Oh man. I'm so sorry for the lack of posting!
I've had a miserable cold for the past week or so. Weak, coughing and my appetite has gone down the tubes. Its reaaallly frustrating. I've been surviving off of bulked-up soups, bowls of cereal and toast with peanut butter. I'm only just beginning to tolerate "real" food again.
So much to share with y'all though!
I went to the casino on Saturday night with the boy and three of his friends. The five of us crammed into a jeep and drove 2 hours north to go gamble and eat. At Bobby Flay's Burger Palace. I was the only girl in a group of guys.
I ate a turkey burger. And had sweet potato fries that were obviously not baked in an oven and I have no idea how many of them I ate, and I really don't care. They were just freakin' tasty. And I drank about a quarter of boy's Pineapple Coconut Rum milkshake. It was nine dollars! For a milkshake with liquor! But it was soo amazing. Thick, creamy, sweet and full of coconut flavor - honestly I would have gotten my own but $9??? Psh. I'd rather recreate it on my own dime.
The funny apart about that? I ate that AFTER having a small-ish dinner at home and figured on having just a little snack. To be truthful, my ED had been flaring up and trying to use my not feeling well as an excuse to undereat. But after sitting there with the boys, it hit me that I don't need my ED. I can trust myself, and my body just as they do theirs. And after my own estimations - I actually ended up hitting my usual calorie target by eating what I WANTED.
It is that night that I realized I needed to listen to my body more and my head less.
I decided to forego running this week as well. Because I'm still kind of sick, and to be honest - outside of a few fleeting moments of hunger - I still don't have much of an appetite. I've already lost a bit of weight from being sick, and I know I don't have it in me to fuel both running AND gaining back a few pounds. Logical solution: take a few days off from running and save myself the strain of having to eat back those calories plus the extra 400 I already needed to add in.
I'm really rather proud of myself for both of those things. Not too long ago, my ED would have balked at all of this. But in this moment, I know I've done what's best for me.
And now...New Year's Resolutions. To be honest, I haven't really made any yet. I know I want to make this year better. I want to continue along this vein of listening more and more to my body, and letting go of my safety net. I'm going to talk to my therapist to get his opinion on my ideas. I haven't talked to him in AGES. So I'm looking forward to the next visit. Well, as much as one looks forward to those sorts of things anyways.
Andddd school starts on January 25th. Vacation is going by way too fast. Sigh. I'm happy to go back honestly - it gives me something productive to do with my time. But I also hate the added pressures I put on myself. But I will survive it and move on to bigger and better things.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago