Saturday, July 24, 2010

Songs and things.

I have been struggling lately.
Not in terms of my actual eating disorder, but in terms of how I think and feel so negatively about myself all the time. I think I'm stuck in a place where I don't want to be because I am always so critical and harsh towards myself. I just can't seem to break the cycle at times. The boy has been saying this for several months. For awhile I was getting better, but lately I just feel so stuck. I keep (accidentally!) starting fights between us because I often just turn things into reasons why I suck so much. I know its just that its my comfort zone - to have low self esteem and not think much of myself. But I have to change.

I broke down last night at work. After having an already bad start to the day, I went into work only to get several customers that were being rude and disrespectful to me. Around 8:30, a group of 3 girls came through my line. They spent the entire transaction harassing me and cursing at me. After one of them told me to go fuck myself (for saying, "have a good night "BTW) - I felt like something in me broke. My throat tightened up, my eyes started water. All I could think to myself was, "I cannot live this way anymore. I cannot keep doing this." I tried to keep my composure as I finished checking out the rest of my line. I turned off my light. A girl from the service desk came over to see what was wrong. She yelled at me for not calling her or another member of management. Sorry - I'm not gonna stand there with these awful girls bitching at me while I wait for some higher-up to come diffuse the situation. In my humble opinion - it was far better to just check em out as quickly as possible and be done with it.

I left early. I did not ask for permission. I just simply said, "I stayed for an extra half hour last night. I've been feeling sick since I got here and now I just need to go home."

For the first time in many months, I did something that was purely for myself. And it felt good. I need to do that more often. I wouldn't be surprised if my lack of assertiveness and taking charge for myself lately has been why I am so unhappy. It also occured to me that part of why I hate my job is that I let the way people treat me get to me far too much. So what if someone talks to me like I'm stupid? I know I'm not. I'm probably smarter than the majority of them - so do I really care what they think? Hey. If they need to treat a little ol' cashier at Walmart like crap so they can feel better about themselves - its really them I should be pitying.So, from now on, I am not going to let myself be taken advantage of anymore. I'm not going to let little snide remarks or stupid comments upset me. I don't need to care about what 90% of the people I encounter every day think. And while I've always been one to bend over backwards in order to make other people happy. I cannot be that way anymore if I really want to get better. I've gotta start taking mine.
I will give my all to myself and to living a better life.


  1. AMEN. God, I hated the mean things customers would say to me when I worked at McDonald's. I got teased by ADULTS, mind you, about looking like a child and like a little BOY (real confidence booster). Making fun of me because I didn't have a name tag for over a month. Crap like that. Why do people harass fast food/Walmart/perhaps "lower-end" places? I mean, we just try to do a good job and make life easier for everybody else. so shut the fuck up, world >O

    Anyway :D haha. You won't be working at Walmart forever, living where you are forever, doing what you're doing forever. Just one phase of life before a better one comes, I like to think.


  2. You go girl! You're going to get a backache if you keep bending over to please people!

    Jokes aside, I've learnt that it's impossible to please everyone...and this is a huge shock to someone who's a people-pleaser like me. Then I figured, if I can't make the 6 billion people on this planet happy, I can at least make MYSELF happy! It's my right to treat my mind and body the healthily, and to live life the way I want it.

    I'm still slowly learning though, but I know that you're kicking ass, Tori:) Tell those rude customers to go jump in a lake or something. Don't diss the cashier--she's AWESOME (and Mitri's right, you won't be working as one forever! Chin up!)

  3. You did the right thing. Those girls were no more than IRL trolls and reacting to their actions in any significant measure would have simply served to egg them on. In a situation like that, the best thing to ask yourself is, "would someone I respect act like this?" If your answer is "no," (and I'm sure it is), then those girls were not only disrespectful, but moreover, not even worthy of being respected. Keep up the good work, we're all counting on you!

  4. I'm so glad you were able to do that for yourself. it's horrible to be treated like that on top of the negative voice in your head, and when you're working in a store you feel like you have to be polite no matter what. I work in a liquor store and get treated like trash, but I'm lucky in that I can say whatever the hell I want back. I've learned that there are ways to still be polite and respectful while still defending yourself. it still feels like shit, but don't forget that those people are nothing in the scheme of things, this job a small blip in your life.

  5. I am so proud of you! That was such a brave thing to do. You stood up for yourself, and asserted yourself! I am giving you a big hug! Truly seriously so proud of you!

  6. i've just joined blogger, but have always found your story motivating. you are a beautiful person, and i'm proud of you for standing up for yourself because you need to. that's the kind of thing people need to do to 'float', as it were, in this society, because not everyone is as kind or encompassing as you-clearly demonstrated by your actions towards them.

    if you no longer feel as if you can listen to their crap, fight back. honestly i don't know if i could stay quiet. little nips are always good, too!
    hope i hear from you soon, sorry for being a complete newbie- i don't know the blogging etiquette yet.

  7. you deserve so much better I am so sorry :( I pray that this stops for you NOW.

    Keep staying strong,


  8. You are beautiful! I don't care if you don't believe me! You are! The girls at the till, they'll get no where in life, I'm assuming. People can spot fakes from a mile away so they'll know they're bad. But you are. AMAZING! Just tell your self that, allow people to tell you that and believe it, because it's true!