I know I promised a lot of new updates and things in my last post, but there is something more important that I need to talk about today.
It has been a SOLID YEAR since I met my first GW. As of this month, I have maintained a weight over 100lbs for an extended period for the first time since I was 14. This the the longest I have been at a reasonably healthy weight for my height in seven years. I've managed to get my weight up a bit since last April, as I've mentioned shooting for numerous times. But I'm going by the overall. I defied my fear of ever weighing more than that 100. I've maintained that weight and then some and I have been happier ever since, living and loving my life more and more.
This is real. I can't quite believe it. But here I am. One year solid being pretty much weight restored.
I used to think something awful would happen if I weighed more, ate more, than my eating disorder told me was okay. Even after I hit that initial goal of mine - I still wasn't free. I couldn't eat more than XXXX calories and couldn't eat this or that. All of those things are gone now. I don't feel shame about my body - I love the way I look about 90% of the time. My body is still changing (read: I am growing boobs! woo!) but I'm okay with that. I'm still changing inside too. I'm learning to accept and give into my wants and needs, and I'm learning to stop trying to control everything in my life. Shit happens. The apple I ate today was bigger than the one I had yesterday. Two years ago - that would have terrified me. Today - I don't really care. I looked through my journal from when I was in IP in 2008. And I cannot believe that person was me. I won't show you the pictures. but lets just say, I keep them on my ipod. And whenever I get stressed about anything and start to question myself - I look at what, who I used to be and realize that as hard as it was, and as hard as it still is at times, nothing could ever have been more worth it than choosing myself, my life, over anorexia.
I never thought I could get this far, and hold onto it for so long. I tried anyways, because in all honestly, I had nothing left to lose. And eventually, I saw it could be real and I could become more than anorexic, that I could live a life outside of it. And I have been living a life that finally has become mine.
Just because something seems improbable doesn't mean that you don't have the means to make it possible.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago