I am in awe by the the feedback I got on my last post. I am so glad that so many of you found it helpful and inspiring. I truly mean every word I say, and I am as honest and upfront as I can be about everything. I was a *teensy* bit nervous about posting all of that. In my mind, I fear talking about how much I struggled will make people look down on me or think that I'm faking my recovery now. But its all truth. Its my reality and I think about it every day. Knowing that its not seen as a weakness or a shortcoming made me feel tons better. I hope that ya understand now why I can be a bit of a hardass at times. Its the only way to recover - to be as firm with yourself, if not more so, than your ED is.
Speaking of ED. I haven't seen 'em in awhile. On Friday night, I went out to dinner with the boy before going to see Alice in Wonderland. We went to Boston Market for dinner. Boston Market, for those who don't know, is essentially an upper-scale KFC. Its Southern food. I had a roasted turkey breast with buttered mixed vegetables, two roasted garlic potatoes, and a slice of corn bread. WHAT!!!! Okay. I've not mentioned this before, but I spent YEARS fearing potatoes and would not eat them. Period. Samesies on the butter.
I finished my entire plate and it was awesome. Like really. I wish I had a picture so I could show you guys how insane that plate was. But I'll just say that those people did NOT skimp on the portions - my plate was heaped so high it nearly tipped over on one side. It was definitely a good dinner though and I did a victory dance after I finished.
Now for a few pictures of some things I've eaten recently...
Midmorning snack from Saturday: Greek yogurt, honey, Kashi Go Lean Crunch, and Justin's Honey Peanut Butter. I also had an apple on the side. But the star here is obviously the PB. I've never had honey peanut before, ever. And this stuff was freakin delicious! It's so thick and peanutty, with a light sweetness to it. I'm kind of sad I don't have anymore haha. I'll have to go on a mission to find some in my area.
Monday Snack before school: 2 slices toast, one with the last tablespoon of Dark Chocolate Dreams, one with the first tablespoon of my new jar of creamy peanut butter. Both smeared with blueberry preserves.
To be honest, I have come to a conclusion that many of you will be disappointed in. I do not really like DCD very much. I mean, I had the jar in the pantry so I was going to finish it, I paid for it after all. But in this instance, I much preferred my slice with the creamy peanut butter. And as a quick little chocolate fix, I personally prefer Nutella over DCD any day.
Thus last night, when I came home from work I had a slice of toast with Nutella.
I really, really needed it even though I had at least hit mid-way on my usual calorie range for the day. I was legit exhausted and was going to let it go. But I was also SO freaking hungry. And so tired. What to do? The simplest thing I could. Make something easy and go to bed.
My day yesterday was ridic. I wasn't expecting work to be busy, so I went for a run in the morning, followed by doing some strength training before class. Went to my drawing class. Only to find that I had to park not on the 3rd, not the 4th but the 5th floor of the parking garage to even get a spot. Thereafter, I had to walk around the school and find a spot in which I could draw two pieces of art work and the space that held them. Okay. I ate my PBJ as a snack while sketching. I ate my dinner in the car as I went to work. It was crazy busy up until I got my break at 7PM. I ate my snack. I came back. Half an hour later, I was asked to zone the rug and doormat area. This entailed me moving, rearranging and cleaning the entire aisle. Have you ever lifted a large doormat? Those things are not exactly light weight. I moved about 100- 200 lbs worth of carpeting and door mats last night.
Did I mention I was tired when I got home yesterday? Even when my ED flared up a bit and made me feel unsure of my decision to eat again, I said "Fuck it. I've been having to run around so much lately, even more today, I probably need these extra calories and then some." And I enjoyed every freakin' bite.
It taught me something important too. I DO have the ability to eat when I am hungry, to know what my body needs and wants. And that even after all the years spent fearing and loathing my body - I don't anymore. I'm not afraid of the alleged continuos weight gain our ED's conjure up. That's not reality. I've seen time and time again that eating an extra hundred or two hundred calories a few times a week really doesn't make or break you. And for once, I feel strong and healthy. I don't want to lose that. I mean just the fact that I could do all that I did yesterday without collapsing is a HUGE sign that I am taking care of my body properly and that I've been doing well with giving it what it needs. And that makes me happy - the ability to do whatever I want or need to get done. I'm learning to appreciate my body more and more as the days go by. And I'm really lovin it, I have to be honest here.
It still amazes me that so much could change within my mind and spirit in only a year. But I suppose a year is all it takes to make a difference some times.
Just look at that hair! Good grief. There's so much of it! haha. I have no idea what to do with it anymore. But I'm enjoying headbanging and hair-flipping. Its been awhile since I had hair awesome (or long!) enough to do either of those things. That being said, any ideas on fun things to do with my now newer and longer hair would be more than welcome!
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago