Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Some days.

Some days are better than others.
This was not one of those days.

Yes, you heard me. Today was an awful day. I have spent about 6 hours napping, at least. Purely because I needed to escape myself. My anxiety has not been this high in months, maybe even almost a year.
Today made me feel like I was trapped somewhere back in December 2008. It was horrible. I didn't feel appetite all day. I just had to force myself to sit down and eat most of the day, with no real desire for anything. All I wanted was to sleep and smoke my cigarettes on the brief occasions I left my bed (like for school.....BTW I went to class in my sweats and hoodie with ridic bedhead. Apparently I'm adorable that way?)
What to do on days like this?
I don't know. I know my ED was beating up on me for eating as much as I have today despite my skipping a day's run to go out for coffee and shopping with my friend Liza yesterday. And on top of that - my car is currently not in drive-able condition. And then to lose my appetite too? Bleh. Not a fun day. I was stuffed mid-way through my breakfast this morning and haven't felt hungry since then. Only option? Lots of high-cal, low volume foods. I did the best I could do for today. I will do better tomorrow. That's all I can say. My friend in the army actually called me and "ate" every meal - breakfast through my last snack- with me over the phone. He really helped me a lot and I'm so glad that I talked to him.

But on a deeper level - I HATE how anorexia sneaks up like this. I was not at all prepared to be dealing with these feelings today. I took a walk outside, in the snow. Just because I couldn't stand being in the house anymore. I will admit - a part of me is really struggling lately. My body is starting to go through some kind of big changes that I had not expected to occur (read: I am growing boobs. Again. And again. And again. they are getting noticeably bigger on a near monthly basis) And its very hard for me to deal with. I want to be happy about it. Most of the time I am. But then I kind of panic about it too - I pretty much skipped puberty. I got taller when I was about 12. I stretched from 4'11 to 5'6" in about 18 months. And then grew again after going through my first bout of treatment for anorexia. My anorexia started when I was around 12. I never got hips. I never had boobs. I never had curves. I started to develop some curves as I gained weight this past year and a half. And I've seen the weight shift a bit here and there. But this is different. It seems like a ridiculous thing to be freaked out by. But I'd finally begun to really feel OK with the body I had and now its changing again. I suppose most would say its for the better, but I'll have to learn this all over again. I guess I just kind of feel like I have to kind of start this whole self-acceptance thing again. I need to not feel angry or upset by this. I'm doing OK for the most part - mosy days I'm elated to finally look like I'm becoming a woman. There is a sense of self-consciousness though. I think being an anorexic - even a recovering one - makes one more aware of the state of ones body and more attuned to changes. And also, given the general state of mind of an anorexic - we dislike things that are out of our control. As mentioned in my last post - I have realized that I cannot truly control the shape of my body. And for me, its really not healthy to try to do so.
Perhaps, perhaps - this struggle today is a sign that I truly am on the right path.
If I think back on it, literally every time I've had any sort of epiphany or major ED-breakthrough, within the next day or two - I have a meltdown. And then I'm that much stronger thereafter. So perhaps this day, as bad as it felt, was its own blessing. Its shown me that hey - I'm gonna have days where I feel like hell. But it doesn't have to ruin me. Even the worst of days has its merit. And this one's is that it means I truly am going in the right direction by letting go of the rigidity, and learning to trust and accept my body for what it is and what it needs.


  1. Hi Tori, I've been reading your blog for awhile now..guess you could call me lurker ;) I just wanted you to know that you gave me the strength and proper mindset to push on and kick ED to the curb. I was never clinically diagnosed with ED but I knew it started since July 2009. If it wasn't for your awesome blog and all its motivational words, I definitely would have spiralled out of control. Thank you so much and God bless you dearie! And don't worry about those haters, they're just jealous ;) Much love from Malaysia!

  2. :( i hate that you had to feel this way today. but i really believe every feeling serves a purpose, so just accept that today was not good and allow yourself to move on! it's horrible how AN sneaks up on you, but you can fight back, you're stronger than any stupid ED!

  3. You can fight back now, you're still so much stronger than this ED, don't forget that! Breathe...and continue with doing the right things. If that means counting again (for a while), that's fine. Do what needs to be done, you're so powerful!

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

  4. Hey Tori :) I panicked when I first started going girl-shaped rather than straight up and down too. I think it's a pretty normal reaction, but if you sit with the anxiety it does dissipate. I have also found that I have a bit of a breakdown every time I have a physical or mental breakthorough - I freaked out horribly when I got to my target weight, it was an incredibly uncomfortable week but I stuck it out and it passed. The most important thing is not to do anything behaviourally to relieve the anxiety, dealing with it without trying to change it is such an important skill. It sounds like you were doing that yesterday, so well done. I hope you start feeling a bit better soon

  5. Sorry your struggling but its so great you had a friend to help you through each meal and snack. Keep pushing forward girl.. You can get through this.

  6. hey lovie!
    i am so sorry that you had that hell of a day, HATE how ed sneaks up and then BooM it just ruins so much of our mental state and mood...
    but i know! i know..that today will be better..i too have been having such a hard time accepting my body looking more womanly, its like i am going through a delayed puberty...and getting my period back, it is just such a trigger for me. But as you said so so wisely, that.. going in the right direction by letting go of the rigidity and learning to trust & accept our bodies for what it is and what it needs! yes, we must just accept, accept change, change is so hard..to deal with...but life is not constant. And that is so hard to accept. Life is always changing..and so are our bodies, now especially after recovering from AN. or gaining health back. But ohgosh that friend of yours that helped u through ur meals, that is just so so amazing! you are so loved and cared for by so many, and of course u looked cute bed head and sweats, hehe. ;)
    I love YOU so much, and i am sending lots of hugs and love to you. <3


  7. I know the changes are difficult to deal with but after a while you will become used to them and it will get easier.
    You've had this illness for quite a while and since you developed it when you were young you havent really properly had the chance to have a more 'womanly' type of body, so its bound to feel awkard and strange.
    You have overcome alot more, you have the strength in you to fight this and Im sure you will because you seem a very determined lady.
    Not every day will be great, we all have bad days, just say to yourself tomorrow is a new day and a new start.

  8. thats the way life goes. u win some, u lose some. but whats more important is that u just plug ahead and those good times will come sooner than u think! this mysterious guy in the army wouldnt happen to be M would it?!?!? lololol uh o!luv u

  9. tori you're a fighter and i know you can get through this! i know that seeing these changes in your body can be insanely frigtening and confusing but you know that it is all how it should be!
    i am here for you if you need to talk okay?
    sending you loads of care

  10. Sorry to hear about all the hurtful words ED said to you today :( I am in awe of your outllook on life. I really admire you for the fact that you can always look at the positive, and that will get you SO far...

    I am so proud of you! Keep on fighting, and I'll be praying for you :)


  11. Very empowering post. I understood and identified with EVERYTHING you wrote - seems people don't think that much differently after all!