Well, now don't I feel silly for being so dramatic?
You bet I do.
I'm sort of relieved (albeit also kind of sad) to hear that I'm not the only person who feels kind of alone and isolated at times. Obviously, I'm not so stupid as to think I'm the only one. But seeing it printed in front of me that so many of you guys feel that way too made me think. And I think its partly because of having an ED. And, at least for me, its because I don't often like letting people see me with my guard down. Especially knowing that I've been dubbed a kind of role model - I tend to make myself believe that means I can't have bad days and I can't let anyone know if I'm sad or having a hard time with things. And that's really not true. Part of being a strong person is being able to admit when you need help. My stubborn self still needs to work on accepting that last one.
I also really feel bad about painting the boy in such a negative light. He might not always think before he does things (which, yes, makes him seem like a jerk) but he really does love me and he is always telling me he thinks I'm beautiful. He just doesn't understand ED's. Send me a picture of a half naked girl with tattoos and no words - I'm kind of confused and I find it a bit offputting. He thinks after a year, I should know better than to assume he meant something negative by it. I think after a year, he should know better than to assume I will know what he means by things of that nature (we had a huge argument over his suggestion that I dye my hair.) And then I was told that after a year, he'd hoped I'd have made more progress. I think that comment probably hurt more than anything, because I personally think that is true. And the idea that I'm not moving further along with my life and that I won't ever get any better is something that I've been really fearful of. So him saying that to me kind of sent me over the edge in terms of sadness I can deal with and sadness I cannot deal with. And then yesterday's drama queen post was born.
But, we did patch things up for the most part. And today is a new day, so I will do my best to make the most of it.
I cannot say thank you enough for all the support you loves offer me. I apologize for isolating myself and not really being there as much anymore. I know its a huge reason why I feel alone all the time, and its definitely something I need to start challenging myself with more - not hiding from anyone anymore.
Anyways. Happy Tuesday all.
3 weeks ago