Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Well, now don't I feel silly for being so dramatic?
You bet I do.

I'm sort of relieved (albeit also kind of sad) to hear that I'm not the only person who feels kind of alone and isolated at times. Obviously, I'm not so stupid as to think I'm the only one. But seeing it printed in front of me that so many of you guys feel that way too made me think. And I think its partly because of having an ED. And, at least for me, its because I don't often like letting people see me with my guard down. Especially knowing that I've been dubbed a kind of role model - I tend to make myself believe that means I can't have bad days and I can't let anyone know if I'm sad or having a hard time with things. And that's really not true. Part of being a strong person is being able to admit when you need help. My stubborn self still needs to work on accepting that last one.
I also really feel bad about painting the boy in such a negative light. He might not always think before he does things (which, yes, makes him seem like a jerk) but he really does love me and he is always telling me he thinks I'm beautiful. He just doesn't understand ED's. Send me a picture of a half naked girl with tattoos and no words - I'm kind of confused and I find it a bit offputting. He thinks after a year, I should know better than to assume he meant something negative by it. I think after a year, he should know better than to assume I will know what he means by things of that nature (we had a huge argument over his suggestion that I dye my hair.) And then I was told that after a year, he'd hoped I'd have made more progress. I think that comment probably hurt more than anything, because I personally think that is true. And the idea that I'm not moving further along with my life and that I won't ever get any better is something that I've been really fearful of. So him saying that to me kind of sent me over the edge in terms of sadness I can deal with and sadness I cannot deal with. And then yesterday's drama queen post was born.
But, we did patch things up for the most part. And today is a new day, so I will do my best to make the most of it.

I cannot say thank you enough for all the support you loves offer me. I apologize for isolating myself and not really being there as much anymore. I know its a huge reason why I feel alone all the time, and its definitely something I need to start challenging myself with more - not hiding from anyone anymore.

Anyways. Happy Tuesday all.

11 comments:

  1. i luv u too and dont apologize! im notorious for my freakouts/outbursts/hystericals/weird chemically unbalanced moods lol glad ur feeling better ttyl!!!

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  2. i struggle immensely with that too: being seen as a role model of sorts, a strong leader, so having a really hard time being able to let myself be perceived as vulnerable and dependent when i need to. i actually wrote about that recently i think. it was in this post: http://perfectimperfectionist.wordpress.com/2010/07/07/un-therapy-reflections/
    wow. best wishes for you! love you girl, you're a phenomenal person.

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  3. tori, i totally understand feeling lonely and like you have no girl friends to turn to. i used to have so many friends, but when my ED got in the way, many of those friendships didn't make it. and i admit that most if it is my own fault from isolating myself and not returning people's calls. i have one best girl friend, and she is currently in england with her fiance.

    i know blogging isn't the same as in-person communication, but honestly, email me anytime. in fact, maybe i will email you my phone number and you can call or text whenever you need it. your blog was one of the first that spurred my recovery, and i feel like i know you even though we've never met! also, i adore the necklace you sent me :-)

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  4. Tori...I know we never really talk, but I read your blog all the time still. I also feel the way you do - people think I'm a role model, an example for recovery, and then bam...I have a bad day (in fact, I'm kind of fighting a relapse?? right now...ugh)...and I feel like I've let everyone down and I suck and blahblahblah.

    If you ever wanna message me on Facebook or ask for my phone number or whatever, I'm all yours girl.

    I also have a boyfriend and even though I love him sooo much I know how it is...they don't understand EDs at all...luckily mine practically shoves burgers down my throat when I'm being stupid.

    the picture thing did sort of throw me off - I hope he was trying to use it as inspiration for you to get better? That's the only explanation I can think of. If not, that's kind of fucked up.

    I also hope that Dan believes in you. I think that's so important in a relationship. I hope he sees that you've made progress, that you've changed, that you've become a better person. The fact that Mike believes in me is what keeps me going sometimes.

    anyway...I do wish we were closer...message me anytime :)

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  5. No need to apologize :) and you are totally allowed to not always be the strong person! No-one has a perfect recovery and you shouldn't feel that you should have to be faultless either. You're also totally allowed to have bad days. Everyone does! I'd miss you if you stopped blogging and I'm glad you appear to be back :)

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  6. Tori, I'm so sorry I missed your post on Monday. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to let others see you with your guard down, feeling pressured to be on top of everything all the time. But we are all human love, and there is nothing to be ashamed of in admitting that things aren't all roses and sunshine. In fact, it shows strength.

    Today IS a new day and I hope you have a good one :-) Remember that you're not alone in the blogging world - you offer such amazing advice and support to others, that we are more than happy to be able to give the same back to you.

    x Hannah x

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  7. we love you Tori =]

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  8. Sending you lots of love and support! I think you are beautiful and you have made IMMEASURABLE leaps with your progress! Seriously Tori- you are amazing!
    Barbara

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  9. Ohh... No one is perfect! And I'm just another random commenter here, whose words probably don't mean much but... of course you're allowed bad days. In fact, it would be weird to never have bad days! You may not think that you have made as much progress as you would have liked, but you still have come an EXTREMELY long way and the fact that you continue to work hard towards an ultimate goal of health, and that you continue to fight ED, is AMAZING.

    You have come so far. And bad days or not, you're still a fantastic role model -- not saying that to put more pressure, so I hope it doesn't seem like it.

    Today is a new day, and when today's not so good, there is always, always a tomorrow. :)

    You are amazing and have come sooo far. Wish I knew you better myself - I'd say contact me any time you're feeling alone! And feeling alone is nothing to apologize for. ;) You're human, and imperfect is the way we all should be (perfection is boring!).

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  10. I just came across your blog on someone elses blogroll, but I just wanted to say I'm impressed with your honesty on this blog! It's not easy to put yourself out there, but that's what the blogging community is here for, support! :) And I know its hard when most of your friends are guys, it's always nice to have girls around to talk to when guys are being frustrating!

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  11. Hello darling,
    i hope you remember that every time you post another entry, you're taking one step further towards your recovery. by writing about it, youre working through it. never, ever forget that.

    you are a rock star. and you are worth it.

    here for you. keep challenging yourself-- get out there and show the world what you've got to offer... bc what it is is beautiful.

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