So its Tuesday morning. I've had a lot on my mind lately. I've had to come to terms with many things over the past few days, and it has been a bit of a struggle.
First and foremost, I am still not at a healthy weight for my height. Its frustrating to have to accept this, especially when I know plenty of people only an inch or two shorter than me who are probably about the same weight. But I had to realize that you know what, this is MY body. I am recovering from an ED. I cannot just "let it go" because truly, I do not feel free. I still do feel afraid of weighing any more than what I do right now and I KNOW that means I am NOT at the best place I can be. Maybe this is the right weight for me, maybe its not. But I will never know until I get past this current weight and can afford to eat when I am hungry and stop when I'm full. Right now, I have to force myself to eat whether I am hungry or not because I have no wiggle room - and because the ED mindset is still slightly intact - I am still rather fearful of eating "too much". So I've made a choice - to gain a few more pounds, get to a proper BMI and by then, I figure that all the rest of this will fall away. I've done my research and I know that if I feed myself properly, my body will settle into whatever weight its meant to be at. But if I keep up with the way I am now, I may never find out what "healthy" truly is for me and my body. And I'd rather find that place and learn to live happily there than risk having to deal with possible relapses and side affects from never fully recovering from AN for the rest of my life.
This is really hard for me to say. Everyone says I look great just the way I am right now. But I have to let go of that, let go of my fears and see where I land. It may be that this is the right weight for me, it may be that I need to weigh five or ten pounds more. I don't know. I've had AN for so many years, its impossible for anyone to know what BMI trend I was following. I will find out though. I will trust my body and I will trust myself. It will be okay. Even as I type these words, my mind is reeling. But this is the truth. I feel like I've been lying all this time. But I haven't. I've gotten progressively healthier over the past however many months it is now - I think 18. its taken me a great deal longer that most to follow through in recovery, I freely admit that. Most people would laugh at me. It took me 16 months to gain 35 pounds. A part of me wishes I had pushed myself harder in the beginning and was done with all of this already. But I also know that making the choices myself, doing it for me finally, is what has helped me keep it together this time around. So even if it takes me a while longer, as long as I know I'll get there, that's all that matters. And to be honest, I don't care what anyone has to say about how long its taken me, or all the things I did wrong (and oh! Did I ever make mistakes!) It was a learning experience and its taught me the greatest lessons of my life.
After a few conversations with friends last night, I feel much more secure in my decision to be able to finally let go of anorexia for good. A few more pounds will take me out of the anorexic BMI category. And while those few pounds will hardly be noticeable, I think its really important to remove myself from "that" place, if you know what I mean?
I told one of my friends the other night that it was "about time for me to shut anorexia down for good and bury that $%#%# like old bones." Response - "This is why I like you. And btw, I'm holding you to that. No turning back - just do it."
Don't we love my friends?
Now, for a midmorning snack to cheer this post up!
Plain Greek yogurt with honey, sliced green apple for dipping and what! A Cashew-Pecan Nut Butter Ball from Maya and Eliza!
This was totally delish. I was expecting the nut-butter ball to taste like a Cashew Cookie larabar - totally wrong! It had a hint of sweetness, and was creamy and crunchy all at the same time. I really enjoyed it - it was almost like cookie dough. The yogurt and honey were a perfect icing to this cookie-like little treat. I'm looking forward to trying the almond butter version.
Hope everyone has a great Tuesday!
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago