Tuesday, January 19, 2010

1/19

Hey hey.
So its Tuesday morning. I've had a lot on my mind lately. I've had to come to terms with many things over the past few days, and it has been a bit of a struggle.
First and foremost, I am still not at a healthy weight for my height. Its frustrating to have to accept this, especially when I know plenty of people only an inch or two shorter than me who are probably about the same weight. But I had to realize that you know what, this is MY body. I am recovering from an ED. I cannot just "let it go" because truly, I do not feel free. I still do feel afraid of weighing any more than what I do right now and I KNOW that means I am NOT at the best place I can be. Maybe this is the right weight for me, maybe its not. But I will never know until I get past this current weight and can afford to eat when I am hungry and stop when I'm full. Right now, I have to force myself to eat whether I am hungry or not because I have no wiggle room - and because the ED mindset is still slightly intact - I am still rather fearful of eating "too much". So I've made a choice - to gain a few more pounds, get to a proper BMI and by then, I figure that all the rest of this will fall away. I've done my research and I know that if I feed myself properly, my body will settle into whatever weight its meant to be at. But if I keep up with the way I am now, I may never find out what "healthy" truly is for me and my body. And I'd rather find that place and learn to live happily there than risk having to deal with possible relapses and side affects from never fully recovering from AN for the rest of my life.

This is really hard for me to say. Everyone says I look great just the way I am right now. But I have to let go of that, let go of my fears and see where I land. It may be that this is the right weight for me, it may be that I need to weigh five or ten pounds more. I don't know. I've had AN for so many years, its impossible for anyone to know what BMI trend I was following. I will find out though. I will trust my body and I will trust myself. It will be okay. Even as I type these words, my mind is reeling. But this is the truth. I feel like I've been lying all this time. But I haven't. I've gotten progressively healthier over the past however many months it is now - I think 18. its taken me a great deal longer that most to follow through in recovery, I freely admit that. Most people would laugh at me. It took me 16 months to gain 35 pounds. A part of me wishes I had pushed myself harder in the beginning and was done with all of this already. But I also know that making the choices myself, doing it for me finally, is what has helped me keep it together this time around. So even if it takes me a while longer, as long as I know I'll get there, that's all that matters. And to be honest, I don't care what anyone has to say about how long its taken me, or all the things I did wrong (and oh! Did I ever make mistakes!) It was a learning experience and its taught me the greatest lessons of my life.

After a few conversations with friends last night, I feel much more secure in my decision to be able to finally let go of anorexia for good. A few more pounds will take me out of the anorexic BMI category. And while those few pounds will hardly be noticeable, I think its really important to remove myself from "that" place, if you know what I mean?
I told one of my friends the other night that it was "about time for me to shut anorexia down for good and bury that $%#%# like old bones." Response - "This is why I like you. And btw, I'm holding you to that. No turning back - just do it."
Don't we love my friends?

Now, for a midmorning snack to cheer this post up!

Plain Greek yogurt with honey, sliced green apple for dipping and what! A Cashew-Pecan Nut Butter Ball from Maya and Eliza!
This was totally delish. I was expecting the nut-butter ball to taste like a Cashew Cookie larabar - totally wrong! It had a hint of sweetness, and was creamy and crunchy all at the same time. I really enjoyed it - it was almost like cookie dough. The yogurt and honey were a perfect icing to this cookie-like little treat. I'm looking forward to trying the almond butter version.

Hope everyone has a great Tuesday!

17 comments:

  1. this is fabulous, tori!!! i have been having a hard time lately too--i am technically at a "healthy" BMI, but I know in my heart that it is not MY body's healthy weight and that I need to gain at least 5 more pounds. I really admire you for honoring your body. I have the exact same problem--people telling me how great I look, etc. and when I tell them I want to gain more weight they say "but why?!"

    But you know what, our society is totally messed up. People think that skinny=happy, and you and I both know that is the farthest thing from the truth. HEALTHY=happy! And every body is different. I am vowing to reach MY body's healthy weight, and I'm glad you are too!

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  2. Tori,
    you are amazing, and i so understand where you are coming from, and you are so strong to recognize that maybe you do need to gain more, and it is so true that the more restored an anorexic's weight is the less likely there will be a chance of a relapse, and lovie, from someone who saw you in person 4 days ago ;) i can assure you that you do look underweight still and you would look even more amazingly beautiful with the rest of the weight you need to gain... and taking long to gain the 35 lbs is not something that i think is bad at all, i really admire the pace that you took your recovery, you took a break and got used to your new weight and then as you have said you saw that you didnt look normal, and you were still a lot thinner than other girls, and you did it all on your own! and i think that sometimes taking it slow is good, it is good to look out for ourselves, and in IP i find that b/c of the fast pace of weight gain etc, it is a shock to me and i never do well when i leave.
    you are such a strong little cookie ;) and i am so proud of you for wanting to get 100% to Tori's healthiest potential, your body will thank you, and so will your mind...and your life will be 100001 times more amazing! :)
    ahh that nut butter ball, love those, yes tastes like raw cookie dough! ;) and looks so yummi with the honey yogurt and apple! :)

    love you to bits
    xx
    Eliza

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  3. ~Tori!
    i am so happy to read this, this same topic was sort of on my mind this morning. like i too feel that i may need to take some time. but i don't wanna get stuck in the ana bmi weight range,too long, like u said, closer to a relapse and still holding on. yes, so important to remove ourselves from "that" place. and just seeing how determined u are to leave ur anorexia behind is so amazing, u are so aware of you need and want to do in recovery...so inspiring. i have so much faith u can do this!

    & the fact that it took u long to gain the 35lbs, it doesn't matter! u are stronger, bc of that! some girls who go ip and gain 35 in 3 months then come out and just are lost, and loose it, u know? bc u did IT ON UR OWN!!
    And believe me, i saw u a few days ago ;P and honestly 10 lbs would look amazing on u, u are still super teeny!
    love YOU! and that snacky omg yum! love those nutbuttaaa balls :)

    have a great day and ur friends comment was so great.
    xo
    maya

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  4. So glad to hear that and I've got so much faith in you!
    Something to remember: if people tell you that you look great, it doesn't mean you won't even look more beautiful with those few extra pounds!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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  5. This motivated me to JUST DO IT!!! I really need to just hop on the gain-train and say goodbye to this ED for GOOD!

    You're so inspirational Tor!

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  6. yup it's so important to reach a healthy bmi, find a place where you no longer obsess about your weight and would be able to accept gaining a few or losing a few without a big emotional reaction, THEN let your body figure out what weight is best. if you step aside and let your body get where it functions best, you'll be fine! it's not easy but you can do it

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  7. Thank you so much for this post! I love your blog. I am at a similar current stage, getting the "you look well now" comments, it's so hard as I know that to be healthier, avoid more damage to my bones and be out of that anorexic mindset I must gain to my target - not stop. My mum even said to me "well why dont you stop for a while and then start gaining again when you've got used to this weight"....er not helpful!! But we must keep going! Wishing you luck and strength, xx p.s. yummy snack! :)

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  8. I so needed to read this as I'm struggling a lot with weight gain and all right now. Thank you for your positivity, it truly helped make my day a bit better.
    http://dietcolagirl.blogspot.com

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  9. Oh Tori. I so no how you feel. It is so hard to push past comments. But true again on how GREAT freinds are. to really help you push through. Its hard. YOu have been an inspiration to me since you started blogging, and since I started reading blogs.
    love u

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  10. I truely admire your strength and determination to fight this :-)
    I know its very difficult to see the point in continuing at times especially when you get the comments that you look good or your looking healthier, but those people are probably just comparing you to what you were before. Your looking better but you still could look EVEN better with a bit more weight on, if you get what I mean.
    I think it would be great for you to make it out of the anorexic bmi category, you should be striving to be in the healthy range and Im sure you will get there, it doesnt matter how long its taken you either. The progress you've made is huge, :-)
    xox
    Laura

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  11. tori just by reading this post you can tell how far you have come. stay strong love--i'm going through the same thing with weight gain, wishing i had tried harder in the beginning, wishing this was already over. but we must stay in the present moment and deal with today right here and right now. you can do this and it is just a number! so hard to comprehend but it is just a number. no one has to know your weight except you and your doctors and that is all that matters. this is about your health and your sanity and they are in your reach, you just have to take that leap of faith to get to where you need to be. keep going darling and stay strong!
    love,
    becca

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  12. Hi!

    Oooh 'Cookie dough'...It looks exactly like it :p

    Have a nice week!

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  13. You are so brave and wise. It is definitely important to get to a weight where we have a bit of leeway in case of illness or something as well as in order to free ourselves completely from the disorder. I'm so proud of you for recognising and acting on this. People saying you look great probably think that because of the low place you were in and compare you physically to then, a healthier and freer Tori definitely will make an even more beautiful Tori :]
    Fight the good fight.
    xxxxxx

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  14. Your determination and passion radiate in this post. Keep your eyes on the prize-- your health and happiness and don't let anything or anyone hold you back. You can do this if you take it one day at a time, you are a rock star.

    Hope youre doing well darling, thinking of you <3

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  15. Wow Tori, this sounds so familiar!
    I have set my goal not to gain back the 10lbs I lost in the mess, but a full 30lbs to a true state of health--telling myself the same things as you after far too long of rationalizing with how "good I feel" at my "setpoint," how I eat plenty to maintain it...

    1. I don't even know what it could be like to have full health! About time I gave it a chance,
    and
    2. I am so f'in done with ED crap. I'm not going to "gain weight and compromise." This is a mission to eliminate hime, and that means I'm going all the way!

    Rock on :)

    -Bubbles [linked to your blog from caloriecount.about.com

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  16. tori can i just say that you just got me out of a real blue with this post! thank you for writng this out and literally posting the truth in my face. everything below a healthy BMI is SICK! in sence that it supports the ED and in no way our life! thank you!
    xoxo

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  17. Hi Tori

    I am new to your blog, and think that your journey to health is a great thing to share and you are definitely on the right track. Keep going.

    I don't know what you look like at the moment but if you are in the anorexic weight range then honestly you will look better at a healthy BMI. I have to say that you look awfully thin in your profile picture (I hope you don't mind me saying that). As you know, my daughter too has AN and a very low bodyweight - she looked ten times as beautiful last year when she had a natural healthy look, pink fresh skin and clear eyes ad weighed nearly 10kg more.

    She posts pictures of herself in FB and her friends tell her how lovely she looks, but then confide in me that she is far too thin. The compliments are indeed to cheer her up and to be (in their eyes) good friends. Truly, she looks emaciated and ill. Please keep going until you get into the healthy range of BMI even if it is against all your current instincts.

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