It makes me really happy that today is 8/9/10.
Just had to say that.
Anyways. I have the day off work today, and on Wednesday I'm going to Six Flags with the boy and a few of his friends. Should be a good time, assuming everything goes smoothly.
To be honest, I don't know what's wrong lately. Everyone keeps asking me why I look sad or upset. Even at the gym, my buddy (a 40 yr old man LOL) Omar was asking me what's wrong. I guess I'm the type who wears a heart on their sleeve. I can't hide the fact that I'm stressing and I'm not sure I'm happy anymore. I know what the problem is, but I can't seem to figure out how to fix it. I've got so many emotions to sift through. Me and the boy seem to want different things. He talks about moving in together, having kids, etc. And I don't want any of that, not right now. I don't know if its possible to have a relationship when our wants are so different. I love him very much and I care about him, but I just....I can't wrap my mind around any of that right now and it scares me. I feel like I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or if I don't love him enough or what, but that's how it feels. I don't really have anyone outside of my mom to talk to about these things - and she doesn't help. She just keeps telling me we need to break up. The thought of letting him go is really frightening though.
Sorry for the ramblings, I'm sure its nothing anyone here wants to hear about.
On a happier note - we got free ice cream at work the other night. They had a bunch of flavors - none of which had ANY nutritional info on them whatsoever. My choice of flavors: Cappuccino and White Russian. Serving size: One styrofoam cup. LOL. It was delicious. And I felt really proud of myself for having some.
I've also halved the amount of running I do in the past few weeks. And yknow what? It hasn't made an inch of difference in terms of my capacity to gain weight - much to my surprise. I know I haven't talked about this recently but because of the above stress in my life - I have been having more anxiety around my weight/body and food (which is why mumzy keeps saying we should part ways). Sooo all of this is really big for me right now. I'm trying to get back to where I was mentally and emotionally. Hopefully with the return of school, I'll start feeling better. But for now, all I can do is try to hold on and sort things out as best I can.
BTW. Any and all advice in terms of relationship problems would be really helpful and greatly appreciated. I can't seem to shake the feeling of not knowing what I want or what I should do, and I don't know what to do with myself. :\
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago