Monday, June 28, 2010

Monday.

It really breaks my heart to be writing this, but I think it might be time for me to go. I love you guys dearly, but I'm not sure I really fit in blog-land anymore. It seems to me that I'm not really all that wanted anymore. When the encouragement and support I attempt to share gets pretty much shot down and ignored, it hurts and I don't even want to bother anymore. I don't mean to sound self-pitying, but its the truth. I'm an honest person, and the reason I am so blunt about things is because sugarcoating it doesn't work. Glossing over anorexia's sneaky holds only permits its presence. You can't just recover in one area - it has to be the whole person, through and through - otherwise you are just placating the illness, be it in terms of what you weigh or what you allow yourself to eat. I'm tired of being attacked for my lack of weight gain in the past year. I'd like to see ANY of you who have shit to say about how I'm still too thin consume the amount of calories I eat every day and then tell me how it feels to have to do it every day, week after week and still see no weight gain. Hell, I'd like to see you go out for a meal with your boyfriend and clear off more food than he does. Go out to IHOP for dinner and polish off a plate of blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs, or take a road trip to Boston and eat a ham and cheese sandwich and a package of Pop Tarts from 7-11 for dinner. If you want to judge me, put on my shoes first. Then you can sling your mud and tell me how easy it is and how I "must not be trying hard enough".

I'm not sure if I will be posting again or not. But for now, I'm pretty upset and I think I need a hiatus from this world. If anyone actually wants to remain in touch, my email addresss is cloudyskies3443@yahoo.com

18 comments:

  1. Hi Tori, Im sorry you felt this way. I just want to let you know that your post has always inspire me and encourage me SO much!

    and I really hope to hear from you again.

    xx rachel:)

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  2. I've been following formspring, and I'm guessing this is where you got that crap. People have been dicks on there. I think that's the hard part for anyone who is truly open with their AN online and offers as much insight as you do; people just take advantage of it, thinking they can put you down or worm some answer out of you that they want to hear. When you tell them the truth, they don't like it; they want some precious external justification for their ill behavior.

    All I know is, I've been reading your blog for a LONG ass time, even before I got my own blog. And you've come really, really far. Ok, so you're not at some magical BMI yet, but fuck that. My BMI is higher than yours, but I know *I* couldn't polish off pancakes at IHOP comfortably yet. So maybe I have an "acceptable weight," but you have a much healthier mind. I have a feeling that's pretty damn important.

    You have a whole life outside of blogs/EDs, so go live it freely. :) Forget these dumbs.

    E-mail me at mitric@ymail.com if you ever want. ;)

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  3. Tori,

    You have been inspiring me for over a year now. Your blog was one of the first I found when I was lost and confused and didn't know what to do. I understand your choice to take a break, but it does make me sad because I always loved your posts. Email me at csidlovsky@gmail.com. Hopefully you'll be back soon--people are so ridiculous and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

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  4. Haha, you know I've always loved you Tori, you've got the right attitude ;)
    I'm always on facebook if you fancy a chat xxx

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  5. tori, don't let anyone get you down! seriously! i read your blog last year and just found it again.. you have come SO FAR. dont give up just yet!
    people who have nothing nice to say about others must feel like crap about themselves, because no one with self-respect puts another person down..
    *hugs*

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  6. Aw, Tori. I can certainly understand why you are feeling this way. I have followed your blog since it first began and I can certainly testify you have changed, one hell of a lot! I am currently in the position you were two years ago and your blog really helps me, as do your answers on formspring. Are you a medical expert? No. But the majority of them who have treated me over many, many years do not know jack. You have lived with this illness, struggled, and dug yourself out of its hell hole. I am too critical to be "accepted" anywhere (not that I have any money anyway) but reading your words helps me to remember to keep fighting because it can be done. Thanks for all you have done and may you live ED free for the rest of your life.

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  7. Altho i can understand that while the blogging world can be a very welcoming, supportive place, it can also be a very cruel one... and im sad to hear that you've been made to feel unwelcome.
    ive always listened to your advice and comments with a welcome ear because i think that you have an amazing story to tell, having kicked this horrible disease in every possible shape or form. Your courage and strength has inspired me to continue when i feel like ED is all i have and i am a hopeless failure.... one of the big things for me reading your blog was i felt like you were always totally upfront and honest. no bullsh*t. you tell it how it is and hey, if that aint pretty, then too bad! and hell yeah, you're right. sometimes when your ill, people wrap you up in cotton wool and treat you like a child, when really what you need is a good kick in the bony ass, to get out of that disordered mindset!
    So basically, what im saying is: thankyou for being you and dont go changing for anybody :-p
    xx

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  8. hey girl,
    wow i posted something similar-ish on my blog before seeing ur post!..
    It's hard with blogging, feeling judged is never nice and it's hard. I understand what your saying, i can put myself in your shoes and sorta see how u feel. You have every right to feel this way. And I wanted to tell u, i was going to email you, ur comment on my post..i greatly appreciated ur honesty and words. But i copied and pasted it and then removed it, bc i didn't want Eliza to read it when she got home. I'am sure u could understand? I took it to heart, and i wanted to let u know.
    well i am only a state away :) You know how much i love u, and look up to you, ur an amazing girl, never give up ever.

    xx

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  9. Oh, Tori. I've never commented before but I struggle with and ED - it's been years and years now - and your insight is so inspiring and helpful. If you don't blog...I really think that you should consider a career where you help those who struggle. You really have a gift, of insight and of strength and have learned so much through your struggles. I know you have helped me so many times. I've never told you that but wanted to now.
    I wish you the best whatever you do!!

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  10. I hope you dont leave. Although i dont comment often, i always read and you are one of the few TRUTHFUL, HONEST, KICK EDs ASS PEOPLE trying so hard out there!
    You are wonderful!
    Much love,
    Jennifer xxoo

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  11. Haven't commented much more before, but here's another good time to.

    Your writing and blogging has been unbelievably inspiring in so many ways. All the insight you've provided is, whether you agree or not, priceless in many ways - to those with or even those without EDs.

    You were and still are a great example of someone strong who works hard, every day, to overcome something so huge and terrible. As the sub-header of your blog says: "stumbling, struggling, but always going strong". You. Are. Wonderful. Never forget!

    Whoever thinks that "you're not trying hard enough", or that "you can't be eating THAT much and still not gain" is STUPID and deserves a slap to the face. People who're recovering from ED often develop hypermetabolisms, and that's not their fault. It's the way that their body is responding to more food.

    You have come SO FAR, you have given SO MUCH, and you have inspired so many of us... If you need to drop blogging to go even farther and to keep going onwards and upwards, do so. You and your words of insight and inspiration will most certainly not be forgotten. :)

    Thank you thank you thank you for all that you have already done, and seriously -- all the best to you! I hope you know that you ARE a great person! :)

    Again... all the best, and nothing but the best!

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  12. Beautiful Tori-
    Don't let these pathetic immature and jealous cowardly people get to you! It's not worth your time! I am sending you all my support and love! So many people love you for YOU and the positive you have done for SO MANY STRUGGLING girls should make you realize how many people look up to you, BELIEVE IN YOU and love you! I dare ANY of those horrible people to look in the mirror and be able to say that they have helped as many people as you- or have tried as hard as you, and stayed as honest as you have, and still be able to look at themselves!
    You are a wonderful person Tori!
    Barbara

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  13. Hey,

    I just wanted to let you know that you have been a major inspiration to me and doubtless to many girls like me (who have never/rarely commented). Anyone who accuses you of hypocricy is out of their mind. I completely understand that you want to protect yourself from such harrassment. I wish you the best of luck. You are going to make it, you'll have a wonderful life I'm sure :)

    Love,

    Dame Noire

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  14. Please focus on the positive people. Because you're worth that. You've come so far and have been (and still are) an inspiration to many others, including me (you know that already!). Stay strong!

    x Julia (Taste of Living)

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  15. Tori, Im very sadden to read this. ALthough I didnt really comment much I always followed your blog and yours was one of the first I ever read. You have been a true motivation to me and have given me some great advice before, I always appreciated every word you said.
    You've come through so much and fought so hard, what you managed to achieve on your own was tremendous. Im sorry some people are giving you such a hard time but please dont let them deter you from continuing with the blog world.
    xox
    Laura

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  16. Oopsie I'm late O_o

    Anyway, just know that you are amazing you helped me tremendously.

    xoxo

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  17. Im so sorry people are judging you :( Ive been reading your blog and formspring for a long time and its so OBVIOUS to me that you are 110% commited to recovery. Actually to be honest with you, you really helped me feel comfortable up my intake.. So thank you and sorry that you feel like you have to leave :(

    Dana xo
    http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/

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  18. Nice work. I came across your blog while “blog surfing” using the “Next Blog” button in the Nav Bar at the top of my blogspot blog. I occasionally just check out other blogs to see what others are doing.

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