Saturday, July 24, 2010

Songs and things.

I have been struggling lately.
Not in terms of my actual eating disorder, but in terms of how I think and feel so negatively about myself all the time. I think I'm stuck in a place where I don't want to be because I am always so critical and harsh towards myself. I just can't seem to break the cycle at times. The boy has been saying this for several months. For awhile I was getting better, but lately I just feel so stuck. I keep (accidentally!) starting fights between us because I often just turn things into reasons why I suck so much. I know its just that its my comfort zone - to have low self esteem and not think much of myself. But I have to change.

I broke down last night at work. After having an already bad start to the day, I went into work only to get several customers that were being rude and disrespectful to me. Around 8:30, a group of 3 girls came through my line. They spent the entire transaction harassing me and cursing at me. After one of them told me to go fuck myself (for saying, "have a good night "BTW) - I felt like something in me broke. My throat tightened up, my eyes started water. All I could think to myself was, "I cannot live this way anymore. I cannot keep doing this." I tried to keep my composure as I finished checking out the rest of my line. I turned off my light. A girl from the service desk came over to see what was wrong. She yelled at me for not calling her or another member of management. Sorry - I'm not gonna stand there with these awful girls bitching at me while I wait for some higher-up to come diffuse the situation. In my humble opinion - it was far better to just check em out as quickly as possible and be done with it.

I left early. I did not ask for permission. I just simply said, "I stayed for an extra half hour last night. I've been feeling sick since I got here and now I just need to go home."

For the first time in many months, I did something that was purely for myself. And it felt good. I need to do that more often. I wouldn't be surprised if my lack of assertiveness and taking charge for myself lately has been why I am so unhappy. It also occured to me that part of why I hate my job is that I let the way people treat me get to me far too much. So what if someone talks to me like I'm stupid? I know I'm not. I'm probably smarter than the majority of them - so do I really care what they think? Hey. If they need to treat a little ol' cashier at Walmart like crap so they can feel better about themselves - its really them I should be pitying.So, from now on, I am not going to let myself be taken advantage of anymore. I'm not going to let little snide remarks or stupid comments upset me. I don't need to care about what 90% of the people I encounter every day think. And while I've always been one to bend over backwards in order to make other people happy. I cannot be that way anymore if I really want to get better. I've gotta start taking mine.
I will give my all to myself and to living a better life.

Friday, July 16, 2010


I have a little story for you girls.
Most of the bloggers I know are under the age 26, and live with parents/they themselves have jobs or other situations that provide them with insurance.
But what happens when that situation changes? What happens, when say your father retires and your mother loses her job? And you only work part-time so you aren't eligible for any sort of insurance plan?
Well then my dears, one is left to their own devices.
As an eating disordered person, even after a full YEAR of being recovered - this is still very difficult to do.
After spending an hour on the phone, recounting past health issues and places you've been due to your eating disorder, you will then be asked to wait 7-10 business days while the process your request.

You wait. You wonder. You think about how stupid you were when you were younger - to never realize how hard life after anorexia would be. Its funny. The past that you tried to escape will never leave you, both in your mind and in the paper trail that is the world we know. You can't just move on. You have to be honest in a situation like this, even though you know everything would be so much easier if you did. So you're honest. About everything. From your current height and weight, to the lowest and all years before.
You sit and you wait and you wonder if you had fibbed, even just a little - would it have made a difference?
You get the envelope. Its thin. You say to your mom "I didn't accepted." She looks at you, and says "But you haven't even opened it yet." "Its thin. With colleges, that means you didn't get in."

Still, you tear the letter open and read the standard font.
You have been denied insurance coverage for the following reasons:
You have been diagnosed with minor Osteoporosis and are Taking an OTC Calcium Supplement
You have been diagnosed with Anorexia nervosa and were hospitalized in 3/05(not even the right month BTW), 2/08 and 4/08 (I was DISCHARGED in 4/08)
and you currently see a therapist once monthly.
Your height and weight shows you have a BMI of 17 (17.5 to be correct) and that is mildly underweight.

This is another reason why full recovery is so important, and why it is 100X better to get it done with as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the longer the trail and the more red flags to raise when you go out into the real world, and try to take care of yourself. Even after two years since I began my recovery, I'm still seen as an unstable individual by the standards, even after I did it all by myself. I still tried and failed several times before hand. And in certain circles, that's all that they can see.

What really grates me (and I don't care if I get flak for this) are the followng things:
I am being penalized for preventive measures.
I am being penalized for a fucking vitamin that I pay for myself.
I am being penalized for something beyond my control. The fact that had I been that .5 of a point OVER what was considered healthy, they wouldn't have denied me if I had said that I had spent 2 years dieting to LOSE weight. They'd have commended me on my progress and seen it as a sign of good faith, even if I was still a bit over a healthy weight. But because I'm just that tiny bit under, even with the amount of food I eat each day, and how much progress I've made, I'm considered "not yet recovered" because of one flipping half a point.

I'm going to go eat a muffin and think about how I'm going to fix this.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Well, now don't I feel silly for being so dramatic?
You bet I do.

I'm sort of relieved (albeit also kind of sad) to hear that I'm not the only person who feels kind of alone and isolated at times. Obviously, I'm not so stupid as to think I'm the only one. But seeing it printed in front of me that so many of you guys feel that way too made me think. And I think its partly because of having an ED. And, at least for me, its because I don't often like letting people see me with my guard down. Especially knowing that I've been dubbed a kind of role model - I tend to make myself believe that means I can't have bad days and I can't let anyone know if I'm sad or having a hard time with things. And that's really not true. Part of being a strong person is being able to admit when you need help. My stubborn self still needs to work on accepting that last one.
I also really feel bad about painting the boy in such a negative light. He might not always think before he does things (which, yes, makes him seem like a jerk) but he really does love me and he is always telling me he thinks I'm beautiful. He just doesn't understand ED's. Send me a picture of a half naked girl with tattoos and no words - I'm kind of confused and I find it a bit offputting. He thinks after a year, I should know better than to assume he meant something negative by it. I think after a year, he should know better than to assume I will know what he means by things of that nature (we had a huge argument over his suggestion that I dye my hair.) And then I was told that after a year, he'd hoped I'd have made more progress. I think that comment probably hurt more than anything, because I personally think that is true. And the idea that I'm not moving further along with my life and that I won't ever get any better is something that I've been really fearful of. So him saying that to me kind of sent me over the edge in terms of sadness I can deal with and sadness I cannot deal with. And then yesterday's drama queen post was born.
But, we did patch things up for the most part. And today is a new day, so I will do my best to make the most of it.

I cannot say thank you enough for all the support you loves offer me. I apologize for isolating myself and not really being there as much anymore. I know its a huge reason why I feel alone all the time, and its definitely something I need to start challenging myself with more - not hiding from anyone anymore.

Anyways. Happy Tuesday all.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Just one bit.

If I am to be truly honest - it is not entirely the accusations and such that drove me away from my blog. Nor is it the fact that I am a pretty busy girl.

In truth, a large part of it is because I feel so alone. I don't have real friends. I have my guys, but its not the same as female friends. When I sit in my room and cry because of stupid things Dan says or does, I have no one to talk to. Like right now. I'm sitting here crying because he's just shown me pictures of a girl who he thinks is sexy and wouldn't it be great if I looked like that too? And I have not one single person I can talk to. I'm not in the clique of bloggers that call, text, care about each other. I'm on the outside, looking in - even here. And it makes me feel 100 times more alone than I ever thought it could.

And now, I'm going to go back to my hole in the wall and continue to cry because that's how I roll sometimes.