So. Two of my pieces made the cut for the art show. Apparently they wanted to make it fair by having a general rule of not allowing more than 2 per person. So hey.. Happy happy.
To be honest, I am struggling with a lot of things lately. I feel like I have so much to do, so many people to please and no time to do it all. I have an awful schedule for work (as I've said before) plus I have demanding art classes, both my final projects are to require 15 hours of work. Plus, I have Dan who, I love him, but he can be a bit needy. I make time to see him 3-4 times a week to keep him happy. PLUS I have my friends that always want to see me too and I feel guilty when I can't make it because I'm too tired to go out at 10PM after work, or because its a night that I promised to Dan. AND then I also have my parents. We won't even go there. I love them too, but they are very critical and demanding of me and always trying to control me and what I do. AND then I also have my own internal pressures to quit smoking, quit watching my calorie intake and stop feeling so damn bad about myself for not being able to make everyone happy all the time. All this stress has had tremendous affects on my body. I can't eat dairy anymore. I get violent stomach pains and have been relying on 500 calorie shakes every day to get my calories in. I lost a bit of weight last week. I can't tell if I've increased my calories up enough to know if I've stopped the loss because guess what? The amount of stress I'm under has been enough to cause my period to come early even though I take BC. And that makes my weight fluctuate up anywhere from 1/2 - 2lbs. So GREAT. Even if my weight was up a pound from last week, I don't know if its a real pound or just due to my period. Best bet is probably to assume I'm just maintaining. Which means I've got 2 lbs to go to get back to a 17.5 BMI. And then however many more thereafter, I don't even know anymore. Also another stress. I have NO FUCKING IDEA what I am supposed to weigh or what a good weight for me is. And I'm really getting to the point where I do not care anymore. I don't want to think about numbers, BMI's or calories. I want my clothes to fit. I want to feel OK with my body most days, and I want to eat without worrying about if its too little or too many calories. But I can't do any of that right now because I'm so freakin afraid that I can't trust myself. Especially after losing despite eating my usual plenty and now maintaining on 300 more calories than I was before.
In short. I need a vacation. Badly. I can never half-ass anything. So all of these things are getting my undivided attention and all of my energy. I haven't been posting much, obviously. And its because I'm literally never home. I don't even watch TV anymore. Or read. Or make jewelry. Or bake. Really, I don't get to do many of the things I used to enjoy because there just aren't enough hours in the day and the occasional spare hours I have are usually spent napping.
I feel like I have nothing left for myself. And this feeling will only lead me to bad places, of that I am sure. I don't know how to slow down though. Maybe my constant activity is a form of escapism. But I think its mostly me, killing myself in attempt to make up for all the time I lost. And I already know - it is this same behavior, same attitude that lead me to my downfall in the past. How I'll fix it? I don't know. The semester ends in about two weeks. I'm not taking any summer courses. Hopefully that will be enough of a break to help me recharge and feel OK again.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago