapable, and we are forced to deal with something we've been avoiding for far too long, that we grow and move onto the next phases of finding ourselves again.

This morning, I totally screwed up my meal plans. This is not something I am proud of, but over the past month or two, I have gotten into the habit of counting how many grams of fat, protein and carbohydate I was eating and making myself entirely insane trying to make sure it all equaled out at the end of the day. So if I had an extra gram of protein, I had to have one less carbohydrate - that sorta thing. Totally crazy, right?
Well. Yours truly made what anorexia would call a "grievous error". Whilst calculating my calories - I totally forgot to account for the grams of fat in my newly-added dessert to dinner. I counted in the 200 calories, but not the 11g fat. So while the calories added up perfect - grams of fat was way more than usual.
Enter anorexic panic. I was SO mad at myself. I felt like giving up because "eating was just too stressful." My mom got really mad at me as she was home when all of this lovely realization occured. She said some rather cruel things.
First instinct: Restrict.restrict. restrict. Because, well life sucks and what else is there? And you'll end up having way too many grams of fat today, far more than you need.
What Tori actually did: Tori stuck to her meal plan as it was, no changes, no cut backs. And enjoyed her chocolate-coconut-White Chocolate PB oats for breakfast.



As well as a Coffee Chocolate Jocalat bar after lunch.



And Dove dark chocolate after dinner. Yep. Allllll that goodness in one day.
(in case your wondering - its that time of the month where chocolate has become my best friend)

I did not die. Nothing horrific has happened.
In fact, something beautiful did.
I have decided from this day forth - no more excruciating calculations. I'll track my calories the way I used to when I was first recovering at age 16. With paper and pen, just enough to make sure I've met my calorie goal by the end of the day. No more worrying about grams of carbohydrates, proteins and fat. No more obsessing.

And that, my lovely ladies, is where liberation lies. In the darkest corner - the one where your ED is clinging on by mere threads. We hardly notice it at first. It pulls, gently, lulls you into a new behavior or habit - and because you are eating, you don't even realize its your ED, trying to find some small space to still occupy, trying to find some way, as truly insignificant as it may be in the real world, some way to hold on. Tiny little threads - the frayed ends of what we are still working to mend can be so very easy for it to grab on to. Something I have learned today is that those threads are more than enough to strangle. And so on this day, I sever those last binds. I will be free. We will all be free. Whether its one snip at a time, or one fowl swoop. It is going to be real some day, and hopefully - that day is getting closer.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Monday.

For the first time in my life, I feel as if I am without words.
There is so much going on inside my head, but I cannot seem to find a way to let the thoughts spill. It's really frustrating. I feel very guilty. Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a while, and its so silly because I had a really great day. But last night...ugh. I was on the verge of giving up because a part of me is still very convinced that I will never be normal. My head was spinning and all I could keep thinking about was how close I was to dying and was starting to believe that I would have been better off that way. Because quite honestly - while I may not be an exhuasted, emactiated corpse anymore - my life still sucks. There are no rainbows and sunshine for me - no magic burst of happiness. While I wasn't expecting that per se, I guess I was hoping that at least things would feel better than they do right now.
Being stuck at home all day is truly taking its toll on me mentally and emotionally and at times I don't know if I can deal with it anymore. I get unbearably anxious during the day and spend most of my time waiting for tomorrow to come in hopes that it will be better. Sometimes, it is better. Other times, not so much. I've noticed myself isolating more and more though. The amount of attention I've been recieving is overwhelming, especially given that I have spent nearly a year in solitude. This is where anorexia jumps in. "You can't handle this. You can't handle life. You aren't ready. Just let go. Give up. It will be easier." or the ever popular "You're just everyone's favorite whore. No one really likes you. They just see right through you. Everyone sees the truth but you. You are worthless." Even though I know these thoughts are meaningless, they are still very painful to have and it takes a LOT of energy for me to combat them. I've spent so many years believing it all to be true, so it makes sense that it will take a long time to get it to stop.

I realized the other day that my pattern of self-destructive habits has been an on-going thing, starting from when I was around eleven years old (first bout of AN). Sometimes I can't tell if anorexia was the worst of it. I suppose in terms of mortality, it is. But God, I have so many scars. Sometimes I look in the mirror and cry because they are never going to go away. I've covered some up with my tattoos. Beneath my chest piece lies 35 slash marks from when I was 15 and essentially cut my chest into ribbons. On my left thigh - 22. Most are only faint white lines that can only be seen really if pointed out. But at least six of them are thick, raised lines that are quite noticeable. At least the burn marks are gone though, right? When I was 15, after my parents realized I was cutting, I resorted to burning myself with a lighter. One night, I burned the word "disgrace" into my right calf. I am so glad that it is not visible anymore, having to explain THAT one would be a doozy. Further more,I have finally forgiven myself for what happened and realized that I was barely 15 and it wasn't my fault, I was taken advantage of. I hardly ever talk about it. Most therapists have assumed that was the starting point of my eating disorder even though I know it wasn't - I was already "spiralling back down the rabbit hole" when it happened. Maybe it made things worse, but it certainly was not the cause. And trying to explain that to a therapist who is all hopped up and gung-ho to find that singular ignition point - well. It doesn't work. And I hate when people say "Ohh no wonder!" because that's not what caused it. It's very hard to be taken seriously after people know - they focus on that one event in my life and anything I say afterwards gets disreguarded. And I don't know why I've told you all about this. I guess maybe for as much as I have forgiven myself and him alike (We are friends now actually as he has cleaned up from drugs and truly is a different person than he was 5 years ago) it has had a huge influence on my ability to have relationships or lack of such ability, at least. :sigh:

It's such a beautiful sunny day and I should be feeling so much happier but I'm not. Maybe its just that time of the month? Or maybe its because five of our fish have died in the past two days? I swear, they're suicidal. At least Crusher is still alive. His full name is actually Crusher, the Almighty Master of the 40-gallon Tank. He's the size of a quarter and my brother bought him for me in 2005. He's a survivor, kinda like me I guess. I'm crossing my fingers that he won't die too. I'd be heart broken.

I did have some cheerful-looking and comforting breakfasts the past few days. I'll share.


Cherry Pie Oats: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in vanilla soy milk, cinnamon, 1/2 banana mashed in. Topped with crushed almonds, walnuts, dried cherries, rest of the 'nana and coconut flakes.


Banana Bread Oats: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in vanilla soy milk, cinnamon, large overripe banana mashed in, 1/4 cup raisins (some cooked in, some on top) 2=walnuts (some crushed in, some crumbled on top and a scoop of cinnamon raisin swirl.
All accompanied by a cup of coffee with Vanilla Caramel cream. <3

Well, its early yet I suppose, so the day may still be salvaged. I don't know, but I'll hope. There must always be hope.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Spots and Spaces.

Big day today, big day. Had the weigh in this morning with Mumzy. Sometimes I really wish my body would do what it's supposed to do when I increase my calories. I suppose I should have just done a flat out 500 last week instead of 250. But I'm pushing up today by five hundred, so hooray for me.
ED is flipping shit and I am enjoying every minute. "You can't add that to dinner! Are you crazy?"No. Not crazy. Just willing to do what it takes to defeat this eating disordered voice. And if that means I have to have dessert with dinner every night from now on, so be it. Ain't no shame in having some fun foods. Anorexia has been creeping up - ever so subtley that even I didn't notice I was no longer having "treats". Perfect timing to add 'em back in though. Its a wonderful and delicious way to make my increase a bit easier to incorporate (at least in terms of fullness).
And so! My dessert of choice:

Dove Dark Chocolate and Tiramisu squares. These were sooo good! I had almost forgotten my love of dark chocolate. Little bonus: Each one has a loving message inside.
Oh! And speaking of loving messages, I decided I wanted to do something for Operation Beatiful. Here is my note, left tacked onto the scale at the gym:




Sooo beautiful Kiki tagged me for a survey.
I'm going to show y'all my decorative work on my laptop, since it doesn't really have a definitive area in which it's used:

Also, next to the "mouse pad" is a giant fuzzy elephant sticker. Yay stickers! had this baby since 2006.

What are you wearing right now?
Cobalt blue gathered top with a banded bottom, dark khaki mini-skirt from A&F. hemp and jade necklace that I made.

What's the last thing you read/are currently reading?
Currently reading "Limbo and Other Places I have Lived" by Lily Tuck

Do you nap a lot?
I used to....when I was in high school. Not any more though, since I went off antidepressants.

Who was the last person you hugged?
My mom! lol. Every morning before she goes to work.

What's your current obsession/addiction?
Oh god. I have several. Nicotine (shame on me!) acrylic paints, black ink pens.

What's for dinner?
Grilled tofu with spinach, sun dried tomatoes, sugar snap peas,olive oil and bulgur wheat mixed with hummus. And some Dove dark chocolate for dessert.

What was the last thing you bought?
::hides face:: Cigarettes...and food!

What are you listening to right now?
"Why Do You Love Me?" by Garbage. <3 Shirley Manson Oh wait! Now its "The New Black" by Everytime I Die (reppin' the New England core scene!)

If you could have a superpower, what would it be?
Everyone keeps saying mind-reading! But I really wouldn't want that - I can infer enough from people's behaviors and what they say. I think I would want to be able to fly. Or teleport myself. Yeah, I think that sounds neat, I like that idea. Teleportation it is.

What is your favorite weather and why?
75-80 degrees, warm, sunny. Like it is right now. Perfect for going outside to paint. Though I do like the crisper weather of autumn too.

What is your most challenging goal right now?
Convincing myself that yes, I really did need to eat an extra 500 calories. Also convincing myself that I don't need to make every single person I know happy and accepting that I can't make everything good for everyone all the time.

Favorite pair of shoes that you keep going back to over and over again even though you have a zillion others?
Turquoise peep-toed heels. And my neon Reeboks with the straps.

Name one thing you can't live without?
Means of artistic expression.

What time is bedtime?
Sunday through Thursday, have to be home by 10 so I don't block anyone into the drive way. Friday/Saturday - whenver I manage to get home that night. Though, mumzy is off for the summer so my sleep schedule will probably change since I no longer have to worry about blocking her car in the AM.

If there was one place you could be right now, where would it be?
Hmm. I think right here is good for now.

The five bloggers I tag, in no particular order! are...

Jemima
Maria
Rachel
Coco
Mitri

Hope everyone is having a lovely Friday night! I personally will be watching the thunder storms through the garden windows whilst listening to Everclear and eating my bowl of semi-frozen vanilla Chobani with homemade cherry pie filling, slivered almonds and Nutella. Hell yes for summer!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Sweet Morning Sunshine

So, the past few days they've been predicting nothing but rain.
This morning was full of sunshine. No complaints here. I just hope it lasts. I've been feeling so much better the past few days, and I am soo grateful for the good. This morning was absolutely wonderful. I had my first cup of coffee in months this morning. For the longest time, I had it in my head that it was a waste of space in my stomach due to how much I needed to eat. And as sad as this will sound, ED insisted that cuppa joe would be calories - however few- that were unaccounted for.
This morning I made coffee. In my pretty glass tea cup (ironically, a friend had sent it to me when I was inpatient last winter. Where I was not allowed to consume any non-calorically dense beverages).
This cup was special though. It wasn't black with artifical sweetener, like in anorexia's ruling days. Oh no. I decided if I'm going to have this, I'm going to have it. I had coffee with cream for the first time, ever.
It was great. Especially alongside perhaps my newest oat creation. Ladies and gentleman, I give you:


Double-Chocolate Banana Oat bran.
How to make: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in 1 cup chocolate soy milk, 1/2 TBS cocoa powder, 1 tsp cinnamon. Slice up 1 banana, thinly and mash in while stirring. After its all cooked and yummy looking, top with a liberal 2TBS of PB&CO White Chocolate Wonderful.
This definitely made my morning.
I am really hyper from the coffee now though...its been so long since I've had caffiene! I feel so awake. I think coffee is going back into my daily routine. Yep yep. Definitely going to have a cup tomorrow morning too.

Totally wishing I'd had a mug of coffee yesterday actually. I had to go for a DEXA scan yesterday morning, 8:30AM, right? Okay. So I got in my car at about 8:15, drove about three miles, was almost to the Osteoporosis Clinic on Silver Lane. Then I realized two very important things. First and foremost - It turned out my insurance wasn't accepted there, and I was supposed to be going to Advanced Radiology on Main Street (on the other side of town) and secondly, that I had left all of my paper work on the kitchen counter.
Yours truly somehow managed to make it back home, grab the paper work and get half way across town by 8:30 that morning.
I haven't gotten the results back yet but I'm crossing my fingers. I was diagnosed with osteopenia at seventeen, when I was a senior in high school. I'm hoping that my diligent consumption of calcium supplements and yogurt has helped remedy it, even if only partially.

Well, I hope everyone is having a great week so far. I can't believe its almost July already. Time passes, no matter what we do. I can't believe its been over a year now since I started refeeding myself. It doesn't matter how many weeks or months it takes though. As long as you're learning to love and care for yourself properly, I think that's the most important thing. And its definitely something I never learned in inpatient. So while yeah, I could have gotten healthier much more quickly in a hospital setting, its not real. Its like putting a pause on reality, changing just one variable, and then throwing you back into play. For some people, it truly may work. But I think for the vast majority, its just a stopgap to prevent death.
Does anyone remember the tortis and the hare? Slow and steady wins the race?
I think that recovery needs to be viewed in those terms. I think from now on, I am going to stop pressuring myself to be at X weight by X time, and I'm going to stop telling myself that I need to do X,Y,Z by next week. Goals are good, and they are helpful. But when there is so much pressure to meet them or else - I think it almost becomes detrimental in its own right. So no more beating myself up for not going out to eat last week, no more getting mad at myself because oops! I told myself I was only going to cut my sandwich in half today, not fours and I forgot. Big deal. Everything will come in time. As long as I know in my heart that each day is getting a bit better than the day before, and I keep my goals in mind as I go about each day - they will all be accomplished eventually.

"Freedom may not come as soon as you would like, but you will have it sooner than you think."
-My father, in one of his rare-but-brilliant moments.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happier Day.

First and foremost: I love you guys <33 Truly - words cannot express how glad I am to have so many people in my corner. I'm not worried about that anonymous commenter and I really think we should all stop paying attention to it. Its obviously the same person going around. And truly - as far as I'm concerned anyways - anyone who doesn't have the confidence to at least represent themselves with an actual name truly doesn't merit anyone's upset because obviously the things they are saying are not anything they themselves want to be connected to. Better just to see it for what it is, and ignore it.
I am feeling so much stronger today. And I cannot thank everyone enough. You're all so supportive and encoraging and I love you all to pieces!
I had a crazy dream last night - it was like two dreams at the same time. It scared me a bit, but it helped me realize what I need to do for myself - gain those last few pounds to make sure I am safe when I go back to school this fall. I'm going to do it. I've been struggling with it a bit after the doctor's appointment and her giving me the OK to stay where I am. But my dream made me see that staying where I am comfortable could be dangerous for me. I have to keep pushing forward or else I'll always be in that limbo between health and hazard.
So! Happy Sunday everyone and many hugs and love from me <3 Thank you for being your beautiful selves.


BTW - I did indeed mean 101.3 the radio station - I weigh considerably more than that, not that it's really anybody's business. Sorry if there was any confusion.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Honesty.

Today has not been my best day. I am scared to death right now actually. I feel like I am losing my grip on reality.
I look in the mirror.
"Thiry pounds thirty pounds thirty pounds"
I say it out loud. Thirty pounds.
I am in a public bathroom.
The woman standing next to me looks at me and says "What?"
I say "I've gained thirty pounds."
She says "Oh I know that time of the month can be rough, but trust me you haven't."
I say "No. I truly have gained thirty pounds over the course of the past year."
She says "Oh..my. Well, it certainly doesn't look like it. You could gain another thirty!"

I want to curl up in a ball and hide. I am so sick of this life. I know, I know. The only way out is up. But what do you do when up feels beyond your reach or comprehension - when the new life seems unimaginable and intangible? I know everyone tells me I am stronger and that I deserve more from life than the small, pathetic reapings of my eating disorder. I hear it and I know it. But believing and embracing that knowledge are two different things.
Anorexia's new favorite weapon - "If you were meant to beat this, you would have a long time ago."
I keep trying to force the thought out of my head. Pushing it out, reminding myself that I am older now, I have learned and experienced so much more that could give me the strength to beat this now.
Today it feels like I am threadbare and barely keeping it together. The majorty of this started with some extremely unnecessary commentary from my mother this morning - before breakfast no less. And now the whole day has perpetually gone down hill, my head filling with thoughts about how none of this has been worth the effort because in all honesty - I am still every bit as self-destructive as before, just through new means. I feel like I am the greatest pretender, the greatest liar and like everything about me is false. Maybe its just an identity crisis from moving so far away from my eating disorder. Maybe this is another one of anorexia's last ditch "efforts" to keep me within it's grasp. I don't know. I just wish that I felt like I had something to believe in. I know so many people believe in me, and that makes this all the harder to say. But after everything, I am beginning to find it harder and harder to believe in myself, in my life and my ability to live it. I have so many questions, so many unanswerable questions. I know that I shouldn't let the abstract aspects of life prevent me from moving forward. But at the moment, they are. I keep hoping things will be better when I can go back to school and am no longer confined to the house the majority of the day. but I am petrified things might just get worse.I suppose the bright side here is that at least I'm not drugging myself into oblivion like I would have a year or two ago. That's at least some progress, right?

In short - I am a wreck.


"I've been traveling on this road too long, just trying to find my way back home. The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone."
101.3 has perfect timing.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Titles are not my strong suit.

Hello lovelies! So, it rained all day yesterday, and it was supposed to rain from then till Tuesday. But this morning, I have a window full of sun! Ah, so so happy for that. I have had the most fantastic breakfasts the past two days, so I simply must share.


Thursday's creation was Pina Colada Oat Bran: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in 1 cup vanilla soy with an over ripe mashed banana cooked in, topped with about a dozen almonds and a tablespoon each of coconut flakes, orange marmalade and PB& Co. White Chocolate Wonderful.


This morning's bowl was Banana-Blueberry Swirl oats: 1/2 cup multigrain hot cereal cooked in 1 cup vanilla soy with another ripe 'nana sliced in, a big scoop of blueberry preserves swirled into the middle, topped with a tablespoon of coconut flakes an two tablespoons of peanut butter (White Chocolate and natural creamy, respectively)

In other news. I have come to the conclusion that I am horrible with titles. I have never named a poem or painting unless I absolutely had to, and I can't even define my relationships with people. The only definition or title I have adhered to in the past 10 years or so is "anorexic". Coming to the realization that I truly have no friends in real life has been hard to cope with the past few days. Most of the people I hang out with are guys. But are they really my friends (no) I hate to say it but 90% of them generally only talk to me in the hopes of getting laid. I admit I have my flaws but lately I've been thinking to myself "Do you really want to be that girl?" And truth be told, I don't know. I know I am stronger in myself now than I was before - actually told off the guy who I was seeing January (not sure if I talked bout him before, but I almost relapsed then because of how he badly he treated me) He's coming back into town tonight. He called me a few days ago, asking if he could see me. At first, I said yes. Mainly because I hate feeling like I've hurt someone else's feelings or let them down. After a bit of thinking, I realized I didn't want to see him again. He called me agin and I said "I have spent the past ten years with a voice inside my head other than my own, controlling and manipulating me. Now that it's finally going away, I do not care to replace with it something else."
I felt a bit nervous after I said it, I was scared I was being too harsh at first - but I realized that I was doing something I hadn't done for myself in a long time, I was protecting me. And I feel good about it now, I feel like I am a stronger person for being able to do that.
I'm trying very hard not to let everything build up and get to me. I know I am worth more than what the ED voice says I am, and I know it lies. And I will not let other people's perceptions or feelings about me encourage my ED.
I was that girl, you know the one, the one who's talked about in locker rooms and the one that gets the 2AM phone calls (funny story bout that actually!). At this point, I feel like I still am that girl. And I admit, I've been that girl for some time. And my anorexia has both fueled and fed off of that fact. If there's one thing I can offer as advice from my experience, its that learning to value yourself inside and out is the most important thing in the world.
It's taken some time, but I am seeing now that I do not want to be that girl anymore. I want to be the girl who knows she deserves better and who believes that better is something she can obtain. So begins the new quest: Not just to treat myself and my body better in terms of physical nourishment, but with respect and regards to heart, mind, and spirit as well.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Wednesday.

Wow...I am still somewhat in awe of all the comments I got on my last post. I cannot even begin to thank each and everyone of you all. I have never experienced so much support and encouragement as I have gotten through my blog, and I cannot express with words how much I appreciate the wisdom, experience and much-needed reality checks that I receive. You guys are the best <3

I've been doing alright, and reading what you guys have had to say has really helped me continue to push myself. I made myself up a meal plan to increase my calories a bit since I've been maintaining. LOL the ED voice is kinda like "WTF Are you doing?" but its making me laugh. Today I've had about 2oz of almonds AND a quarter cup of peanut butter.
And then I remember working myself up to just a single tablespoon of nut-buttery goodness. Ah. I looked through my old Xanga journal the other night. For the first time in a while, it hit me how sick I was mentally, even just eight months ago or so. In October, I had written an entry the day after my birthday. I had increased my calories by about 200 that day, 50 of which were added into my lunch. I went for a walk after that lunch, and a woman on the street approached me to ask if I was alright - she had seen me walking and I just looked so frail and sick - was I dying? I was terribly thin. Did I need food? I told her I was recovering from anorexia. She said she would pray for me.
The entire rest of the way home, I had been thinking to myself "How could she think I was so thin, I just had an extra 50 calories at lunch."

The fact that I had those thoughts horrifies me now. But it exemplifies in my mind how much progress I truly have made, and it goes to show that the only way to recover from an eating disorder is to challenge your fears and get to that healthy place. Its amazing how just eating better and getting my weight up has so drastically cleared my mind and helped me expand my world past the size of that little pin headed anorexic world. I am quite sure I am not the only one who has had that experience though - I think its part of moving on past the AN and getting your life back. Actually, I've been thinking about trying to redistribute my calories a bit differently so I only need 2 snacks a day instead of three. I feel kind of insecure about it...so I'm not 100% sold on the idea quite yet. But I might just do it, because then it would give me more time to do what I want to do instead of having to worry about eating at X time. Its weird how the ED works. It used to never want me to eat at all, but now its got me worried that if I'm not eating six times a day my metabolism will slow down or something. Blergh. Will figure it out all in good time.

But, before I go, I'll share with you some of my physical and emotional nourishment of the day:


Breakfast: 1/2 cup Dorset Berries n Cherries muesli soaked this morning in 4oz vanilla soy milk and 1/3 cup plain yogurt. Stirred in 1/4 cup almonds and a spoonful of coconut flakes and topped with a large banana and a tablespoon of creamy peanut butter. I really liked this bowl a lot, haven't had muesli for brekki in a while and it was perfect weather this morning for it. I liked how all the dried fruits in the Dorset cereal turned my cereal a pretty shade of lavender blue ^.^


And...new shoes!


Alright. I usually don't wear heels - I tend to feel like they cause me to draw way too much attention to myself. I used to wear them allll the time when I was doing better with the ED thing (in like...2006/2007 LOL long time I know) But I really loved these and the price...well, too good to pass up.
Original price: $50.00
My price: $15.00

Can anyone guess where I bought these? If not, I'm quite sure this little lady can give you a clue. My mom and I go bargain shopping together. Fun times. I highly recommend it as a method of bonding.

Well, I hope everyone is having a beautiful Wednesday. I know I for one, definitly did. First time I've seen this much sun since sometime in May. So, I'm a happy girl for the moment. I'm crossing my fingers for more sunshine tomorrow as well.

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Appointment.

So. This morning was my doctor's appointment. I'll be honest - I was afraid. I have had so many things wrong with me over the years, and really wouldn't be surprised if even just one of those many things became a permanent dysfunction.
So, this morning I had a bowl of comfort for breakfast, just becaues you know - that's what I do.

In ze bowl: 1 serving of Kashi Autumn Wheat plus some Bear Naked fruit&nut granola (nuked up in vanilla soymilk), almonds, sliced banana, a scoop each of WCW and creamy peanut butters. This was so good. As nervous as I was, I still got to enjoy breakfast.


So now I know y'all want the scoop.

Well. I saw the APRN today, instead of the usual doctor. She saw me just before I entered LIJ in January 2008. So, I had to give my little shpeel about coming home from inpatient last spring, dropping down to XX pounds (at 5'8.5" - this was a very dangerous weight), being denied treatment, so on and so forth. First of all, her draw dropped at the words "denied treatment by my insurance company." Then telling her the awful things they said to my mother ("We'll call in a few weeks to see if she's still alive.") - woman was in shock.
Then she said to me "You have done this all on your own?" "Just with some support from my mom and therapist. I plan out all of my meals and everything, and I make sure I'm eating XXXX calories everyday." "Wow. You have done an amazing job."

I am going to be OK.
She ran a blood panel to test for deficienices. My anemia has cleared up. I no longer have folate or iron deficiences, and my hemoglobin and hematacrit (red blood/baby red blood cell) levels are in the normal zone. In the past, I have been frightfully low in all of those things - to the point where I almost needed a transfusion and have had to be hospitalized.

The only abnormalities were with my thyroid and :sigh: heart. Apparently, my thyroid is functioning on the higher end of normal. But the APRN told me that it just meant my body is processing food more in attempt to get the most out of what I was eating that it could, and since I don't show any of the other symptoms of thyroid disorders, I'm probably fine. My heart rate is pretty low - blood pressure is 90/60 when stressed and I smoke (shame on me), which does also raise your heart rate/BP and my pulse is kind of weak. That could be attributed to having been a runner, or it could be weakening of my heart muscles. She said overall though, everything seemed normal and that I was 100% healthy.

In a way, this frightens me. Its like all traces of the anorexia are gone now, and its all inside my head. I almost feel like none of it was even real now - like all the memories I have are just made up little stories and works of fiction.
My mom was a bit upset because aforementioned nurse also said she was very pleased with my weight and felt that if I could maintain where I am right now, I'd be in great shape. This is really hard, because I do feel like I am OK at this weight and that I look good, I can eat what I want, and this is generally the weight I've always been at when healthy. My mother wants me to put on another 10+ pounds. I feel tremendously guilty for not even wanting to think about that right now. I suppose this is where my issue with that "anorexic magical thinking" still comes in. I still believe in my mind that if I am meant to weigh a cetain weight, I will eventually get to it. I suppose with a normal person, that would be true. But I have to consistently remind myself that I do have an eating disorder that may very well prevent me from continuing to get to that healthy place if I don't push for it.

Edited: An annonymous poster noted that I mentioned my former weight. I am SO sorry I did that and it was entirely on accident. I was just thinking about the conversation had between me and the doc, and I guess I typed it out without even thinking instead of doing my usual "bleeping". I am SO SO sorry if anyone else read that and it triggered them.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Saturday with apologies.

Hello again all!

I'm sorry for not having posted in so long! I just haven't felt like myself in the past several days. it's been really hard honestly - I don't know what's wrong. I think it might have been the rain. It always seems to drain me. I've been kind of dealing with a lot of things. Too many people wanting of me, too many things I am trying to want for myself. It's been really confusing and I keep feeling like the days are never going to end. I feel really guilty right now because this morning I got really upset with my mom. I told her I was tired of having to constantly worry about my weight and I just wanted to be left alone. I feel very badly, because I know she just wants to make sure I am okay. But I spend every day worrying about if I really did eat enough or not, and every week I am petrified of getting on the scale. I know I haven't gained back all of the 2lbs I lost while sick. And I know I need to put it back. And I am trying. Helllooo quarter-cup of PB every morning! But apparently my metabolism isn't cooperating quite yet. I just...I don't know. I feel like I have come so far and no one cares. All anyone cares about is what I do or do not weigh. And I am tired of caring. I am so past all of this crap about numbers. I really don't want to know my weight anymore. I just want to be happy. And as long as I have to think about my weight, I know that will never really be.
On the bright side - I did get a hair cut and it's quite nice. I can do a bunch of different stuff with it so hopefully I'll start actually playing with my hair again (I generally just wash'n'go). I did actually attempt it this morning, just for you guys.

I haven't actually decided whether or not I like it yet or not, nor whether I'll keep it like this for the summer, or let it grow back in a bit. Its cropped down all along the sides and through the back, but the top is a bit long so I can push and play with that. I haven't had it quite this short in a while - not since I was rocking the 'hawk. I can actually spike this up too if I feel like it. Next time I have the 'hawk in action, I'll post a picture so you all can giggle over how incredibly silly I look ^.^

Oh yea! Here's breakfast:

Cocoa Mole Oatbran! After the favorited larabar, of course. I did it up using 1/2 cup oatbran cooked with chocolate soy milk, 1TBS cocoa powder,1-2tsp cinnamon, teeny pinch chili powder (yes, I was afraid of putting chili into my breakfast!) and a mashed-in banana, then topped it off with some shelled walnuts and creamy PB. For real kids - tastes just like the bar. Only better because, well, it was a whole bowl.

Hope everyone is off to a great start on their weekends!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Tuesday.

Hello lovelies! Hope everyone is having a great one today. Despite the rain, I find myself feeling especially cheerful this morning. :shrugs: No idea why. Though I bet my fantastic breakfast creation helped put me in a good mood.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in vanilla soy with a banana mashed in, topped with a big handful of chopped almonds, sliced dried aprictos and two tablespoons of White Chocolate Wonderful. I loved this breakfast <3 I haven't eaten dried apricots in ages. They were one of the few foods I allowed myself to eat when I was still restricting and it was rather pathetic. I considered 3 of them a meal. :sigh: I avoided them for ahile, though we always have a container in the house (my father eats them like candy now LOL my healthy eating habits have rubbed off!) I have a tendency to avoid eating anything that I ate whilst in my deepest relapse of anorexia, thus I no longer eat Kix, bran flakes, waffles, yoplait light, or canteloupe. Some of the things I used to do to my food make me beleive I was truly nuts. I'd make those lovely Kashi waffles in the toaster and proceed to peel it apart and throw away any part of the waffle that had touched the toaster, leaving myself with nothing but the fuzzy white insides. Did the same thing with yogurts - any part of the yogurt that touched the container couldn't be consumed. Those days make me sad, but it reminds me of how much progress I have made. Even if there are still one hundred million steps to take, I've already come half way.

I went to the gym this morning. AN girl was there again. I feel so badly for her. I can see in her face, she is not enjoying it when she exercises, it is something she does out of that malicious self-punishing drive. The same one I used to have. I know that haunted, driven look as I have seen it so many times. The light goes out in your eyes and you just go into this zone where you feel nothing. Its a frightening place to be. I admit, sometimes when I'm working out I can feel myself slipping back into that place. That's why I'm very careful with my cardio and set the timer on the machine for ten minutes. Otherwise I'd go all day without even thinking about it.
She stares at me, and watches me as I walk past her. I know why, we all know why. The anorexic competition. But I'm not playing the game. I don't care if I don't do 40 minutes of cardio every day - I don't need to do that and I have no reason to. It bugs me though, because she is comparing herself to me. And I'm sure I know what the ED voice is telling her as I walk by in my rather oversized clothing. She looks so desperate for some sort of confirmation. I wanted to talk to her, to say something. My mind kept telling me I needed to help her because she might not have anyone else who can. But it hit me today, for the first time. I cannot save everyone. And it is not my job to make everything better. This is a huge revelation for me. My whole life, I have been the person my friends came to with their problems. It has always been my "job" to make other people smile again when they are sad, to lift them up when they are down. I remember in high school, when my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, I serenaded S and essentially our entire study hall with "I Will Survive". I have always been like that - striving to help other people anyway I can. Today though, I realized that I am not so special, so important that I have the power to fix it all. I can't. I am just one person. Can I make a difference? Perhaps. Can I help people who actually want to be helped? Certainly. But I cannot keep spreading myself so thinly that I have no energy left to help myself. And that is precisely what I would do in the past. I would always put every effort into making my friend's lives better, but never took any of that time for myself. I am realizing now that in order for me to continue this road of recovery, I need to make sure I stil allow myself some "me" time as well.

In honor of my "me time", I sat down and started reading a new book today. I'm a bit annoyed at myself, as I'm already half way through. :sigh: I read far too quickly. But I love it, so I guess its okay. Reading fast means I get to read that many more books, right? Right. And it keeps me occupied in a healthy way.

I'm really nervous. I have to get blood drawn tomorrow morning. And I have the most horrific memories of that. When I was 15, I was diagnosed with very severe anemia - both iron and folate deficient. My hemoglobin level was down to 4. I had to be hospitalized that June actually, first week of summer vacation. Anyways. I spent most of that year getting weekly blood drawings. I had bruises up and down my arms for months as the technicians would spend what seemed like hours fishing around in my arms, searching for a viable vein to penetrate. :shudders: The other kids in my grade thought I had taken to shooting up coke or heroin, because I had also started to lose weight very rapidly and developed insomnia. So I looked pretty bad I guess. At the time, I'd rather have had them think I was doing drugs than let anyone know the truth.
In recent times, I had the same problems with getting blood drawn and getting tubes put in. I still have a small scar on my left arm from that damned male nurse at White Plains Hospital who refused to try my hot pack idea before sticking me with a needle. He put a ten gauge (that's really big, FYI) needle into my shriveled, malnourished veins, expecting it to work. Spent a solid ten minutes fishing while I sat there, freezing in the emergency room, pleading for a blanket. Another (female) nurse came over, looked at me, looked at the male nurse and said "What are you doing! You can't use that big needle on her veins! Let me go get the baby needles. Sweetie you look cold, I'm getting you one of the hypothermic blankets." Oh man. I loved that woman. She's also the same nurse who thankfully tested my blood before giving me the tranfusion, and saw that my iron level was stable and that I didn't actually need to be transfused. Never in my life have I ever felt such gratitude towards anyone in the medical community.

Anyways! I am a bit afraid that despite my more-nourished state and physical health, tomorrow morning will bring nothing but more fishing stories and bruising. I have no fear of needles at least. So that does make it a bit easier. But its still just really freaky. I hope it goes okay.

Well. I have done enough rambling on for one night haha. I swear, I didn't mean to write that much. I start babbling and it all comes out. That's me though - no secrets! Woo. Okay. I hope everyone has been having a great Tuesday!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Scattered.

"Five hundred dollars a day is what baby gets paid for being just another pretty face" -juliana hatfield
These words keep repeating in my head. I have gotten four modeling offers in the past two days. Two of which are offering me upwards of $300-500 dollars. Being broke and not having a job makes it really hard. I know I need to take myself away from that world, but at the same time I love it, and I am good at it (shameless) But. I feel like it might be bad for me. There is something oddly depressing to me about the idea of making money purely off of my appearance. Society puts too much value on that sort of thing and I think its causing our generation to deteriorate. I mean - how many people sneer at someone just because they aren't dressed as well, or look down on someone because they don't have perfect hair or flawless skin? Big fucking deal. There is so much more to a person, yet all anyone seems to care about is whether or not they are trophy material.
I am guilty of this too. We all are. And we are bred that way I suppose. But deep down, I know I don't want to just be the pretty girl. That's a good part of what caused my ED. The attention frightened me. I wanted to make myself unlovable, untouchable. I never wanted anyone to want to me. I wanted someone to care about me, for more than just a knotch in the bedpost. The sad part is, no matter how low my weight got, it didn't make a difference. I still had the same face.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that no matter where I go or what I do, I cannot escape myself forever.

I'll be honest - this weekend has been really difficult for me. I am not sure as to why, though I'm certain getting my period has made me half-crazy. Yesterday, I had the headache to end all headaches. I was wearing sunglasses indoors because the lights were making me dizzy - it was that bad. I actually popped some Tylenol - which I NEVER do because back in the very old ED days, I would take it religiously to ward off the headaches and nausea I would get from the starvation and anemia (I developed very severe anemia - had to be hospitalized twice for it). So Tylenol and I are not good friends.
The obsessive-compulsive nature of my eating disorder has been making me nuts lately - with the meal planning and constantly counting how many grams of protein, fats and carbohydrate and making sure it equals out - if I get a gram more here, there has to be a gram less there and vice versa. It is so, so frustrating and stupid. I know it, I feel it and I hate it. I am beginning to think the best thing for me is to stop planning meals all together. I am very, very afraid of this concept, but I believe it may be what is best for me right now. I plan on talking to my therapist about it first, just to get some support in my decision. My mom wants me to see a nutritionist, to see about working on getting an exchange plan, or having them to help me make up meal plans or something. I'm not entirely comfortable with it though, partly because I have done this independently for so long. It almost feels like a step backwards to start asking for outside help now. I'm really just a stubborn pain in the ass and prefer to take care of myself, and I do have a slightly hardened view of any medical professional these days due to my past experiences. I know I shouldn't hold grudges, but in my head, its like "These people wouldn't help me when I was at my sickest and in desperate need. Why in hell am I going to pay them money to "help" me now, after months of enduring this on my own and succeeding?"
It also seems to me that it is trading one evil for another, to start working off exchanges again. I'd still be counting, calculating, thinking. I want to be able to just eat what Victoria decides she wants for breakfast, everything else be damned. I don't know if its a good idea or not though. I am slightly afraid that part of my feeling of being fed up and tired is stemming from anorexia, trying to worm back in and send me right into restriction and weight loss without me realizing it. I suppose this would be why I intend on talking to my therapist about it, in hopes of figuring out if I am safe enough now to stop planning every bite.

In spite of all these minor inconveniences, I managed to have some indulgences today.

Breakfast:

Multi-grain hot cereal cooked in vanilla soy, big over ripe banana, strawberries, White Chocolate and natural creamy peanut butters. This was sooo good. Tasted just like banana bread, and I loved it. Definitely need to ripen my bananas more often - makes the bowl so much creamier and sweeter. How does one make a banana ripen a banana you ask? If you happen to have apples on hand, putting the banana with them over night will make it ripen up faster. Little tidbit of info from my old man. He works in construction, but he's a farmer at heart. I'll have to show y'all our garden when its in full growth. I went an entire summer and fall eating ratatouille for dinner with produce from the garden. I miss those days. I was still deeply entrenched in ED then, but oddly enough I never counted calories really. Its an obsession born between my last inpatient and my attempt at self-recovery. I suppose I did count back in the day, to a certain extent. I always knew if I was having more than the day before and I knew what to balance with, but it was never as compulsive as it is now.

However, I also never allowed myself to eat one of these with lunch:

Dove 70% Dark Chocolate squares
So. I suppose in spite of what I feel is now holding me back, I have still made progress. I think recovery is funny like that. Sometimes, you have to trade one bad habit for another to start getting yourself better. But eventually, you can overcome everything. Eventually, it will all get better and life won't feel so scattered and I won't feel so out of place. Maybe one day, this will all be a memory.

Friday, June 5, 2009

For revelations.

This morning was difficult. I went to the gym, since I've been feeling good for a few days now. There was another girl there - one who was actively anorexic. She looked sick, her face gaunt. She was wearing spandex no less. I felt a bit upset at first - but then was thanking God that I was wearing an oversized t-shirt from a concert a few years back and baggy sweats. I spent my entire time doing weights thinking to myself "I am so glad I don't look like that anymore and that all these people aren't staring at me. I am glad I am better." I'm not proud of it, but I did some body-checking, which is highly unusual for me, its really not my thing. I just had this feeling that I was mispercieving something and I couldn't figure out where the feeling was coming from. After getting showered and dressed, both me and AN-girl were in the locker room at the same time, in the mirror fixing our hair. It hit me then. I look just like her. My face isn't quite as sickly looking (duh! I actually eat and I am recovering - not slipping) but otherwise...bleh.
I came home and cried. I keep thinking that I look so much better and that I am so much healthier (which is true!) but times like this make me realize I am no where near what I percieve myself to be. I've got to get rid of this "You've already gained thirty pounds" mindset.

I'll be honest, I hadn't planned on having my usual extra snack when I came home from the gym. I hd to increase my calories today anyways, and I didn't have anything actually written out for myself to have. So I figured it wasn't a big deal, so I don't have the extra snack - I was eating more today anyways. Right? But, after that mirror experience, I knew I couldn't let ED win.

Cashew Cookie larabar. Lots of protein, fats and carbs in a teeny but satisfying footprint. The perfect after-work out snack. I really love bars in moments like these, when I know I should have something extra but have NO idea what to have. For me, it just works really well because bars are definitely satsifying, but they aren't such a big snack that I have trouble eating my next meal.

Speaking of meals, here's this morning's lovely breakfast:

Granola with mixed berries, soy milk, slivered almonds, carmelized banana, coconut flakes and WCW. I nuked my cereal, berries and banana in the mircowave before topping. Looks really milky, right? I don't actually like milky cereal, but using the whole cuppa milk makes getting calories in really easy. So I just heated it up like that and - silly as it sounds - I play with the bowl as I'm eating so I get all the cereal up with hardly any milk, and just kinda drink it down after LOL. I feel so ridiculous. If I didn't mind having to wash more dishes, I'd just pour the extra in a cup like a normal person...but hey! It was a fun, and warm breakfast. So great on this rather cold and dreary day. For real, if this June weather is any prediction of what the rest of this year will bring, I may have to move south for the winter. I'm thinking my brother might like having someone else around to help pay rent down in southern Virginia...

In other news, I baked brownies today. My mom was going to an "End of School Year" party at work and needed to bring a dessert. I learned something interesting too: despite being able to bake and cook very well, I cannot crack an egg very well. Lots of Clorox wipes were used after my first failed attempt. I suppose I just need more practice?

It feels like the days are flying by yet taking forever to pass. Its a weird feeling, I suppose something like limbo. The weeks escape you, slip through your fingers like drops of water, but the hours drag on with little give. At times its like I'm constantly waiting for something that I cannot seem to find. I'm certain if I had something that felt "rea" to occupy myself with - like school or a job - I wouldn't feel so lost. But I don't and I do. And that's life. Sometimes there is just nothing to do. Most of my friends say they wish that they could sit around and eat for a year. I don't think they don't quite grasp the concept that if its something essentialy imposed on you because of an otherwise life-threatening condition, its not going to be quite the picnic they envision. On the bright side, I do know that I will never take a single day I have for granted. I'm a little disappointed at the moment though. I figured out that if I took just three more studio courses at HCC, I could transfer out to MassART in the winter of 2010, and be a full-fledged sophmore. Got myself all excited. I had applied there in 2006, but my GPA was far too low. The letter they sent me read "We would love to be able to accept you based on your art work alone, but given your GPA, and the amount of applications we recieve, accepting someone who would have to be on academic probation would not be prudent." My GPA - 2.27 (I was pretty bad off for a bit - doing drugs. Failed every course but art and english as a freshie) Their minimum - 3.5 Yeah. I had high hopes. My GPA at HCC stands now at 3.7 at last check. So! Getting in = no problem.
Sounds all good right?
It was. Until i saw the new admissions fee. When I applied in '06, it was maybe $20,000 total, including rooming, food, and supplies. New cost estimate: $29,600
That makes about ninety grand for three years. I do not have that kind of money, and nor do my parents. So! It looks like I'll be stuck doing the community college thing for another year. :sigh: I really wanted to move out too. Maybe I still will. God knows I love my family, I truly do. But I often find myself feeling like I cannot truly, 100% get better until I learn to survive on my own, for myself.

One day, "free" will not just be a far off dreaming word. It will be reality. I don't know when, and I don't know where. But it will come.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Wednesdays, Worries, and Wonders.

Hello lovelies.

I will be honest here. I am struggling with myself lately. I am petrified of weighing myself. I am eating the same amount of calories that I have been but I can tell I am losing weight and I don't know why. i have my first real doctor's appointment in months on June 15th. I am scared of going and finding out that something is wrong with my digestive system. I have been experiencing some rather concerning mornings in the bathroom, remniscent of when I first started eating again and my body was flushing everything out before it was even digested (TMI? Probably, but now y'all now how serious things can get with AN, not that you didn't already...) I think I am still digesting for the most part at least, which means a good portion of the calories I am eating are being absorbed. There is a history of IBS, ulcerative colitis and celiac sprue in my family. I am hoping its just a side effect from being sick, perhaps my body is just devoting more energy/focus into getting well as opposed to taking care of my GI tract? But due to this being something that has happened before, and more than once, I am concerned it might be something more. Its really frustrating. I have this massive fear now that one of my rather vital organs is failing again and that the progress I've made will be lost. For now though, my plan is to stick to a higher-fat diet and hope that will salvage me.

Today's breakfast was a lovely bowl of chocolate-banana peanut butter oat bran.

In ze bowl: 1/3 cup oat bran cooked in vanilla soy with 1/2 a mashed banana, 1TBS each creamy peanut butter and Nutella with the rest of sliced 'naner on top. After I tok the picture, I took my spoon and swirled it all up. Sooo good. Unpictured is my glass of OJ and 1/2 oz of almonds that I had on the side.

I also had dark chocolate coconut oats for snack before bed.

In this bowl we have 1/3 cup multigrain and flax cereal cooked with vanilla cream coffee creamer, 2TBS unsweetened cocoa powder, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp brown sugar and topped with a heaped tablespoon of coconut flakes. This was sooo fudgy and good - felt like a real, true dessert. ^.^

Sorry for not having more pictures today. I really meant to take more! But food wasn't terribly interesting, though quite yummy. Lots of peanut butter today (I think I've had a quarter cup total, and an ounce of almonds lol). And hummus and other lovely things.

I had therapy today, which meant bringing a snack. Soo, for giggles I went to Starbucks and got a mocha frapp with topping. Walking in the door with the drink in my hand...oh I wish I'd had a camera. The awe-struck expression on my therapist's face was entirely amusing. We did a lot of talking today, about past experiences and such. I talked to him about my (brief) time at Pratt in 2006. It was a bit hard, recalling everything. I look back now, and wonder why I didn't let the friends I had made there help me. I remember D coming into my dorm, plateful of pasta, wanting me to split it with him, or K offering me one of her poptarts every night. And I always refused. I think the worst memory is when a bunch of us were helping this woman/teacher, Josephine, with a huge installment she was doing for some project. I remember spending Saturday morning there. And S went to go grab lunches for everyone. He asked me what I wanted. I said nothing, not hungry. The boy brought me back not one, not two, but THREE pie-plates filled with different salad combos because he "wasn't sure what I'd like." And I remember feeling my face flush, mostly in disbelief that anyone could ever care that much to do that for me. And I felt so afraid that I shrunk away. And S's face...he had this huge smile, like he felt so proud of himself, so happy that he was bringing me food, and I turned it down. I regret so much, and I wish I had let them help me more. I guess I just wasn't ready - I just couldn't understand why anyone would care that much.I remember before I got sent home, I was starting to try to eat more. And my body had stopped processing food by that point. Curling up on the floor in front of the bathroom door in tears as you beg one of your room mates to finish doing her hair in five minutes because your body has decided to reject any and all solid food you try to consume is NOT glamorous and it is not pleasant. Nor is looking at yourself in the mirror and having it hit you that you've never been that thin before, or having this conversation after coming out out a shower. You ask your roomies if you look OK, and and they say "Yeah, that shirt looks great with those jeans!" You say, "No. I mean, do I look okay?" And then they hug you in their arms and say "Sweetie, no. No. You don't. You've lost so much weight." And then you cry bcause you don't know what to do.
Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and fix those mistakes, and make myself garner the strength and courage I had this time around. But then it hits me - the reason why I was able to be strong now is because of what I lost, and what I suffered and experienced. If not for those memories of falling down, of all those things haunting me, I would not be the person I am today, and I would never have been able to do what I am doing now. Maybe I would have salvaged some of my life, but I don't think that at that time, even if I had gained enough weight to sustain myself at school, that I would have been recovering. I would have just been skating by, and existing then. This though, this is recovering and it is real. I know it in my heart this time that it will be okay. No matter how many times I question it, or how many bad days I have where I feel like giving in, I know that this time I will make it work. Because honestly, its the only choice I have.

Do you ever feel like your ED is standing outside, waiting for you to come back to it? Sometimes I feel like mine is. Like its just waiting for something horrific to happen to me, so it can swoop in and "save" the day. Albeit, given some of the rather poor choices I've made recently, I think ED would have tried swooping in right now by way of proclaiming me a horrible little tramp and wicked human being. But I know I am not those things, and I am accepting myself and my life for the way it is going. Maybe one day, I'll change. But for right now, things work well for me. I don't want to get too personal, but I'll say this much: I make mistakes in my relationships with friends. And sometimes, the mistakes really don't matter. Other times, I get afraid its going to blow up in my face because well, now my friend thinks we are more than friends. And we aren't. (this would be where "tramp" comes in) I have my flaws, and I am aware of them. I kind of talked to my therapist about this (its rather hard since he's, well a he) but we decided as long as I wasn't doing damage to my self-esteem or leading anyone on, that it wasn't really a bad thing. I've been thinking about it though, and I think its my way of having control over other people (this would be the horrible person part). Soo bad I know. I need to behave myself. And stop telling you all far too much information. But at least now we all know that I'm not perfect and that I do have issues I need to work on outside of my ED. Yay for something else to think about? Hm. Maybe.

Night loves.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Monday

Hey again all! Sorry for not posting - I've been really busy. I think its a good sign though - means I'm finding more to do with my life, right? I've been spending a lot of time hanging out with K. Actually spent most of my afternoon with him today. I really like being with him - he's like one of the only people I feel like I can really talk to, and be myself around. I have other friends that I am comfortable with, but not in the sense that I can really tell them what's going on with me. So its really nice to have that. Plus, he's adorable so of course you know, that does kind of add to the list of reasons why I like hanging out with him.

I'm still feeling slightly run down at the end of the day thanks to my now-lingering cold. :sigh: I can honestly say though, despite upping the calories a bit, and feeling exhausted at times, ED really hasn't bothered me at all in several days. There's the occasional blip of "omg! Do I look OK?" but that' more based on the fact that I still tend to wear t-shirts and sweats around the house (c'mon! Who doesn't?) so when I do go out, I can never decide what to wear. Anyways. It is such a comfort in my mind, to not be having all the anorexic-thoughts swimming around in my head all day. I never really thought about it before honestly, until a friend I was talking to on the phone asked about it. She asked about how I was dealing with eating, if I still had those guilty feelings and anxiety - and that is when I realized that I hadn't felt those things in months! I suppose on a bad day when I'm tired, eating is harder, but that's mainly just due to not having an appetite. I can honestly say, eating in and of itself, even when I'm having a hard time with body image, does not cause me the stress or anxiety it used to. Now I accept it as something I need to do, and as part of a daily routine. Breakthrough? I think so. My therapist would call this kind of sudden realization a quantum leap. Because you start out on this journey, seeing this huge distance that you have to go to reach your goals, and you don't always notice the tiny steps you make each day, but then suddenly you look at where you are, and you see you've come a thousand miles already. There still may be a thousand left to go, but the amount of progress you've built up on seems to generate overnight.

So. Here's some of my latest creations that I've found to be most enjoyable:

Sunday Breakfast: 1/2 cup oats cooked in soymilk with canned pumpkin, raisins and cinnamon stirred in, topped with almonds, flaked coconut and WCW. Looooved this breakfast. I had some mini-banana-wiches on the side. Took a 'naner, cut it into slices and spread half of them with PB and the other half with orange marmalade and then smushed them together. That was fun haha, made me feel like a five year old but it was good.


Monday Breakfast: Cherry Pie'd Bircher-muesli. I took Dorset Berries n Cherries, soaked it over night in 1/2 cup vanilla soy and 1/4 cup plain yogurt. This morning, I added another 1/4 cup each yogurt and soy, and topped it with almonds, granola and a crumbled Cherry Pie larabar. This was really good - it was super refreshing thanks to the combination of tart and sweet. It was weird not having peanut butter in my breakfast, but definitely a good change I think.


Monday Lunch: OK. This was a really weird, but totally awesome pasta salad I made. I took whole wheat pasta and mixed it with peas and raisins, and topped it with ricotta and avocado wedges. It was really good, and I would definitely have it again. Sorry for the weird pic - I had about 3/4 of my plate filled, and the other 1/4 of it was filled with my apple and PB, but since we all know what that looks like I didn't feel the need for it to make an appearance.

Alright loves. I know I usually go all introspective and start typing out a bunch of random stuff around now. But I've already taken my cold medicine and its hitting me right about now. Goody goody I know. But hey, sleeping through the night totally wins out over the icky drowzy feeling. I really wanted to get in some sort of post though. Hope y'all don't mind if I cut this one a bit short (how short are my posts ever really anyways? I'm so very wordy)

Hope everyone has had a great start to their week! Nighty night.