Sunday, February 14, 2010

Experiment.

Yesterday was any other day. I woke up. Made my new usual breakfast (as seen in my last post - yummy x10). And as I went to go write it down on my note pad - I realized I had finished off the last page on Friday.
I've spent eighteen months documenting every thing I've eaten and adding it up the make sure it was enough.
And yesterday, for the first time it hit me that maybe I don't need to do it anymore. Most of the time, I write it down out of habit, not for checking. I usually know what I need to eat, regardless of its written down or not. So yesterday, I decided to see if I could do it. If I could eat enough without having to write it all down and check it throughout the day to make sure.
After breakfast, I went for a run. I came home and had a yogurt with chopped apple, granola, and PB. Because that sounded like the perfect snack after a run.
For lunch, I had some bulgur wheat with hummus, corn, raisins and tofu. Because I had it in the fridge and y'know bulgur with hummus rocks.
Snack before work? A PBJ and another yogurt with melted strawberries and a drizzle of honey. Perfect snack to fuel me up for a solid 4.5 hours til my break at work.
Dinner at work? Tuna and avocado salad wrap - easily transportable and yummy.
And on my way out of work I was feeling pretty stressed and craving chocolate. I bought a Dove dark chocolate bar off one of the registers, and ate it on my way out to my car.

I ate enough. Without even really thinking too much about it. Yes, I still measured out proper portions for myself. But not one thing was planned or written down. It was just what I wanted to eat, what sounded good. I still can't quite believe I did it. But I think that maybe, just maybe - I am at a point now where I can trust myself, and my body, to know what I need.

On top of this, I also had the thought that maybe it IS time for me to stop meticulously counting calories. Not just because it makes me crazy, but because I need to let go of that idea of control. I'm learning more and more each day that I cannot control everything. And I shouldn't try to take that lack of control out on my body or through my caloric intake. I know I've been in recovery for awhile now, but it finally occurred to me that even the way I plan out my meals and such is still an anorexic behavior. And its something I don't really know if I need to do anymore. So I'm going to try to go without it and see how I do. I think I can do it. And I will.

I had a rough night at work. Turns out one of my fellow cashiers, whom I thought I was friendly with, has been talking smack about me to the other girls in our age group. WHAT! I gave this girl a ride home at freakin 10PM, drove around a town I didn't know very well for a freakin' HOUR because SHE didn't know how to give me proper directions back to the main road. And she has the nerve to say I'm stupid, a bad driver? Psh. That's not even what upset me. She's also been telling everyone that I look sick because I'm too thin and that I look like I have an illness.
Hearing those words made me cringe. I know what sick looked like, and I do not look like that now. I know she spoke out of jealousy and immaturity. And you know what? I really don't care if she wants to call me stupid; I've had 4.0 GPA since I started college in 2007. If she wants to call me a bad driver; fine. I've driven another woman at work home multiple times, even in the snow. And she has frequently said that she felt very safe driving with me and that I was very capable. The sick thing? I've dealt with that since I was in high school. Girls can be petty, especially when someone has something that they want. And you know what? People can say what they want. Let 'em hate. I've been through hell and I fought my way up from the bottom just to even be at the weight I'm at now, to have the life that I have now, and I'm still fighting to keep getting healthier. I know what I've accomplished. And no one's envious and petty commentary is going to take that way from me.

Phew. I really needed to get that out of my system.

Happy Sunday!

10 comments:

  1. What a stupid, stupid girl. She doesn't deserve you. Please ignore it and don't listen to it. It's sooooo not true. None of it. Please remember that!

    And for your experiment: wow, that's great! Really something I'm thinking about myself too and it inspires me that it's going well with you. You're strong and I know you will continue to do great with this experiment!

    Have a great day Tori!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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  2. Congratulations on the successful 'meal' day! Screw that girl from work! My favorite quote/saying is :Whatever anyone thinks of me is NONE OF MY BUSINESS! You are strong within yourself, and what somebody else say/thinks shouldn't change how you feel about yourself. She is indeed petty and juvenile! Have a WONDERFUL Vday and weekend!!! You should be crazy proud of yourself!
    Love,Barbara

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  3. Tell me her name.
    *Searches for her bat*

    Next time, drove her to a nowhere place and left her here, at -30 degrees at midnight. That'll do.

    Anyway, I think it's awesome you try intuitive eating. I love it, it feels so good to know you can trust your body. But it's pretty hard to not 'check' at the end of the day...need to work on that. You're so inspirational :3 You need to write a biography!!

    *Oh yeah, I forgot: leave this stupid girl in a DARK, DARK subway.

    xoxo

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  4. ^ haha sorry, Eliane is so humorous :P with her bat.

    Tori > jealous person. Tori + ability to not let douches get to her = 100+ good person points.

    I eat half-intuitively, half not. Not sure I'm at that point yet, but I am impressed by your efforts :)

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  5. so glad to hear that you're letting go of some of that control with regards to counting! that's awesome. sorry you had a rough night at work though, not fun

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  6. wow that is an amazinggggg accomplishment! I'm so proud!

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  7. That is a fantastic achievement well done!

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  8. hey lovie,
    wow first of all i am so proud of you for starting to eat more intuitively, from someone(me) ;] who has been a long time almonds and honey reader + met this beautiful girly in person hehe...i really think you are 110% capable of starting to take the next step and not count calories and document each meal etc...i know i struggle with that and for god knows how long i have been keeping a food log or plugging it into cc which at some points is so helpful to know i am getting enough as you said, but i think where you are now, and how far you have come mentally you are so capable as i said to do this!!
    and your eats sound delicious, i must try Bulgar with raisins and hummus! :]

    okayy wow, that girl at work sounds like such a bitch, seriously that is soo ridiculous! That she would just be so petty and mean, and i also think it is out of jealousy and as much as we all dont want to admit it but for ED girls and a lot of non ed girls looking "sick" is something girls want to look...which is so sick urg... jeez that is so mean just to say all these things behind your back, you do not deserve to be bad mouthed like that, i am coming to a wall mart in ct and hunting this bitch down and i will show her who's boss!!... okayy funny thought, haha... me, Eliza, beating up some girl bahaha okay not funny but lol... ;P i love you tori and i know you can keep on keeping on, because you know where you are, you know where you have been, and you know what is best for tori and you are so strong and no mean girl can bring you down, she's just jealous of how amazing you are at everything ;]

    lots of love and happy vday!
    xx
    Eliza

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  9. Hi Tori! Love your name, for obvious reasons :) I just wanted to say hello and introduce myself and wondered if you had the time to check out my own blog. I'm new to blogging and I want to get to know other bloggers. I'm also recovering from an ED so I feel connected to other recovering bloggers and love how everyone is so supportive to eachothers struggles.

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  10. oh this post made me SO HAPPY to read!!!!!! that recovery does get easier and food choices do become what you WANT and desire rather than what you plan, tally etc etc. while i dont count calories or measure anymore, my mind is still acutely aware of portions and how much i eat and is still veered in an anorexic mind. this is so happy to see for me. and that you run- in a healty way(i am assuming)!!!!! my new favorite blog count me in!

    sorry about your bad night- i work next to a lady who is a space cadet on 9346534 pills and HUMMMMSSS ALLL DAY LONG!!!

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