Monday, August 9, 2010

8/9/10.

It makes me really happy that today is 8/9/10.

Just had to say that.

Anyways. I have the day off work today, and on Wednesday I'm going to Six Flags with the boy and a few of his friends. Should be a good time, assuming everything goes smoothly.
To be honest, I don't know what's wrong lately. Everyone keeps asking me why I look sad or upset. Even at the gym, my buddy (a 40 yr old man LOL) Omar was asking me what's wrong. I guess I'm the type who wears a heart on their sleeve. I can't hide the fact that I'm stressing and I'm not sure I'm happy anymore. I know what the problem is, but I can't seem to figure out how to fix it. I've got so many emotions to sift through. Me and the boy seem to want different things. He talks about moving in together, having kids, etc. And I don't want any of that, not right now. I don't know if its possible to have a relationship when our wants are so different. I love him very much and I care about him, but I just....I can't wrap my mind around any of that right now and it scares me. I feel like I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or if I don't love him enough or what, but that's how it feels. I don't really have anyone outside of my mom to talk to about these things - and she doesn't help. She just keeps telling me we need to break up. The thought of letting him go is really frightening though.
*sigh*
Sorry for the ramblings, I'm sure its nothing anyone here wants to hear about.
On a happier note - we got free ice cream at work the other night. They had a bunch of flavors - none of which had ANY nutritional info on them whatsoever. My choice of flavors: Cappuccino and White Russian. Serving size: One styrofoam cup. LOL. It was delicious. And I felt really proud of myself for having some.
I've also halved the amount of running I do in the past few weeks. And yknow what? It hasn't made an inch of difference in terms of my capacity to gain weight - much to my surprise. I know I haven't talked about this recently but because of the above stress in my life - I have been having more anxiety around my weight/body and food (which is why mumzy keeps saying we should part ways). Sooo all of this is really big for me right now. I'm trying to get back to where I was mentally and emotionally. Hopefully with the return of school, I'll start feeling better. But for now, all I can do is try to hold on and sort things out as best I can.

BTW. Any and all advice in terms of relationship problems would be really helpful and greatly appreciated. I can't seem to shake the feeling of not knowing what I want or what I should do, and I don't know what to do with myself. :\

14 comments:

  1. I think it's totally normal to not know what you want. I don't know what your relationships before this have been like, if you had any, but I know for me, the relationship I'm in now was the first one pretty much ever...at 22. I've been with him 2 years now, but it was hard to take the steps to move in with him. If my situation at home wasn't so bad, I'm not sure I would have done it. I'm the kind of person who likes their own space and gets scared of being expectations, even though he's the one i want to be with. I love him more than anyone, and he's my best friend, but when he mentions the word marriage I head for the hills.

    I think it's okay that you want different things. It's not like you're 40 and this is it, you're set. You're young, and to not want to think about moving in together, having kids, etc. is positive in my book. there's plenty of time, and there's lots to explore. it's hard to have actually lived a lot of your life when so much time was spent sick.

    i think the best thing you can do is be open with each other and keep talking about things honestly. i know my boy tends to take everything personally. it seems like you really care about him, and even though you feel overwhelmed right now, it sounds like it's worth working through instead of just breaking up. relationship stress happens, and i get why your mom is worried about it affecting your eating. but this is a normal stressor, and it's important to deal with it. it must be hard to not have many people you can really vent to and get an objective opinion.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Im not very experienced when it comes to relationships but moving in together and having kids is a huge step, its a big commitment. Your still very young, Im 23 and I couldnt imagine doing all that at the minute, it just to me would feel like Im was taking on too much and commiting myself forever. Think things through properly, you dont need to break up over this though.
    You seem to really care about him, explain to him that you just arent ready for such things but thats not to mean in the future you wont be.
    I hope that made sense?!?

    Anyhow, it sound slike your a little muddled at the minute, mayeb thats why your anxieties have been creeping in. Maybe getting back to school and a routine again might help things.
    xox
    Laura

    ReplyDelete
  3. Coming from someone a few years older than you, I vote you both just take it easy right now. Ask him to just back off a little bit with serious discussions about your future life, and let him know that you care a lot about him but aren't ready to start thinking about marriage just yet.

    You might find that over time he is perfect for you and that you want the same things as him, and you also might not. You are young to have to decide now... so just.. don't.

    One of my favorite quotes is this (translated from italian): When a road opens in front of you and you don't know which path to take, sit down and wait. And then follow your heart"

    The solution will present itself dearie.. just sit tight and wait it out.

    ReplyDelete
  4. i think rhodey girl just offered some of the best advice ever! if its meant to be he will understand and let you do whats good for you.
    thers is a phrase, definately not romantic and italian like the other one but i like it....'like or lumpt it'
    thats for dan.
    i luv u!

    ReplyDelete
  5. what i'm sensing is that you and the boy should sit down and talk. really talk, each expressing your hopes and dreams for the future. discussing what pros and cons would be if you accommodated these future potentials. why you feel your not ready or want the same things he does. remember love conquers all. this is just a little speed bump in the relationship process. discussing these things is the best way to deal with them. much more productive rather than holding it all inside until it explodes in a final verbal war.

    good luck, darling.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks guys <3

    I really love that quote, its beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  7. It gets better, sweetheart. Like everyone else already said, someone who really loves you will want what's best for you. Just remember that yes, you ARE loved by all of us, and that your health matters most right now!

    P.S. those ice cream flavours sound wicked! FREE ice cream, double the fun;)

    ReplyDelete
  8. What does your inner voice tells you? my advice: shut all others and listen to your inner voice. And listen to your mother, because of all people, she truly knows whats best for you. If the guy truly loved you, he will respect and accept you for what and who you are. God bless and I hope you find happiness and peace you truly deserved.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You have such a unique and tough situation! I empathize with you. Ask yourself WHAT you're afraid of/ or why you are afraid of committing to a relationship? Is it for fear of truly opening yourself up to hurt/abandonment etc? Have you ever considered going to a councillor regarding this? I know money is TIGHT- but there are ones that operate on a sliding scale (ie $2-$6) depending on where you live. I think you've been struggling for so long- that now you just need to focus on each day as it comes, and the thought of the future etc (because yours has had so much upheaval instability and change) overwhelms you because now you need STABILITY and calm. It's scary- the unknown.
    Relationships are tricky- as they truly are dependant on our relationship with OURSELVES! Work on you. Maybe you feel you haven't been able to 'just be' long enough because of ED and stress. You haven't had the chance to explore who you are and what you want. You want to be your own person and maybe you feel you won't be able to find your identity if you're married?
    You're in my thoughts!
    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  10. Above all, make sure you are truly doing what feels right for YOU! not because you want to make someone else happy, not hurt them, or feel you 'should' (socially acceptable). Do it for Tori!
    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  11. Depending on how much you love him and how much he loves you will answer all your questions. A relationship is about what one person is willing to do for the other plainly because each one cares for the others happiness.

    That being said, he needs to be selfless enough to stop worrying about what kind of future you two will make until you are comfortable and confident enough to make that step. On the other hand, you need to make sure that you truly care about how he feels too. Instead of being unsure about the seriousness of your relationship, help him understand that you want to focus on the fun times you could be having right now. No matter what happens in the future I think that the most important part of life experiencing whats here right now.

    Take pictures, go to concerts, take walks, just embrace the small moments that make you smile. Worrying about what comes next can make you miserable and scared to grow. We are all so insignificant in this crazy world, why not make the best of it so that your life means the world to you?

    Good luck with everything, you seem like a wonderful person and you can get through anything! Enjoy the day!

    ReplyDelete
  12. hey girl.

    I'm sorry your relationship is iffy at the moment...is he talking about marriage/kids/etc. NOW? I mean, the truth of the matter is that you guys have been dating for over a year, yeah, but in the grand scheme of things...that's not very long at all. You still have a lot to learn about each other, a lot of room to grow (both together and apart), and honestly, your number one priority right now should be to get your life back on track - for YOURSELF - which I hope he understands.

    I totally agree that it is WAY to early to be thinking about these things - I mean, thinking about them seriously (like he seems to be doing?). You're both so young!

    Maybe what he wants is all that in the future? Like, far off future? Which is where it gets complicated, and you have to ask yourself the question: is THIS what I want for my future (I mean, like when you're older, of course!) and is this the person that I want this future with? If he is not...then you guys will break up sooner or later, and sooner is better than later...

    If Dan insists on all this NOW or at least during a time frame that is way too soon for you, then you have to sit him down and tell him how you feel...no beating around the bush. If you want to end up with him, then tell him you do. If you're not sure, tell him you still have a lot to learn about each other before you would even think about making such a commitment, and that you just want to take it easy, enjoy the present, and place your life back together.

    If Dan loves you, truly truly loves you, he will understand. Relationships are about compromise!

    But first, you have to ask yourself the question: is Dan the guy I truly want and is this the future that I want?

    ReplyDelete
  13. HIII! :D

    okay, let me first just say i absolutely LOVE your blog, and its been a huge help for me throughout my own recovery...you've seriously been such an inspiration, and i would've said this aaaaages ago but i only just figured out how to :P

    when i first discovered blogs and stuff, i would always go for the ones with loads of pictures because i like looking at stuff but yours was fun to just READ! it was just such a relief to always have a reminder that there were others out there feeling the exact way i was, and it was such a big comfort when things were particularly bad...so yeah.. LOL.. just wanted to say hi and omg i freakin LOVE YOUR HAIR!! :)) i lost loads of mine partly due to anorexia and mostly due to trichotillomania -_- but yours looks great!

    bye then :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. I would love to help D:
    unfortunately we seem to be experiencing the same sort of thing at the moment.
    I am as equally lost as you are.

    ReplyDelete