Monday, July 12, 2010

Just one bit.

If I am to be truly honest - it is not entirely the accusations and such that drove me away from my blog. Nor is it the fact that I am a pretty busy girl.

In truth, a large part of it is because I feel so alone. I don't have real friends. I have my guys, but its not the same as female friends. When I sit in my room and cry because of stupid things Dan says or does, I have no one to talk to. Like right now. I'm sitting here crying because he's just shown me pictures of a girl who he thinks is sexy and wouldn't it be great if I looked like that too? And I have not one single person I can talk to. I'm not in the clique of bloggers that call, text, care about each other. I'm on the outside, looking in - even here. And it makes me feel 100 times more alone than I ever thought it could.

And now, I'm going to go back to my hole in the wall and continue to cry because that's how I roll sometimes.


  1. i feel the same way. but u and me are in our own clique! the coolest cliquw out there. dan is an asshole. show him pics of guys u think are hot or have hooked up with...not the best advice but im so angry for u right now!!!!! i luv u nd know that IM HERE!

  2. I feel like that most of the time too. It's hard to feel relatable to anyone right now. I want to tell you that it won't always be like this. I wish it for myself, as well as you. I think they're are a lot of lonely people that feel like they're on "the outside looking in". It's all a matter of reaching out to people and letting people into our lives. Which, I personally, suck at........

    I guess I'm just saying, you're not alone in feeling alone. I know, that sounds cheesy :)

    <3 Tori

  3. Hello, I have been reading your blog for a while and I think it's high time to comment.
    I am feeling like you, without friends, or someone to talk to (and not in the clique XD).

    I would be angry/sad too if my bf did that! Arrrgggg!
    I'm sorry for that!!Hope you'll find something to calm down.

  4. hey tori! I´m sorry, you´re not feeling well - I can totally relate, I don´t have many female friends myself! hanging out with guys is uncomplicated on the one hand, but on the other conversations can be pretty dull and shallow, when it comes to emotional things.
    Also I think it´s pretty shitty they way you are/feel treated by cetrain bloggers/blog-readers considering the huge amount of advice and help you´ve shared!! I honestly look up to you for how far you´ve comein terms of recovery and I admire your determination and ambition, which many other girls are certainly lacking. I know this might sound odd, but if you feel like iit, don´t hesitate and write me an email :)

    lots of love from berlin, germany

  5. Ugh, my long-ass comment just got deleted! Anyway, here's the gist -

    I don't have a blog. I've been following this blogging community for about a year and a half. I've been on the outside, seeing as I don't have a blog, but have tried to comment and interact with you amazing ladies in the past 9 months or so. I understand (a bit) what it feels like to be on the outside. I have girl friends in "real life" but they don't understand me much anymore because unfortunately I've changed alot through ED and recovery.

    Regardless, your blog has helped me so much. You are an inspiration and watching you heal yourself has given me the motivation to recover myself. Not to be creepy but I follow your formspring and noticed you've been to LIJ, I go there on an outpatient basis (even though I'm too old at this point), so I don't live too far from you I guess. I don't want to post my cell number in public but my e-mail is and I'm here to listen any time. Dan sounds like he is acting like an asshat and I sure know how to vent about guys =)

    E-mail me anytime I'm always here,
    Nicole G

  6. I feel the same...and having moved away with him to another country and no other friends is difficult, nevertheless the fact that I never seem to make friends. I hope that you find someone to confine with one day, you are a lovely person even more I am sure in person. I wish I could be more helpful :(, just to say that you are not alone at all. In the end we are alone in this big world and only have ourselves...maybe do something that you really enjoy doing?, drawing?, sometimes it helps me take photographs of random things I have never considered. Sorry if I am not a great help, hope things get better though :)

  7. Yeah sometimes I feel like that too, usually it happens when it's ED stuffs, because normally I would talk to my mom (when it's teenager stuffs) but when it's ED related...oh boy she's the worst trigger.

    Honestly, I think you're one of the friendliest blogger here, even though you never really talked to me. There's something in you that makes people want to look up to you and be your friend :)

    Geez I should definately do a blogcature of're too pretty for me not to draw! ;3

  8. I don't believe that no one cares about you ONE BIT! I know for sure that there's no blog clique, too. The purpose of a blog isn't to be in a clique, either. It's to get love and support, and from reading your blog, I see that people are here for you! You just need to let them in. I have felt your struggles before too, and I'm sorry that you feel you have no one to talk to. For me, that person is my sister, but I'd be more than happy to be that person for you. You can email me anytime, and I'll add you on fbook if you want. seriously. I don't judge, I just want to help. I want to help you and anyone else that struggles.

    Lots of love,

  9. Tori, I wish i could hug u, and slap Dan in the face ;P even though i thought he was pretty awesome when we meet, BUT That is such a mean thin to do. I would put money on it, that ur WAYYY prettier than any girl on the internet/mag/his past GF ;) gosh, i am getting nowhere, ha..i suck at writing how i am thinking, at least atm.
    Any how love, when we met you back in the winter! when i 1st saw you i was blown away by ur cuteness! and how sweet and nice and lovely you are! the funny conversations we had, i had an amazing day, i really felt like i had known you for easy to talk to, caring and funny. When we left the MoMa that night i didn't want to say bye!
    i was so happy to spend that day in nyc with you.
    I know we don't talk that much at all recently(and i have sorta cut contact with the bloggers i used to text and talk to in the past..) but I AM always here, if you need a friend! I am like 30-40(?) minutes from CT and i would love to see u again! :) i care so much for you... i really look up to you.
    Any girl would be so proud to call you her friend..I know i would, well i am! I'll talk and be like "Oh my friend Tori, is so amazing" ;) i swear i have said that before in regards to your tattoos or art!
    Cliques suck, and i do know how your feeling to an extent :/ Katie Anne said it all ;P it!
    have a good(better) night chica. tmrw is a brand new day!
    love ya!

  10. *THING (lol.) gosh nice spelling error maya ;P


  11. Mitri Guy Friends: 2 (more like 1 and a half, hah).
    Mitri Girl Friends: 0.
    Mitri Text Friends: Wait, I don't text at all because I don't pay for it.
    Mitri Phone Friends: Don't call anyone.

    Obviously I've had a lot of trouble making friends ever since I moved to TX. ;)

    I know what you mean, though. Perhaps it is all in my mind, but I view some bloggers as a "special group" of their own. Of course, I think all of them are nice, but I often wish I was somehow "in" that group.

    Funny how we wish for the same thing, just a real GIRL friend to talk to, yet we all live so far away. I never have anyone to do or say "girly" things with, and that's just sad.

    I cherish the necklace you sent me. :)

  12. i wish i could say something to make you feel less alone...i know what it's like to be swallowed up in it, to look through your phone book and realize there's no one you can call.

    but know that this is just where you are at this moment in your life, it's not permanent, and it's not because there's something wrong with you. we all go through phases where we outgrow old friends and haven't yet met new ones. it's a painful place to be in...I'm right there too. blogging isn't the same as having a person in your life to go to to be heard or to laugh with. but i hope you know that even on here, among people who have never even met you, you are so cared about and valued.

  13. I too have been reading your blog for a long time and this post makes me upset, because I have come to see you as so strong, interesting, talented, creative, and caring, and just overall amazing. I hope you know how wonderful you are, and how great a friend and companion you could be to anyone who you wanted to be with. That being said, you may be the type of person who wants to connect differently and perhaps more deeply with friends, and those kind of connections are less common, but they will happen for you! You will find people who have the kind of depth you need. Anybody would be lucky to have you as a friend. If I lived and went to school with you, I'm sure I'd admire you so much and always want to be there for you. I hope you feel better, you really don't deserve to be sad!

  14. Torri,
    First off, im so sorry your boyfriend did that. Im sure he was just trying to help though. Men can be so stupid sometimes but the good ones usual mean well. My boyfriend has done things like that before 'thinking it would help' but it really didnt...

    I feel isolated as well. I really only have guy friends in my life plus my boyfriend. I havent had girlfriends really since I was around 16. I miss it so much I just dont know how to meet people and when I do we usually dont have a lot in common :(

    Anyway if you ever want to chat feel free to send me an email or friend request on FB..I need friends too ;)

    Hope you feel better love!

    Dana xo

  15. we all love you tori
    i have read your blog since you started it, and feel only hatred toward those who disrespect you in any way shape or form
    you are a beautiful inspiration to so many of us out here
    you have touched so many lives
    do not give up on yourself, you are and know that you are so much more than that
    we need you; keep on truckin'
    p.s. your boyfriend needs to wake up and see how beautiful you truly are ;]
    email if you ever want to talk!

  16. love to you. sending love. often i wish that all the lonely people could find each other, for there are so many of us out there. sad irony. :(

  17. Tori :( babe, i love you so much, i really hate hearing how hurt and sad you are feeling. you are truly an amazing girl so so wonderful! when i met you i was blown away at first sight(no joke) how stunning/cute and just lovely you were, your smile is probably the most cute/beautiful smile i have ever seen, and i am not just saying that, i really do mean this with ALL my maya said about dan, i thought he seemed nice and really cool but that is the most ridiculous thing ever what he was saying and doing, gosh you don't deserve that one little bit! you deserve ONLY the best, any guy would be so happy to have you, and any girl would be so proud to call you her friend. i am always here Tori, and as maya said only 30-40ish minutes away!

    love you,

  18. hey tori. I totally understand how you feel, as if you're on the outside looking in. I just wanted to say that you blog means alot to alot of people (me included). You're so talented at your artwork, amazingly motivational in your recovery and so so pretty! You need to tell that boy exactly what you think of him showing you photos of others and what they look like. So wrong! You're great tori. Just as you are. xox

  19. Things will get better Tori. I am praying for you and sending tons and tons of support your way.