Yesterday was any other day. I woke up. Made my new usual breakfast (as seen in my last post - yummy x10). And as I went to go write it down on my note pad - I realized I had finished off the last page on Friday.
I've spent eighteen months documenting every thing I've eaten and adding it up the make sure it was enough.
And yesterday, for the first time it hit me that maybe I don't need to do it anymore. Most of the time, I write it down out of habit, not for checking. I usually know what I need to eat, regardless of its written down or not. So yesterday, I decided to see if I could do it. If I could eat enough without having to write it all down and check it throughout the day to make sure.
After breakfast, I went for a run. I came home and had a yogurt with chopped apple, granola, and PB. Because that sounded like the perfect snack after a run.
For lunch, I had some bulgur wheat with hummus, corn, raisins and tofu. Because I had it in the fridge and y'know bulgur with hummus rocks.
Snack before work? A PBJ and another yogurt with melted strawberries and a drizzle of honey. Perfect snack to fuel me up for a solid 4.5 hours til my break at work.
Dinner at work? Tuna and avocado salad wrap - easily transportable and yummy.
And on my way out of work I was feeling pretty stressed and craving chocolate. I bought a Dove dark chocolate bar off one of the registers, and ate it on my way out to my car.
I ate enough. Without even really thinking too much about it. Yes, I still measured out proper portions for myself. But not one thing was planned or written down. It was just what I wanted to eat, what sounded good. I still can't quite believe I did it. But I think that maybe, just maybe - I am at a point now where I can trust myself, and my body, to know what I need.
On top of this, I also had the thought that maybe it IS time for me to stop meticulously counting calories. Not just because it makes me crazy, but because I need to let go of that idea of control. I'm learning more and more each day that I cannot control everything. And I shouldn't try to take that lack of control out on my body or through my caloric intake. I know I've been in recovery for awhile now, but it finally occurred to me that even the way I plan out my meals and such is still an anorexic behavior. And its something I don't really know if I need to do anymore. So I'm going to try to go without it and see how I do. I think I can do it. And I will.
I had a rough night at work. Turns out one of my fellow cashiers, whom I thought I was friendly with, has been talking smack about me to the other girls in our age group. WHAT! I gave this girl a ride home at freakin 10PM, drove around a town I didn't know very well for a freakin' HOUR because SHE didn't know how to give me proper directions back to the main road. And she has the nerve to say I'm stupid, a bad driver? Psh. That's not even what upset me. She's also been telling everyone that I look sick because I'm too thin and that I look like I have an illness.
Hearing those words made me cringe. I know what sick looked like, and I do not look like that now. I know she spoke out of jealousy and immaturity. And you know what? I really don't care if she wants to call me stupid; I've had 4.0 GPA since I started college in 2007. If she wants to call me a bad driver; fine. I've driven another woman at work home multiple times, even in the snow. And she has frequently said that she felt very safe driving with me and that I was very capable. The sick thing? I've dealt with that since I was in high school. Girls can be petty, especially when someone has something that they want. And you know what? People can say what they want. Let 'em hate. I've been through hell and I fought my way up from the bottom just to even be at the weight I'm at now, to have the life that I have now, and I'm still fighting to keep getting healthier. I know what I've accomplished. And no one's envious and petty commentary is going to take that way from me.
Phew. I really needed to get that out of my system.
Living the Crazy Life
4 weeks ago