Some days are better than others.
This was not one of those days.
Yes, you heard me. Today was an awful day. I have spent about 6 hours napping, at least. Purely because I needed to escape myself. My anxiety has not been this high in months, maybe even almost a year.
Today made me feel like I was trapped somewhere back in December 2008. It was horrible. I didn't feel appetite all day. I just had to force myself to sit down and eat most of the day, with no real desire for anything. All I wanted was to sleep and smoke my cigarettes on the brief occasions I left my bed (like for school.....BTW I went to class in my sweats and hoodie with ridic bedhead. Apparently I'm adorable that way?)
What to do on days like this?
I don't know. I know my ED was beating up on me for eating as much as I have today despite my skipping a day's run to go out for coffee and shopping with my friend Liza yesterday. And on top of that - my car is currently not in drive-able condition. And then to lose my appetite too? Bleh. Not a fun day. I was stuffed mid-way through my breakfast this morning and haven't felt hungry since then. Only option? Lots of high-cal, low volume foods. I did the best I could do for today. I will do better tomorrow. That's all I can say. My friend in the army actually called me and "ate" every meal - breakfast through my last snack- with me over the phone. He really helped me a lot and I'm so glad that I talked to him.
But on a deeper level - I HATE how anorexia sneaks up like this. I was not at all prepared to be dealing with these feelings today. I took a walk outside, in the snow. Just because I couldn't stand being in the house anymore. I will admit - a part of me is really struggling lately. My body is starting to go through some kind of big changes that I had not expected to occur (read: I am growing boobs. Again. And again. And again. they are getting noticeably bigger on a near monthly basis) And its very hard for me to deal with. I want to be happy about it. Most of the time I am. But then I kind of panic about it too - I pretty much skipped puberty. I got taller when I was about 12. I stretched from 4'11 to 5'6" in about 18 months. And then grew again after going through my first bout of treatment for anorexia. My anorexia started when I was around 12. I never got hips. I never had boobs. I never had curves. I started to develop some curves as I gained weight this past year and a half. And I've seen the weight shift a bit here and there. But this is different. It seems like a ridiculous thing to be freaked out by. But I'd finally begun to really feel OK with the body I had and now its changing again. I suppose most would say its for the better, but I'll have to learn this all over again. I guess I just kind of feel like I have to kind of start this whole self-acceptance thing again. I need to not feel angry or upset by this. I'm doing OK for the most part - mosy days I'm elated to finally look like I'm becoming a woman. There is a sense of self-consciousness though. I think being an anorexic - even a recovering one - makes one more aware of the state of ones body and more attuned to changes. And also, given the general state of mind of an anorexic - we dislike things that are out of our control. As mentioned in my last post - I have realized that I cannot truly control the shape of my body. And for me, its really not healthy to try to do so.
Perhaps, perhaps - this struggle today is a sign that I truly am on the right path.
If I think back on it, literally every time I've had any sort of epiphany or major ED-breakthrough, within the next day or two - I have a meltdown. And then I'm that much stronger thereafter. So perhaps this day, as bad as it felt, was its own blessing. Its shown me that hey - I'm gonna have days where I feel like hell. But it doesn't have to ruin me. Even the worst of days has its merit. And this one's is that it means I truly am going in the right direction by letting go of the rigidity, and learning to trust and accept my body for what it is and what it needs.
5 weeks ago