Saturday, May 1, 2010

Stress much?

So. Two of my pieces made the cut for the art show. Apparently they wanted to make it fair by having a general rule of not allowing more than 2 per person. So hey.. Happy happy.

Maybe not.

To be honest, I am struggling with a lot of things lately. I feel like I have so much to do, so many people to please and no time to do it all. I have an awful schedule for work (as I've said before) plus I have demanding art classes, both my final projects are to require 15 hours of work. Plus, I have Dan who, I love him, but he can be a bit needy. I make time to see him 3-4 times a week to keep him happy. PLUS I have my friends that always want to see me too and I feel guilty when I can't make it because I'm too tired to go out at 10PM after work, or because its a night that I promised to Dan. AND then I also have my parents. We won't even go there. I love them too, but they are very critical and demanding of me and always trying to control me and what I do. AND then I also have my own internal pressures to quit smoking, quit watching my calorie intake and stop feeling so damn bad about myself for not being able to make everyone happy all the time. All this stress has had tremendous affects on my body. I can't eat dairy anymore. I get violent stomach pains and have been relying on 500 calorie shakes every day to get my calories in. I lost a bit of weight last week. I can't tell if I've increased my calories up enough to know if I've stopped the loss because guess what? The amount of stress I'm under has been enough to cause my period to come early even though I take BC. And that makes my weight fluctuate up anywhere from 1/2 - 2lbs. So GREAT. Even if my weight was up a pound from last week, I don't know if its a real pound or just due to my period. Best bet is probably to assume I'm just maintaining. Which means I've got 2 lbs to go to get back to a 17.5 BMI. And then however many more thereafter, I don't even know anymore. Also another stress. I have NO FUCKING IDEA what I am supposed to weigh or what a good weight for me is. And I'm really getting to the point where I do not care anymore. I don't want to think about numbers, BMI's or calories. I want my clothes to fit. I want to feel OK with my body most days, and I want to eat without worrying about if its too little or too many calories. But I can't do any of that right now because I'm so freakin afraid that I can't trust myself. Especially after losing despite eating my usual plenty and now maintaining on 300 more calories than I was before.

In short. I need a vacation. Badly. I can never half-ass anything. So all of these things are getting my undivided attention and all of my energy. I haven't been posting much, obviously. And its because I'm literally never home. I don't even watch TV anymore. Or read. Or make jewelry. Or bake. Really, I don't get to do many of the things I used to enjoy because there just aren't enough hours in the day and the occasional spare hours I have are usually spent napping.

I feel like I have nothing left for myself. And this feeling will only lead me to bad places, of that I am sure. I don't know how to slow down though. Maybe my constant activity is a form of escapism. But I think its mostly me, killing myself in attempt to make up for all the time I lost. And I already know - it is this same behavior, same attitude that lead me to my downfall in the past. How I'll fix it? I don't know. The semester ends in about two weeks. I'm not taking any summer courses. Hopefully that will be enough of a break to help me recharge and feel OK again.


  1. I've been reading your blog for some time now but have been pretty silent..

    I know how you feel, I am the same way, always busy. I dont know why I do it to myself, its hard for me to take a day off. This past week I had taken a week off from work & school. It has been the most relaxing week of my life. I havent done anything, I kind of freaked out about it at first but when I realized I deserved it, it was ok. Is there anyway you can take a break and just spend time doing NOTHING, just reading? Tell your BF & friends how you feel, they should understand. Congrats about the art! You should put up some of your work I would love to see it. When do you graduate?
    Dana xx

  2. Aw chicka, life sounds tough at the mo. You've been through so much the best thing for you would definitely be a complete break, and some quality time just for you.
    Tbh though you are putting waaaaaay too much pressure on yourself as harsh as that sounds. I know you have a boyfriend, friends and family who all want to spend time with you but sometimes a bit of "selfishness" is required and you need to just take some time for yourself.
    Weight/food issues are surely a result of all this stress so just do you're best not to worry and keep on chugging sweetie.
    Listen to some Bob Marley (Don't worry, be happy) that always makes me feel relaxed:)
    Love xox

  3. Congratultions on the artwork! That is really an accomplishment, an you should be proud.
    On the topic of busy schedules... try to realize that you cannot help/please others until you are at peace yourself. Focus on the things that HAVE to be done, even if that means telling your friends and The Boy that you need time to recuperate, and that you are in no way avoiding them. Make a manageable "to do list" for your day, but don't kill yourself over not getting it all done. First and foremost you have to take your health in your hands.
    Remember that this stress won't last. Breathe!

  4. Try not to be so hard on yourself! I know stress can be a lot to handle, and it almost seems unmanageable at times. But it's normal for people's eating habits to change when things get hectic, and the fact that you're aware of it and you're trying makes all the difference.

  5. Congratulations on the paintings being accepted, that is wonderful!! :]

    I know how life can be sometimes, and stress sucks :/ You deserve that break!!


  6. Hey gorgeous lady!
    I have felt the same way, and I literally felt as though you were reading my mind when I read your post. I did this for so long, and I KNEW that something would eventually give;break. You can't keep all things at 100% non-stop. Don't let your health start to slip. I ended up calling in sick to work, because I was so stressed out I was having anxiety attacks. Cancel a day of work and do nothing all day but what you want. Just have a 'you' day and make it a point/promise to have some 'whatever you want to do, silence, peace and quiet time'. Schedule it. Lie and say you have a course you signed up for (I actually started listening to motivational/ empowering/ change your life audio courses while I cleaned etc) so it was actually true. I turn my phone off etc. This is your life! Take care of yourself!
    You're in my thoughts and I'm sending you strength, compassion and a lot of love!
    xoxo B

  7. Oh wow, girl. Just simply reading everything you're going through made my heart race with anxiety. I can't even imagine how stressed you must feel right now. I'm so sorry you are going through a rough time right now, but thankfully, summer is around the corner...

    Don't worry, you're not alone! I've lost some weight this week too, what with my stupid sickness and all the stress. Gaining/maintaining for us is not really that easy, so don't beat yourself up over a few lost lbs.You can gain it back right up. The most important thing is your inner peace...when you're anxious, or stressed, it really affects your physical body too. So take care of your mental health, first. And the rest shall follow. Try to relax and breath each time you feel the stress start piling onto you. Honestly, we are even capable of "manipulating" our mind to think positive thoughts, and affect our own emotions.

    Best of luck in surviving through these times, and I'm sure you'll pull through okay! you always do! ((hugs))

  8. Hello :)
    I've never commented, but I remember coming across you way back when you started blogging. I've been amazed at what you've achieved. Really. I respect your no bullshit attitude.
    I just wanted to say that it's ok to take a little time for yourself. At the end of the day we're just biological organisms - there's a limit to what we can push ourselves to. Please don't feel like you have to please everyone. Remember, you are a Person too, and you deserve just as much to be pleased by others! From what I can gather you do more than enough for others. You really deserve that recharge.
    This sounds cliche, but stress really does aggravate feelings and cause questioning. I'm sure once the couple of weeks are over you'll refind your balance and feel like you can trust yourself again. Because you can trust yourself. Look what your Self has achieved!
    I see you offering support to so many people, I just want to give you a great big hug, and stop time for you for a wee bit so you can get a chance to breathe. Again this sounds cliche: but even just taking one day, or half a day, and directing it purely yourself can be enough to reboost to get you through the next couple of weeks. It might seem counterproductive at the time, but it works.
    wishing you good things
    l x
    p.s. I feel you on the art pain. Currently have six weeks to get my degree show sorted. My coffee jar is starting to oogle me invitingly.

  9. Wish I had read this sooner! You certainly do need to figure out what should be "cut" from the weekly agenda or else you will "burn out." One semester I took 17 credits, worked part-time, etc. And I'm glad I tried that workload, but it was tooooo much. It takes some time to learn how and when to put limits on the things expected of you, but you can. What is the point of rushing rushing rushing to get ahead of who knows what? This is our one life; we have to set aside time for everything we enjoy, even if that means taking a little longer to graduate, earning a little less money, saying no to other people, etc.

    I take 5 classes but only work 7 hours a week. During school, I hang out with my bf usually once a week, maybe twice tops. I don't have time to do everything I love (read, write, cross-stitch, etc) because of chores, but I still am able to do at least one or two of my favorite hobbies during the week. I guess it helps that I'm not too social :P so I don't have a lot of people demanding my time [because I don't let them; I have a reputation of saying no].

    I also understand how frustrating it is not to know the "right" weight and # of calories to eat. Especially because I can't get my period back and don't know if it's because I don't "eat enough" or what.