Friday, April 9, 2010

So.

I know I promised a lot of new updates and things in my last post, but there is something more important that I need to talk about today.

It has been a SOLID YEAR since I met my first GW. As of this month, I have maintained a weight over 100lbs for an extended period for the first time since I was 14. This the the longest I have been at a reasonably healthy weight for my height in seven years. I've managed to get my weight up a bit since last April, as I've mentioned shooting for numerous times. But I'm going by the overall. I defied my fear of ever weighing more than that 100. I've maintained that weight and then some and I have been happier ever since, living and loving my life more and more.

This is real. I can't quite believe it. But here I am. One year solid being pretty much weight restored.
I used to think something awful would happen if I weighed more, ate more, than my eating disorder told me was okay. Even after I hit that initial goal of mine - I still wasn't free. I couldn't eat more than XXXX calories and couldn't eat this or that. All of those things are gone now. I don't feel shame about my body - I love the way I look about 90% of the time. My body is still changing (read: I am growing boobs! woo!) but I'm okay with that. I'm still changing inside too. I'm learning to accept and give into my wants and needs, and I'm learning to stop trying to control everything in my life. Shit happens. The apple I ate today was bigger than the one I had yesterday. Two years ago - that would have terrified me. Today - I don't really care. I looked through my journal from when I was in IP in 2008. And I cannot believe that person was me. I won't show you the pictures. but lets just say, I keep them on my ipod. And whenever I get stressed about anything and start to question myself - I look at what, who I used to be and realize that as hard as it was, and as hard as it still is at times, nothing could ever have been more worth it than choosing myself, my life, over anorexia.

I never thought I could get this far, and hold onto it for so long. I tried anyways, because in all honestly, I had nothing left to lose. And eventually, I saw it could be real and I could become more than anorexic, that I could live a life outside of it. And I have been living a life that finally has become mine.

Just because something seems improbable doesn't mean that you don't have the means to make it possible.

19 comments:

  1. oh my goodness -- i have that SAME fear and I too have finally reached a weight over 100 and stayed there. I am so proud of you and all of your accomplishments. I can totally relate and understand how tough it is. you rock :]

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  2. you are one mighty strong young woman Tori. I've read your blog for a long time now and seen the amazing progress you've made. You should be so proud of yourself. Keep on enjoying and living life to the full, you deserve to.
    Much love xox

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  3. I read what you have accomplished and I see there is a chance. There is a freedom at the end of this hell. Thanks for sharing! <3 xox
    Maddi
    xxx

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  4. Its all just a ride. I'm delighted to hear you chose to have an awesome one, instead of a bad one.
    -A creepy lurker.

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  5. That's awesome, Tori. I have a feeling that this time, it's for REAL. Isn't that thrilling to know? That you'll NEVER go back to the way you were before? You've made such bounds and leaps, it's inspiring. :-)

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  6. you're an inspiration! that scary 100 mark... those 3 little digits can mean so much, but you ROCK! and i'm so glad to hear you are happy too. :)

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  7. You are INCREDIBLE. To others (and we even try telling ourselves that) it should be and IS just a number, but I know how hard maintaining a GOOD weight can be! Well done, Tori:) That, and the fact that you are happy...just proves that being healthy AND happy is not an impossible ideal.

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  8. I'm so, so glad to hear this and so proud of you.
    And you've inspired me too. here I am today, at a healthy weight and living my life again. I truly know how you feel and I'm so glad I 'met' you online...

    xxx Julia (Taste of Living)

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  9. I am so happy and proud of you! There is nothing else to say! Sending you a big hug!

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  10. Awwww, Tori!
    I´m so happy to hear that!
    Congratulations, girl!
    A year is a looong time :)
    Keep the good job, lovie!
    Brazilian XOXO´s,
    Gabriela

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  11. Tori, you are absolutely incredible :) I am so elated to hear a story like this, and to see that it IS possible to stay healthy, and that we don't have to go through ED ever again!!

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  12. Congratulations girl, that is such an incredible accomplishment. :) *huggles*

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  13. You should be so, so proud of yourself girl. What an amazing thing to overcome. You are such an inspiration.
    <3

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  14. I wish you will update more often, tee hee. I always love to hear from you.

    I'm here again because I just read your comment, and had to fly over to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, Tori. Your words meant the world to me. It really really encouraged and comforted me, and I wanted you to know that you're such a special person, and somewhere across the continent, there is a girl who desperately wants to hug the bejeezus out of ya! ;-)

    Love you!

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  15. this is INCREDIBLE. so inspiring. well done! love the blog, i'll be reading.
    xx
    kenzie ♥

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  16. This speaks to me so much. Let's just say I'm not far away from where you are in this post.

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